Betty is nervous about meeting her future in-laws for the first time. “They won’t like me,” she frets. “They’ll think I’m not sophisticated enough for Allan. All they’re interested in is the opera. As usual, I won’t fit in. They’ll probably just ignore me. I’ll stay quiet and not let on that I don’t know anything about opera.” Sure enough, the evening turns into a disaster. Betty remains silent and aloof while Allan’s parents speak enthusiastically about the latest opera production. To begin with, they make polite attempts to include her, but when she fails to reciprocate they stop trying and she is ignored. Betty’s own actions ensure that her prophecy comes true.
This imaginary episode illustrates just how much influence we have over upcoming events – for better or, in this case, for worse. Our expectations first govern our intentions, which regulate our behaviour, which affects the behaviour of the other people involved. Betty’s expectation that her future in-laws would not like her led to her intention not to draw attention to herself, which led to her silent behaviour, which, in turn, led to their ignoring her. Seeing your prophecy come true reinforces the beliefs behind it, making a similar scenario even more likely to occur in the future.
The prediction that is most likely to influence whether we succeed or fail is the one that we make about our ability to succeed – a measure known as self-efficacy. As the psychologist Albert Bandura stated, self-efficacy “is not the skills one has but rather one’s judgment of what one can do with those skills.” If you can increase your level of self-efficacy, your self-fulfilling prophecies will invariably be positive – you will tackle situations in the expectation of success and you will expect other people to view you in a positive light, which will inspire them to do so. For example, if Betty had said to herself, “OK, I may not know much about opera, but I can show Allan’s parents that I am interested in what they have to say and there are plenty of other things I can talk to them about,” then it is more than likely that her evening would have turned out much better.
You can learn to make more positive predictions about your competence (your self-efficacy) and how others will treat you, which will lead to more of your endeavours going well. One way to increase your self-efficacy is to draw inspiration from the successes of your friends. Rather than using their achievements as a rod with which to beat yourself, examine the factors that enabled them to succeed. Think about all the hard work they had to invest, and remind yourself that if they can do it there’s no reason why you can’t achieve something similar.
Another method is to seek encouraging feedback from someone whose opinion you value. Go to that valued person and describe to them the problem that you are struggling with – they will generally be able to give you a more objective and more positive assessment of your ability to meet the challenge than you can muster. Even if you are not able to call on the assistance of a real person, the exercise opposite shows how you can conduct this kind of conversation with yourself.
Use empathy (see p.21) to predict other people’s reactions to you in a more positive way. Instead of jumping to the conclusion that they will view you negatively, try to anticipate your dealings with them through their eyes. How would you judge you in their position? (This will help you realize that others will almost certainly judge you more favourably than you judge yourself.) Do you have any ill-feeling toward them? Probably not. In which case, why do you insist on assuming that they will think badly of you?
The self-fulfilling prophecy is an immensely powerful tool. Make sure you use it to build yourself up, not to knock yourself down. Listen to Henry Ford’s words: “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.”