Cady

 

Walking into the bar with Gabe is an experience, especially after what he did to me before we left. I still can’t believe he did it… that I let him do it… or that I liked it so damn much.

There’s something to be said for holding hands with a guy, and everyone’s eyes going to the two of you. I’ve always wanted to be in the background, while it’s clear Gabe likes being in the spotlight.

Just stepping foot in the bar with him, he’s got a fun side that’s already come out that he hasn’t shared with me at home. He fist bumps people who stick their hands out, smiles at them, and has this cocky air about him that I didn’t get a glimpse of during our time alone together, either.

The rest of the band sits in a corner booth, and as we make our way through, they all stop talking, and one by one, like dominoes, they turn their heads. Even through the dimmer light, I can see their eyes widen.

This is because Gabe never brings a girl with him anywhere. He’s the notorious one in the band for being a player. He’s never committed to a woman, and the fact he brought me with him—and not just on a regular day but on the day of this benefit—is huge. He’s clearly saying something.

I’ve never been a partier, which is obvious by how uncomfortable I feel. And if I feel awkward, I know I look it. That fear is confirmed when Gabe unlinks our fingers and hooks his arm around my neck. He tugs me into him, my left side colliding with his right one. I look up just as he looks down. His face disappears, and his lips tickle my ear, “Relax, sugar. I have you, all’s good.”

He drops his arm and gives my hip a squeeze, and when we get to the section where the band is, I can feel my face heating up. “Guys, this is Cady. Cady, everyone. Mike, Jamie and his girl Mercy, and Liam and his wife Meara. That’s Meara’s cousin Charlotte and her husband Travis. Travis’s brother Brandon and his wife Mary. Pierce and Declan are Meara’s brothers.” He points at the guys who are clearly related. “Amie is Declan’s, Ruby is Pierce’s, and over there is Nik and Lisa.”

“Uh… hey.”

They all reply with a huge round of heys and hi’s and how are yous, but Meara’s voice is the loudest. “You’re the librarian who plays the guitar.”

I know who she is but wasn’t sure if she recognized me or not. I smile shyly. “That’d be me.”

“Holy shit.” She leans back in the booth, and Liam wraps his arm around her shoulders and looks at me. If it wasn’t for the fact that I grew up around rock stars, I’d be so intimidated right now. “Meara tells me you’re a natural.”

I shrug. “I’m okay.”

“You’re a librarian?” That comes from Jamie.

“Don’t,” Gabriel snaps at him.

“What?” He holds his hands out in surrender. “I just asked a question.”

Gabriel pulls a chair up next to the table and sits down, then pulls me onto his lap. He wraps both of his arms around my waist, and I lean into him. I’m a little nervous being around all these people, but they remind me of my dad’s band, and the nights they’d all come over and sit around a fire or just hang out and have a good time. And with Gabriel holding me tight, I feel secure.

A beer magically appears in front of me, and as I sip it, I listen to the banter and answer questions when asked, laugh at their jokes, and love being in Gabriel’s arms.

But eventually they have to go get ready for their show. Because I kind of, sort of, in a way know Meara, I go with her to hang out by the bar. She’s busy working, and I’m just people watching until everyone stops what they’re doing and turns to the stage.

Four men, intimidating and revered, walk up onto the small platform, and the crowd goes wild. “How are we all doin’ tonight?” Mike’s seductive voice echoes through the speakers as he adjusts the mic stand. “We want to thank you all for coming tonight and helping to support Children’s Hospital.” Everyone claps, including the band. “If you’ll notice, we’ve got someone special behind the drums tonight.”

I almost have to plug my ears as the crowd screams so freaking loud to welcome Liam back. Mike’s chuckle is nearly impossible to hear, and after a couple of minutes, they calm down enough for Mike to talk again. “You guys ready to be ruined?”

