It was the beginning of October, only five weeks since Jessie had lost her babies. Maybe it was a good thing to get away, Jessie thought, as she looked out of the aeroplane window. The plane was beginning its descent into Barcelona. Physically she was getting stronger. She could handle things if she stuck to the humdrum of her life. Not having anything to do was what she avoided. That’s why sleep was so hard – in the silence of the night her head had a free rein. And the subsequent tiredness made her exhausted and irritable. She still felt guilty about her reaction to Geoff when he had given her a present of the trip.
Catching sight of her younger sister, Cliona, in the arrivals hall gave her a slight lift. They hugged while Carlos, Cliona’s Spanish husband, carried her bag and led the way through the terminal.
They stayed up late talking about everything and anything except what had happened. When Carlos went to bed, Cliona begged Jessie to try a therapist she had heard about.
“Just try it out. Look, Jess, I don’t know what to say or do. But this lady is supposed to be very helpful. Lots of people have found a sense of peace from visiting her. Oh please, Jess, it’s worth a shot,” she said, taking a sip from her wine glass.
“Okay,” agreed Jessie, just to shut Cliona up. She wished people would leave her alone. When she stood up she realised that the wine had gone to her head. “I’m off to bed. See you in the morning.”
It was the way Cliona looked at her that made Jessie realise just how ungrateful she sounded. “I’m sorry, Cliona,” she said. “I just … well … I’m trying … but I can’t get excited or interested in anything. I feel guilty all the time. I can see Geoff is doing everything to make me happy and Sam tries his best …”
“Well then, do something for yourself. The only person who can help you is you Jess.”
“If only it were that easy. Goodnight, Cliona, and thanks.”
“Night, Jess,” said Cliona as she took the glasses from the table to the kitchen sink.
The next evening Jessie knocked on the blue door of a small villa in a Spanish village about ten kilometres from Barcelona. What the hell was she doing here? Cliona was sitting in her car watching to make sure that she actually went in. Where else could she go? What choice did she have? She was angry with everyone, especially Geoff for sending her here in the first place.
“Hello, you come in …” said an elderly woman. She had a kind face but it still didn’t quell the anxiety. What was she letting herself in for? She felt like choking Cliona. The woman didn’t seem to have good English so she couldn’t imagine them having any great big chat.
“You lie on massage bed.”
“Do I take off my clothes?” asked Jessie awkwardly.
“No, no, no. Up, up,” she said in a slightly exasperated tone.
I’m going to kill Cliona when I get my hands on her, thought Jessie, climbing onto the bed. The woman proceeded to place a pillow under her head and a fleece blanket over her. Candles flickered. Relaxing music played in the background although Jessie didn’t feel even slightly relaxed. The scent of lavender filled the room; she hated the smell. It brought memories of the awful night before the babies were born. Okay, she thought, just close your eyes and it will all be over soon. She could feel her heart beating anxiously in her chest.
“You canna talk if you wanna. It up to you, just relaxa and enjoy this time. I worka with angels to helpa you.”
Jesus, Jessie thought, the woman is mad.
Halfway through the session she actually cried for the first time in weeks. It was a huge release and she hadn’t spoken a word.
“How did you get on?” asked an anxious Cliona when she got back into the car.
“Good,” said Jessie. It was pointless saying any more because she couldn’t explain what had happened. “Would you mind if I go to bed when we get back? The lady told me to drink water and get some sleep.”
“Cool,” said Cliona as she drove away.
Back at Cliona’s house Jessie climbed into bed and slept through the night for the first time in months.
Grace ran to the bathroom and got sick for the second time that morning. She was terrified that Sophia would hear her. She couldn’t face telling anyone about her pregnancy. She still felt so vulnerable about the break-up. What if Dirk heard about it? He might start to make demands. And nor could she deal with telling Jessie, not yet. She stood up from the toilet bowl and saw her face in the mirror. She was pale and her eyes were sunken in their sockets. She began to apply her make-up, a habit she had started since finding out she was pregnant. At least Sophia wouldn’t see how she really looked.
