So Sophia is in Killarney with Eoghan, Nora and the rest of their bridge club group …” Kate remarked, putting plates into the dishwasher. “What do you make of that?”
“What?” asked Grace, wiping down the granite counter.
“Sophia and Eoghan.”
“They’re just friends.”
“I think Eoghan would like to be more than friends. Fancy another glass of wine, sis?” Kate asked. “I might as well stay over. I really enjoyed the evening. Lisa is great craic.”
“Great. Pour away, I’ll just check on Finn, back in a sec.” Grace had noticed Sophia and Eoghan but she didn’t want to get into that conversation. She was afraid they might end up hurting one another. He wasn’t aware of Sophia’s secret wealth and Grace wasn’t sure how he would react if he found out.
Nothing gave her joy like looking at her baby. She still couldn’t explain the depth of feeling that she had for this little person. She bent down and gazed at the sleeping figure in the half-light of the room. She listened to hear his breathing and couldn’t help thinking of Jessie. Losing her beautiful babies had changed so much for her. She was different in many ways. She put on a good front but Grace knew she was still very raw. The one-year anniversary was coming up soon. They were all different because of it. After a few minutes she stood up and went to join her sister downstairs. Kate had The Script on in the background and was curled up on the sofa.
“How is our little cutie doing?”
“Fast asleep, I reckon he’ll sleep until around seven.”
“He’s great. I’m a bit clueless about babies, but it seems to me that Finn is an advert for them.”
Grace smiled in agreement. “Well Kate, how are you doing?”
“Am I that obvious?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not interested in going out socialising anymore. I’m twenty-seven and I can’t think of anything I’ve done to be proud of.”
“If I was a fairy godmother who could grant you your heart’s desire what would you want?”
“If only you were,” she replied wistfully.
“Humour me for a minute. Say it out loud. Voice it. It may not be as hard to have as you think.”
“I wish … Okay, I wish that … Don’t get me wrong, Gracey. I love working for you, it’s just …”
Grace finished for her. “It’s something you fell into. Kate, I want you to be happy. You need to follow your dreams. Life is too short for regrets. You have been a fantastic support to me, more than any person could ever wish for. Kate, please don’t feel stuck on my account. I am fine. I am making decisions for me and Finn. You need to make decisions for yourself.”
“I know but you’ve always been so good to me. I really screwed up, didn’t I? Grace I’m so ashamed of that time. When I see Marilyn she reminds me of how badly I feel … about me.”
“And she’s perfect … I don’t think so. We’re all trying here. Shit happens. All we can do is learn from it, that’s about it. It’s the person who never learns – they are the ones I worry about. Yes, you made mistakes but look at yourself. You’re a breath of fresh air to everyone around you. Everybody loves you. Even Dirk’s mother has a soft spot for you. Follow your heart Kate. I bet we’re talking about a certain guy here too?”
Kate looked very sheepish. “Gracey, I can’t believe it myself. In a million years I would not have picked Richard. I suppose that’s why I was so relaxed around him at Christmas. I didn’t think of him that way. Yeah, I wouldn’t have minded a bit of a fling but we didn’t even kiss. Yet I was desperate to see him when I heard he was in Miami. I made a complete prat of myself with the receptionist in the Woodmore. Then when he turned up at my bedroom door, I nearly died. But when he told me why he was there, everything went to the back of my mind. He told me about his wife and child, I don’t know if he told you. But it was awful …”
“He told me.”
“And Gracey, at Christmas he was vague about what he worked at, something about being an editor of a magazine. It turns out he is the CEO of an International Communications company. Did you know that too?”
Grace nodded. “But that’s not for people around here to know. Sophia would not be too pleased about that.”
“You needn’t worry. I haven’t told anybody. But Grace, it just puts him so out of my league. I’m a former drug addict. That’s what I mean. That’s why I’m feeling so shite! I can’t possible tell him that. What would he think of me? I’m so ashamed. Anyway it doesn’t matter because there is no future in it. He’s too old anyway.” She was talking herself into and out of the relationship all at once.
