Gabriel

One month later

 

The buzzing sound doesn’t shock me anymore, but every time I hear it, a little part of my soul dies. When the metal slides and the screech pierces my ears, it kills a different part of me. And when I close my eyes and see her face, any part that was left standing is obliterated, knowing I lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Due to no fault but my own.

At least I can die knowing that I saved her from her stepbrother.

“Hunter, visitor.” I sit up on my cot and drop my feet covered in jail slippers to the cold, concrete floor.

“Who is it?”

The guard tilts his head, clearly annoyed that I’d ask him such a dumb question; he doesn’t give a shit. “I don’t fuckin’ know. Get your ass up and let’s go, rock star.” Yeah, that’s been fun, too. As soon as word spread who I was, I became a target because others thought I was weak… that I was nothing more than a rock star who couldn’t hold his own.

They learned as fast as my fists could fly that that was not the case. I might be a rock star, but I’m not a pussy. And I ain’t nobody’s bitch. As soon as that was established, aside from me being locked up, it’s been about as terrible as anyone could imagine jail being, but instead of being picked on, I’m respected by the other inmates.

Sighing, I drag my feet and follow the guard down the hallway and into the visitor room. I scan the small space and hold my breath, looking for Cady. The last time she was here was the only time she will ever be here because when I saw her, clean and innocent in this dirty ass place, I lost my shit and had her banned from my visitor’s list. So I know she’s not here, but I still always look for her for whatever illogical reason… wishful thinking, maybe?

It cut deeper than normal sending her away because I knew it’d be the last time I saw her, and not just because I was locked up. She looked so beautiful—so, so beautiful—but she was scared shitless. The door shut, and she jumped. Her eyes darted around, and her hands were visibly shaking. I didn’t even sit down. I had to do it quick.

“Hey.” She whispered the word through the phone, and it set every fiber of my being on fire.

The only reason I talked to her was because I needed to hear it from her. Her being safe was the only thing that mattered at that point. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I am. He’s, um… in jail. But he went out to the other one because his crime was worse or whatever.” She shook her head, and I could have stood there and stared at her forever. “I’m sorry. I’m nervous.”

However, my forever with her ended when I threw her into a kitchen table. “You need to go, Cady. Leave and don’t come back.”

“But—”

“Goodbye, Cadence.” I hung up the phone, and tears immediately fell from her eyes. Fuckin’ broke my heart seeing that and knowing I was the cause, but it’s for the best. She’s better off without me. She’ll eventually move on and find a good man who’s into intellectual shit and has soft hands who would probably never be able to make her come with his sissy ass fingers, but at least he’d never hurt her with them.

I try not to think about my girl with another man because if I do, it drives me mad. And I can’t have that. I need to have good behavior so I can move on with my life and get in the studio with the guys. I need out of this place and I need out on the road. That’s where I belong.

Those thoughts are constantly waging war inside my head, and when I get to the visitor area and see my sister glaring at me, I almost turn around. But I don’t because if I can get extra time out of that fucking cell, I’ll take it. I sit down and stare at her and hate that she looks disappointed in me. She points at the phone on the other side of the glass, and I sigh. Lifting it to my ear, I already hear her. “Gianna, serious as shit if all you’re gonna do is yell at me, then you need to go home.”

“Oh, no I do not, Gabriel. You need to listen to me and listen good.”

I raise my brows, indicating for her to continue.

“What did you do to her?”

“To who?”

“Don’t play dumb, asshole. She’s a fucking mess. She just sits at home crying all the time and has missed work like ten times last month. The only thing I got out of her was that you guys broke up before all this shit with you getting arrested happened. And from the way she’s torn up, I know it wasn’t her choice. So… what the heck were you thinking?”

I lean forward, trying to hide the pain in me that Cady’s in pain. “I hurt her, Gianna.”

