Cady

 

I’ve tried to get into a routine for the past month, but I’ve been a mess. I’ve overslept and missed work, I’ve forgotten to get Rosie her groceries, and I stayed in bed for three days straight when I got my period because the cramps were so bad I felt like I couldn’t move. But the reality is the pain only lasted a half of a day, and the rest of the time was used as an excuse when really it was my heart that was broken.

But I’m slowly getting better. Feeling more normal.

I got Rosie’s groceries this morning, and the three of us ate lunch together, and she’s now napping. Sebastian is sitting at the kitchen table, and I have a bottle of water in my hands, my fingers flicking at the label as I wait for Sebastian’s reaction to finding out who my father is.

It was time he knew because nothing that happened with Gabriel would make sense unless I told him. Up until now, he didn’t know the details of my past. And I’m regretting it immediately because currently his coffee cup is frozen midair as his eyes remain unblinking as they stare at me.

“Say something,” I beg.

“Wh… why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I don’t know, I just didn’t.” I had my reasons but honestly don’t feel like getting into it again.

He sets his cup down, the porcelain clattering with the saucer. “It makes sense now,” he says to himself, then leans back in his chair. “Damn, Cady. It all makes sense.”

“Damn straight it does.” I startle when Rosie’s voice comes from the right, and I look over to find her scooting in with her walker.

Sebastian jumps up from his seat and helps her sit down in a kitchen chair. Once she’s seated, I hold my breath, waiting for her to yell at me. I’ve never been on the receiving end of her wrath and am not looking forward to it.

I look up at Sebastian, who’s standing behind her with his fingers resting lightly on her slumped shoulders.

“If you let that boy get away from you, Cadence, it’ll be the biggest mistake you’ve ever made in your life.”

“But—”

“But nothing, child. He’s a man, men are stupid, and don’t try to argue with me, Sebastian. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re not still a man.” She holds a bent finger up and points it at me, and I risk a glance at Sebastian to find his shoulders shaking in laughter as he looks down at his feet. “You’ve waited years for him, the least you can do is wait another few months until he gets out of the clink to give him another shot. Now, get me some coffee, I’m parched.”

“I’ll get it.” Sebastian heads to the coffeemaker, and I stare at Rosie but don’t dare argue with her.

“Thank you. Now, did you bring me any donuts, Cady?”

Nodding, I reach up in the cupboard and grab the bag of powdered donut holes, then open it for her, and when Sebastian sets down her coffee, she asks about the weather, and just like that, things are back to normal.

I stay for a little longer and then call a cab to take me home. And when I get there and see I have a letter in the mail from Gabriel, I sprint up my steps and tear the envelope open. I almost rip the paper in half I’m shaking so badly as I unfold it. Taking a deep breath, I put my eyes to his words and read.

 

Cady—

It’s not you. And man, I know that sounds so cliché, but it’s the truth—it’s not you, it’s me. It could never be you that fucked us up. You’re perfect. Everything about you is, and there’s so much about me that’s not. I’m fucked up. My past is shit, and it’s messed with me in ways that I hope you never have to understand, but I want you to all the same.

I was pissed when I found out who your dad was. Totally pissed because you lied to me about it. But I would have gotten over it, I have gotten over it. The truth is, I was over it before I walked out the door that night, to be honest. But when I went to leave, I only was doing it with the intention of clearing my head. I didn’t plan on, I didn’t ever plan on leaving you for anything, Cady. You have to understand that. Everything I said to you was true. I felt all the things for you, and I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you.

But that isn’t going to happen.

There’s only one reason for that, and it’s not because you lied about who your dad is. I get it, I do. And I know I’ve been a dick, and you probably hate me for taking you off the visitor’s list, but you don’t belong here. You’re clean and beautiful and innocent and being in this place with all these fucking bastards is not where you should ever be. As much as I want to see you, I don’t want you here.

I’m getting off track.

I loved your dad. You’re right, he was my idol, and I cannot believe I didn’t figure out who he was to you the whole time we were together. You gave me enough subtle hints that I should have picked up on it, but I was so caught up in you that it didn’t even faze me to think about that. He referred to you as Cadence, and whenever I heard of Maverick’s daughter, it was the same, so it never registered. And it had been so long since I saw a picture of you or even heard anything about you that I kind of forgot, to be honest.

I also didn’t think about the fact that me finding out was hard on you. That you have probably had to relive parts of your life that you didn’t want to, and I’m an even bigger asshole for not realizing that while I was there to comfort you when you told me. Instead, I acted like a douche and left you.

I keep pushing you away because I did push you, Cady. I hurt you. I was angry and just wanted to leave, and when I went to get your hands off me… I hurt you. I did the one thing I swore to myself I would never do to a woman, let alone one I was in love with. That is why. That’s why I keep pushing, and that’s why I’ll never let you get close to me again, and that’s why we’ll never work. Not anymore.

I cannot and will not risk me harming you in any way ever again.

Because here’s the thing. My dad used to beat my mom. Years. Fucking years, Cady… my entire childhood, she was in constant fear, always with bruises. Years she put up with him. I listened to her cry. I watched through the crack in the bathroom door when she’d clean up the blood from her face. I shielded my sister from having to hear the fighting by playing my guitar for her.

One night, I remember walking into the kitchen and thinking Mom was dead. Dad was sitting on his fucking recliner with a beer, and she was lying on the kitchen floor, not moving. She was so still, and I almost left her because I didn’t want to see my mom dead. I was almost too scared to check on her than I was to face the wrath of my father. But I knew if she was going to get help, I was going to have to be the one to do it. So I called 9-1-1. I knew there was nothing I could do for her, so I just sat at the kitchen table where he couldn’t see me and waited. I remember staring at her body and never once seeing her take a breath. Maybe it was because I was crying that I couldn’t see clearly, but the whole time, I really did think she was dead.