“Kate, the first thing you have to do is work at what you get some satisfaction from. Believe in yourself. If you want Richard – go after him. Tell him. Risk it. The worst thing he can do is reject you. If you are working at something that makes you happy you can bury yourself in your work while your heart mends if it doesn’t work out. Then you will be able to get on with your life. If you don’t try you will never know. He’s not going to be around for long, mark my words.”
Grace was thinking of her own lost opportunity. If only she had taken her own advice maybe things would be different. The man she loved was in another woman’s arms.
“Thanks, Grace, for everything. I did think of flying over and just turning up at his office. But I thought I was just being my ridiculously whimsical self. But now I think I will.”
“Christ Kate, I’m not quite sure myself now that you’re agreeing with me. Don’t take me quite so to heart.”
“Ah sis, you really are a chicken at times. What about the vet on Christmas Day? I saw the way he kept looking at you. He’s a fine bit of stuff. Do you know him? I thought it was a bit weird that he seemed to fancy you even though you were as big as a house.”
“I wasn’t that big. But did you really notice that he was looking at me?”
“A blind man could see it.”
“It’s a long story, Kate. Maybe in another lifetime things would have been different. I knew him years ago. And yes, I fancied him big time, then. He went back to Dubai.” Then she added quietly, “To his wife.”
“Oh God, sis, I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Maybe you are right. Sometimes we just have to take a risk if we really want something. I have some savings and maybe Lisa will lend me the keys of her apartment. I think I’ll book a ticket to New York.”
“OMG Kate Fitzgerald, you really are a crazy lady,” laughed Grace. There was no point in putting her off; if Kate wanted to do something nothing would stop her.
*
Sophia and Eoghan sat in the hotel lobby in comfortable armchairs. Piped music played gently in the background. They had left the rest of their group in the pub down the road where a ballad session was in full flow. She had been tired and Eoghan, ever the gentleman, had insisted on walking her back to their hotel. When he asked if she fancied a nightcap she had accepted. She enjoyed his company. She knew so little about him, and yet they talked about everything and anything but never the personal. She realised that was why she liked him so much. He was easy to be around. Her glass was nearly empty. He nodded towards it. “Another?”
“I shouldn’t …” But she wanted to stay chatting. She smiled.
He looked around and caught the attention of the night porter.
“Could we have the same again?”
Minutes later the porter placed two Baileys with crushed ice on the table.
“You’re right. It does taste of more.”
He smiled and clicked his glass to hers. “Are you staying this time?”
“In Ireland?” she asked, raising her eyebrows. “No, I don’t think I could live here permanently. Oh I do love it, but Richard is in New York and he’s all I’ve got now …”
Her voice trailed away. He sipped his drink and waited.
“I lost my grandson and his mother.” She began to tell him about the accident and he sat quietly and listened as she talked for the first time in a long while about how it happened and how she felt. And then she said, “Billy had a learning difference called dyspraxia or DCD.” She looked into the glass and watched as the chipped crystals swam in the milky liquid. She had never talked about this to anyone besides her family.
“What is it?”
“It’s a motor co-ordination problem. It’s often called ‘the hidden handicap’ because it’s not obvious, but it affected every area of his life. He found it difficult to play because he couldn’t catch a ball, or understand the rules of play like turn-taking. Riding a bicycle was nigh on impossible for him. Schoolwork was a nightmare because it would take him longer to find the page number or take down information from the board. Handwriting takes such co-ordination. I suppose I never thought about it until it happened in our family. Oh Eoghan, poor Billy found many ordinary day-to-day activities so hard. And Richard couldn’t understand it. Heather, his mother, researched as much as she could and was determined to make life easier for him. She had even taught him to ride his bicycle and the joy the day he cycled for the first time without supports was incredible. And then we lost them and I might as well have lost Richard too. And then Bill dying …” A tear rolled slowly down her cheek. She didn’t wipe it away, instead she sipped her drink. “I’m sorry we’re away for an enjoyable weekend and I’m burdening you with my tales of woe.”
