Beth did not speak on the drive back to the hotel other than to tell Patterson she was staying at the Best Western. The hotel looked like a miniature replica of The Alamo. They certainly embraced the whole South Western vibe in New Mexico, everything was either stucco or terracotta or encrusted with turquoise. It was so overdone as to make the entire state look like a caricature.
“Let me make sure you get into your room.”
Beth shook her head. “I know you, cowboy, I know your moves. That ship has sailed.”
Patterson smiled, but it was half hearted. “You know I’m always up for sleeping with you but I really just want to make sure you’re OK.”
Beth took a deep breath. “I’m fine.” She did not tell Patterson what Ignacio had said but she was fairly certain he would have caught on they were talking about Torres. The drive had given her time to think, to process what had happened and decide her next move. All the pieces were in place, it was time to make her move.
Patterson put his hand on hers. She didn’t pull away. She needed him to feel a connection. So she could use it…
“Patterson, I need a favour. Don’t agree until you know what it is.”
“You know I’ll say yes. What do you need?”
“I’m serious. You need to think about this. This could get you arrested.”
“What do you need?”
She knew he would say yes no matter what it was. She should feel guilty for asking but she didn’t. She was not above manipulating Patterson any more than she had been above manipulating Torres all those years ago. The only thing that mattered was closing this case. She used to try to minimize her transgressions but now she barely registered them. She was apathetic. At first she thought she was numb from her sister’s death but now she realized she just didn’t give a fuck. “I’m leaving for Monaco tomorrow night. We’re picking up Zayat. I need leverage, Patterson. These people don’t play fair.” They had murdered her sister, killed Raul’s family and countless others. Beth had no doubt that they would kill her or Alejandra if given half a chance. They weren’t all playing by the same rules. It was time to level the playing field. “Pick up his son.”
“Beth.”
“If you won’t do it tell me now. But if you do, I want you back on the task force until we bring in El Escorpion. I need you, Patterson.” She was turning the screws, manipulating him. He would do it for her; because he still cared, he still thought there was something there. There was nothing there because she had nothing left to give. She was empty. It had all been a lie.
“OK.”
Beth let out a stream of air. Beth squeezed his hand. “Get the next flight to London. I’ll call you when I land.”
Patterson followed her into reception. She didn’t need an escort but it made him feel needed and that would only work in her favor. She didn’t know yet what else she would need him to do.
Beth handed the night clerk her reservation print out and her driver’s license. The woman looked up at her over her bifocals and then at Patterson. The woman cleared her throat. “Your husband already checked in. He’s waiting in your room.”
Beth’s hand dropped to her gun. Patterson had already drawn his weapon. He flashed his badge.
“My husband? What did he look like?” She didn’t put it past Torres to follow her to New Mexico, he had done it before after all, but it was just as likely to be a Zeta or a Treinta waiting for her in her room.
The woman shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know. My shift just started. It just says on the computer that the other guest has signed in.”
Beth turned down the hallway, Patterson just behind her. Beth slid her key into the door. She held her breath as the light flashed green. She threw the door open.
The room was empty “Clear. Check the bathroom.”
“Clear.”
“I’ll check this floor. You take upstairs.”
Patterson nodded as Beth opened the door. Beth kept her back to the wall. Footsteps…coming closer…rounding he corner. Her finger was on the trigger; ready.
“Torres!” Her heart jumped, as relief washed over her but she did not lower her gun.
In an instant Patterson was behind her, his gun still drawn and pointed at Torres.
“Jessop called me. Thought you would need support.” His dark eyes flashed with anger as he glanced at Patterson.
For a long moment, silence reigned as the two men glared; the hatred burning between them was palpable. She had no doubt that if there were not two guns trained on Torres, Patterson would be on the ground by now.
“What did Jessop tell you?” Beth demanded, needing to know exactly how much her boss knew. If he knew to send Torres for her, he must know that Ignacio was going to implicate him in Paige’s murder. Oh fuck…what was going on?
Torres rubbed his hand over the dark stubble on his chin. In his other hand was a brown deli bag. “Beth, we need to talk. I brought you something to eat. I thought you might be hungry.”
“I’m not hungry. Why are you here? Why did Jessop send you? What does he know?”
“Beth, put the gun down. We need to talk.”
She shook her head. The cold metal of her gun was the only thing keeping her focused. Her head was spinning. There was too much to process, her mind fired scenarios at her, too quickly for her to comprehend. Betrayal and rage flooded her. Paige was dead because of Torres. He knew and he had covered it up with the help of Jessop.
