THE THIRD PERFECTION is the perfection of patience, which is kshanti in Sanskrit and zopa in Tibetan. My name is Zopa, but that does not mean I am patient. In my case it’s just a name, like calling your dog “Buddha.”
We all need patience. Even somebody who doesn’t practice the Dharma, who doesn’t believe in reincarnation, karma, and so forth, needs patience. Otherwise how would anybody have any peace and harmony? How could we possibly get along with our partner, our children, our friends, our colleagues? Even if we were able to find one friend, without patience how could we hold that friendship?
Enlightenment is impossible without patience, and that means we must develop patience for all sentient beings, including those we now think of as our enemies. Enemies are actually the ones we can most learn from — they are, in that way, our best friends and greatest teachers.
In the same way that we need to take the appropriate medicine for an illness we have, we need to practice patience or we will never overcome our anger. Anger destroys our peace, our life; it harms others and turns them against us. A vicious circle begins, causing us to get even angrier. This will continue, even after this life. In a different body we still receive harm from these “enemies” and give them harm in return. For a hundred lifetimes, a thousand lifetimes, this will continue because karma is expandable. Patience is the only antidote.
HOW ANGER ARISES
We begin our training in patience by seeing the real cause of our suffering. The people who have harmed us are not the cause. Controlled by delusion and karma, they were forced to do the actions that harmed us. When we understand karma, we can see that it is impossible to receive the result of something if we have not created the cause in the past, so we must have harmed that person in some way previously to cause this situation to arise. We have abused them, and now the karma has returned and we are being abused. Whatever negative thing is happening to us at this moment can always be traced back to a similar negative action we did in the past. When we develop a deep understanding of karma, when we have complete conviction that those who harm us could not help harming us because of the previous harm we did them, they become only objects of compassion. We harmed them, and now we are being paid back. We caused this, so how can we possibly become angry with them?
Until we have totally eradicated anger from our mindstream and have a mind of perfect patience, we can still become angry. Somebody could angrily criticize a buddha or even destroy texts and stupas in front of them, but a buddha could never become angry at that person because there are no delusions in their mind and therefore no cause of anger. Similarly, a higher bodhisattva, who has totally renounced the self and only cherishes others, cannot become angry. With the new bodhisattva, there might be a flash of anger due to past imprints, but it is very rare and doesn’t last more than a second.
This shows us that the other person’s harm is not the main cause of anger. If it were, then anger must arise — whatever the level of mind of the person being harmed. But really the harm is only a condition; the main cause, the imprint of anger from previous moments of anger, is already on the mind. Until we have completely removed the imprint of anger, there is always the chance it will ripen and anger will arise. Therefore we must always protect our mind; we must be constantly aware of our thoughts and able to avert any negative thought that might arise.
This is the first of the two main reasons why we get angry — we have not removed the imprint of anger, or the other delusions, from our mindstream by generating the remedy of the path. The imprint is like the seed that can always sprout into a full-grown plant with the right conditions such as earth, water, and sun. If we have the seed of anger within our mindstream, there is little we can do to stop it when the conditions come together. Every time we become angry, we leave an imprint on our mind that will cause us to become angry in the future, thus perpetuating and increasing our anger. The more negative imprints of anger we leave, the more difficult our future life will be. However, when we directly realize emptiness on the path of seeing, we finally destroy the seeds of the disturbing-thought obscurations (nyondrib) and cease all gross delusions such as anger, attachment, jealousy, and so forth, making it impossible for any delusion to arise. But even before removing the seeds entirely, we can avert anger by applying the remedies to anger that we have learned in our Dharma practice.
The second reason anger arises is that despite knowing the remedies, we do not apply them. The Kadampa geshes say that meditating on a deity is easy, but practicing the Dharma is difficult. We can do a deity practice and recite lots of mantras but, unless we transform everything we do into Dharma, we will never have realizations. We can relate that here to patience. Unless we let go of clinging to this life, everything we do will be nonvirtuous, and anger will arise so easily when our desires are frustrated. Only by practicing patience can we change that.