He doesn’t wait for a response. Gabriel strums the first notes of a song, and like the talented band they are, they kick off the show without a hitch. I’ve never seen them live before, and even though this is a super small and intimate setting, it’s amazing. They’re really, really good.

Gabriel catches my eyes and smiles at me. Sweat dripping down his temple, and his hair falling into his face from the perspiration, he’s a pillar of masculinity.

As I watch them play, Gabriel, in particular, it brings a weird numbing sensation to the backs of my knees. The last time I saw a concert of any kind was my dad, and I try not to think about that because I don’t want to remember the lasts of anything with him. I always try to remember the firsts, the good times, the happy ones.

Reason to Ruin is on the small stage, and with Liam back behind the drum set for the first time in almost four years, the crowd is going insane. And I can’t hear a note. But it’s not the crowd that deafens me, it’s my father. All I can hear is his voice, his smoky rasp and signature laughter. I can vividly see him on that stage, swaying his hips as he sings his heart out.

I can picture him looking over at me and winking, always, always thinking about me. I think about my dad constantly. Not a day has passed when I don’t still have a flashback of him. Sometimes it’s a happy memory, and sometimes it’s the day I killed him, but right now, it’s all at once, and I feel like I’m going to pass out.

I turn around and lean against the bar and breathe deeply. I stare at a napkin and focus on the words. Kelly’s Pub. I blink, squeeze my eyelids closed, and then take another breath. The reverberation of a guitar rings through the bar, but it’s quickly drowned out by the crowd’s screaming as the performance ends. “Are you okay?”

The voice is close, and I look up when the question is yelled at me to find Meara’s head tilted at me. Nik, the guy Gabriel pointed at and told to not let me out of his sight, glances over at me.

“Yeah. Fine. Just got a little warm.”

“Want some water?”

“Please.”

She nods and fills a glass with ice, and then adds water. “Thank you,” I tell her when she hands it over. My hands are shaking, and before she lets it go, she asks again, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Fine. A little overwhelming.”

“It can be, for sure.”

She doesn’t walk away, and I hate that she’s looking at me like I’ll fall apart or something. “So I bet Liam is happy being on stage again,” I say just to take the attention off me.

Her eyes fly to the other side of the bar, and her breath hitches, and I swear if her heart was on her sleeve, I’d see it breaking as we speak. But then she clears her throat and shimmies her shoulders a bit as if to shake it off, and she smiles. “Yeah. He sure is. Happy as a clam, back in his element, doing what he was meant to do, living his best fucking life. Ugh, oh. Looks like you’re wanted.”

“What?” I ask at the sudden change of topic.

She points behind me, and I laugh when I see Gabriel.

“There she is!” He’s standing on a table with two shot glasses, his arms in the air. “Come here, woman.”

The crowd magically parts for me and my legs turn to jelly with everyone’s eyes on me. “Go.” Meara gives me a little push, and I lurch forward and square my shoulders back since I really don’t have a choice. I forgot he did this.

“Come on up, Cady.”

My face is flushed, but from the looks of everyone else around me, they’re all drunk, so it doesn’t really matter. They probably won’t remember it in the morning, anyway. I start to climb up into the booth so I can get on the table when I feel a not familiar hand on my hip, and then suddenly Gabriel’s deep rumble right by my ear. “Hands off, motherfucker.” I whip my head to the right to see Gabriel crouched down. How did he do that so fast? He’s got both shot glasses gripped with the fingers of one hand now, and his arm flashes out to grab the guy by his shirt. With a shove, he tosses him to the side like he’s a pest.

I gasp, and a few people have to get out of the way so the guy doesn’t land on them.

“Here, baby.” My shock is directed away from the guy who touched me back to Gabriel. I place my hand in his, and he helps me up, then positions a shot glass in my fingers.