He smiled and stretched his feet in front of him. “Am I running away?”
“Thank you,” she said. “I’m looking forward to tomorrow. A boat trip to see Fungie the dolphin. Sounds like fun.” She needed to lighten the air.
“You can’t beat the Kerrymen for their ingenuity. If only we could get a Fungie of our own in Bayrush, eh.” He laughed. “I love coming down here. It always makes me feel proud to be Irish. Even in the middle of the winter they manage to get the tourists in.”
“You’re really passionate about the work you do in the tourism industry.”
“If I hadn’t met Grace that day in the coffee shop I often wonder would I have followed a different path? I had taken early retirement but I wasn’t quite ready to put my feet up, that’s why I’m involved with the sea rescue as a volunteer. These days I’m busier than I was when I worked full-time. Not that I’m complaining.”
“I’d like to find a project to feel passionate about.”
“You will, now that you know you are looking.” He smiled knowingly.
She smiled and said, “It’s past my bedtime. Goodnight, Eoghan, and thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he said, standing as she got up. There was an awkward moment where neither of them knew what to do. So she walked away quickly towards the lift, pressing the button and waiting for the door to open. When she stood in and looked back towards where he had sat back down, she wondered for the first time what it would be like to be with another man. She flushed as the lift door closed.
Jessie, Geoff and Sam set off for the gymkhana at Colcone. It was a big event on the circuit and Jessie was thankful it was another fine, bright day. The field being used for parking was nearly full already. But they still had plenty of time to walk around. They checked the schedule. Sam was due to jump at eleven-fifteen.
“Hi guys,” she heard a familiar voice calling.
“Oh look Mum, it’s Gracey!” said Sam. “She came to see me.”
Jessie turned around. Grace looked fantastic, wearing skinny jeans, fabulous black leather boots with a tan brown trim and a sleeveless wax jacket. Her long blonde hair fanned her beautiful face and she was sporting a pair of black Jackie O style sun-glasses. Her figure was completely restored. She had little Finn in a baby sling in front of her. Jessie looked around. The amount of admiring glances she was getting was unbelievable. She was like a model.
Sam ran over to her to give her a hug and coo at baby Finn, who was beginning to grow some hair. It was so blond for a long time he looked bald at a distance. And he had his mother’s eyes – the most beautiful shade of dark blue. He was a smiley little fellow!
“Hi honey,” Grace said, bending down to Sam. “I wouldn’t miss today for the world. Are you looking forward to it?”
“Yes, I can’t wait, Bubbles is great. He’ll help me get over the jumps.”
“No bother to you, Sam. Sure you’re great at it. The most important thing is to enjoy it.”
“I know, that’s what Mum says too.”
She ruffled his curly red hair as they walked together to the coffee caravan, chatting and laughing.
“Can I go over to Oliver?”
“Yes,” said Jessie, waving at Oliver’s mother as Sam ran towards them with Buzz waddling along behind him.
“He’s not a bit nervous,” remarked Grace, just as Jessie spotted Jack in the distance.
“Let’s go back and sort out the pony,” said Jessie. Please God Jack will make the right decision, she thought.
Grace turned and could have sworn she saw Jack. Nobody had mentioned he was back. Maybe it was her imagination or just wishful thinking. Whoever it was had his back turned and was wearing a striped red and navy polo shirt and jeans. She stared but the guy didn’t turn around. Oh imagine if it was him! But if it was – that was probably his wife standing next to him; the woman was leaning into him. It couldn’t be him. Jack was thousands of miles away. It was probably all the wine she had last night making her wistful.
It was a bit of fun, a diversion from reality to think he might be here. Grace became distracted because Jessie asked her to find Geoff – she needed him to help unload Bubbles and get him warmed up. The gymkhana at Colcone was a big show and it attracted a large attendance. Both Jessie’s and Geoff’s parents had arrived too.