How we view a situation depends entirely on our mind. Viewed one way, the person wanting to harm us is an enemy, and the action is a harmful one. Viewed another way, that person is a friend, and their action is helpful. It is like having the choice to switch channels on our TV to a violent movie or a gentle one. Just as our mind is the door to all suffering, it is also the door to all happiness, depending on how we use it. Because present happiness and present suffering depend on what attitude we have, we must constantly watch our mind, always keeping it virtuous.
Whenever we face an angry person and have the opportunity to practice patience, we should do it. To not practice patience while that person is there is to miss a great opportunity. Just as we say “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” we can say “some patience a day keeps the lower realms away.” That’s how important it is in our life, and we should never miss the opportunity to practice it. We should persist, even if we often fail. It is very difficult at the beginning. We might be able to remain patient for a few seconds, and then our patience is gone. But over the years we will certainly improve if we work on it consistently.
Without controlling our anger, we lose the incredible chance at happiness. That loss is incalculable; it is so much worse than losing a million dollars, or even a billion dollars. Perhaps we get angry at an enemy and make them give us a billion dollars. We are richer by a billion dollars, but we must face eons of the most terrible suffering in the lower realms because of that anger, without a cent, without a rag to cover us or a scrap of food.
THE DISADVANTAGES OF ANGER
Anger and patience are dichotomies; when one is present in our mind, the other cannot be. Therefore being angry blocks the chance of being patient and is a great hindrance to developing bodhichitta. Anger is the mind that wishes to harm the other being — that is its function — whereas bodhichitta is the opposite.
Along with heresy, anger is considered the most damaging mind to have, in that it destroys any undedicated merit. Just as grain that is completely burned in a fire can never sprout into the plant, any positive merit we have can never ripen into a positive result when burned by anger or heresy.
In A Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life, Shantideva said,
[A moment of] ill-will destroys all good deeds,
as well as generosity and worship of the sugatas,
even if one has practiced them
for thousands of cosmic cycles.44
Merit that has been dedicated will not be completely burned, but the result will still be disturbed; for instance, it may become impossible to experience the result for a thousand eons. All our realizations on the path — even our temporal happiness — will be delayed for that incredible length of time.
Whenever we have the slightest anger arising in our mind, we must do whatever we can to avert it. The moment before anger arises we can be sitting comfortably and contentedly, just relaxing, and then, suddenly, right away, there is anger, completely destroying the sense of peace and happiness we were experiencing. Suddenly there is great pain in our heart as the flame of anger flares up, destroying this moment’s peace and destroying our future happiness.
Virtue is very rare, like the lightning in the sky, whereas our mind is like the nighttime without the moon or the stars — completely dark. We can generate a virtuous thought very occasionally, and then only for the briefest moment. If that is so, how can we then destroy that precious virtuous thought by becoming angry? We must be so careful to watch our mind and never allow anger to arise, as if we are walking along a narrow path on the edge of a high cliff that we could plummet over at any moment if we let our guard slip.
At nighttime we go to bed with anger; in the morning we get up with anger. During the entire day we live our life with anger, accumulating so much negative karma, feeling physically uncomfortable and deriving no pleasure from the things around us. The most luxurious house gives us no happiness; the most delicious food seems tasteless while we have anger.
Perhaps we have faith in the Dharma, talking about it often with our friends, but when we are overcome with anger, all that Dharma is forgotten. What we have learned about karma, refuge, or any of the other subjects seems very far away. Consumed with anger, there is great danger.
Bodhisattvas are not like that at all. Because their only thought is to be of benefit to all sentient beings, even if somebody harms them they would never wish to retaliate. A bodhisattva will always give help in return for harm. This is the opposite of our behavior; we are always looking for our own interests and so will harm others, regardless of whether they have helped or harmed us. Because of the amazing mind of bodhichitta, a bodhisattva only feels great bliss no matter what happens. Therefore there is no such thing as “harm” as we know it.
Although anger always looks to an external enemy to blame, we must see that it is only ever the inner enemy, our self-cherishing, that produces our anger. This is what destroys all our merit and creates such suffering for ourselves and others.
Extinguishing the Fuel of Anger
There is nothing pleasant at all about anger. Irritation, agitation, impatience, sullenness, spite — all these sorts of negative emotions overwhelm us and refuse to give us one moment’s peace, whereas when we have patience, we have genuine peace. There is no question of which is preferable. The frustrated, unhappy mind is the fuel that can easily grow into anger. Until we have learned to overcome that anger with patience, it will destroy any happiness we have.