“Shut the fuck up,” Gabriel yells, and the crowd quiets down. His toasts are always funny, usually dirty, and sometimes misogynistic, but he’s famous for them. He clears his throat and wraps an arm around my waist and yanks me to him. I collide with his chest and spill half of my shot. He raises his arm in the air, and everyone copies with a beer or a glass. “Here’s to the prettiest, here’s to the wittiest, here’s to the truest of true. Here’s to the neatest, here’s to the sweetest …” He turns and points his glass at me and winks. “Sugar, here’s to you.”

The women ohh and ahh, and the guys either holler at him for being whipped or shout out that he’s gettin’ some tonight. The flash of a camera blinds me for a split second, and I have to grab on to him tighter so I don’t fall.

I toss back what’s left of the alcohol because I need it for the amount of nervousness I feel and then screech when I’m tipped backward and he slams his mouth against mine. Another flash. I drop the glass and grab his shirt so I don’t fall. “God, you’re pretty.” He kisses my lips hard once more, then jumps down and holds his arms out for me. I put my hands in his, and he pulls me down, and when my feet hit the floor, he claims me with an arm around my waist. I like this playful side of him.

“Well, that was a first.” Jamie laughs as he sits down next to Mercy. He slants his arm on her back and cups her butt.

What is it with these guys and the whole claiming thing? Not that I don’t like it. Being in Gabe’s arms makes me feel safe, and he gives me a sense of security I’d never have if he wasn’t at my side.

“Shut up, asshole.” Gabe flips him off but starts tugging me toward them.

“My hands are all sticky. I’m going to go wash them.”

“Hurry back.” He smacks my butt as I walk away, and when I turn the corner, I look over my shoulder to find him still watching me.

I get to the bathroom and avoid making eye contact with anyone even though a bunch of people are saying things to me. I can’t understand most of them, but I manage to hear lucky bitch tossed around several times. As the door closes on me, I realize two women are already in the stalls talking. So much for a moment to myself. I go to the sink and turn the tap on and inhale a huge breath, needing to calm down.

Too much is happening too fast.

“God, he’s such a jerk.” A woman’s voice echoes from a stall.

“Who?”

The water running through my fingers turns warm.

“Gabe.”

My heart gallops in my chest, and I have to hold on to the basin so I don’t fall.

“Yeah, I’ve heard stories. What’d he do?”

“It’s what he didn’t do.”

The second girl laughs. “Did he turn you down?”

“If you can believe that. I mean, every time he’s home, he pays me a visit, and he has the balls to push me away and tell me he’s done with me in front of the guys like I’m a groupie.”

“Damn, sorry I wasn’t there. I’d have told him off for you.”

I squirt some soap in my hands and wash them quickly, urgency to get out of this claustrophobic space making me rush.

“It was before that stupid ass toast, what the fuck was that? Did you see who he’s with? God, who is that? She’s so… plain. How can he want her over me?”

That’s the question I ask myself. Maybe they’ll have the answers, so instead of leaving, I dry my already dry hands.

I hear a faint laugh, and then a toilet flushes. “Who knows, maybe he’s ready to settle down and have kids, and he wanted an ugly woman who nobody else would want to screw while he was away.”

“There’s no way that little… homely thing can give a guy like that what he needs. I mean, God. He fucked me so hard, the headboard literally broke the wall. I had to have my landlord fix it. No way would she be able to handle that.”

“Damn.”

“He was so good… totally the best I ever had, and I know I gave it to him good too. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have kept coming back.”

The other one flushes now, which hopefully signifies the end of this torture because I’ve heard enough, and I want to leave, but I can’t move. It’s as if I’m rooted to the floor. Cemented in place. “You wanna get out of here?”

“No way, I’m gonna make sure he knows what he’s missing.”

Laugher echoes, and when they both stumble out of the stalls, I catch their eyes in the mirror. The brunette’s charcoal-lined eyes widen, but the blonde walks right up next to me and applies her bright red lipstick. She raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow, gives me a catty curl of her lip in the mirror, then pushes the door open without washing her hands. Gross.