She and Eoghan had a group of twenty German golfers staying at The Meadows, Dirk’s Country House Hotel for a week. Thankfully Kate had offered to handle them because she couldn’t bear the thought of meeting Dirk. She couldn’t continue all the hiding. It was wearing her out but she still felt so foolish. “Just another while, Gracey,” she muttered, putting concealer under her eyes. Sophia had been kind to let her stay. Tomorrow she had an appointment to view a place to rent. Then she planned to tell Dirk.
“Morning Sophia,” Grace called, trying to sound cheerful while coming downstairs.
“Pop the kettle on while you’re passing it, Gracey. I was hoping you might have an hour to spare.”
“When?”
“As a matter of fact, in a half hour. Sorry about the short notice but I’m thrilled about this.”
“About what?”
“Take a look!” She turned her laptop, which was on the kitchen table, towards Grace.
Rose Cottage is a dormer-style thatched cottage furnished to a high standard with all the conveniences of modern living. Its beachfront location allows access directly onto the golden sands of Bayrush Beach – a favourite with bathers, surfers, walkers and horseback riders alike.
The property is fully furnished and the owners are looking to rent on a long-term lease. The gardens are landscaped with pretty rose bushes to the front and herb garden to the side. There are three bedrooms one with en-suite bathroom. But its most attractive feature is an upstairs sitting room which opens out onto a Canadian cedar-wood deck and a fabulous view of the coastline.”
“Oh, wow! It sounds fantastic and if it’s the one I think it is … Oh wow.”
“I admire it every time I walk past it. Will you come with me?”
“You don’t have to ask twice.”
“Any other news?” asked Sophia.
“No, nothing strange.” Grace averted her gaze. Sophia had a disconcerting way of asking a question as if she already knew the answer. She hoped she hadn’t heard her being sick earlier. To change the subject Grace said, “Did you enjoy the Bridge Club with Eoghan and Nora last night?”
“I had such a good time with them. Nora is really good and so patient at explaining the rules.” She finished her tea. “I must get ready. Come on, shake a leg,” she laughed, running upstairs.
Half an hour later, Sophia drove through the gates of Rose Cottage along a pebbled driveway through a pleasantly landscaped garden. Grace noted the large oak tree with a swing hanging from it and a wooden tree house with a climbing frame. The owners must have small children, she thought. It was absolutely fab. She loved it even before putting her foot inside the door.
Pretty white climbing roses grew around the front porch. Sharon, the leasing agent, shook hands with Sophia and led them in through the red half-door.
Inside the house was even more beautiful. It was open plan with exposed beams. The solid-oak kitchen was painted white with a granite counter separating it from the large living area, which was spacious enough to fit two cream couches. The white marble fireplace was a beautiful feature. Near the large picture window there was an antique dining table and six chairs which looked out towards the front garden. At the opposite end of the room French doors opened out to a patio and back garden. Beyond the garden a red cast-iron gate led to the golden sands of Bayrush beach.
Just as the description had said, the house had “all the modern conveniences of living”, digital TV and WiFi. There was a bathroom and one bedroom downstairs and two more and another large bathroom upstairs. Its main feature was an old claw bath with a huge old showerhead. The bath was draped by a soft cream shower-curtain.
“It’s fabulous,” said Grace. She could only dream of ever owning a place like this.
“Grace, come and look at this!” said Sophia, standing in the master bedroom, which also had exposed beams and French doors opening onto a deck. “What a view!”
Grace could see the great expanse of beach and across the bay towards Everest Rock.
“Fab, I can’t wait to see the upstairs sitting room. Come on.”
Sophia laughed, following her along the landing. “You’re like a child in a candy store.”
“Don’t you just love the hardwood floor? Oh my God, this is fabulous. I didn’t think it would be so spacious, and the view again. I love this beach so much.” She opened the French doors and stepped onto the cedar wood deck. “Look Sophia, it runs the length of the back of the house. You can have the sun all day.”
