The Smart Stepfamily

It’s been a real struggle trying to be a stepmother to my husband’s son. We butt heads quite often, and my husband doesn’t know how to help. Usually he and I start arguing about his son, but before long we’re arguing with each other. It’s been three years, and I just thought things would be so much better by now.

Without question, this stepmother is struggling. I receive numerous emails such as this, and most of them come from good-hearted people who are discouraged with their journey. The Promised Land can seem so far away when daily problems continually drain your energy. The real question is, can you trust God and persevere in your journey while trying to understand what obstacles stand in the way and what solutions will help you overcome them?

Let me pause for a moment and clearly say that I don’t ask this question flippantly. I realize spiritual advisors and ministers often hand out the easy “Just trust God” solution and then walk away. Since my son’s death, I really understand how incredibly difficult trusting God can be when the cost of your circumstances is extremely high. Two weeks after his brother died, my youngest son, Brennan, then age ten, opened Connor’s CaringBridge website (created when Connor was in the hospital so people could receive updates and share prayers). He pointed to the counter on the screen and said, “Look, Dad. We had over 35,000 people praying for Connor. Why did God let him die?” With my eyes filled with tears I said all I could come up with: “I don’t know, buddy. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.” In hindsight, I’ve realized that in part Brennan was asking, “Can we trust that God is good even when he allows life to stink?” It’s a very good question.

I had read the book of Job before Connor died, but after his death I realized that I had never really read the book of Job. I have read it dozens of times since and committed some parts to memory as a way of coping with my son’s death. One aspect of his story that has sustained me is how Job’s faith was transformed through his tragedy. Not immediately, I assure you, but only after a long argument with God. For thirty-five chapters, Job argues, petitions, and takes on God regarding the loss of his family, wealth—essentially his life. Believing that God is punishing him for some evil he knows he has not done, Job accuses God of injustice. In his suffering, essentially for thirty-five chapters Job postures that God cannot be trusted to bless good people.

Then God speaks (see Job 38). Unfortunately for Job (and me) he doesn’t explain the behind-the-scenes circumstances and Satan’s involvement, nor does he tell Job why he allowed the death of his ten children. Wasn’t there some cosmic purpose that God could share with Job that would somehow settle his suffering? Instead, when he speaks, God reminds Job that he alone is God, the creator of the universe and everything in it, with power and intellect beyond anything Job can understand. God doesn’t defend himself, he just defines himself.

And somehow, in this response, Job’s faith is transformed. How do I know? In chapter 42, Job makes an interesting remark after listening to God: “I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes” (Job 42:5–6).

The man whom God himself at the beginning of the story said was blameless and upright (see Job 1:8) was now indicating that his faith had grown significantly; something had matured his faith. Suffering had invited Job to “see” God in a way he never had before. For months after my son’s death, I asked everyone I knew what they thought Job now saw. Finally, after many disappointing conversations, Jimmy Adcox, a trusted ministry friend of mine, suggested that what Job learned was that he could trust God with the things that in this life he would never have the privilege of understanding. Apparently Job had trusted God to be good, but didn’t know he could trust him with the unknown circumstances of life that brought great sadness and suffering.

I cannot change my past sufferings; neither can you. I cannot predict the unknown of the future; neither can you. But we can trust that God is good in both our pasts and ours futures, even if we don’t understand the circumstances.

There are a few land mines to avoid while journeying through the wilderness. In part, trusting God with the unknown means trusting that when he says, “Step here, not there,” doing so will bring blessing to your home. Essentially, stepping-stones are important attitudes and perspectives that will enable you to endure the wilderness and cross your Sea of Opposition. Each one overtly says, “Step here,” meaning do or act this way. But there’s always an implied, “Don’t step there, that’s a land mine” message as well—that is, avoid doing this or acting like that. The “Step here” message is provided below; I invite you to determine the “Don’t step there” message yourself.

As you read these key qualities, celebrate the ways you have already begun living them and imagine ways you need to improve.