About twenty minutes later a man with a West-Brit accent announced across the PA system that it was time for the under eights novice jumps – Sam’s group. A young lad opened the gate to let Bubbles in and then the buzzer went and they were off over the first sixty-centimetre jump. And then the next, no problems. Sam led the little pony over the double-barred jump. Grace watched as his two grandmothers looked away. They were so nervous for him. Grace looked towards Jessie, whose face was bursting with pride. Sam was still going clear coming up to the last fence and then it was complete … the applause from their corner was rapturous. Grace wouldn’t have missed this for the world. Sam jumped down. He was grinning from ear to ear and Geoff picked him up and swung him around.
“Dad, put me down. Not cool, Dad, not cool at all,” Sam muttered at his father. Everybody patted Sam on the back and told him well done. And then Grace heard a familiar voice join in the congratulations.
“Hey Sam, that was terrific, well done.”
“That’s my son, Jack.” Geoff ruffled Sam’s helmet-free head.
“Dad, that’s just the first round.”
“I know. I know. Just take your time. Don’t get hung up about the clock. Just enjoy it.”
“I will. Stop saying that, Dad.”
Jack patted Geoff on the back, saying, “He did really well.”
“Don’t I know it!”
Jessie stood close to Grace and whispered in her ear, “Breathe, don’t forget to breathe.”
“Feck off,” Grace whispered back.
“And for God’s sake, be nice to him.”
After a few minutes she caught his eye. He smiled that smile of his; her knees nearly buckled. He came over and stood next to her, lowering his head to see Finn in the baby sling to her front. She could smell his hair, he was so close.
“Hello Finn,” he said to the baby, gently catching his little fingers. “I’ve heard all about you. You’re a little cutie, just like your mommy.”
Jesus, she thought, she would need oxygen if she didn’t get away from him. Why did she always feel like running when he was near? He turned his face; it was so close to hers she felt as though there was nobody else around them. One slight move and their lips could touch. And then he asked, “How’ve you been?”
She was in a field full of fresh air and she could hardly breathe. She managed to squeeze out, “Good.”
“I’m glad.” He smiled again. That blasted smile of his.
“Look, I was only here for Sam’s jump. I have to go. Jessie,” she called out, putting distance between them. “I’ll call around later. Well done Sam, that was brilliant. Enjoy the rest of the day.”
“Okay, I’ll see you later,” Jessie called after her.
She waved goodbye to everybody and set off across the field to her car. Shite, she thought, I was really looking forward to spending the day and having a picnic with everybody. If his wife had come over she’d die of shame. I can’t share the same sky as him, I just can’t. These thoughts raced through her head as she fastened Finn into his car seat. She heard somebody calling her name.
“Grace, wait, hang on, will you?”
“What … what do you want?” She was angry now, angry with him for messing up her day. Goddamn it, for messing up her life.
He reached the car, looked straight into her eyes and said simply, “You.”
“Have you forgotten – you’re married. Now if you’d please let me pass I have somewhere I need to be.”
“I don’t know why I bother. You’re such a hot head. I don’t think I could put up with you for any more than a day. What do you think? Can we spend one day together without fighting? We used to be able to. Can it be that hard for you to be your pleasant self with me? You manage it with everybody else. Why not me?”
“Because …” She couldn’t think straight, his beautiful eyes were pleading.
“Look, can’t we try to be friends? One lousy day out of your life! That’s all I am asking for. Let’s just call it quits for the day!”
Her head said no but her heart couldn’t resist. She didn’t have any other plans. Obviously his wife wasn’t with him. She had Finn with her. What harm could it be?
“Okay, quits so. From this moment on we are going to be pleasant to one another until seven o’clock this evening, then the day is over, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Get in.”
“Yes sir.” He laughed. “What about my jeep?”
“I’ll drop you back for it later.”
“Sounds good to me!”
She drove down the long winding lane back towards the main entrance to the estate, passing the big old house.