It’s not that anger and hatred are weak minds. With hatred our mind is incredibly focused on the object of our hatred and how to destroy it. We should turn that strength around to destroy the real enemy, focusing all our attention on what is really causing us such unhappiness — our own anger. We need to destroy it completely with patience.
We don’t have to become angry when an enemy tries to harm us or when adverse situations occur. It’s impossible to avoid problems, but when we analyze such situations, we will see that there is no reason for becoming unhappy. Unless we can generate a happy mind, how can we renounce the unhappy one? We therefore need to think well on the benefits of voluntarily accepting suffering and make a strong determination to not allow anger and frustration to arise, no matter what happens around us.
It is very easy to let a day go by without practicing patience, then a week, a month, a year. Before we know it, our whole life has gone and then, suddenly, unexpectedly, death happens and we have never developed patience in our mind, despite all the teachings we have studied and retreats we have done. At the time of death it’s too late to regret not developing patience.
What we can do now in a very practical way is to watch our mind, and the moment it is disturbed by somebody or something, by understanding the terrible effects of anger, we determine to not allow even a moment of anger to arise. We can make a plan to do this for a certain time each day and gradually increase it. If we train our mind in patience in that way, doing whatever we can to overcome any angry thought that arises, by keeping at it, change will definitely happen, year by year. Seeing how there is so much more peace now that the angry mind does not arise gives us the determination to practice patience even more. Then, thinking back on how we once would have become angry from one sharp word from a colleague at work or from the noise of branches tapping on our window disturbing our sleep, we will wonder why we ever got so angry. It is just a matter of practice.
THE THREE TYPES OF PATIENCE
The general definition of patience is being able to forbear any harm or difficulty inflicted by others. Specifically, there are three types of patience:
1. The patience of disregarding the harm done by others
2. The patience of accepting suffering
3. The patience of gaining certainty about the Dharma
How much happiness and peace of mind there is in our everyday life depends on how much we are able to practice these three types of patience. Therefore it is very important to not only understand precisely what they are but also to practice them.
For instance, we might have done many retreats and have a daily meditation practice that includes lots of mantra recitation, and we really think we are becoming a better person, but suddenly, when something bad happens and somebody harms us in some way, we immediately want to retaliate. That indicates that something fundamental is missing in our practice. If such a situation happens, we should think, “If I get angry, what have I been doing? All these offerings I make, all these prostrations I do, all these practices are to subdue my mind and destroy my delusions, so it makes no sense to become angry while trying to do all this. What a childish, crazy thing to do. By getting angry I will be destroying everything I have been working for.”
1. The Patience of Disregarding the Harm Done by Others
The first type of patience is the patience of disregarding the harm done by others, of not retaliating when faced with harm.
Without patience, no matter how much education we have, there is no peace or freedom at all. Our mind becomes the servant to our anger, completely under its control. The sole reason we have given ourselves an education is to be happy, and yet if we don’t have a good heart, nothing will bring us peace and happiness — nothing will protect our mind from suffering or from its causes: ignorance and dissatisfaction.
There are many reasons why anger is inappropriate. Although it is natural to think when we are harmed in some way that we are blameless and the other person is entirely to blame, that is not so. Their action might seem volitional but really they have no control; they are ruled by their delusions. Of this Shantideva said,
I myself during my past lives brought similar torments
upon other beings. Therefore it is only fitting
that this same tribulation should fall upon me,
who am the cause of injury to other living beings.
His sword and my body are the twofold cause of my pain.
He bears the sword,
I, the body,
with which one should I feel angry?
In the shape of a body I adopted this open sore,
sensitive to the slightest touch.
If I myself, blinded by thirst, bring upon it further affliction,
what should be the object of my anger?45
Of course, when somebody is beating us with a stick, we blame the person. Being angry at a stick is complete nonsense because it is under the control of the person. When we look deeper, however, we can see that the person too is being controlled. Utterly overwhelmed by anger, they have no freedom at all. If there is anything to blame, it is their anger, the delusion that forces them to act harmfully and create negative karma. Therefore they are not an object of hatred and blame but of compassion, used as they are like a slave by their anger. Thinking this way, rather than thinking about our own happiness and how it is being harmed, we have no choice but to feel deep compassion for them. We see the other person as so pitiful, with so much suffering.