“Grace, we’re in Ireland!”
“Ah sure I know but we can always dream.”
Sophia laughed.
Grace rubbed her tummy in that protective way that new mothers did, confirming Sophia’s suspicions even further. She had heard her being sick again this morning and many other mornings. She admired Grace’s strength of character for trying to deal with her situation alone. She just wished she could help her.
“Hey Sophia, there’s steps leading down into the garden.” Grace disappeared from sight. Sophia smiled. Hearing footsteps behind her she turned around. It was Sharon, the agent.
“So, Sharon, can you draw up the necessary contracts? The owners have a deal. When can I move in?”
“It’s available immediately.”
“Great, thanks for your help.”
“You’re very welcome, Mrs Wynthrope.”
“We’re going to take a walk along the beach. We’ll close the gates after us.”
“That’s no problem. I’ll contact you later today regarding keys.”
Sophia walked out to join Grace who was standing at the end of the garden looking towards the beach. The tide was out. It went out a long way. Sophia could see dots of people far in the distance walking along the water’s edge. “We can move in tomorrow.”
“We … don’t you mean you’re moving in?” Grace turned around, stunned. “But I’m viewing a place later today.”
“I hoped that you might consider staying here too. As you know this is only available on a long-term lease and as I’ll be travelling back and forth to New York, it would be a shame to leave this place empty. I don’t mean to impose but … well … I hoped you could caretake it for me. It does make sense. Doesn’t it?” She had thought about this for a while. She didn’t want to offend Grace.
“Oh Sophia, it’s so beautiful here. I really can’t accept that offer, but how about if I rent a room?”
Sophia smiled and put out her hand. “It’s a deal.”
Grace hugged her. “Congratulations to us.”
“By the way, how did Jessie get on in Barcelona?” asked Sophia.
“She actually just sent a text inviting us over for a coffee now. We can tell her our great news!”
“Sounds good.”
“It’s good to see you both again,” said Sophia. “I must say I enjoyed the trek the last time I was here, Geoff.”
“Well, you’re a fine horse woman Sophia,” smiled Geoff, taking a sip from his mug. “Unlike so many of the cruise passengers who ride cowboy style.”
“I’d love to go on one of those ranch holidays,” declared Grace, stirring a half a sugar into her tea. Jessie burst out laughing. “What’s so funny?”
“Sophia, don’t you find that funny?” asked Jessie. Sophia laughed and nodded her head in agreement.
“You’re too fond of your comforts, Gracey,” laughed Geoff. “Can you image her sleeping under the stars and eating cold beans out of a tin?” They all laughed.
“Well I’m glad I’m such a source of amusement to you all and I consider ye lot friends!” she retorted, happy to see Jessie smiling again.
Since Barcelona something small had happened. It was just good to see her and Geoff both relaxed even if it was for Sophia’s benefit.
“We have some news. Sophia has just taken a long-term lease on Rose Cottage.”
Sophia was beaming.
“Do you mean that gorgeous thatched cottage right down on the beach?” said Jessie.
“The very one, I’ve been admiring it since I came here. I can’t believe it came up for rent.”
“So you’re going to stick around a bit longer,” said Geoff. Sophia nodded, smiling.
“That’s fantastic news,” said Jessie as Geoff got up and went to the wine rack in the kitchen. “It ain’t champagne but Cava will do, I’m sure, coz it calls for a celebration. We have a new neighbour.”
“Two kilometres away, Geoff,” laughed Jessie.
“But only one on horseback.”
Grace watched Sophia; she was thrilled by their reaction. The back door opened.
“What’s going on here?” asked Kate. “What are we celebrating and why wasn’t I called in? We’re out there slaving away, aren’t we Mon, and look at this lot.” Monique appeared from behind her.
“Ah shut up complaining and grab a glass will ya! Sophia’s staying on longer. She’s renting Rose Cottage,” declared Geoff.
“Way to go Soph,” said Kate, clicking her glass to Sophia’s.
