The July sunshine almost blinded Jessie as she drove along the picturesque road from Waterford to Clonmel. She was filled with apprehension but was looking forward to attending the July summer school she had read about before Christmas. She had no idea what to expect.
“Mom, do I have to go? I won’t know anybody else,” said Sam from the backseat.
“It’ll be fun and you’ll make friends easily. It’s good to try new things.” She didn’t know whether she was talking to him or herself. Since the babies, she had attended so many talks from baby bereavement groups, angel meetings, even a gardening group. She was searching for something, anything to fill her mind. She was uneasy in the world but mostly she was glad she had Sam and Geoff because if she didn’t she wondered if would she bother getting out of bed.
Why was it so hard? The complementary therapy sessions with Aisling helped to keep the darkness away. But she still couldn’t verbalise how she felt. Who wants to hear? She couldn’t imagine how a parent felt who had lost a child that had lived and that they had known and loved. Stop Jessie, she said firmly, afraid that she would change her mind entirely and drive back home.
“Here we are,” she said, in a cheerful voice for Sam’s benefit.
He let out a big sigh. “I can stay with Dad tomorrow. I can help around the yard,” he said earnestly.
“Honey, you’re going to have great fun. It’s an adventure.”
“But I can have adventures at home.”
She threw her eyes to heaven, thinking he’s definitely my son. She must be crazy to come here. The sun was shining and they were going into a school for the day. “How about we give it a try for today and if we don’t like it we won’t come back tomorrow?”
He nodded reluctantly and climbed out of the jeep. She took his hand and walked up the avenue towards the entrance.
*
Kate sat on the storm wall on Bayrush Beach. She was unsettled. She had recently read an article in a magazine about goal setting. And it occurred to her that she had never taken control of her life except when she managed to get clean from drugs. Since then she had spent most of her time patting herself on the back and not thinking about what she should be doing with her life. It occurred to her that Grace and Jessie had spent so much of their time and energy helping her and over the past few months she had been able to give back to them when they had needed her.
She was working full-time for Ireland for Real and still helped out at weekends at Jessie’s place. But it wasn’t her dream. She picked up her sketchpad and it opened on the page she had sketched the day after she and Richard had gone to the mountains. She had watched as he walked around the peak taking photographs in all directions. She had been surprised that he was such a keen photographer. It was just a pencil sketch of his face. She ran her finger along his jawline. God, she missed him. How could she miss a man she hardly knew? She flicked the page over and began to draw. When she drew time disappeared.
The sun streamed in the bedroom window. The tide was in and Grace could see people already out kayaking. The surfers would be disappointed; it was way too calm. She was lying in bed and had taken to leaving the curtains open so that she could enjoy the glorious view in the mornings. But these days she was more often woken by a little cry from the cot beside the bed. It was hard to believe her little man was three months old and doing well after such a nerve-wrecking start.
Initially feeding had been a very anxious time but Finn had settled now. She had plenty of help and support from her mother and Kate. And Jessie had been her lifeline to bounce things off and to blow off to when it all got too much.
Grace had been over protective, always correcting Dirk, and so he had finally lost his cool with her and told her to lighten up and give him a chance. She had and had even let him take Finn for a few hours between feeds to see his mother and his family. Grace stretched as she got out of bed. All in all, life was good.
She managed to work at home in between feeds and nappy changing. On the days the cruise ships were in her mother took care of Finn, showing him off to all her friends and neighbours.
The sale of the house had fallen through so she had missed out on putting an offer on a tiny rundown cottage she’d seen. Thankfully Sophia had insisted she stay on at Rose Cottage until they agreed a sale. She was so grateful to her. She wasn’t near achieving her goal of doubling the business. But they had been able to offer Kate a full-time job because an opportunity to coordinate the cruise ships at other Irish ports had come through.
She was happy with her life to a point. Late at night while Finn slept, she wondered if she would she ever find love again or if she was destined to be alone. She was writing again. It was her escape because sometimes it was hard not to wallow in self-pity.