“Yeah, no shit. Broke her hea—”

“No.” I shake my head. “I hurt her. Shoved her so forcefully she went flying across the room and landed on her kitchen table so hard the fucking thing broke.”

My sister’s mouth falls open, and she reaches up with the hand not holding the phone to cover it. Yeah, not pretty is it, big sister?

“So yes. I broke up with her. And I deserve to be in here for what I did to her. Fucking hate that she’s upset, but it’ll be better for her in the long run. She’ll be better off with someone else.”

She drops her arm. “You really believe that, don’t you?”

“I know that.”

“You’re a fool.” She hisses. “I know you. I know you, Gabriel. There is no way you shoved her out of anger. No way. Not after wha—”

“You weren’t there. It happened. Now we’re done. End of fuckin’ discussion. You want to talk about something else, have at it, but if you bring her up again, I’m walking away.”

I lean back and watch as she mumbles something under her breath. She straightens. “I’m moving to New York permanently.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I came home to take care of all the loose ends and stuff, but I’m going back next week.” She came back as soon as she heard I was in jail, but her life needed to go on, so she went to work after only a couple of days here. But now she’s back, and I’m glad to see her, but curious what brought her here in the first place again.

“How’s Mom taking it?”

She shrugs. “She’s sad.”

“I bet.”

“She’s coming to visit you tomorrow.”

“I hate that either of you have to step foot in this cesspool.”

Her eyes water, and I lean forward again. “Don’t cry, Gianna.”

“I hate that you’re in there. You don’t deserve to be in jail at all, but definitely not for months. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Instead of agreeing with her, I shrug. I may not deserve to be in here, but at the same time, I do. It is what it is. I already had a record, so I knew the next time I was arrested, there would be consequences. And like I said to Gianna, for what I did to Cady, I definitely deserve it.

But for pushing at a cop who had his hands on my woman who was struggling to get away from him? I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Fuckin’ assholes used the Tazer on me, though. That shit sucked balls. I’d never been tazered before, and I definitely don’t suggest it to anyone.

“I pushed a cop.”

“You were defending your girlfriend.”

“I almost killed the guy who was threatening her. It went beyond self-defense.”

She waves that off. “Whatever. Are you okay? Are they mean to you?”

I laugh and roll my eyes. “It’s jail, Gianna, not summer camp. Of course they’re not nice.”

We only talk for a few more minutes before I’m told time’s up, and I dread going back to my cell. “Please take care of yourself in here,” she begs. “I’m going to come back when you get out, and I’ll write you when I get to New York, and I want you to call me, okay?”

“I will.”

“I love you, Gabriel.”

“Love you too, Gianna.”

I stand and wait for the door to shut behind her before I turn and am escorted back to my cell. I sit in the center of my bed and stare at the envelope on my slab they call a desk. It’s been there for days, and I can’t bring myself to read it.

Leaning over, I hold it between my fingers, and then run my knuckle over her handwriting. I smile when I remember the first note she ever wrote me, and how I thought even that was endearing. Now, sitting here in a six-by-eight-foot cell, I find it even more so. I literally have all day, so I take my time opening it slowly, so as not to tear the paper, just separate the lip of the envelope so I can take out her letter.

I glide my finger over the adhesive where she used her tongue to secure it, then bring it to my mouth and press my lips to it, remembering for a moment what it felt like to kiss her. How soft her lips were and how delicious her innocence tasted. Swallowing my pride, I turn the paper over and read her words.

 

Gabriel,

 

I’ve started and stopped and then restarted this letter a dozen times. I want to respect your wishes, but I can’t let you go until you hear me out. I need you to understand.

I killed my father.

Can you imagine? I killed him, Gabriel. I killed a rock god, an icon, the best guitar player of this century, my daddy, your idol… I killed him.