Monique, being so much more demure, said, “This is very good news.”
Grace smiled, thinking that this was the best day they had all had in a long while apart from the fact that it had begun with being sick. She’d tell Sophia about her pregnancy tonight.
Sophia was curled up on the couch reading as usual when Grace brought her in a mug of tea. It was nine o’clock. She smiled when Sophia felt around in search of the TV control.
“It’s on the floor.”
“Thanks,” said Sophia, picking it up and aiming it at the TV to hear the evening news.
“We really are like an old married couple,” remarked Grace, sitting into an armchair.
“Isn’t it great that we’ve our packing done? Just a couple of suitcases and we’re off in the morning.” Sophia smiled at her and all of Grace’s pent-up anxiety at her decision to tell Sophia burst from her.
“I’m pregnant,” Grace blurted and then the tears came. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I feel so foolish. Dirk is seeing someone else already and I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life and now I’m sorry you’re missing the news.”
“Oh my darling, I’m so glad you’ve decided to tell me,” said Sophia, sitting up, her expression full of concern. “You’ve been so sick, I’ve been worried but I didn’t like to interfere. It will be okay, I promise. You’re strong Grace. You have a wonderful family and great friends and you have me. Things have a way of working out.”
“Oh Sophia, I can hear my mother already. ‘I reared you to thirty-six and you go and get yourself pregnant.’” She was mimicking her mother’s accent.
“It’s hard not to laugh,” said Sophia, smiling. “Because that is probably what she will say, but she’ll support you all the way. She might have already guessed.”
“But I’m not showing. Oh God, Grace, what if Dirk finds out? And how am I going to tell Jessie? The last thing I want is a baby. I feel guilty for saying that when Jessie so wanted hers.”
“Grace, there are options. Maybe you need to talk to someone.”
“Oh God no Sophia. I don’t want an abortion.”
“There are other solutions.”
“You know just by saying it out loud I realise that no matter what … I will keep this baby. Sometimes I wake in the dead of the night and think why … why did it happen to me? The truth is that I knew Dirk wasn’t ‘the one’ from the moment I saw Jack Leslie again. It was actually the same day I met you for the first time. I saw Jack through the glass partition wall, he was walking through arrivals and I was departing Dublin Airport. It seems to me that is the way with us. Timing is never right.” She let out a huge sigh and Sophia remained silent. “He was married. I was engaged. He’s … I don’t quite know what now. And now I’m pregnant.”
“It’s good to talk, Grace. You are voicing how you feel which makes it easier to find solutions. In just a few words you are clearer about what you want already.”
“I am?”
“Yes, you said you want your baby and Dirk is not the person for you.”
“You’ve been reading too many psychology books.” Grace nodded in the direction of the book on the floor beside Sophia’s stockinged feet.
Sophia smiled and said. “Nobody knows what the future holds. All we have is now. This moment, we can’t fix the past, we just deal with the hand we have.”
“Oh Sophia, I fall to pieces every time I think of Jack. He was so good to me the summer my dad left. He was four years older and didn’t think of me as girlfriend material but it didn’t stop me from dreaming. Did you ever love someone so much it hurt?”
Sophia nodded.
“Of course you did, that was stupid of me.”
“It doesn’t happen to everyone, Grace. It is something to be glad about. At least you know how it feels.”
“But I don’t want to feel like this.”
“I wish I had all the answers. I can just tell you to cross each bridge as it comes.”
“Thanks, Sophia, for listening to me and for inviting me to stay with you in Rose Cottage. You’ll never know how much it means to me.”
“How about an episode of CSI?”
Grace smiled through her bloodshot eyes. “Perfect, blood and gore is all we need.”
“You set it up while I make a fresh brew.”
“God Sophia, that was your worst attempt yet at our accent.”
“I drive Richard crazy with it too.” She laughed as she went to the kitchenette. “I can’t wait to move in tomorrow.”