Finn began to stir.
“Hello, little one. Look at you!” she gushed at the little face looking up at her. She picked him up and said, “I wonder does everybody think their baby is the best thing since sliced bread.” She laughed as she walked over to the window. “Let’s go for walk on the beach. Maybe Sophia will come too.”
“Are you free today, because if so, it’s a perfect day for sailing!”
“But you don’t have a sail boat,” laughed Sophia. She was sitting in the rocking chair in Rose Cottage.
“But I know a man who does,” Eoghan chuckled on the other end of the phone. “I’m at the marina in Bayrush so get here as soon as you can. It’ll be a great day.”
“Okay, I’m on my way.”
Grace came downstairs. “I heard you laughing.”
“I’m actually going sailing. Eoghan knows a man who owns a sail boat.”
“Cool.”
“Let me hold him. Come here little man,” said Sophia. Taking Finn in her arms she cooed at him. “Who’s the best little fellow?”
She loved having both of them living with her. And she secretly dreaded the day they’d move out. Sophia knew that Grace was anxious to get on with her life and that she had been disappointed when the sale of the house fell through. Sophia planned to go back and forth to the States for the foreseeable future and it was perfect to know that Rose Cottage was being lived in.
“Sophia, don’t you have to get to Bayrush?”
“I know, I lose time just looking at his beautiful face.”
Grace smiled, taking him back. “Go or Eoghan’ll leave without you. What do you fancy for dinner tonight?”
“I’m easy, whatever is going.”
“Good morning,” said a pretty young girl from behind a desk in the entrance hall.
“My name is Jessie McGrath and this is my son Sam.”
The girl looked down her list of names. “Perfect, there you are. I’m Sandy.” She ticked the names and said, “Come on, let’s show you where to go. You’ll have great fun,” she said to Sam. “You’ll be doing art, drama, and playing games outside. I’m glad you have a cap because it’s a glorious day. We plan to have a picnic too.”
“That’s sounds like fun,” said Jessie. Sam perked up when he heard they were going outside. “Sam’s an outdoor guy, aren’t you honey?”
He smiled and nodded. Great, thought Jessie, at least one of us is happy. “I’ll pick you up at break time and you can tell me all about it.”
“Okay Mom, see you later.”
Sandy gave her directions to the room designated for art therapy. There was a large circle of chairs in the middle of the room. Jessie was greeted by an elderly lady with a beautiful smile.
“You’re very welcome today. I’m Miriam and I’m just waiting on everybody to arrive.”
She sat in one of the free chairs and looked around. She caught an eye here and there; people smiled and she smiled back. She wondered if they all felt as self-conscious as she did. Grace had been right. She couldn’t draw a straight line with a ruler. Oh God, what have I let myself in for?
Sophia parked her car on the dockside and joined Eoghan at the gate leading to the gangplank. She didn’t mention that she hadn’t been on a sailboat since before Bill died. If she had time to really think about it she probably would have declined.
“Are we going alone?” she asked.
He was already aboard and was about to help her on. “Well, em, yes, if that’s okay with you.” She nodded, taking his proffered hand as she climbed on board the small sailboat. “It’s small but it should be fun if we can get some speed up.”
“Eoghan, I’m not twenty, you know.”
“Ah sure you’re never too old for an adrenaline rush. You said you can sail, so let’s do it.”
“Oh my God, what have I let myself in for?”
He laughed and untied the little boat from the dock – they were off. She noticed it had a motor board and was thankful. She didn’t fancy depending on weather she knew little about. She trusted Eoghan and had gone out in his fishing boat once before; he was after all a member of the sea rescue team.
They tacked out to sea and within minutes she was back to her old form. The wind whipped her face and she felt alive and free again. It was strange how Ireland brought out feelings of youthfulness in her. The world was filled with possibilities again. She looked across and caught Eoghan looking at her in a way that made her feel young and attractive but he looked away again quickly. Had she imagined it? The girls joked so much about the two of them that she was beginning to believe it. She laughed at her stupidity.