She just dismissed me. As if she knew I wasn’t a challenge for a girl like her. Which I’m not. Music blasts for a second, and then the door clicks shut behind them, and I’m immersed in silence once again.

Shit.

Gabriel had me blind to the reality of the world for a minute there. He made me forget how it really is outside the walls of my apartment. Being alone with him made me naïve. But I know how this works; I know how rock stars operate. My dad may have tried to shield me from the worst of it, but I was old enough to know what was happening. And I’m an idiot to think I’ll ever be enough for a man like Gabriel.

Sure, when we’re alone together, it’d be great. But he’s on the road more than he’s home, and I couldn’t ever live with the fact that the guy I was committed to was sleeping around behind my back. That I mean so little to the man who means everything to me.

Idiot.

God, what was I thinking?

I suck in a breath, painfully and with effort, and then reach for more paper towels to dab my eyes. It’s not like what they were saying wasn’t true. I’ve thought of nothing but that since he wouldn’t let me leave Gia’s. At least I thought that before he made love to me. I believed him, too, when he said all those sweet things. But dammit, I forgot.

I forgot about the real world.

Even though I feel nauseous, even though the hollow pit in my stomach is spinning, and even though the biggest insecurity I have was brought to light by a woman who has already slept with the man I’m in love with, I’m going to go back out there.

It hurts, and it’s only going to get worse. She was the first catty bitch, but she won’t be the last. And as angry as I am, I’m hurt more. Confused.

How am I supposed to be okay with that? How am I supposed to accept the fact that being with Gabriel means there’s a possibility that everywhere we go, he’s slept with someone there?

When we’re alone, it’s perfect. I’m not forced to think about any of the other stuff, but in public, it’s thrown in my face the very first time we go out together. I know how some of these women are. I’ve witnessed it from going on the road with my dad.

They’re brutal. And they’ll fight dirty to get a little piece of a rock star. A piece of Gabe.

“God.” My fingers tremble as I stare at my feet and wonder if I’m gonna have the strength to move them forward. My answer is given to me when the door opens because a group of women walk in together giggling, and I don’t have the capacity to deal with another incident like what just happened. Because there’s a good chance he’s fucked one of them, too.

I keep my head down, hair shielding me, and go straight to the bar. Nik nods at me, clearly taking his duties of making sure I’m okay seriously. That was nice that Gabriel did that because he knew how it would be tonight, and he didn’t want me alone and vulnerable.

But I can’t even look at him. I don’t know if Gabriel saw me come out or not, but just the thought of looking over there and seeing her with him is enough to weaken all my resolve. Meara pauses in front of me and tilts her head. “Girl. You sure you’re okay?”

“No.” I tell her the truth. I was okay before, but now I’m not. If anyone can understand, it’d be her. I’ve never been in this position, and I don’t know what to do.

“What happened?”

“I get that there were others, but to hear them—”

She interrupts me. “Oh God, did some stupid skank ass bitch talk shit to you?”

“Not to me, no. I just overheard her saying things about her and Gabriel that I’d rather not repeat.”

Her eyes scan the crowd behind me and stop on something… or someone. Then they narrow, and I don’t even want to ask her what she’s looking at. She shakes her head and gives me her attention. “He likes you. I’ve known him forever. He was never one to settle down, but he found you, and he likes you, and he just told everyone here that you were his. My advice? Ride it out. Suck up the insecurity of the other women because at the end of the day, they don’t mean shit. It’s hard… trust me, I know. God, it’s so goddamned hard, but if you let random groupie chicks get between you and him, you might as well break up with him now because it’s something you’ll have to deal with forever.” She shakes her head. “Sorry, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear, but I’m not one to sugarcoat anything. I know that doubt will always linger in the back of your mind, but you have to push it away and pretend it’s completely gone when he’s around. Wait for him to leave to fall apart.”

Damn.