“I’ll tell you everything, just put the gun down.”
Torres took a step towards her. He was going to reach for her gun. “Stop,” she screamed. “Stay where you are.”
“I suggest you listen to her, asshole. The jig is up. She knows that you led Ignacio Chavez to her sister. You really should have slashed his throat when you had the chance.”
Beth’s head snapped to look at Patterson. He knew too. He knew the whole time he was holding her hand and pretending to care, Patterson knew she was finding out that her husband was responsible for her sister’s death. “Oh fuck,” she was going to be sick again. This was too much. “You knew. You brought me to Santa Fe so you could tell me. This was about hurting Torres…oh fuck…” She couldn’t breathe. Her chest hurt, her eyes burned. “Why would you do that?” Her knees went slack. She backed up against the wall for support. “Why? Was it to gloat? You were right. You said he would hurt me and he did. Are you getting off on being right?”
“Christ, Beth no!” Patterson’s face contorted in a pained expression. He didn’t look like he was enjoying this any more than her.
“Then why? I could have lived my whole life without knowing that.” A sob tore through her. Everything she thought about her life, her marriage…was any of it real? How long had he known? Did he know when he married her? In Albuquerque? When he said he loved her?
“Because you need to know who he is.”
She wiped a tear away with her free hand. “I know. And I know the kind of man you are now too. Go home, Patterson.” She couldn’t look at him now, it hurt too much.
“Beth.”
“Go!” she screamed.
“I’m not leaving you here with him.”
Beth laughed. “Him? He is my husband.” Christ, it was too funny. She had finally learned to trust him and…oh God there was the universe laughing at her again. She could almost hear it. “Go home, Patterson. He can’t hurt me any more then he already has.”
Patterson looked from Beth to Torres. He was still holding his gun. “Text me in an hour to let me know you’re OK. If I don’t hear, I’m calling the police.”
Torres’ nostrils flared as he tried to reel in his anger.
Beth watched as Patterson walked away before she turned back to Torres. “You need to leave. Now.” Her arm trembled under the slight weight of her gun.
“We need to talk.”
“I have nothing to say to you. I see now. I’ve got all the pieces, I can see now.” Her voice cracked. “I was so stupid. And to think I felt guilty.” She wiped away another hot torrent of tears. Her heart ached, real pain, like an icepick slamming into her chest with every strangled beat. She shook her head. “No. I don’t want to talk. Just tell me when did you know?” It was the final piece in the puzzle.
Torres took a ragged breath. “I didn’t know it was Ignacio for sure until Jessop called me…a few weeks ago.”
Beth bit into her lip to keep from screaming. “You knew when you were making love to me last night? You knew when you were holding my hand when I had the ultrasound? You knew when I went to see Patterson.” Her mind screamed as the final piece clicked into place, she saw the whole picture now. “You made me feel guilty, like I had betrayed you by asking Patterson for help, when all the time you knew that my sister was dead because of you. You led him to her!”
“It wasn’t like that. Beth, listen to me.”
“It was exactly like that. They killed her because he thought she was me. And it’s your fault, you led him to her. You should have slit his throat when you had the chance. Why didn’t you kill him?!” she demanded. Tears were falling now too fast for her to wipe away, so she didn’t even try. She just squinted through the acid burn that clouded her vision.
“I’m not having this conversation in a hallway. You need to go sit down. You look like you are about to fall over. You’re exhausted. I can see it.”
Beth forced herself to stand upright. “Fuck you, Torres. You don’t get to pretend to care about me.”
“Of course I care about you. I love you, Gatita. You’re my wife.”
The sound of his name for her made her blood stagnate. If only he had told Ignacio her name, Paige would be alive. If only Torres had killed him when he had a chance. Beth had read the report of his time in captivity. She knew he had the opportunity to kill him. Torres had killed two guards. Shit he had killed countless others, why could be not have killed Ignacio too? “You had the blade to his throat. Why? Why didn’t you kill him?” she demanded.
Sadness settled on his full mouth. “I’m sorry.”
She shook her head. “No. That’s not an answer. You owe me an explanation. You owe Paige an explanation. Why is she dead?”
Torres ran a hand through his dark hair and swore. He took a deep breath. “In my mind, he was already dead. I was going to slit his throat. I’ve done it dozens of times before. He was just another kill, I would forget before he bled out.”
“Why didn’t you do it?”
