Defeating depression
I did wonder when I was going to get a letter from Michael, as it had been 19 years since we had last seen him and I would have to be prepared for him to want his money from the house and to have the house sold and divide the money between us as Jamie turned 17, but I received nothing. Then in 2008 I received a letter from a solicitor on behalf of Michael instructing me to sell the house. I got very upset as I was only working part time. I had to rely on my sons to make phone calls and arrange for a solicitor and go with me to see the solicitor on their days off. I got some photos taken of the rooms in the house to take to the solicitors to prove that I had spent a lot of money on the house, redecorating every room, having the central heating put in and a new boiler, plus new doors and a new bathroom. I had letters coming and going to the solicitors. However we did come to an agreement on the price of the house. I then had to get a mortgage, so I had to ask Jamie on his day off work to go to see a financial adviser. Fortunately we were able to get a mortgage and pay Michael off. That meant we all were finally free of him. We have not seen or heard from him since then.
I started to eat more unhealthy food, like fish and chips or Chinese takeaways. I would buy a box of chocolates and hide it because I wanted to eat them all myself - I would eat the lot in one night, and very soon I put on a lot of weight. I couldn’t understand why - I didn’t seem to care, just carried on eating, and I didn’t have a period for a long time. I would always feel tired, but never had any sleep. I would lie awake in bed.
It took me a long time to realize that I had depression. I think it was due to the fact that I was at home looking after my son’s and my own daily life with little money and little social life. I was depressed for about seven years and wanted to go to the doctors but kept putting it off, as I knew communication would be difficult. I found food and chocolate comforting. It took me a while to buck up the courage and go to consult Dr Smith (I had been told his son was deaf) by writing it down on paper. He give me low dosage anti-depression tablets. I did later go to see him again to ask if I could get counselling, but he refused.
I really wanted to do something with my life, and when I learned that other deaf people were teaching hearing people sign language I was very interested. However I felt I was too fat and ugly to do that, but I did not really know who to ask about it. I just happened to mention it to this man called Keith Williams who worked at the deaf club as advocated for the deaf people. He was deaf himself, and he was helpful and advised me to go to college and do curriculum training. I thought that if I went to college to be a teacher and got a job teaching it would motivate me to go out of the house more.
I decided to do regular exercise and take up running, and I soon learned to change the way I ate. I bought myself a book about foods, because I knew I could not attend the Weight Watch class as I would not be able to follow the teacher. I saw a Weightwatchers book which I found simple to follow with interesting and different foods. I could have as much fruit and vegetables as I liked, and there were plenty of pictures, which helped me to understand better and only cost £7 in a sale. I still use it today!
Slowly I started to lose weight and my clothes were getting too big on me to wear. Eventually I lost three stones in weight and was more motivated to look for work. I had realized that taking antidepressant pills does not help the problem. I decided to come off them slowly. For seven years I felt like that - who could I go and ask for help? I found it difficult to tell someone. That was the darkest place I have ever entered, and I made sure I would never be in that dark place like that again.
Philip developed asthma as well as Jamie. I did ask for both of them to be treated at the same hospital and continued every three months rather than every year. When Jamie started at the Catholic school full time I would give him his nebulizer, which was the one where I had to pump the air with my foot to release the air, in the morning before school and then go back to pick him up from school, bring him home to give him his lunch and recharge it again for the afternoon. So for a year I had to make three return trips to school five days a week.
I was not happy with the next-door neighbour because they got themselves a Doberman, the most ugly and aggressive dog I have ever come across. They made a shed in the yard for the dog to sleep in and he would walk around in circles all day. They never took him out for a walk, and he would poo in the yard. I had to be careful every time I opened the curtains in the boys’ bedroom in case the dog barked. It continually barked in an aggressive way day and night and early in the morning, and I didn’t sleep very well for worry that Philip and Jamie would not be able to sleep. I absolutely hated that dog - I have never liked dogs anyway.
One time I was looking over at their yard when the son purposely encouraged it to bark at the window. Can you imagine my rage? I quickly opened the net curtains and gave the man a dirty look - he looked shocked when he saw me! I assume he thought it was my boys. I wanted to something about it, but how was I to go about doing that? I am sure they didn’t care because they knew I would not be able to hear that dog, and my boys were suffering.
I did go to the neighbour who lived on the other side of them about the dog, because I knew she worked nights and slept through the day. I asked if the dog was bothering her and she said no, he was fine! We put up with that for five years, till one day a new neighbour moved in at the near end of the street. They’d only been there a week when they rang my door bell. At the door were two girls in their early 20s. They asked me if I would mind keeping the dog quiet! I quickly said ‘I don’t have a dog, it’s them next door,’ and pointed out the house to them. Within a week that dog disappeared - forever!
I believe I was taken advantage of because of my disabilities. These were the same people who said to me that they did not have phone when I asked them to call the police. I was so relieved when the dog went and even happier when they moved away! Now we have a nicer neighbour and no dog. The new neighbour, Mark, even told us when he was planning to have a party and promised to keep it quiet, which he did.
I never felt comfortable letting my boys play outside in the street. I would have to keep an eye out of the window all the time to make sure they were safe, because I could not hear anything if something did happen. One day after tea they went outside to play for about ten minutes after tea. I was in the kitchen washing up when a neighbour came to my house to tell me something had happened. She quickly took me around the corner and Philip came running to me in a shocked state to say Jamie had been hit by a car!