This stepping-stone goes straight to the heart of any successful family. It occurs when family members voluntarily put themselves under the lordship of Jesus Christ and make an internal, personal commitment to follow him and accept his gracious forgiveness of the sin that separates us from God. Living in faithful response to this grace will ripple into every aspect of your home. For example, when we understand how much we have been forgiven, we can extend forgiveness to those who have deeply hurt us. Furthermore, just as Christ was not swayed from acting fairly toward those who falsely accused him, stepparents who seek to imitate Christ can find ways of rising above their stepchildren’s manipulative ploys and not “pay back evil with evil” (see Romans 12:17–21 NIRV). Christ’s spiritual integrity (doing what is right despite how you feel about it) is a model for how you are to treat one another. When his integrity becomes yours, a transformation will begin in your home that defies the odds.

Christlikeness involves a personal commitment to holy living. There are, of course, thousands of Scripture texts that help us understand living as Christ did. Let’s sample just a few. Read the following and apply them specifically to the relationships within your stepfamily. Ask yourself how you might put them into practice with your spouse, ex-spouse, children, and stepchildren.

Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Finally, my brothers and sisters, always think about what is true. Think about what is noble, right and pure. Think about what is lovely and worthy of respect. If anything is excellent or worthy of praise, think about those kinds of things. Do what you have learned or received or heard from me. Follow my example. The God who gives peace will be with you.

But the fruit the Holy Spirit produces is love, joy and peace. It is being patient, kind and good. It is being faithful and gentle and having control of oneself.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

The application of these texts can be profound for your family. For instance, you might find it much more difficult to argue with your ex-spouse if you “don’t keep a record of wrongs.” Compassion can help you to be sensitive to your spouse who feels caught between love for you and love for his or her children. Gentleness with stepchildren who have made it perfectly clear they don’t want you around is very difficult but may eventually win them over. Finding and focusing on what is “praiseworthy”—instead of rehashing what is upsetting—helps create energy for problem solving and gives you hope for the future. And finally, not letting your children hear “unwholesome talk” about the other household is a gift, just as “building up” your children’s stepparent is a gift you’d like the other home to do for you.

Let me say another brief word about this last example and the wisdom of Scripture. Negative comments about your children’s other stepparent (an ex-spouse’s new spouse) often flow out of frustration or hurt but sometimes are an attempt to keep your children loyal to you. Parents don’t realize they already have their children’s loyalties; a stepparent will not replace a biological parent in a child’s heart. Negative comments are simply unnecessary. If you are successful in getting your children to become uncooperative and disrespectful toward the stepparent, stress is created in the other home, which, ironically, is then carried back into your home by the children. In other words, unwholesome talk about the other home is an effective form of self-sabotage! God’s way really does work best.

The second stepping-stone involves one of the hardest skills in relationships—listening. If stepfamily members are not willing to hear one another, they can’t know how to love and honor one another. Listening is a process by which persons set aside their own agendas long enough to tune in to someone else. This allows you to see another perspective and gain insight into that family member’s feelings, desires, and goals. In contrast, an unwillingness to listen and value the perspective of another can make them feel invalidated and unimportant.

Outsiders in stepfamilies are those who are not biologically related to other stepfamily members; insiders are biologically related and have a shared family history together. Sometimes an outsider (e.g., stepparent) is told they shouldn’t have a say in a situation because they “just don’t understand” the history or the circumstances. The insider parent (biological parent) feels justified not listening to the outsider stepparent and so, then, do the children. Such invalidation usually brings about resentment in the stepparent and usually prevents them from moving from an outsider to an insider. This should not be. Even though opinions will differ, everyone in a stepfamily has the need to be heard.

When conflict erupts, the biblical admonition to “be quick to listen . . . and slow to get angry” is of tremendous value (James 1:19 NLT). During conflict, most persons want so badly to be heard that they talk over others or are devising their next comment when they’re supposed to be listening. Proverbs 18:13 (NIRV) reminds us, “To answer before listening is foolish and shameful.” It takes great discipline, but people who can apply the principle of listening first to understand the other before trying to be understood will find their conflicts de-escalating and more productive.

Listening is the skill that makes understanding possible. It can be difficult to fully understand someone else’s perspective, but standing in another’s shoes in order to see the world from that person’s point of view is a good first step. This is an important process in stepfamilies because, for example, each individual has traveled a different journey into the stepfamily. Imagine yourself standing in New York’s Grand Central Station, the largest train station (by number of platforms) in the world, with forty-four platforms and sixty-seven tracks, watching people arrive on different trains. As they exit the train, you realize that though they started in many different places, they are now all arriving in one location.