He was letting me drive his car, his baby, the one thing aside from me that he loved the most. I don’t even remember how it happened, but from what the police told me, the moment I turned the corner the sun blinded me, and I swerved. There was a car in the other lane that had just veered off to avoid a deer, and we crashed. My dad’s car rolled. I don’t remember that part. Luckily the family in the other car was unharmed. All I remember is waking up and seeing blood everywhere. I held his head in my lap and watched him take his last breath.

I’ve lived with that for ten years, and I’ll live with it for the rest of my life. So if you want to know why I didn’t tell you, it’s because I was afraid of your reaction. I was afraid that you, like everyone else in my life back then, would look at me with disgust. Would wonder why it was him and not me.

I heard the murmurs at his funeral. I hid in the corner, but I heard it all. Yes, Chris was the biggest reason I left, but it was also because I needed to leave that house, the state, hell, I should have left the country. I needed to get away from the memories and from the hatred I received from everyone who knew my dad.

I know you looked up to him. And I know how much you admired him, and when you found out it was my fault he was no longer here… I was scared of what you’d think of me.

Something else you should know is I saw you one night at my house. That night when you came over and the two of you played. I peeked in the room and saw you. I thought you were hot. But when I heard your voice, just a couple of words, I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you then. When you left, I ran to the window and watched you walk out to the cab, and my dad must have guessed I’d be watching because he turned around and shook his head at me.

When he came in the house, he said, “These boys, Cady Bear, they’re all about a good time. And you’re not that. You’re a forever kind of girl. Don’t forget that and never let anyone treat you like less than. But if you ever want to date a rock star, find one like him. He’s the real deal.” He was talking about you. He liked you so much. He was full of all kinds of wisdom, and he was right back then.

I moved here because of you.

And I know that sounds creepy, but it’s the truth. I think I was looking for something familiar. And even though I never even met you, I prayed like hell that I’d see you again. Just a glimpse. Something to remind me of a good time in my fucked-up, shitty life. And for years, it didn’t happen. I thought it was my dad, keeping us apart from heaven because he was protecting me. He didn’t want me to be destroyed when you wanted nothing to do with me.

But I knew, despite how much I fantasized about being with you, I knew you were out of my league.

So can you imagine what it was like for me when you walked into Gia’s apartment? Not just seeing you, but having you care? It was unfathomable. I wouldn’t let myself believe it was true, that you were true. Because that’s what you are. You’re my dream come true. You’re a hero because you saved me, too.

I’ll never forget that. I’ll also never forgive myself that you’re in there because of me. You saved my life, and the last thing I want to do is ruin yours.

I know you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore, but I want you to know that I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for keeping the truth from you for so long. I’m sorry I killed your idol. I’m just sorry.

So this is it. This is my goodbye to you. I don’t deserve for you to forgive me, but I hope that someday you can.

Be happy, Gabriel. You deserve it.

Love,

Cady

 

“Goddammit.” I curse and scrunch her bullshit letter in my hands and throw it across my cell. If I wasn’t fucking locked up, I’d go to her place and tell her how goddamned irrational she’s being.

She killed my idol… is she insane?

Because I’m a moron, I never thought that would be the reason she thought I couldn’t be with her. God… it has nothing to do with who her dad is or her keeping it from me. Doesn’t she know that? She obviously doesn’t, but how can she not? How can she even waste another second of her time on me?

I grab my notebook and pencil and sit on my bed, bending my legs and using my knees as a desk. After I finish, I put it under my pillow and then try to sleep, but I can’t get her out of my head enough to even doze off. Until the next day after I choke down some cardboard that I think is supposed to be bread over a piece of plastic that I think is supposed to be meat for lunch.

“Hunter.” A terrible rattling on my cell door wakes me up. “Up. Visitor.”

Ugh. Dammit, Gianna. “I’m up.” I go to the corner to take a leak really quick, then rinse off my hands. “Ready.”

“Let’s go.”

When I see my father sitting on the other side of that glass, I can feel my temperature rising. It starts at my toes and slithers all the way up to the tips of my ears. Fucking asshole. I sit down and stare at him as I take the phone off the wall and wait for him to put his to his ear.