Someone calls for a beer, and she tells me she’ll be right back. But then she stops and turns back to me. “I love him like a brother, and I don’t want to see him get screwed over either, so don’t string him along if you’re just gonna give up when your feelings get hurt.”

Okay. Wow. I don’t really know how to take that.

“Sounds like you’ve really got that guy hooked.”

I snap my head up and narrow my eyes at the guy next to me, irritated that he interrupted my thoughts. “What?”

He angles his head at the general vicinity of the stage. “The guitar player. That toast.”

“Oh, he’s just being… himself.”

“So you’re not together?”

He claims we are, but are we, really? I’m not naïve enough to think whatever is between us right now is permanent. Could he care about me? Sure.

There’s definitely a connection between us, but it’s easy to be all about another person when there are no outside distractions. And go figure that on our first night out together, I had a distraction thrown in my face. I’m thankful in a way, the lesson that we’ll never work is one that was better to learn sooner rather than later. Before I fall even faster.

I look over to see Gabriel taking another shot. I know he’s a little drunk, and I think I might be, too because a part of me wants to make him jealous so he’ll feel what I do right now. He’ll never understand how mortifying it is to know you’ll never be special. That the time you spend together in bed doesn’t mean anything when it means everything to you.

That stupid bitch from the bathroom with her stupid stripper shoes and her stupid fake hair and fake boobs is sitting on Mike’s lap. Gabriel’s across from them talking like it’s nothing. Like he didn’t fuck her and put a hole through her wall.

God.

It hurts more than it should.

She leans in toward Gabriel, and he does the same. What the hell? She grabs the beer bottle from his hand, and I watch in slow motion as she brings it to her mouth, flicking her tongue out and pours some of his beer down her throat.

He shakes his head with a grin and takes the bottle from her, then he fucking drinks from it.

Drinks from it.

The same bottle the skank just had her mouth on. I literally gag. How could he do that right in front of me? How is he not looking for me? It’s the perfect foreshadowing and gives me all the answers I need.

I finally answer the guy next to me because Meara’s right. I shouldn’t string him along, and I won’t. I can’t do this. “No. We’re not.”

“Can I buy you a drink, then?” He’s a cute guy, not quite six feet tall with sandy brown hair and brown eyes smiling at me, but I ignore him and push away from the bar. Slipping through the crowd, I head to the back. Convenient how Gabriel couldn’t take his eyes off me earlier, but now he has no clue that I’m about to leave. I rush down the hall and push the door open and make sure it’s closed behind me before I rest my hands on my knees and dry heave.

I’m not built to be with a man like him.

I was raised by one and loved him with more than my whole heart, but it’s not the same as being in love with a rock star.

“Woman, what the fuck?” I scream when Nik’s voice appears out of nowhere.

When I raise my head, the sharp angles of his jaw soften. It’s like he knows.

“I need to leave. I can’t… I can’t be in there.”

“How far do you live?”

“About ten, fifteen minutes walking.”

He nods and takes a key out of his pocket, then bleeps the lock to a tinted black Impala that automatically starts. “Come on. Car’s not much warmer, but I’ll get you there safer and faster.”

I follow him, and he opens the passenger door for me and jogs around to his side, and then drops the key fob in the cup holder. “Address?”

“The apartments on Lake View Road.”

He accelerates, and I look out the window, fighting back the tears that are destined to fall. My jaw tenses from the bitter cold. My heart thunders in my chest, and my fingers tremble because I absolutely hate being in a car more than anything in my life, but it’s a necessity right now. It’s silent for a couple of minutes, and then he clears his throat.

“You’re allowed to feel.”

“What?”

“Being with one of them.” He throws a thumb over his shoulder, indicating the direction we just came from. “You’re allowed to feel all that shit. Don’t listen to Meara about pushing everything away and pretending.” I turn to look at him, and he glances over and offers me a small smile. “She has a tendency to put Liam before herself and hold everything in. Your job in a relationship isn’t to sacrifice your happiness for the other person’s. That’s what she’s done forever, and it’s all about to explode in her face. Do not live in a constant state of worry and fake happiness. You need to talk to him.” He pulls up to the curb, and I put my hand on the handle.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll wait for him to come and ask me, but I’m gonna tell him I took you home. I’m not gonna make him freak out.”