“What are you laughing at?” he shouted, above the noise of the wind and the sea.
“It’s exhilarating … I’d forgotten how much I missed it.” They did some gibing and turning and managed to get a rhythm going.
“I’m impressed,” he said twenty minutes later when they took a break and let the sail at half-mast.
“It’s like riding a bicycle. You never forget except how good it feels.” She looked across at him and wondered about his past. The girls didn’t know anything more than that he was originally from Dublin and he had retired to Bayrush six years ago. He didn’t wear a wedding ring and he never mentioned anything about family besides a brother who visited now and then. Eoghan opened a rucksack he had stored in the hold and began to pour coffee from a flask. Handing it to her his fingers brushed against hers. She jerked and she spilt some coffee. It was like an electric shock back to reality – what was she playing at?
“Thanks, Eoghan, I’m sorry to be so badly co-ordinated.”
“You certainly showed no signs of that earlier. I’m mightily impressed.”
“I’ve enjoyed it. Thanks for arranging it but I’d like to get back.” She didn’t feel comfortable anymore. She couldn’t think straight. She had noticed he was quite handsome that first day she had met him at the harbour, but now that she had got to know him it was much more … God, she needed to get back to dry land fast.
“Sure thing,” he said, reaching to take the cup back but instead she placed it in the rucksack – minimum touching.
He gave her an odd look but she pretended not to notice. I’m fifty-nine years old and behaving like a teenager, she thought. The sooner I get back to New York the better.
Jessie tucked Sam in. He was wrecked after the day.
“I can’t wait for tomorrow. Sandy said we’re making puppets and we’re going to do a show for the parents at the end of the week.”
“How cool is that?” said Jessie. She was wrecked too. “Now go to sleep, sweet dreams.” She leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. “Night night, I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom.” And then he turned over on to his side. He’d be asleep in no time, she thought, as she went to the computer in one of the bedrooms they had set aside as an office. The art therapist had suggested that writing a journal might be very helpful. It was a four-day course and so much had happened already. She decided to take her advice. But sitting in front of the computer looking at a blank white screen she didn’t know where to begin. She searched for a diary or notebook. Nothing. To hell with it she thought, she’d buy a nice little notebook tomorrow. She stood up and turned off the computer. Stopping at the door, she knew she was just putting off the inevitable. And so she turned the computer back on and began to type.
“The christening ceremony was perfect, Gracey. You’re the best boy ever,” said Kate, holding little Finn in her arms. “And you didn’t even squeal.”
“Give me a little hold,” said Jessie, stretching out her arms.
“No,” said Kate, cuddling him all the more.
“Grace, tell her to give him to me. I’m his godmother.”
“Will you two give it a rest and help? I have a full house here. Kate, go out and rescue Sophia from Dirk’s mother. And you keep my mother away from Dirk,” she said, looking at Jessie while taking Finn from Kate. “Hey, little man, you’re the best.” Grace planted a big kiss on his plump cheek. “And check on the older kids; just make sure there’s an adult on the beach too.”
“God you’re bossy,” laughed Kate, heading out the back door. “I’ll check the kids first.”
“At least Dirk didn’t bring his girlfriend after all,” said Jessie.
“I’d say his mother warned him not to.”
“Listen,” said Jessie, as she cocked her ear towards the garden. “If she mentions The Meadows Golf and Country Club again, I’d say Sophia will want to hit her with one. And I mean an actual golf club,” said Jessie, putting on a posh voice. “God bless Sophia she has the patience of a saint to be still listening to her.”
“Sophia will just let her rabbit on and probably tell us something good about her, making us feel terrible for bad-mouthing her. Sophia is fair-minded to a fault.”
“How anybody could find a good point about that woman, I’ll never know,” laughed Jessie.
“We need more cutlery out there,” said Kate, coming back into the kitchen.