Sitting in the passenger seat Jessie remained quiet as Geoff drove up the pebbled drive of Rose Cottage. The girls had decided to have a house-warming party. It was the last thing Jessie wanted to do but Grace had pleaded with her. Sophia had even been kind enough to include Sam’s friend Oliver to keep him company and had invited his parents too. Sophia had met Sally at the yard and they had taken to going on regular treks together.
If it had been any other party she would have declined. It was enough to meet people at the yard. What if somebody said something to her? What if she cried? Her stomach was in knots. Maybe she could say she was feeling sick and leave the boys to enjoy the day. This was her first social event since she’d buried her babies. The feelings when she climbed exhausted into bed at night hadn’t gone away. She was back to not sleeping properly. She was irritable and short-fused privately and spent the rest of the time pretending to be in good form for the people coming to the stables. Looking over at Geoff, she felt guilty; he needed to unwind too, she thought. So she’d make the effort for his sake.
It turned out to be a bigger affair than Jessie had anticipated. She was beginning to relax and chat with a few people she knew and was about to go to the buffet when Kate stopped her.
“Jim, did you meet Jessie?” asked Kate, leading a man with a beard in his mid-forties towards her. “Jim’s a great friend of mine. He’s a priest and a counsellor.” Seeing the surprised look on Jessie’s face, she said, “I know you’d never think it. We met years ago, you know that time when I had to have a chat with myself.” Kate laughed; she had no hang-ups about what she had been through. “This guy is great. He really helped me …”
They looked at one another and then at Kate who conveniently found someone else to talk to. “Nice to meet you, Jim … I don’t mean to be rude but you know … eh. I’m not exactly into counselling!” Jessie planned on choking Kate when she got her alone.
“I know what you mean, neither was I,” he replied, smiling warmly. “Sorry about that, I suppose Kate though she was doing the right thing.” He chatted on about the music playing in the background. She began to relax. He wasn’t going to psychoanalyse her after all. He was a really nice guy. “If you ever change your mind Kate has my mobile number.”
“Thanks,” she said graciously, but thinking, no bloody way. She wandered into the living room and found a place to sit. She noticed Eoghan chatting with Sophia. He looked happy; she had known him five years now and had never seen him so animated. He was helping with the food and generally pottering about picking up glasses.
There was a time when Jessie would have been in the thick of it, not looking for a place to blend into the background. She just didn’t have the energy or the heart for it all. Everything was a drag.
“Penny for them,” said Sophia, joining her on the cream sofa.
“Oh, they’re not worth even that much, Sophia.”
“Thanks for coming.”
“I didn’t want to let Grace down because she’s the best in the world. And she’s going through so much. You’re so good to her, Sophia.”
“Jessie, life hasn’t been easy for the last number of years, but I’m pushing through it. Spending time here with Grace has helped me, but I have to go back and well … face things.”
“Sometimes I wish I could run away but the emptiness I have inside would still be here,” said Jessie, holding her solar plexus. “Just look at those two.” She inclined her head towards Geoff and Sam. Geoff was chatting to Eoghan and ruffling Sam’s head at the same time. “I don’t know what I would do without them. I’d have no reason to get out of bed in the morning.”
“Jessie, I completely understand. So let’s top up that glass of yours and be glad.”
“Fair enough, Sophia. Cheers,” she said as Sophia poured white wine into her glass. Jessie watched her walk towards the boys and wondered what darknesses Sophia held in her heart.
A few days later, Grace came downstairs from the living room cum office she had set up upstairs at Rose Cottage.
“Sophia, I have a small cruise ship coming in today. It’s a theme ship,” said Grace, taking the kettle and filling it with water from the kitchen sink.
“What does that mean?” Sophia asked, looking over her half-rim reading glasses from where she was sitting reading the papers at the kitchen counter.
“The passengers are interested in a certain subject. And theirs is history and heritage of ancient Ireland.”
“So what do you have planned?” Sophia was intrigued. She folded the newspaper, giving Grace her full attention.