I ran out of the house so fast and found Jamie on the ground. I quickly picked him up. We were all in shock and I did not understand what I was being told. My neighbour explained that the man wanted to take us to hospital. I went home to lock the door and we all went in his car, and I remember none of us said a word. I never saw that man again. He was the one who had knocked Jamie over.
After being checked over by the doctor at the hospital we were told that thankfully Jamie was fine and only had bruises on his legs.
About two or three days later police officers came to our house, saying the accident had been reported. I was surprised, because I had not told them about it. I kept asking them to speak slowly, as I was not able to understand some things. Philip said the man who had hit Jamie had reported himself to the police. To this day I have never known the man’s name.
The church we attended asked if we would like to go as pilgrims to Lourdes, where sick and disabled people go every year to stay for a week of prayers. They asked us if we would like to go, all expenses paid, and I agreed to go to pray for my sons’ health. We stayed in a hotel overlooking the river. It was the first time on a plane for us, and the weather was beautiful all that week. We met wonderful people who were so willing to help us - it was a different world. My mother came with us. I have since been five times, sometimes with friends and with my mother twice.
I wanted my boys to do well in school and never missed attending parents’ evenings to discuss their schoolwork and any school plays they were in. My father came along for support and was interested in how they were doing. When they were at secondary school I was thinking about going back to work and took a few courses at college for computer operating, but found them difficult and considered doing a teaching job with British Sign Language. As Keith Williams advised me, I decided I would go to college to gain Level Three NVQ teaching certificates and to build profiles. I found it difficult, but I was pleased to pass and did an assessment for Level Two British Sign Language at Durham University - I passed that too. I couldn’t wait to start to teach hearing people how to learn British Sign Language!
When I was at Kirby College for my NVQ teacher certificates, I would go one evening a week. The communicator for British Sign Language would arrived in the classroom and introduce herself to me and when the lecturer started to speak the communicator was lost! She couldn’t keep up with what the lecturer was saying. I realized that she was not qualified to do that job. For the whole evening I did not learn a thing. I got in touch with the communicator support department manager by using textphone and asked for another communicator, but the following week I arrived college to find there was no communicator at all. I had to go home as there was no point in staying.
For the third week at college the person in charge of organizing communicators was there with the same lady I had made my complaints about. She had to interpret my complaints to the manager! I had to say she was useless and I was lost in the classroom for her to translate. I knew the man used to be a gas fixer and I told him he should stick to that job! I was angry, as he could not understand British Sign Language himself. How he got that job is beyond me.
The fifth time I arrived at college I finally got someone who was a little bit better, but only because that communicator had had some experience with deaf people. I needed to be able to understand and learn to create a profile for my qualifications for my future as a teacher. I would have preferred a registered qualified interpreter NVQ level six, as they are excellent and very professional. College usually uses communicators because it’s cheaper. Universities should use highly-qualified interpreters.
I was offered one evening a week teaching at the deaf club, which was only ten minutes’ walk from my house - very handy. Philip and Jamie were able to look after themselves for two hours now - Jamie was almost 15 years old. Sometimes I could keep an eye on them at the park opposite the deaf club upstairs where I was working, and I could see them playing football.
The very first evening going to work I was very excited and nervous at the same time, but looking forward to it. Fifteen students arrived and sat around in a half circle and my co- ordinator introduced me to all the students, telling them I was deaf and giving a brief explanation about the course, which was to take 30 weeks, with exams at the end of the term. Then she left. There I was starting to teach fifteen students British Sign Language and I had no idea what I was going to be paid!
Firstly I would have flip charts. I would write ‘Hello’ using my right hand with palm facing toward the students and going around in small circles. Then all the students did the same, all at the same time. Then I would have them do it one by one, then for the next one I would write ‘How are you?’ I would then show them first by putting both my hands on my chest and slowly moving out with my hands away to the right hand shape and mouth movement at the same time. I had to be careful as there are many basic hand shapes, for example flat hand, open hand, clawed hand, fist, closed hand, bent hand, cupped hand and so on. There’s also pointing, movement and facial expressions to show emotions like angry, excited, jealous, sorry and so on.
I would teach and show the alphabet to each student first, then they would watch me, then copy me. Once I had made sure everyone understood clearly, I would hand out copy alphabet sheets and the students would learn how to finger-spell their names. By the end of the class each student should be able to sign hello and then finger-spell their names.
During my time teaching, my coordinator-manager asked me if I would like to go for an interview. I agreed, in the end. The interviews were delayed and I ended up being interviewed at the same time as another woman. We sat down and he took out a pen and paper and asked me what I did at work, and I told him. The other lady said ‘I work in prison and teach’. Then he asked me about the Mayor, and I remembered a poster I had been looking at while I was waiting and said that the Mayor considered our health and well-being. I also said he had been to the deaf centre a few times meeting with deaf people, and there were many photographs all around the walls of the Mayor with deaf people who had done well with their exams on computer courses. He was delighted with me for mentioning that, and while I was answering his questions he was writing everything down.
The other woman became quite annoyed, as he seemed to be asking me more questions about the Mayor than my job. I was really glad that I had seen that poster!
When I saw my coordinator at work the following week and I told her all about it she could not believe it and could not understand why is was important that I had to answer these questions. I found the whole thing unbelievable. The Mayor was more important to them than learning about my job! In fact the Mayor used to be a policeman and had been sacked from his job for making deals with a drug dealer – and today he still is Mayor!