“Here,” said Jessie, picking up a basket full of cutlery wrapped in serviettes as Grace put Finn in his carrycot. “How are all the kids doing on the beach?”
“Gerry and Joe have organised a game of football. My lovely sister Marilyn is looking after the smaller ones.”
“Ouch,” said Grace.
“I can’t be perfect all the time, sis. She really pushes my buttons. Did you hear the carry-on of her at the church?”
“You’re worse to pay any attention to her,” said Grace, adding, “Ah Kate, will you please go out and rescue Sophia? I can see the poor woman wilting.”
“Anything for you, sis,” said Kate, sauntering back outside. Kate had a way about her that even Violet Fleischer seemed to soften to, snob and all that she was. She just wished their older sister Marilyn would lighten up on Kate.
“Jess, it’s going well, isn’t it? … I just wish my life was normal.”
“What’s normal anymore? Look, Kate has Violet smiling already. It’s a great day,” said Jessie, giving her a squeeze. “Stop worrying.”
But Grace could feel the tears coming behind her eyes. It was hard not to be emotional today. She wished her baby could be brought up with a mother and father who loved one another and lived in the same house, but that wasn’t how it was to be.
“Will I top you up?” asked Sophia getting up to retrieve the bottle of red, open on the coffee table.
“Yes please, I’m exhausted. It was a great day but I’m really glad they are all gone. I love this room,” Grace remarked, looking around the upstairs living room. “It’s like a hidden gem.”
Sophia poured the red liquid into her glass. “It was a lovely day. It all went off very well.”
“Dirk’s mother even enjoyed herself. She’s probably glad that I’m not going to marry her beloved Dirk after all. That’s what made her so happy all day,” Grace remarked from her curled up position on the couch.
“She’s a strange old fish, but she’s not the worst,” Sophia commented.
Grace smiled. “We nearly took bets today that you would say something positive about her.”
“Am I becoming that predictable?”
“Yes.”
Sophia laughed. “Well then I have some news for you too and if you’re so clever – start guessing.”
“Ah, would you give me a break. It’s late. Anyway don’t be getting all sulky because I think you’re so fair-minded.”
Sophia laughed again. “I suppose it’s my age, the older I get, the wiser I get.”
“I should think so.”
“Don’t be such a smart ass over there or I’ll change my mind about telling you my news.”
“Ah go on, tell me, have you and Eoghan like …” Grace was sitting up now, waiting.
“No, I have not. You must be kidding.” Sophia guffawed.
“Well then, what is it? Where are you going?” she called after her as Sophia disappeared out the door. Moments later she came back with a large brown envelope in her hand.
“These are for you. Well for Finn to be exact.”
Grace asked, “What’s this about?”
“Just take it,” she said, handing the envelope to Grace who began to open it.
Grace read down through the enclosed papers and after a couple of minutes said, “You can’t do that, Sophia. This is too much. I mean really, I appreciate that you would even think of it. But no, you can’t do that.”
“It’s not for you. It’s for Finn. You can’t honestly deny me this, Grace.”
“But the house … you love this house, Sophia. When did it go up for sale? My God …”
“I put in an offer and they accepted. Grace, the house is bricks and mortar. I love you and that little baby more. It’s for Finn. Now you have to accept it. Please.”
Grace started to cry.
“Oh, come here will you, it wasn’t supposed to make you cry, you silly goose.”
“I’m just … I’m overwhelmed … I don’t know what to say … I can’t believe that you would do this.” She knew it was pointless arguing. Sophia had bought the house for Finn. “Thank you, thank you so much. You know how much I love it here and I know Finn is going to love it too.”
“You are very, very welcome. Let’s open a bottle of champagne to celebrate. And for goodness sake, stop crying.”
Grace hadn’t drunk so much in a very long time. She was blown away by it all. Imagine, her dreams of bringing up Finn beside the sea had come true. She would never leave this house. She loved it so much. And she wouldn’t have to worry about the future so much because no matter what happened they would always have a place to live. How lucky they were! But more importantly it assured her that they would always have Sophia in their lives. So much had changed in just over a year.