“Wow, it’s fabulous, isn’t it?” he remarked.
“Mmm,” she replied, thinking not half as fabulous as him. God, she needed to get a grip if she planned on getting through the day.
Kate had slept like a log for the first time in months. She had finally made some decisions. It was after twelve when she emerged from the little downstairs bedroom in the cottage. She took the stairs two at a time and logged onto the internet. She booked a flight to New York for Tuesday morning and back on Thursday.
Then she began to search the web for college courses in art and design. While scrolling she rang Lisa on her mobile and asked if she could stay in her apartment in Manhattan.
“No problem, you’ll have to change the sheets and ignore the small bit of chaos I left behind me but you’re more than welcome to use it.”
“Do you fancy going for a bite to eat and a few drinks on me later?” said Kate, pressing print.
“Yes sounds good, but let’s go Dutch!”
“Cheers Lisa, how about meeting in Nuttie’s at eight and then Casa Luigi, it’s a lovely tapas bar across the road, my favourite actually. See you then.”
She continued her search on the internet for another hour. Then she went downstairs, got dressed, picked up her sketch book and headed for the beach. She felt as if the weight of the world had lifted from her. She was following her dreams. She felt free.
At first Grace didn’t know where to go. Tourism was her game and yet she couldn’t think straight she was so flustered. Thankfully she had everything she needed for a day out with Finn. Finally her thoughts settled on the mountains. There was a footpath all the way from the car park right up to the waterfall. She’d be able to push the buggy along it. She had suggested that they go back to her house to arrange a picnic but Jack thought it might be nice to go for lunch somewhere along the way.
She talked about the weather, and Finn’s sleeping and feeding habits. He chatted about his nephews and what they were studying and about Ireland and all the changes over the last few years. She felt comfortable and yet flustered being around him. She was glad that she was driving because it kept her occupied.
Jack was so happy that if she had suggested a trip to the town dump it was fine by him. He looked at her sideways profile while she concentrated on driving. Everything about her just fitted, at least it did in his eyes. He turned to look at little Finn in his car seat. He could do this. He could accept this little baby. If only she would give him the chance. His future hinged on this day. He had until seven o’clock.
Sam’s final was called. Jessie watched as her son took each jump. She had to remind herself to breathe. Her mother stood beside her and put her arm around Jessie just as Sam was jumping the last fence, rushing to beat the clock. Yes, his time put him in the lead.
“Mum, I could never understand why you were so nervous about me racing in the point to points but I think I’d have a fit if Sam suggested it. I nearly stopped breathing through that.” They both laughed.
“Jessie, you were as hard to stop then as you are now. I’m glad you never let anything hold you back. I know the past year has been hard on you all. We never talk about the babies but that doesn’t mean we don’t think about them. I want you to know I’m very proud of you and of the way you have picked yourself up and got on with your life. I never tell you these kinds of things. I suppose it’s the way I was brought up. Don’t give your kids a big head. Maybe it was a generation thing, but whatever it was, I want to tell you today and every day of my life I am proud of you and I love you.”
Jessie was frozen to the spot.
“Mum, have you being watching too much Oprah?” she joked, through tear-filled eyes.
“Will you go away outta that Jessie McGrath? Look over there, your son is waving at you, what kind of a mother are you at all?”
“Thanks, Mum,” she said, leaning over and kissing her mother’s cheek. “Thanks for saying that. I love you too.” Her mother beamed at her and Jessie thought that for the rest of her life she would treasure this moment.
It was a great day. She hoped Grace’s day would be too. She had seen Jack follow her.
Grace pushed the buggy along the footpath towards the waterfall. She had given Finn his bottle in the car. Thankfully she was no longer breast-feeding, otherwise she would never have agreed to this. Her heart was thumping; she didn’t want this day to ever end. She stole a sideways glance. He was everything to her. Had he really meant what he had said at the car earlier? Had she misheard him? He had said “you”. Maybe she had misunderstood.