So it is with your family. Perhaps some children in your home, for example, after the death of a parent journeyed on a train through the valley of the shadow of death. Their loss is distinctively permanent and their daily longing for that parent is never satisfied. But because their parents had a strong marriage, they are used to responding to united parents. Other children in your home, however, arrived on a different train: the divorce train. They are used to angry, divided parents who perhaps belittle each other. These children must travel back and forth between two homes and navigate the tension of doing so. This difference in history brings to your living room—Grand Central Station—very different children with different expectations, hurts, and fears.

To make matters more challenging, the adults have also traveled on different trains from each other and the children. The result? Biological parents and stepparents experience the stepfamily differently from each other and from the children.

To put yourself in the shoes of the other persons in your family is a tremendous act of courage, but it is absolutely necessary in order to understand their experience of you. You may find, for example, that a stepdaughter’s resentment of you is not so farfetched given how she has been hurt by others in the past. Or you may discover that your husband’s style of discipline is understandable (even if you don’t want to replicate it) once you understand what he experienced in his first marriage and family of origin.

Try putting yourself in the shoes of each person and wonder what it must be like to be them. Ask yourself:

Ask each family member to share the answers to some of these questions with you. Listen intently and strive to understand how these aspects impact his or her daily life with you. Such understanding will help you develop empathy and perhaps compassion for each member of your family, which in turn helps you relate more effectively.

Life is filled with trials, tribulations, and challenges. It is the norm for all types of families (biological, single-parent, and stepfamily). This is especially true at the beginning of the stepfamily journey; in fact, uncertainty, disillusionment, and discouragement commonly characterize the first few years. The stepping-stone of perseverance can carry you through.

I’m talking about being determined and sticking with your marriage and family when the going gets tough. Henry Blackaby in Experiencing God[1] talks about the “crisis of belief” that Christians experience when God’s will becomes evident. When God speaks his desire for us, whether through Scripture or circumstance, we face a crisis of belief. Will my belief lead to action and take me wherever God has directed—even if I personally don’t want to go there—or will my belief remain simply words?

This willingness to surrender to what God directs or allows in our life is challenging when the life circumstance is a little inconvenient, but it is extremely unsettling when the cost is very high. Loss is one of those circumstances that gives birth to a crisis of belief for most of us. Whether it is the loss of a child, a marriage through divorce, a spouse by death, financial ruin, or lost dreams about a new family, we often find ourselves, like Job, having to examine our assumptions about God, our ability to control our circumstances—even the foundations of our faith. Many people drift from God and the fellowship of his people when loss happens; not understanding or feeling disappointed with God leads to withdrawing. Others run to God in blind trust, hoping to find strength to endure. What about you? Which direction have you gone in the past? In which direction are you headed now?

I have a great deal of admiration for people who face the discouragements and disappointments of stepfamily living with raw determination and resolve. Because determination in this situation is sacrificial, it is not a convenience. It is a crisis of belief. In effect, determination says, “Trusting God to be faithful as the Lord of Possibilities, I will be faithful and persevere in my marital responsibilities even if this marriage and family is not what I want it to be.”[2] Perseverance, then, while at times is quite costly, paves the way for hope to become reality.

Determination, when combined with the decision to persevere, results in a strong commitment to building your stepfamily. The bedrock of this commitment is dedication to your spouse and your vow to love, honor, and cherish each other for a lifetime. But sometimes we need to be reminded that marital vows are not multiple choice. The preacher probably didn’t let you choose: “I’ll take richer, for better, and in health—but leave off poorer, for worse, and in sickness.” No, you committed yourself to all of them. As life teaches you what that commitment means, keep your dedication to your partner and your vows high.

Commitment means remaining dedicated to the vows you expressed (or will express) on your wedding day. Every day of your life you will make a decision whether or not you will live up to those words. If you choose not to, your stepfamily will not survive.

Stepfamily integration hardly ever happens as quickly as adults want it to. Stepfamily researcher James Bray discovered that stepfamilies generally don’t begin to think or act like a family until the end of the second or third year.[3] Furthermore, Patricia Papernow, author of the book Becoming a Stepfamily, discovered that it takes the average stepfamily around five to seven years to integrate sufficiently to experience intimacy and authenticity in steprelationships. Fast-paced families can accomplish this in four years, if the children are young and the adults are intentional about bringing their family together. Slow families, according to Papernow, can take nine or more years.[4] In my experience, very few adults come into their stepfamily believing it will take anywhere near this long. They assume—and want—a quick, painless blending process. I have often wondered if they had known the journey would take so long, would they have signed on in the first place?