“Okay. Thanks again.”

Hurrying up the walkway, I take my single house key out of my back pocket and fumble with the lock before I’m able to get inside.

I slam the door and run to my bedroom, strip my clothes off, pull on an oversized T-shirt, then crawl under the covers. My teeth chatter, and my entire body shakes as it begins to warm again. And once I can feel my face, I realize hot tears are still silently rolling down my cheeks.

I can’t fight it anymore and sob into my pillow as if someone I loved just died. In a way, I guess he did because the fantasy I had of him was debunked tonight, and I’ll never have back the innocent crush or get butterflies just thinking about him.

Now when I think about him, I’ll think of him and her. How when someone like her is around, I don’t matter anymore. And that shit hurts.

My quilt is suddenly yanked off me, and I scurry back, my head bouncing off the wall. Shit. I forgot to lock the door behind me.

“What the fuck?” Gabriel yells. “What the fuck, Cady? I was worried outta my goddamned mind when I couldn’t find you, Jesus fucking Christ.” He lunges for me and tugs me to him. My face collides with his chest, and he cradles me there. My arms have no choice but to wind around him. “What were you thinking, just leaving without saying anything?” I try to shove him off, but he won’t let me. “No way. I need to hold you a little longer.”

“Why don’t you go hold your stupid blonde?”

His arms tense, and he pulls his head back. The air in the room heats with the anger pouring off him. This side of him is what he’s known for. Explosive temper. But damn, why can’t I sleep with the light off, then I wouldn’t have to see his stupid handsome face. Because even pissed off he’s hot. “What?”

“Let me go.”

“No way. Explain what the fuck that meant.”

“Nothing. I’m tired. Leave me alone.”

“Fuck that. After what we shared, Cady, are you outta your fuckin’ mind? I ain’t leaving you,” he snaps, and the next thing I know, I’m flying through the air and my back lands in the bed. He straddles me and presses the majority of his weight against me. “Talk.”

I try to look away, but he grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. Fine. He wants me to talk, so I’ll talk. I’ll tell him everything. “I heard her in the bathroom. After you did your toast. She was telling her friend how you always visit her when you’re home, and she bragged about how you fucked her so hard the headboard broke the wall. They both talked about how ugly I am and questioned why you were with me. Then they came out of the stalls, she looked at me, put on lipstick, and walked out. Then when I came out, I saw her sitting on Mike’s lap but flirting with you. Practically giving your beer bottle a blow job with her stupid fucking red lips, then you fucking drank out of it after her stupid fucking red lips were on it!”

While I’m ranting, I don’t notice the anger disappearing, and when I’m done, surprisingly, he’s smirking. “You’re cute as shit all jealous.”

“I’m not jealous.” It’s more than that.

“You are. But I like it.” His head descends, and I turn, but he brings my face back and kisses me. Quick but hard. “I fucked her once, but that’s it. She was lying. Never broke a wall, and anything her and her stupid bitch ass friend said about you is nothing but their own insecurity because you with no makeup look a thousand times better than them with pounds of shit on their face.”

“You drank out of the bottle she had her lips on.”

He swallows and looks guilty. “I did. It didn’t mean anything. I didn’t even think about it, to be honest. And I promise you I’ll never do anything like that again, but it wasn’t a big deal, Cady.”

And this is exactly what I’m worried about with being with him. The things that mean something to me don’t matter to him. He won’t change, but I wouldn’t want him to. He is who he is, but I also am who I am. And I know myself. We’ll never work.