But we should look even deeper for the cause of our harm. The only reason we are experiencing that harm at all is because we have created the cause in the first place. If that is so, then it’s only right that we now must face the results.
According to our self-cherishing, it is perfectly acceptable to treat the other person badly (they totally deserve it) but utterly unacceptable that we are treated badly in any way (we are totally blameless). When we understand karma, however, we can see that there is no way we can be harmed by that person without having created the cause for that harm through having harmed them in the past. This is just the ripening of some past karma; we have created the cause and we are experiencing the result. When we accept this, the situation does not become a problem. On top of this, it gives us space to generate compassion for that person. We only want to help them, to protect them from creating negative karma.
From the person’s side, because of what we did to them in the past, they have been forced to create negative karma and will have to face the consequences. Their negative karma will block them from another human rebirth, causing them instead to be reborn in the lower realms where they will experience the most terrible suffering.
Without an Enemy There Is No Chance to Practice Patience
We must realize that even if all the people in the world were angry with us — even if they killed us — we are just one living being, just one person being hurt, but if we — that one person — fail to practice patience, then numberless other beings will receive harm from us, and that is much more dangerous. Right now, at this moment, we have the choice whether to practice patience or practice anger. We have this opportunity to give all beings peace and happiness. Therefore we need to develop patience, and for that we need those who try to harm us.
Shantideva said,
If I think he should not have my respect
thinking that my enemy’s intention is to harm me,
how would I otherwise practice forgiveness?
Would I practice forgiveness toward, say, a physician whose goal is my own good?46
Unless somebody opposes us in some way, there is no way we can practice patience. Somebody who tries to help us, like a doctor, cannot serve that purpose. Even though the Buddha and all the gurus have taught us everything we need to know about developing patience, because they have no anger toward us, we have no opportunity to practice it with them. The best type of sentient being we can practice patience with is the enemy, the one who abuses or tries to harm us in some way. Once we understand the need to develop patience, we will see that we need somebody like that. Our virtuous teacher might have given us the teachings, but this person we call an enemy is the one who allows us to put those teachings into practice and, in that way, is also a virtuous teacher.
If their animosity lasted years and years, we would have so long to practice on them. However, their anger at us will probably not last that long. It is not permanent; it will soon disappear. In another hour they may no longer be angry at us. They certainly won’t be angry at us in a hundred years’ time, so there will be no chance to practice patience then. Right now is the only opportunity we have to practice patience. If we don’t manage to develop patience while that person is still angry at us, when can we? We cannot miss such a wonderful opportunity.
An enemy criticizes us, whereas a friend praises us; we don’t want criticism, whereas we always welcome praise. We should consider this. When we are praised we naturally feel proud, and pride is a great obstacle to developing the mind. The various results of pride are explained in the teachings on karma. We are blocked from learning and from attaining realizations, and it stops our ability to benefit others. It causes us to be born in the lower realms or, at the least, as poor or blind. By criticizing us, the enemy harms our pride, which damages our self-cherishing. Because self-cherishing is the sole source of all our suffering, in doing that our enemy is the sole source of all our peace and happiness, all the way up to enlightenment. The chance our enemy offers us to practice patience is like the medicine we have in our house in case of emergency, such as a heart attack; in fact, taking the medicine of patience is ultimately far more important than taking medicine for the body.
That person’s action appears harmful to us, and we believe that label to be completely true. Having labeled it a harmful action, believing that label, we then act on the anger that arises because of it, creating nonvirtue and future suffering. When we change the label and see the action as helpful, the thought of anger does not arise. Instead of giving victory to our anger and becoming its slave, we give ourselves freedom.
What we need to do is turn the situation around and see how that person has given us the chance to develop our patience further. From that perspective, they have taught us the most valuable lesson and are therefore the most kind, the most precious one. If we think in this way, the kindness they have shown us is inexpressible. This “enemy” is the guru who helps us on the path, allowing us to attain bodhichitta and enlightenment. As Langri Tangpa said in Eight Verses on Mind Training,
Even if one whom I have helped,
or in whom I have placed great hope,
gravely mistreats me in hurtful ways,
I will train myself to view him as my sublime teacher.47
With No More Anger There Are No More Enemies
The number of enemies we have and the amount of harm we receive depend on the strength of our anger. When we are free from anger, we are free from enemies. Arya bodhisattvas receive no harm at all from others because they have eliminated all delusions.