“Because I was coming home to you. I was done killing. It was over. There are only so many times you can watch a man take his last breath and not kill your own soul in the process. I reached my limit in Colombia. I’m done, Beth. I can’t kill any more. You think I didn’t kill Patterson because you were there. I didn’t kill him because I’m done. I’m not a murderer any more. That’s not me. To be whole, to be the man that deserves you, I had to stop. But I am sorry I didn’t kill Ignacio. I will regret not making that kill until the day I die. I’m sorry.”
Beth shook her head. It wasn’t enough. Sorry would not bring Paige back. Sorry would not make her whole again. “Are you sorry that you are the reason my sister is dead? Are you sorry for lying to me? Are you sorry for covering it up?”
“Yes.”
Beth closed her eyes as stream after stream of tears fell down her cheek. The pain was blinding. She hurt everywhere. She needed him to feel it too, know what he had done to her. She wanted to hurt him as badly as he hurt her. “Are you sorry because you were caught? Is that what it is? Or do you feel bizarrely liberated? I need to know because I’ve got secrets too. I’ve kept things from you and it has been killing me. I could not let myself even consider being happy again because I felt so guilty. Did you feel like that, Torres? Please tell me that was how you felt. Please tell me all your happiness, all your hopes, were poisoned by your guilt. Say it. Tell me they were.”
“I’m sorry.” He looked defeated, laid bare, but it wasn’t enough. The pain she saw in his eyes did not match hers. He still didn’t look like his heart had been ripped through his chest. She wanted him to hurt like that too, only then could he understand.
Beth wiped the final stream of tears away. She was done crying. She brought her left hand up to steady the gun. Her hand was trembling uncontrollably now. The weight was too much. “After you came back from Colombia, the night after we had sex, I went to Patterson. I fucked him. I fucked Patterson after you came back. I’ve been carrying that guilt around, killing myself for being such a shitty fucked-up excuse for a human but now…well now…at least I can say, I didn’t get anyone killed. I’m a shitty person but no one is dead because of it.”
Torres’ eyes narrowed into angry slits. His mouth was a white slash. He was there again, the killer, the side of him that scared her. And now the side of him she hated. She was finally facing the killer in front of her. She had created him and she hated him.
“Stop it, Beth,” he said between clenched teeth. “I know you’re hurting, but don’t say something you can’t take back. What happened, all of it, it’s over. Everything. Those babies are mine, the same way Alejandra is mine, because you’re mine. You’re my wife.”
His face finally matched the ache in her soul. He hurt as much as she did. “Go, Torres. We’re done. There is nothing more we can do to hurt each other. We did it! We can’t sink any lower.” Her mouth twisted into a bitter smile. They had reached the bottom. Ironically it made it easier to breathe, there was nothing left. It was over.
“We can’t turn back the clock. But if we could, I never would have knocked on your door. I would have listened to Patterson when he said you couldn’t be trusted. He is an asshole but he has better judgment than me.”
Torres’ jaw tensed at the sound of her partner’s name, but Beth wasn’t done turning the knife. “I wish I never met you. Everything that came after that point has been nothing but pain. I should have listened to Patterson, maybe he really did do me a favor when he sent you to Colombia. Leave now Torres, like you did four years ago. And this time don’t come back.”
Torres’ face contorted in barely controlled anger, his body vibrated with it. He turned and walked away, out of the hotel…out of her life.
Beth collapsed on the bed. She doubled over as pain and nausea rocked her body. She was alone. So alone. There was no one to call. Patterson had betrayed her. Torres had betrayed her. Even Jessop…nobody in her life could be trusted.
All of it, was all of it a lie? Was anything real? What was the point? Why was she doing this? Had she reached the point where she needed to call time on this case, walk away, give it to someone else and let it fuck their life over like it had hers? There was no resolution that would make any of this worth it. She had given her life to this stupid cause, finding the leader of a drug cartel, but why? Was it worth it? Was it worth her life?
She closed her eyes as realization hit her. Beth had freely given her life; nobody forced her to join the DEA. Beth gave her life but Paige’s had been ripped from her. Paige…her beautiful funny sister was dead because of her, because of Torres, because of Patterson, because of Los Treintas.
And what about Raul’s family? They didn’t choose this. Raul didn’t choose to bury his wife and children. Beth couldn’t quit now.
It really would be for nothing, if El Escorpion got away. Beth had to stop him…for all the people he had hurt, all the families he had destroyed.
Beth sat up and fumbled for her phone. Her fingers moved quickly as she texted Patterson. “I’m fine. Pick up the kid. I’m finishing this.”