Why does it take so long for stepfamilies to integrate? One reason is that the stepfamily is filled with complex dynamics. For example, family therapists have long recognized that divorce doesn’t really end family life; it just reorganizes it. In effect, it spreads the family out over multiple households, and relational dynamics that preceded the divorce continue even though the family’s living arrangements have been restructured. New stepfamily relationships become part of the larger expanded family. I’ve talked with an ex-husband, for example, who was stunned to find out that when his ex-wife’s new mother-in-law had a crisis, it impacted his home. Children were emotionally affected, and it forced his ex-wife to change her visitation schedule, which, of course, dramatically altered his life and plans.

Stepfamilies need to realize that all the people sharing a relationship (by blood or marriage) with their children and stepchildren are part of their “expanded” family. Start counting, and the total number of people can be exasperating! From a mathematical perspective, the number of possible interactions in a stepfamily containing children who move back and forth between two homes, and who have stepparents who have biological children of their own, can be thousands of times greater than a biological family’s possible interactions. That’s why family therapists and stepfamily educators Emily and John Visher point out that stepfamilies don’t have a family tree, they have a family forest! This complex forest simply takes time to integrate—and time requires patience.

A conference participant once asked me what he could have done differently to build a relationship with his stepdaughter. He described how he took his new twelve-year-old stepdaughter out shopping and to get ice cream whenever possible. He asked her what activities she liked doing and then made sure they did them together. In his words, “I tried and tried, but she never warmed up to me, so I gave up.” A bit bewildered (he had done a lot of things right), I asked for more information. He had become this girl’s second stepfather after her mother divorced a second husband. The girl’s biological father was uninvolved in her life, leaving a deep wound in her heart. Her first stepfather was aloof, distant, and critical. I suggested to the gentleman that, because of them, he had two strikes against him when he married her mother. But the real clincher came when I asked how long he attempted to win his stepdaughter’s heart. Three months. He gave up after only three months. You see, he simply didn’t take into consideration all that this girl had been through and how long it takes for steprelationships to develop. His intentions were good. His actions were on target. He just wasn’t patient enough.

Have you ever tried to force a square peg into a round hole? Because the stepfamily is different from a biological family, you need to learn flexibility. The rituals, expectations, and assumptions our society trains us to have about family life become our square pegs that, when forced into the round stepfamily hole, just don’t fit. Becoming stepfamily smart starts with understanding the nature of your round peg and how it differs from the biological square peg. Said another way, you need stepfamily answers to stepfamily questions, not biological family answers to stepfamily questions.

What would happen if while riding a bicycle you made a 90-degree right-hand turn by turning the handlebars the same way you would a car steering wheel? You’d flip right over the handlebars and face-plant on the ground! The bicycle is a different vehicle than a car and requires different movements to steer it correctly. If you try to steer your stepfamily the exact same way you would a biological family, you’re bound to flip over a time or two. Almost immediately some rituals, styles of parenting, and expectations will work just as they do in biological families, and others will eventually work well once the family has bonded together. Other ways of relating, however, will always be different, requiring flexible handling.

One important example is the differing role of stepmoms and stepdads. Imagine a biological mother who has three children. Together they have survived the loss of their first family and made it successfully through a few single-parent years. Mom’s role is one of emotional caretaker, disciplinarian, authority, encourager, and teacher; she is also the emotional hub of the family—connected to everyone, their schedules, and their inner thoughts and experiences. But what she may discover upon becoming a stepmom is that her stepchildren don’t want or need her to be those things for them. To them she is an outsider, not the insider emotional hub of their family or personal life. So what is her role? She is still Mom to her children (insider), but she’s confused about her role with her stepchildren (outsider). If she doesn’t learn flexibility she will try to force a mom-like role with her stepchildren, which will likely lead to less cooperation and acceptance from them. We’ll talk more about stepparenting in a later chapter, but for a deeper dive into the roles of stepmoms and stepdads in particular, read my books The Smart Stepmom (with Laura Petherbridge) and The Smart Stepdad.