With anger, it is very easy to find external enemies; without it, it is impossible. If we have the concept of an enemy, we see an enemy; if we don’t have the concept of an enemy, we don’t see an enemy. Without anger, even if all sentient beings were to become angry with us, criticize us, or even kill us, from our side we could not find even one enemy among them. This enemy is the view of our negative thoughts, an interpretation, a label. It’s not the view of all our minds. It’s not the view of our positive, pure minds. We need to change our view, not eliminate all the external enemies.
As Shantideva said,
Where will you find enough leather
to cover the whole earth?
Merely by wearing a pair of leather shoes
you will cover the earth.
In the same way,
since I cannot control external objects,
I will control my own mind.
What is there to gain by controlling the rest?48
Imagine if, before a world trip, we told our friends we were buying many millions of square miles of leather to cover the entire surface of the planet so we could travel without getting thorns in our feet. People would think we were crazy. The earth is vast, and our feet are tiny. Rather than covering the earth with leather, all we need to do to protect ourselves is to buy some shoes. In exactly the same way, rather than having to protect ourselves from the external thorns of our enemies’ harm, we protect our mind with patience and awareness. Then no matter how many atomic bombs our enemy might have, they can never harm us. Without anger, there can be no harm. While overcoming our anger might be hard, it is possible, whereas being free from all external enemies without destroying our anger is impossible.
Therefore it is vital that we attack our real enemy, the self-cherishing mind that generates negative thoughts such as anger, rather than those we currently consider our enemies. Worldly people see the victor in a bloody battle as a hero and call them brave, but the one who actually qualifies for the title “hero,” the one who is truly brave, is the one who fights the inner enemy, defeating the self-cherishing mind and its army of disturbing thoughts. Although the common warrior might kill other human beings, they are only killing corpses. We are all “living corpses” because we are in these bodies for such a short time, so whether we are victor or vanquished is of little consequence; a battle is nothing more than a fight between two corpses.
Since beginningless time we have followed the dictates of our self-cherishing, and all it has ever brought us is endless suffering. When we are harmed in some way, we have two choices: to follow the self-cherishing and harm the harmer in return, or to practice patience and overcome our self-cherishing.
When we reach the stage when we can actually feel the kindness of the person who harms us, there will be deep joy and peace. This is something we can’t purchase from a department store or a supermarket, even if we had a billion dollars. This is the importance of the enemy, the one who doesn’t love us but instead has anger for us, and who criticizes and abuses us.
2. The Patience of Accepting Suffering
The second of the three types of patience is the patience of voluntarily accepting suffering. When we reflect deeply on our life, we will see how while we remain in this unenlightened state, it is not only unavoidable to experience suffering but also completely natural. We should see that the nature of whatever we experience with our unsubdued mind is only suffering, regardless of whether it is a pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral feeling.
Furthermore, we should analyze those feelings in order to understand how we see them as permanent and independent, whereas they are not; all those feelings of anger, attachment, and indifference are impermanent — they arise, last a while, and go — and are dependent on causes and conditions. They are empty of being the independent entities they seem to be.
In the Lamrim Chenmo, Lama Tsongkhapa explained that when we become unhappy, angry, or paranoid (actually, he didn’t say paranoid — I just added that), we should see how all negative emotions arise because we have this container of contaminated aggregates, this body and mind. Just as somebody carrying a heavy load cannot be happy until they have put down that load, we cannot find real happiness until we have unburdened ourselves of the contaminated aggregates.49
To explore this, I recommend regularly reading the chapters on patience and wisdom in Shantideva’s A Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life. The entire chapter on patience shows us the disadvantages of anger and the advantages of patience, and the entire chapter on wisdom shows us how things dependently arise and are empty of inherent existence. These two chapters combined are the best cure for the deluded minds that cause suffering now. In fact, they are the best study of psychology.50 Thought-transformation texts are also very effective for the mind, giving us an infallible method to meet and overcome any thoughts of frustration or anger that arise. Studying these texts is not like doing a university degree that only brings some limited benefit after years of study; studying for even one day brings great benefit.