Sophia lay in bed. She was thrilled that Grace had accepted her gesture. She had so much money it seemed crazy not to give something to a person who was very important to her. But to do it she had had to think very carefully. Sometimes gestures like that can cause offence and that was last thing she wanted to do.
Sophia worried about Grace. She had known feelings of isolation bringing up Richard alone for the first two years of his life. The emptiness she had felt inside and the utter joy the day she met Bill in Central Park. It had made them stronger.
She supposed Grace had become like the daughter she never had. They were very similar in many ways. She often wondered about Jack. Had he gone back to his marriage? She had really liked him and so had Grace. Life was strange and never easy. She put the book she had intended to read back on the bedside locker and turned out the light.
Jessie was washing down Ollie, a chestnut gelding, when Jack Leslie walked across the cobbled stones towards her.
“You must be preparing for a show.” He smiled that deadly smile of his.
“Well, I’ll be,” she said, standing up straight. “This is a surprise! It’s great to see you.”
Monique heard Jessie’s voice and turned around. “Hi Jack, welcome back,” she called out.
“Hey Monique, he’s looking good,” said Jack, nodding towards the grey horse she was busy grooming.
“Does Geoff know you’re back?” asked Jessie when he reached her.
“No, I decided to come home at the last minute for a week’s holiday. Catch up with the family and get away from all that hot weather.” He laughed.
“Don’t rub it in now. The weather has been so changeable here. At least it’s not raining, I suppose. Listen to me ranting on here. How about a coffee? Geoff should be back shortly. I’ll just finish this lad.”
“No rush, I’ll take a look at Jessie’s Angel.”
“She’s in the well field,” she called after him. OMG he’s back, she thought. I wonder if his wife is here too. She looked towards his jeep. No, maybe she’s gone shopping. Oh don’t be so nosy, Jessie McGrath, she admonished herself.
Later as she made the coffee, she was dying to ask about his marriage, but she didn’t dare. He chatted about this and that and nothing at all. She wished he’d ask about Grace or maybe bring up something so she could follow a line of questioning. She was worse than Miss Marple. He talked about his work. He said he had to travel a lot. Normally she’d be interested in talking about horses forever but not today. “So, that must be difficult!”
“How so?”
“You know, you told me you were going back to your … eh.” Oh shite, she thought.
“Oh yes, Lynda. It didn’t work out. I knew when I got back. It wasn’t meant to be.”
She tried to hide a smile; so there might be a chance for them.
“How are Conor and Marie?”
“Great, Mark their second guy is starting university shortly. It’s an expensive business here, especially putting two of them through at the same time.”
“It is. We’ll probably have to re-mortgage by the time Sam starts.”
“How is he getting on?”
“He’s doing well. Sam loves horses but he’s good at his schoolwork too. Believe it or not I’m starting a course too.”
“Well done, you. What are you going to study?”
“It’s a psychology course. I’m really looking forward to it.”
He started to laugh.
“What are you laughing at?” she asked, smiling at him.
“You, psychology, it will suit you. You have me twigged, so I’m going to finally ask, how is she?”
She laughed and said, “I couldn’t have been more obvious. Grace is great; she has the most beautiful little boy. She called him Finn and I’m his godmother,” Jessie declared proudly. “She’s doing well now. We had a scare at the beginning …”
“I heard all about it from Conor. Garvan told him. I wanted to contact her but you know how it is.” He paused. “Is she, you know, like really happy?”
“She’s not back with Dirk. If that’s what you’re asking?”
“No, not him, the American guy. The fellow she was with at Christmas.”
“What American guy? Do you mean Richard? He’s Sophia’s son.”
“But I thought he was with Grace.”
“Grace?” she asked incredulously. “More like Kate you mean. What made you think he was with Grace?”
