We were sitting on the floor in front of the nursing station having a smoke. We liked sitting there. We could keep an eye on the nurses that way.
“On five-minute checks it’s impossible,” said Georgina.
“I did it,” said Lisa Cody.
“Nah,” said the real Lisa. “You didn’t.” She had just started her campaign against Lisa Cody.
“On fifteen, I did it,” Lisa Cody amended.
“Maybe on fifteen,” said Lisa.
“Oh, fifteen’s easy,” said Georgina.
“Wade’s young,” said Lisa. “Fifteen would work.”
I hadn’t tried yet. Although my boyfriend had calmed down about my being in the hospital and come to visit me, the person on checks caught me giving him a blow job, and we’d been put on supervised visits. He wasn’t visiting anymore.
“They caught me,” I said. Everybody knew they’d caught me, but I kept mentioning it because it bothered me.
“Big deal,” said Lisa. “Fuck them.” She laughed. “Fuck them and fuck them.”
“I don’t think he could do it in fifteen minutes,” I said.
“No distractions. Right down to business,” said Georgina.
“Who’re you fucking anyhow?” Lisa asked Lisa Cody. Lisa Cody didn’t answer. “You’re not fucking anybody,” said Lisa.
“Fuck you,” said Daisy, who was passing by.
“Hey, Daisy,” said Lisa, “you ever fuck on five-minute checks?”
“I don’t want to fuck these assholes in here,” said Daisy.
“Excuses,” Lisa whispered.
“You’re not fucking anybody either,” said Lisa Cody.
Lisa grinned. “Georgina’s gonna lend me Wade for an afternoon.”
“All it takes is ten minutes,” said Georgina.
“They never caught you?” I asked her.
“They don’t care. They like Wade.”
“You have to fuck patients,” Lisa explained. “Get rid of that stupid boyfriend and get a patient boyfriend.”
“Yeah, that boyfriend sucks,” said Georgina.
“I think he’s cute,” Lisa Cody said.
“He’s trouble,” said Lisa.
I started to sniffle.
Georgina patted me. “He doesn’t even visit,” she pointed out.
“It’s true,” said Lisa. “He’s cute, but he doesn’t visit. And where does he get off with that accent?”
“He’s English. He grew up in Tunisia.” These were very important qualifications for being my boyfriend, I felt.
“Send him back there,” Lisa advised.
“I’ll take him,” said Lisa Cody.
“He can’t fuck in fifteen minutes,” I warned her. “You’d have to give him a blow job.”
“I like a blow job now and then,” said Lisa.
Georgina shook her head. “Too salty.”
“I don’t mind that,” I said.
“Did you ever get one that had a really bitter taste, puckery, like lemons, only worse?” Lisa asked.
“Some kind of dick infection,” said Georgina.
“Yuuuch,” said Lisa Cody.
“Nah, it’s not an infection,” said Lisa. “It’s just how some of them taste.”
“Oh, who needs them,” I said.
“We’ll find you a new one in the cafeteria,” said Georgina.
“Bring a few extra back,” said Lisa. She was still restricted to the ward.
“I’m sure Wade knows somebody nice,” Georgina went on.
“Let’s forget it,” I said. The truth was, I didn’t want a crazy boyfriend.
Lisa looked at me. “I know what you’re thinking,” she said. “You don’t want some crazy boyfriend, right?”
I was embarrassed and didn’t say anything.
“You’ll get over it,” she told me. “What choice have you got?”
Everybody laughed. Even I had to laugh.
The person on checks put her head out of the nursing station and bobbed it four times, once for each of us.
“Half-hour checks,” said Georgina. “That would be good.”
“A million dollars would be good, too,” said Lisa Cody.
“This place,” said Lisa.
We all sighed.