JEAN

I thought about Susan a lot, and not just Susan; I thought about her daughter Mary too. Sometimes I wondered how I could possibly have a granddaughter that I had never seen. I wondered who she looked like. That Tim Preston had had a baby with another lass a couple of years earlier and when I saw her baby there was no denying it was his. Is that what my granddaughter looked like? I hoped not because I still couldn’t stand the sight of Tim Preston and if I did ever see him I would walk in the opposite direction. He’d stopped me once and asked after Susan. I’d said that she was all the better for having him out of her life.

But she hadn’t just got him out of her life, had she? We’d gone from her life too.

I tried to tell myself that no news was good news and that if anything was wrong we would have heard. Surely she would have had something on her that would have directed the police to us if anything was really wrong. It helped to think that.

Julie got a phone call from her in the September that Mary would have been about five. ‘What did she say? Is she all right?’ Me and her dad couldn’t get the questions out quick enough; it had been so long since she’d called. But Julie couldn’t answer our questions because she’d been at the doctor’s. Susan had left a message saying that they were all right, that Mary had started school and that she liked it.

‘Was that it?’ I don’t think I hid my disappointment.

Apparently Susan had said that she would call again soon and I hoped that she would. Mick told Julie that if Susan rang again to ask her to ring us too. I hoped that she would because it had been such a long time since I’d heard her voice, and even though I could still hear it in my head I wanted to hear it with my ears. I missed her more than I could ever have imagined I would so I couldn’t begin to imagine how Mick felt. To me she was my daughter but he hadn’t seen or spoken to his princess in over five years, and it was starting to show on him.

I knew he wasn’t getting any younger but he looked older than his years and I knew that was down to Susan going away. He missed her so much. And so did I.

I’d been so angry with her at the beginning, for getting pregnant in the first place and then for running away when all I was I trying to do was what I thought was best for her. But she hadn’t seen it that way and over the years I’d started to question if I had been right. Had there been another option? Could she have kept her baby and stayed at home? Could she have been another of the unmarried mothers that were popping up all over the place? I wouldn’t have liked it, of that I was certain, but maybe I could have got used to it. Could she have got used to the comments and the looks? What was the point in asking questions that I would never know the answers to?

I imagined that she was still on her own. I’d told her she’d struggle to find a man to take on another man’s child. I know it did happen now and then, but not often and I hadn’t wanted Susan to risk her happiness on being one of the lucky ones. Luck wasn’t big in our family.

I would sit some nights and wonder what sort of mother I was. I’d tried my best. I’d kept a clean house and my girls were always well turned out but somehow I’d ended up with one daughter who was divorced and another who had run away from home. Not the perfect family that you saw on the television.

***

Celebration times were the worst – you know, Christmas, birthdays that sort of thing. I didn’t even know when my granddaughter’s birthday was. I thought it was some time in October but I didn’t know for sure. The year before I’d bought a card with ‘Granddaughter’ written on it and kept it in the bedside table. I’d written, ‘With love from Gran and Granddad,’ on the inside and I looked at it every day. I know its silly but I was getting sentimental in my old age.

At least the other two seemed all right and I didn’t have to worry too much about them. I was concerned for Julie because she was terrified that she would lose this baby as well but once she got past the point that she lost the first one she calmed down a bit, and the doctors all told her that everything seemed fine this time. Helen was busy with wedding plans of course. She and Richard wanted to be married quickly and at first I thought that she might be pregnant too but it turned out that they were just in love and wanted to be together. We saw a lot more of her now that she wasn’t worried about what Robert’s mother might think and I was glad of that. I liked Richard, he was good to Helen and to James and that was all I could ask. His family were nice too; more our kind of people.

They were going to get married at the register office, which wasn’t my idea of a wedding at all but what could you do when they had both been married and divorced. At least it would be legal. There would be no white dress and fancy reception this time, just the register office and then a meal in a local restaurant. Hopefully this one would last.

So Helen was getting a second chance with marriage and Julie was getting a second chance at being a mum. I hoped and prayed that I would get a second chance with Susan.

Like I said before, celebrations were the worst, and worst of all by far was Mother’s Day. It was just around the corner and Julie had suggested that we go out for dinner. I didn’t want to sound ungrateful but I didn’t fancy it. I wasn’t one for shows like that and to be honest I’d never had a Sunday dinner out that was a patch on mine. I offered to cook for them instead and they agreed it might be for the best. Helen wouldn’t be able to make it for lunch but she said that they would be round later. Richard would be away in Swansea that weekend visiting his grandma and Helen and James were going with him.

At least my nest would be partly full and I would have to make do with that.