“I’ve organised a feast in a marquee on the river front where the passengers can watch a re-enactment between the Celts and the Vikings. I even managed to get the Vikings to come up the river in a long boat.”
“Good gracious, it sounds fantastic.”
“I had thought of getting the passengers to dress in costumes but that might be a step too far,” she laughed. “So are you coming with me or what?”
“I’m not missing this for the world. There’s no doubt but you come up with some mad ideas.” She took the stairs two at a time. It was going to be a sight – either a great success or an unmitigated disaster.
Having organised four coaches to transport two hundred people to the other side of the quay, Grace stood with Sophia, Eoghan and Kate welcoming the cruise passengers as they disembarked. Although she looked and acted relaxed Grace hadn’t felt so nervous in a long time.
She had approached the Viking re-enactment group after attending their evening and together they had come up with an idea to act out a piece of drama – a fight between a Viking warrior and a Celt over a girl. She had also hired a local well-known chef to re-create a menu of the times. The marquee was big enough to seat everyone with space to house stalls to display craftwork from both cultures and how the clothes and weaponry were made, along with space at the centre of the marquee to act out the drama. Wanting audience participation she had arranged for Viking helmets on half the tables and Celtic crosses on the other half.
“They’d better be good actors,” Eoghan whispered, “I must have been drinking when you got me to agree.”
“No time for backing out now, mister. We’re in this together remember. For better or worse,” Grace said, out of the side of her mouth, and then she gave a beaming smile to a couple as they boarded the coach. “Welcome to Bayrush,” she said.
Thankfully it was a bright, sunny day and within thirty minutes the passengers sat sipping a choice of wine, Guinness, Baileys or a soft drink on the plaza watching the Viking Longboat sail up the river.
Grace could see a Viking warrior standing at the bow of the boat and couldn’t help thinking of Jack. He had looked so … stop, she thought. The warrior took off his helmet and greeted the crowd and the disappointment she felt inside that it wasn’t Jack shocked her. God, she thought, get a grip.
After the meal, the drama began and the girl the two men were fighting over was Pam, the blonde whom Jack had introduced her to that night. Grace watched, enthralled. She glanced around the marquee and was delighted by the reaction from the audience. After the show the passengers wandered around the stands where they watched women making flour using a grinding wheel. Many of the male tourists were fascinated by the weaponry and were listening intently as one of the Vikings explained how they had made the various weapons.
“So has it been a success?” said a familiar voice from behind her. Her breath caught as she turned around.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, trying to regain her composure. He inclined his head towards Pam.
“Just being supportive!”
Grace felt a pang of jealousy, the same feeling she had had the last time when Pam had joined them at the bar.
“She was such a nervous wreck earlier. I thought it would be nice to stop by as I was passing.”
“Do you treat many horses in the town then?” She sounded sharp. He looked amused and his smirk bugged her even more. She really did not like this feeling at all.
“Well, if you want the truth I knew you’d be here,” he said without a hint of guile. Completely thrown by his comment she was glad of Sophia’s interruption.
“Hi Jack, it’s so nice to see you again. I was sure you’d dress for the occasion,” said Sophia, clearly delighted to meet him.
“Ah Sophia, that was a once in a lifetime for me. As I told Grace I was just helping out that evening, Pam’s boyfriend couldn’t make it that night and they needed a doorman.”
“So you were the doorman …” laughed Sophia.
How could he chat and be so relaxed when he had just said those words? So he wasn’t dating Pam. What did he mean? But it didn’t change anything.
“Yeah and thank God he was able to be here today or I could have been roped in again. The thought of getting into that costume and acting, could you imagine me!”
“I thought you made a great Viking, although your surname suggests Norman ancestry.”
“God Sophia, I never knew you were so informed about Irish history and names,” remarked Grace, trying to steady her nerves.
“You’re right, my ancestors are Norman.”
“I’m just a mine of information. Ask me anything about the history of County Waterford. Go on.” Sophia was clearly delighted with herself. Jack laughed.