So instead of taking Meara’s advice, I listen to what Nik said and also what my heart is telling me. And right now, it’s saying I need to be honest with him. At least about this. I feel stupid, and I’m embarrassed to tell him, but it’s now or never.

My head sinks into the pillow. “I’m not strong enough to see them.”

“See who?”

“The women,” I confess.

He groans, like he finally understands, but he doesn’t seem irritated. More sympathetic. “You’re the only one.”

“I’m not, Gabriel. Let’s not pretend there won’t be a line waiting for you the moment you step onto the stage.”

“You’re the only one who matters.”

“But I’m not the only one.”

He waits a beat. “I need you to look at me, baby.”

I really don’t want to have this conversation at all, let alone face to face, but I have no choice. I was going to do what Meara said. I was going to just push it all away because he’s worth me holding everything in. When he’s here, I forget about everything else. But I suck at hiding my feelings.

“I’m trying to tread carefully, but I’m probably going to fuck it up, so bear with me until the end, okay?” He doesn’t let me answer. “I will not cheat on you. I will not touch another woman. I will not let another woman touch me. There will never come a time that I won’t respect you enough to have a conversation about where my head is at if I ever feel like me being faithful is an issue, but you’ve gotta know that time will never happen.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I can because I know what I have with you. I know what you make me feel. I know it’s mine, it’s real, and it’s forever. And an orgasm from a groupie isn’t worth a lifetime of happiness with you. It won’t ever be. I won’t apologize for being a single guitarist who toured the world and sampled his fair share of available pussy.” I cringe at his words but suck it up enough to let him get his point across. “I can’t make you trust me, Cady. I want you to, I want you to know with every fiber of your being that you are it for me. You’re more than it. You’re everything. My past is the past. You’re the only woman I’ve ever considered a future with for more reasons than one. What can I say to let that sink in?”

“It’s not you,” I whisper. “It’s me.”

“Tell me why.”

“Why what?”

“Why you’re so sure I’m gonna cheat on you.”

I shake my head. “I don’t think you understand where I’m coming from.”

“Explain it to me then.”

“Losing my virginity was something special. I saved it because I knew that when I shared that with someone, it would mean the world to me. I don’t understand how something that… powerful and emotional can be shared so callously. And not just that, but if I’m being honest, I don’t think I’ll ever get over the thought of you sharing what we do with so many random women.” He clamps his jaw shut. “It’s not that I think you’ll stray. It’s that I don’t know how to cope with the fact that… that I don’t know. That you’re the only one for me, and I’m not that for you.”

“Are you done?” he snaps, and the temporary hold he has on his anger has vanished.

“I think so.” I swallow.

“I’m not a normal guy who went to clubs or bars on the weekend and hoped to score. You know that. It’s just part of the life, Cady. We get hyped, adrenaline gets flowing, we find someone we can tolerate looking at, wrap up and fuck. And honest to Christ, baby, that’s all it is. And I hate to break it to you, because it seems you’re just lookin’ for fuckin’ reasons to piss me off, but the number is probably a lot less than you’re thinking. I won’t deny I had fun, but that’s all they ever got. They had my dick for ten minutes, but you have my heart. Isn’t that more important?”

I should just let it go at that, but I don’t. “So, if I had sex with someone else…” I swallow when I hear his growl. “You wouldn’t care?”

“Before me?”

“No, now.”

“What kind of bullshit question is that? You’re comparing apples to oranges. Cheating is not the same thing, and it honestly pisses me off more that you’d even ask me something like that.”

It pains me to even think about this, much less talk. I know I’m not articulating things the right way, but I don’t know what to say or how to say it. “Just forget it.”

“No.” He grabs my arm and gives me a little shake. “We’re talking about this.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Well, I do.”

“Let me go.”

He pulls me closer. “I can’t change the past, and as much as I’m falling for you, I won’t have a future with you doing nothing but throwing it in my face that I used to have fun.” He keeps talking, but the only thing I can hear is him saying he’s falling for me.