And as soon as he heard the sirens, he must have figured it out because he turned in his chair and saw me, then he was up.

I was twelve. He beat me pretty bad, but it was the best thing that could have happened, him strangling me as the cops walked in. They had the proof, and he got locked up for four years. And it was the best four years of my childhood. We were happy. My mom and my sister and me. I was the man of the house, and I took care of them. I protected them. I did what I had to do, and they were safe. My mom was finally safe. She was free of him.

I’d never seen her smile so much, and I thought everything was going to be fine. I thought I’d finally have a good life.

But then he got out, and my ma took him back.

She didn’t have to, but she did. Forgave him. Let him back. After he beat her almost to death… and nearly killed me. She took his ass back. And the fucked-up thing is, I can’t forgive her for that. Even after all these years, I’m still pissed.

She knows it, too. I love her, but I can’t forgive her. I was forced to live with him again, forced to look at him, to be in the same room as him, and I hated it. It hurt so fucking much, and I swear I’d rather have him hit me again than be forced to sit around and listen to his bullshit apologies and redemption speeches and begging for forgiveness.

Music saved me. Your dad’s music saved me. I’d lock myself in my room and turn it up so loud I couldn’t hear anything but the music. It was so loud it drowned out my thoughts and fears and anger just enough to wish for some kind of hope.

Reason to Ruin was my chance to get out. To get the fuck away from the memories and the reality of what I lived with. And when we met Maverick about six months after we were on the road, it was a dream come true.

But when he invited me alone over to his house to go over some riffs and jam a little bit, it was something I never even dreamed of. I saw that picture, the one I found in the drawer, I saw that on his desk in the music room. You were young then; in the photo, you were even younger, but you were so pretty. He clasped my shoulder, and said, “That’s my Cadence. Most beautiful girl in the world. She can play any instrument you put in front of her. She’ll eventually be better than me, better than you, even. Every kid gets something from their parents, there’s no way around it, and I’m just glad she got that part of me.”

And it hit me then, something I’d never thought about—that I was just like my dad. I had a short temper, and I got in fights at school. I even looked like him. But I didn’t want to be like him. I never wanted to be like him, and I was so afraid that I’d end up following his footsteps.

I promised myself right then and there, in your house, looking at that picture, that I’d never let a woman love me so much that she’d let me beat her. That she’d accept me even if I hurt her. That she’d love a monster. I never even let myself think of the possibility of a future with any woman because I was scared shitless that I’d end up like him and I’d hurt her.

But then you came along… God, you shattered whatever ideals I had shielding myself from love. It was almost instant, but I knew for sure that you were different when you cuddled up to me in your sleep, and I saw your face pinch in pain.

It killed me that you were hurting, and I wanted to do everything I could to take it away. I hated seeing you hurt. I fucking hated it. I wanted to take that pain away. The sheer thought of me doing anything to make you cry, to cause you any pain, makes me fucking sick. So I waged war with myself, knowing that I wanted so much to take your pain away, that I’d rather die than do something to add to it; I convinced myself that I could do it.

And I tried.

I tried so damn hard.

But then I pushed you.

You crashed into that table, and I saw my mom lying on the kitchen floor. I saw my entire fucking childhood flash before my eyes, and I knew I had to let you go. I have to let you go, Cady.

I love you too much to risk hurting you again. Not like that. Never like that. I know I hurt you with that chick on New Year’s, and I meant to. I wanted you to hate me. I was trying to make it easier for you to let me go, but I hate myself for that, too. I knew the second it happened, and baby, that was all it was, a fucking second, I swear. But I knew in that second that I couldn’t do it. And when you ran away, I went after you because I… I don’t know. I needed to make sure you were safe. I had to see that you were okay. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to say to you when I got to your apartment, but I had to see you. I needed to apologize. And I never got to do that, so I’m doing it now.

I’m sorry, Cadence. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, and it fucking kills me that I did. I’ll live with that forever, and no matter what, I’ll always love you.

X—Gabriel

P.S. You did not kill your father. Let that shit go, Cadence. The two of you were involved in a car accident that took his life. It wasn’t your fault. And he’d be pissed to know you’ve carried that burden around all these years. You know I’m right. Let it go, baby.

I scream at the top of my lungs and flail my arms in agitation because I can’t believe him. I mean… seriously? That’s what this is all about? That’s why he broke up with me. Because I wouldn’t let him go when he was trying to leave? Because after he repeatedly told me to let him go, and I didn’t, he pulled his arm away and I accidentally fell. He didn’t push me, and he definitely didn’t hurt me. I tripped over my own two feet and fell into my kitchen table. My fault. So because I wouldn’t let him go, he’s letting me go.

Fuck that.

Rosie was right.

I waited forever for him. I’m not letting him just walk away.

I grab my coat and put it on as I’m walking out of my apartment. I stomp down the hallway, then down the stairs, then down the street to Kelly’s. When I push the door open, I do it with more strength than I planned because it crashes into the wall, and everyone looks over at me. “Sorry.” I wince and then walk up to the bar, and thankfully, Meara is there. I slap my fist on the bar, Gabriel’s note crumpled inside my fingers. “What do I do?”

“What?”

“What do I do?” I lean over and hold my hand up, indicating the letter. “How do I make him realize he’s being a stubborn asshole?”

Her lips tilt up on either side, she rubs her hands together, and I see the plotting she’s already doing. “I have an idea.”