“You’re hanging out too much with tour guides and Eoghan,” said Grace, smiling, as Sophia laughed and wandered off back in the direction of the stalls.
“Does she live here?” asked Jack.
“She came for a fortnight in August and ended up renting a cottage in Bayrush. She loves it here.”
“God and to think how much I couldn’t wait to leave!”
“Are you settling back?” she asked, wanting desperately to continue chatting with him but knowing that her attention was needed.
“Yes and no. Look Grace, I really need to talk to you. I think you already know what I’m going to say. There is something, something well, you make me feel. I know you’re engaged … I know this isn’t the time or the place but can we meet?” She could feel the tears welling behind her eyes. He felt it too. Oh my God …
“Grace, Eoghan needs you.” It was one of the tour guides. “He’s over at the coach.”
“Sorry about this … I have to take care of this.” She ran before he had a chance to say another word. How could she tell him she felt the same when she was carrying another man’s child?
“Grace,” he called after her. When she looked back and saw his face she knew he would always be the only man in the world for her. Life was so unfair.
Jessie sat in Dr Brennan’s modern waiting room. She remembered when she had come here as a child with her mum. He had made big changes since. She wished she had an infection or something straightforward to tell him. What was she going to say? Her head was full to the point of bursting. When she opened the door he looked up from behind his large desk and said, “I wondered how long it would take for you to come to see me.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t understand. Why did you say that?”
“Well, considering all you have been through …”
“I’m just finding it hard to sleep. I’m trying to work and get on with things. But I feel hormonal and tired all the time. I wouldn’t put it down to any one particular thing.”
“I see. Maybe you need to talk to somebody. It sounds to me like a touch of post-natal depression without the babies.”
“Post-natal depression?”
“It can happen you know. Physically your body is trying to adjust and of course … the loss you have suffered is huge.”
Jessie sat looking at him, not quite taking in what he was saying. Dr Brennan proceeded to prescribe sleeping tablets and antidepressants and he wrote a couple of names on a piece of paper and handed it to her. “Give one of them a call.”
Still slightly shell-shocked she took it from him. Had he actually said post-natal depression? She wasn’t the type of person to suffer from depression. Depression – it was an unspoken word.
She walked out of the surgery holding the pieces of paper in her hand. She sat in the car and looked at the three names and numbers he had given her and then she rang Geoff.
“You are not going to believe what he said, Geoff. He said I have post-natal depression. The cheek of him. Well, I never heard the like. I’m sitting here with a prescription in my hand for … wait for it … antidepressants and sleeping tablets.”
She paused to draw a breath when she heard Geoff say, “Well pet, he’s the doctor. Maybe he’s right.”
“What? How can he be right? I was only in there for five bloody minutes. And he wants me to see a counsellor. When I looked at the names I realised I know all of those people. I’m not going to tell my deepest feelings to any of them.”
“Calm down, Jessie. Just come home and we can have a chat.”
She hung up and drove to the beach. The rain was beating down and the wind was howling. It was a terrible day. The car park was empty. Who in their right mind would want to go walking on the beach today? But she did. She got out of the car. She had no coat on and it didn’t concern her. She ran against the wind, letting the rain beat into her face and body. After a few minutes, she let out a howl that was carried swiftly away as if it hadn’t happened. Then another one.
“Why?” she screamed but it couldn’t be heard. “What did I do? Why us? No don’t give me any of your stupid fucking platitudes delivered by people who should know better. Come down here. Come down here,” she roared at the sky as the tears of anger and rage streamed down her face. She wanted a fight and it felt like God was giving her one. It seemed like the wind was his representative pushing fiercely against her and the rain was its cohort. After a while she ran out of steam. What was the point? She couldn’t win. He had her babies and if she kept going on at him he’d have St. Peter tipped off to block her entry at the pearly gates. She’d never see them again. The moment that thought hit her consciousness she dropped to her knees. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she muttered, wondering who exactly she was trying to fool, him or her. It was safer to be silent.