“Ah, nothing! I must have got my wires crossed.”
“Look Jack, uncross them. We only get one chance in life, just one shot. If you care about her enough – do something about it. If you’re going back to Dubai, please don’t contact her because she is trying to get her life back on track and she could do without the setback.”
“Jessie, are you saying you think I have a chance?”
“I’m not saying anything. But you’ll have to deal with me if you hurt her. Think carefully about what you want, Jack.”
Geoff arrived in and so the two men talked horses.
“I better get back to work or else I’ll be sacked from my own yard,” Jessie said. “Why don’t you come over for dinner tomorrow evening after the event in Colcone?”
“Thanks, Jessie, I’d love to.”
Jack drove to Bayrush beach and parked the car. He got out and started to walk along the shore. She had never been with Richard! He had replayed that kiss in his mind a hundred times. She hadn’t pulled away. How could he have been so stupid?
Every moment he’d seen her played like a movie in his head. Seeing her at McGraths’ over the stable door, then bumping into her in the yard, the afternoon in her mother’s garden, on the beach with Sam, the Viking night, the day the cruise liner had arrived in Bayrush, in the kitchen at Jessie’s after the sponsored ride, Christmas day, he cringed, the races the next day. St. Patrick’s Day. No wonder she had hardly spoken a word to him that day. He had pulled away from her. He had hurt her.
But did he really want to be with her? She had somebody else’s baby. Could he accept that? Could he give up his practice in Dubai? Conor had been right, he loved working with horses. He hadn’t been happy with the work here. She couldn’t leave Ireland with the baby. The father of the child wouldn’t want that. Anyway, why was he thinking about that? She loved her work and Ireland. He wouldn’t expect her to move. But that would mean he would have to come back. His head was in circles. He stopped in his tracks and looked out to sea. He could see Everest Rock in the distance. When had he forgotten how beautiful Ireland was? When had he started to miss it so much? God he’d love a cigarette. He had packed in the habit six months ago.
He walked back along the beach towards the jeep. He passed a newly built dormer-style cottage with a thatched roof and a pretty garden with a gate directly on to the beach. He could hear music playing. It sounded like Barbra Streisand. An aroma of barbeque wafted in the air, reminding him that he was hungry. He could hear the sound of voices and laughter carried in the quiet of the evening. The next house along was a wooden log house. It was all very dark and quiet. It was years since he had walked the beach. Geoff had told him she lived somewhere in Bayrush. He wondered where exactly.
“Who’s for more chicken?” asked Grace, turning the meat on the barbeque. She had invited the girls over because her friend Lisa was home on holidays from Manhattan. And she was delighted that Anna, Paul’s wife, had come too. Lisa was in the middle of one of her stories. Being an events manager in Manhattan, she often had them all cracking up with laughter. Grace loved when she was home. It was a perfect excuse to have a girlie evening. Kate kept complaining about the music. Anna passed her plate over.
“Shut up, you can have a turn in a while. I like Barbra,” Jessie insisted. “And I was here first, so tough.”
“Well she’s my sister and I often stay here so I win.”
“Will the two of ye give it a rest or I’ll turn the music off altogether,” said Grace. “Ye’re worse than ten children at times.”
“Thank goodness for the gas heater,” said Lisa, “it’s getting chilly.”
“Will we take it inside?” asked Grace, picking up the coleslaw dish to refill it.
“Ah no, we’ll be inside long enough. You’ll just have to toughen up, Lisa. You’re getting too used to the good life,” remarked Kate, changing the CD to Lily Allen.
“If only, girly,” laughed Lisa.
Anna followed Grace inside. “I’m glad it’s worked out for you both. I was so worried we’d lost you as a friend, Grace. And Paul is thrilled about being Finn’s godfather.”
“I’m so happy Dirk chose him because it will ensure that you’ll both always be in Finn’s life no matter what happens in the future. Promise me that, Anna.”
Anna hugged her. “Of course we will, Grace.”