Why Be Unhappy?
There is no reason to become unhappy with any undesirable situation, either ones we can resolve or ones we cannot. Shantideva said,
If there is a solution,
what good is discontent.
If there is no solution,
what good is it anyway?51
This verse should be remembered at all times because it gives us the reason we should never be unhappy; it is so effective for the mind. If there is a possibility to resolve the problem, we should attempt to do just that. What is the point of being unhappy when we see we can fix it? We are just causing difficulties for ourselves by clinging to unhappiness when the solution is right there in front of us. As soon as we start to resolve the situation, the reason for our unhappiness disappears.
Perhaps the situation cannot be resolved. If that is so, what is the point of being unhappy? It’s useless. Say, in a book on Buddhist psychology, we read a definition of space as “that which is empty of resistance.” Because we really dislike the fact that there can be something empty of resistance, we don’t like this definition. However, that is the reality; there is absolutely nothing we can do about it. So how absurd it is to become angry about it. There is not the slightest benefit from wishing that it might be otherwise.
This advice becomes particularly important when something major happens in our life. If we go for a checkup and our doctor tells us we have cancer, how do we deal with it? Although there is nothing we can do to change the situation, at least we can change our attitude to the situation. Rather than becoming totally depressed, we can see that here is an amazing opportunity to transform our mind. Other people have no thought of the impermanence of life, and so they waste this incredibly precious life. We, on the other hand, are aware of how little time we have, and so we must make the most of every minute. Then, because we know from our own situation that the thought of dying with cancer can cause great anxiety, we have great sympathy for those in the same situation. When we encounter somebody with cancer, we want them to be free from that misery with all our heart. From that compassion comes the wish to benefit them in whatever way we can, and so we dedicate our life to alleviating the suffering of those with cancer.
I have seen this many times with people who have a particular disease such as cancer or AIDS. Somebody who doesn’t have the same disease might feel sorry for the sick person but will not have the same degree of compassion and empathy. Many, of course, turn away, rejecting the person through fear of the disease. There is a psychological difference between somebody who shares the problem and somebody who doesn’t.
Clinging to an unrealizable goal brings so many problems, so the solution is to stop the clinging. In such situations where there is nothing we can do, it is good to practice rejoicing. Say our partner has left us for another person. Rather than be driven mad with jealousy, depression, and misery, we can feel that they did what was best for them and they are making themselves and their new partner happy. Although we cannot remedy the situation, by seeing it in this light we use it to create positive karma that will result in happiness in the future.
Rather than feeling jealous of those who have what we cannot have, we can rejoice in their good fortune. When somebody has success at work or in the Dharma, or they have a wonderful house, luxurious possessions, or plenty of friends, whereas we haven’t, we should simply rejoice for that person and not feel jealous. Jealousy interferes with our future success, so it not only makes us miserable now but also in the future.
We will have to face problems until we have overcome the whole of samsara. We will continue to be harmed by other beings and by circumstances such as aging or illness. As long as our mind is conditioned to identify such experiences as problems, more and more things will be problems to us. The smallest, most insignificant matter will cause great pain in our mind and we will become upset very quickly. On the other hand, if we see undesirable conditions as beneficial, we will be happy. The more we see the benefits of facing problems positively, the happier we will be to experience them.
We should make the strong determination that we will regard whatever we encounter as a cause for happiness rather than as a problem. There is simply no reason to be irritated by something. The situation itself has no power to disturb our mind; it’s how we react to it. Therefore we should reflect extensively about the shortcomings of always expecting things to go our way and the advantages of using unfavorable situations as a means to develop our mind.
Training our mind in this way, we become like somebody who has learned to ride a horse well. No matter how fast the horse gallops or how erratic it is, they always remain safely in the saddle, never in danger of falling off. With a well-trained mind, we never fall into depression or misery; even if our mind is distracted, we are still able to cope. And just as a good rider will enjoy a rough ride, we will learn to see a challenging situation as a great opportunity. Without any effort, the thought of enjoying problems will come, like the thought of enjoying ice cream. Or just as somebody who loves music will feel so happy when hearing a tune, we will be happy whenever we encounter a problem. Whatever happens — criticism, poverty, sickness, even death — we will only think, “This is good.”