In the midst of a chaotic moment, humor is definitely the best medicine for stepfamilies. Humor brings a perspective that helps you to step back from the crisis or circumstance and see it in a whole new light. In fact, you might even enjoy a good laugh.

I often reference two cartoons that make this point clear. The first pictures a man reading a piece of mail to his wife. “It’s bad news, Anne,” he says. “The traffic judge assigned to our case is my first wife.” Clearly, unless he has an incredibly grace-filled relationship with his ex-wife, this couple is in trouble. Is it funny? Not really. But finding the ability to chuckle just a little might relieve their hearts from excessive worry and anxiety. The second cartoon pictures two young children standing in the front yard. The little girl is pointing at the boy, reminding him, “No, your dad cannot beat up my dad because your dad is now my dad, remember?”

Incidentally, that cartoon took on new meaning when I applied it to Jesus—the most famous stepchild who ever lived. Think about it: He wasn’t raised by his natural father. Was Joseph his stepdad? Yes, it is a unique circumstance, but you still can’t avoid the fact that the Creator of the universe entrusted his Son to be raised by a man who was not his biological father. Picture Jesus as an eight-year-old talking to his stepsiblings: “Oh no, believe me, your dad cannot beat up my Dad!”

Learning to laugh at yourself and your circumstances is not about denying problems or responsibilities. It is about not taking yourself or life too seriously so you can gain perspective on your circumstances.

How many of the key stepping-stones does your family possess now? Just where is your stepfamily in this journey to the Promised Land? Are you just beginning, toward the end, or somewhere in the middle? I’m sure you have definite ideas, but your children may view it differently. As I mentioned earlier, there are similarities in how persons experience their family life, but the differences in stepfamilies can be profound because each person in the stepfamily has traveled a different path to where they are now.

Patricia Papernow has developed the travelogue as an effective tool that helps stepfamilies listen and understand one another.[6] The technique is based on the notion that if people in your family went to a foreign country for a month, upon their return you would probably ask them for a travelogue, that is, the story of their journey. You’d ask where they ate, what food they liked, what famous sites they saw, what was most exciting or disappointing, and so on. You’d want to know what the journey was like for them. Showing interest in each family member’s biological, single-parent, and stepfamily journey affirms the person’s experience and can teach you what it is like to be him or her.

At a family meeting, ask each person to share his or her travelogue, a personal account of their stepfamily journey. Remember, the task is to maintain enough curiosity (“tell me more”) and empathy (“that must be tough”) in the face of differences and disappointments so that each person is able to share joys, pains, heartaches, and experiences without fear of retaliation or rejection. As people share, everyone must maintain a non-defensive attitude. Focus on listening, not defending yourself. If one or more family members cannot listen openly, you might consider breaking into smaller groups, perhaps even one-on-one, to walk through the exercise with more emotional safety. The purpose of the travelogue is to listen and understand one another better, and to invite family members to hear the desires of each other’s hearts. This also facilitates bonding and compassion for one another. When done with respect and openness, family members move toward one another.

To begin, say something like, “You know, everyone in our family has traveled a long way to get to where we are. And even though we’re in the same family, we’ve probably traveled different paths to get here. Maybe we could share what it’s been like so far. Starting with your first family and the single-parent years, let’s all take turns and talk about what this journey has been like until now. The rest of us will listen just as if we’re listening to someone who’s been to a foreign land. We’ll ask questions and try to imagine what it must have been like for whoever is talking.”[7]

Once you’ve opened the door to honesty and understanding by sharing your travelogue, keep the conversation going by giving the children a chance to share. Once someone starts telling their travelogue, don’t stop or interrupt them. Follow their lead. Here are some questions that might help:

The travelogue exercise can be repeated in your home over time. Family meetings are the perfect time to ask questions and be updated on everyone’s travels. Biological parents might also find one-on-one time with each child to discuss their current travelogue.

The journey to the Promised Land is not always an easy one, but then again, few significant endeavors in life are easy. In this chapter I’ve suggested that maintaining key attitudes and qualities—stepping-stones—will advance your journey in the Lord.

I have sought in this chapter to give you hope on your journey. In the next section we will examine seven smart steps that nearly all stepfamilies must take to reach the Promised Land. The dynamics of stepfamily life can be challenging, but they are not impossible. Keep stepping.

FOR PARENT-CHILD DISCUSSION (Discretion based on the age of the child and the quality of adult-child relationships is advised.)