“The only reason I’m even talking to you is so I don’t play my fucking hand here. These fuckers don’t need to know I got Daddy issues, so I’m going to sit here for an average length of time and you’re going to talk to me about sunshine and rainbows with a goddamned smile on your face. Understand?” I chuckle. “You of all people know what it’s like in here, and I refuse to let them know a fuckin’ thing about me.”

“Let me be clear, son, I hate that you’re in here, but I love that you’re forced to listen to me since you never have given me the opportunity before.”

I laugh dryly. “Lucky you.”

“I never thanked you.”

“For what?”

“For calling the police. For getting me arrested. For forcing me to get the help I needed.”

I lean forward. “I was twelve.”

“I know.”

“If I hadn’t called, she would have died from all of the internal bleeding you caused when you fucking kicked her. Repeatedly.”

His face is ashen. “I know.”

“How the fuck you expect me to ever look at you with anything other than hatred is beyond me. But what’s worse is how she can look at you.”

“I thank the Lord for her forgiveness every day. But with all due respect, son, that’s not why I’m here.”

“Enlighten me, oh, father of mine.”

He switches sides of the receiver and points at me. “You are not me.” I open my mouth, but he shakes his head sharply. “You are not me. But I am still your father, and despite your denial, I do know you. And I know the reasons you’ve been so promiscuous are bec—”

“The reason I fucked so many women, Dad, is because I’m in one of the most popular bands of our lifetime. Chicks throw pussy at me, so of course I’m gonna take it. You’ve got not one thing to do with that.”

“You didn’t want to hurt them.”

I can’t hide the façade and drop my head, resting the receiver on the ledge for a second. How the fuck did he know that? When I put the phone back to my ear, I listen to him talk. For the first time since I was a pre-teen, I actually listen to what he has to say.

“My father beat my mother on a daily basis. He also did the same to me.” Not that it makes anything better, but my dad only put his fists to me one time, and that was the night my mom almost died. “He also did the same to my sister.”

I raise a brow. “You have a sister?”

“Had.” He swallows thickly. “She killed herself when she was fourteen. I found her body. She didn’t leave a note, but she didn’t have to. I knew why she did it; I barely survived the wrath of my father, and I was his height by the time I was eleven. My mom knew why, and he knew why, too. And you’d think that maybe things would have changed after that, but it didn’t. It got worse until I was old enough to move out on my own. My mother stayed until the day she died at forty-seven years old from a heart attack. And I… I honestly don’t know where it went wrong, son. I swore I’d never treat my family as my father did, and I didn’t at first.

“The first time I struck your mother, I cried. And I told her everything. What I just told you, that was such a short part of the story. I’d like to explain more someday if you’d like to hear it. And it’s not right; it’s not okay what I did to my family.” He shakes his head, and I watch as my father cries the first tear I’ve ever seen fall from his eye. “I thought I was doing good because I wasn’t hitting my kids, that it was a step in the right direction, but that night… after I was arrested, the court appointed me to mandatory counseling, and through that, I learned I never processed what I went through as a child.”

I wheeze. “So am I supposed to just forgive you because you got help after what you put us through? After we lived on pins and needles for years with you. Now that I know you had it worse than me, am I also supposed to believe you walked out from behind bars a new man and just forget about the one you used to be who tormented my mom and sister?”

He shakes his head. “No. I don’t expect anything from you. I really just want you to know. I understand that my explanation is not good enough. Nothing would ever be an excuse to the abhorrent behavior I displayed before that night. I want you to know, though, that I did get help. I have a therapist I still see every other week. I pray every night. I beg for forgiveness. But most of all, I wished for my son to take the time to listen to me, and I just got that. I am fully aware there’s a lot more to this story, and I want to tell you, just not now. I’ll leave you alone, but if you ever need me or want to talk more, you know where to find me.”