Accepting problems rather than rejecting them can make a big difference to our experience, reducing our worry and fear and turning our actions into the Dharma. By showing us how all samsara is only suffering, our problems can help us develop renunciation. And when we recognize their emptiness, we can use them as a means to develop wisdom, something not possible when we are overcome with attachment. In that way, problems become the best possible teaching.
This is the essence of the Mahayana thought training. Whenever we encounter a problem, rather than feeling aversion for it, we can use it to give us a stronger sense of refuge in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha; to eliminate our pride; to purify our negative karma; to practice virtue; and to train our mind in compassion and loving-kindness.52
Everything Becomes Easier with Acquaintance
When we train our mind to bear suffering, it becomes progressively easier. Of this Shantideva said,
There is nothing that will remain difficult after practice,
therefore, if I first practice
with less severe afflictions,
even the greatest torments will become bearable.53
Whether something is easy or difficult depends on how well acquainted we are with it. Say we have been living with bugs — fleas, bedbugs, and so forth — for a long time. This becomes normal for us. Fleas in our clothes, nits in our hair — they don’t bother us at all after a while. On the other hand, if we have never come across bugs before, to encounter bugs for the first time is a great shock. We want the fleas in our house killed or we want to buy a new house!
For somebody without patience, even small irritations are very disturbing; they always find so many discomforts and harms, and their impatience increases. We sometimes see this with old people who find fault everywhere. If they are staying in a care home, they complain about everything: the food is terrible, the place is noisy, the staff never clean, there is no garden — on and on. While for others there are no problems at all, for these people nothing is ever right. This happens when the mind is too concerned with the happiness of the self, when there is strong self-cherishing. Such a person can easily become paranoid.
When we have a mind that is easily irritated, the weather is either too hot or too cold, too rainy or too windy. Wrapped up in our own selfish happiness in that way, the suffering we experience when facing these small harms will grow. The more we are used to only sleeping in a big, soft bed, the more unbearable a small, hard bed will seem. If we could be a little patient and learn to bear it, the harm would stop increasing. In accepting the uncomfortable bed one night, it becomes progressively easier to sleep in it the following nights. In this way, slowly our ability to withstand discomfort increases.
By practicing the patience of voluntarily accepting suffering, when we start with small harms, such as bearing the heat of a summer’s day or being criticized, we will later be able to bear greater harms. Eventually we will be able to accept the fires of the hells voluntarily in order to save even one sentient being or, like Guru Shakyamuni Buddha, give our life willingly to starving tigers.
We worldly people work incredibly hard and have great patience for our mundane concerns. It takes a lot of effort to acquire possessions, prestige, and so forth. From a Dharma point of view, all that hard work seems utterly pointless. On the other hand, to obtain the happiness of future lives, liberation from samsara, and enlightenment, a Dharma practitioner willingly accepts suffering. The more we train our mind, the more patience we develop, until there will be no problems no matter what happens, even if we meet great suffering.
If we can’t control our anger, it doesn’t matter what good advice on patience we receive; we either disagree with it or find it very difficult to follow. Perhaps a teacher explained about the kindness of the enemy. We might have agreed in theory but decided that that only applies to people who harm us in trivial ways, whereas this particular enemy is completely bad, completely wrong, and the teaching doesn’t apply to us. The teacher must have been talking about some other enemy!
Bearing hardships with patience is especially important for somebody practicing the Dharma. We can’t expect to do a retreat, for instance, without facing any problems. If we wait to start the retreat until everything is perfect, until we never have to endure any discomfort, the retreat will never get done. When we are too concerned with comfort, even our daily practice becomes weaker because of all the frustrations in our mind, becoming shorter until we no longer do it.
On the other hand, by slowly developing our patience, the problems that upset us in the past no longer do. Over years of training in patience we will see how our mind changes. Whereas a few years back anger arose so easily, many times a day, now it no longer does, even if we have received terrible harm. We could be scolded, beaten, starved, and our mind would remain patient and happy.