Finn was contented and was about to fall asleep with the motion of the buggy. Although the car park had been busy, the walk was long enough not to be crowded. People passing every now and then meant that there were no deep meaningful conversations which suited her. She didn’t want to know about his wife or life in Dubai. She just wanted this day. She could have it to add to her little daydreams about them. How pathetic was she? The truth was if he whisked her behind one of those huge rock boulders she would do the business and worry about the consequences later. Thankfully he couldn’t read her mind; she blushed as an elderly couple passed and nodded a greeting.
“My, aren’t they a handsome-looking family. They look so happy. It’s nice to know romance is not dead.”
“What was that, love?” the old man asked.
“Nothing, forget it,” the woman half-roared back at him.
“Poor auld divil, must have a hearing problem,” Jack laughed, adding, “Nothing is ever as it seems, eh!”
She smiled but didn’t say anything, wishing that it was as it seemed. When they arrived at the waterfall, she found a flat rock to sit on. She always loved listening to the sound of the water gushing down the rock-face. Some children paddled in the stream a short distance from them while older ones attempted to climb up the rocks along with some athletic type dads. Jack sat opposite her. She noticed a young couple lying side by side nearby. The girl was looking up at the sky while the guy leaned up on his elbow and tickled her nose with a piece of long grass. Embarrassed, she looked away. It was so peaceful even though it was quite populated. Finn woke. She took him up immediately.
“Can I?” Jack asked, surprising her.
“Yes, sure.” She passed her little son into his arms.
“He’s so small. I’m afraid I’ll hurt him,” he said nervously.
“He’s tougher than he looks. He’s my little warrior. Aren’t you, honey?” she gushed at Finn. Finn granted her a big smile.
“Ah, look at him. I’ve never held a baby before – even my nephews. I wasn’t around much when they were babies. I’m all fingers and thumbs but it feels great.”
She actually thought she was going to cry with the realisation of how strongly she felt about him. She didn’t want the day to end. She wished she could stop time.
It was nearly twenty-one years to the day she had first met him. And at seven tonight she’d have to say goodbye again. She must have been crazy to agree to this. She had the urge to run again. She muttered something and walked away.
*
Jack watched her. She had said something about dropping something. He could see she was upset. He wanted to walk after her but he couldn’t because he was actually terrified to move. Imagine that a baby could frighten a grown man so much. As soon as he could he would tell her everything. He would move back if she wanted him to. He could work as a vet again. He didn’t give a shit if he never worked with horses again. But why had she been so mad with him earlier? He had to get to the bottom of that but he didn’t want to make a complete fool of himself either.
“We better head back. Are you hungry?” she asked.
He wanted to answer “no, only for you”. But he’d sound like a fool. So he said, “Yeah, my stomach thinks my throat is cut.”
She laughed. “I thought you’d have forgotten all the local slang. You’ve been away so long.”
“There are some things a person never forgets,” he said as she took Finn gently from his arms and placed him back into the buggy. Finn was still smiling.
“Does he ever cry? Babies get such a bad rap. I haven’t heard a whimper.”
“He’s very good humoured. He takes after his mother that way.” She laughed.
“Oh, I don’t know about that. I know another side to that same woman.” As he said it he poked her side.
“Funny, ha, ha.” She smiled at him.
God, she’s beautiful, he thought. Please stop the bloody clock.
Kate finished sketching. It was getting cooler so she went back to the cottage to get ready for her evening out. She loved Casa Luigi. Luigi who owned it was a good friend of hers. She was into music and Luigi’s often held dinner and music sessions with well-known musicians as a “kind of audience with” idea. Tonight they had Viv O’Connor playing. She was really looking forward to it.
On her way she planned to call to her mother’s house. She’d tell her she was going to Dublin for a few days. She had no intention of telling anyone but Grace where she was really going. It was okay to be rejected as long as nobody else heard about it. She had less than forty-eight hours to wait. The night out would take her mind off what she was about to do.