Patience results not only in our own happiness and well-being but also in the happiness and well-being of countless others. The many wars that were fought in the last century and are still being fought are due to greed, hatred, and intolerance, all stemming from ego. With patience, this could never happen. Even on a domestic level, patience is the vital element in bringing harmony and happiness to a couple, a family, and a community. When we practice patience and accept suffering voluntarily, we become an inspiration to others.
3. The Patience of Gaining Certainty about the Dharma
The third type of patience is the patience of gaining certainty about the Dharma. We do this by meditating on and understanding the meaning of the lamrim, understanding and appreciating the extraordinary qualities of the Three Rare Sublime Ones (the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha), being convinced of the crucial importance of attaining enlightenment, and having certainty about the effectiveness of the path that leads there. When we have all these qualities, then we will never lack the patience to persevere with our Dharma practice.
When we conscientiously try to follow the ways of the bodhisattva in order to attain bodhichitta because of our deep wish to benefit all sentient beings, then we will surely do whatever we need to do in order to progress to enlightenment. This will naturally lead to enduring whatever hardships we may encounter and transforming our attitude toward whoever we now consider an enemy. We should constantly remind ourselves of the need for not just a little patience but the perfection of patience, and we should pray that we can reach the very highest attainment of patience quickly. By considering such a practice as a vital aspect of our training, we will definitely be able to overcome all difficulties and attain the perfection of patience.
THE DETERMINATION TO DEVELOP PATIENCE
Whatever way we look at it, we will see there is no justification for anger and every reason to do whatever we can to fully develop our patience. Then compassion rather than anger will arise for whoever tries to harm us. It might seem that we are an impatient person and there is nothing we can do about it. We might see others who have a lot of patience and feel we can never be like that, but we must understand what Shantideva said: everything becomes easier with acquaintance. By training our mind we can definitely develop patience.
At present, the opposite naturally happens. Somebody harms us and we dwell on that harm, allowing our anger to grow, going over their harm again and again. Even if we are lying in bed trying to sleep, we can’t relax at all, dwelling on what we can do to them, dreaming of ways of making them nonexistent. We might even decide to jump up and phone them to tell them what we think of them. In that way, we train our mind in perfecting our anger.
In just the same way, we can train our mind in patience and compassion, thinking over all the reasons that person is so kind, so precious. Just as a negative mind can arise in our mind due to certain imprints and conditions, a positive mind can arise. Because of its impermanent nature, any negative mind can be diminished and eliminated. For exactly the same reason, any positive mind can be developed and perfected. Through training, we can definitely generate patience, loving-kindness, and compassion whenever we sense an angry thought about to arise. In this way we can reduce our habit of becoming angry.
Some people feel that getting angry is often useful, that we need to be furious in order to have the energy to change a bad situation. Say a neighbor is always noisy, playing music very loudly very late. We might think the only way to get them to stop is to confront them and angrily demand they stop. I think there is always another way to change a bad situation without getting angry. We can do something, but do it with patience, loving-kindness, and compassion.
The Kadampa geshe Ben Gungyal was a great Tibetan meditator.54 When he was training his mind, every evening before going to bed he had a pile of white stones and a pile of black stones. He checked how many virtuous and how many nonvirtuous actions he had done that day, placing one white stone in one pile for every virtuous action and one black stone in the other pile for every nonvirtuous action. At the beginning there were very few white stones and many black ones, but as he persevered with his meditations, the pile of white ones grew and the pile of black ones diminished. Finally, there were more white than black.
We may do our best not to get angry, but we still do, and then we get angry at ourselves for getting angry! I think this is where regret is very useful. Rather than feeling hopeless, thinking we can never change, we can see that we tried and failed this time and regret having become angry. We can then make the firm resolve to try again — and again and again — until we start to control our anger. The stronger our regret, the more determination we will have to change.
Patience is a quality that we can learn. We spend a lot of time and energy learning about another country’s customs and language. If we can put so much effort into something like that, why shouldn’t we learn patience? This is the most important thing we can learn, so we should put great effort into it.
Practicing patience is not just for the person seeking enlightenment for the sake of all sentient beings; it is not just for the person seeking liberation from samsara or the happiness of future lives. Anybody — religious or nonreligious — who wants harmony in their relationships, who wants happiness and friendship, who wants love and contentment, needs patience.