The Smart Stepfamily

Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.

Every family, including the stepfamily, is founded on the marital relationship. Yet the complexity of stepfamily life makes nurturing the marital relationship a tremendous challenge. Caution: It is easy for your marriage to get lost in the stepfamily forest, and without a strong marriage your entire family falls apart. As stepfamily educators and friends Gil and Brenda Stuart say, “If you ain’t got the marriage, you ain’t got nothing.”[1]

The divorce rate in America is generally considered to be around 50 percent. However, a recent book by Shaunti Feldhahn calls this assumption into question. In The Good News About Marriage she accurately points out that while researchers predict that 40–50 percent of all marriages will end in divorce, the actual number of marriages that have divorced (referred to as the “current” divorce rate) is much lower; only 31 percent of all marriages have divorced (25 percent of first marriages and 34 percent of remarriages).[2] That really is good news.

The divorce rate specifically among stepfamily partners, while difficult to calculate exactly because of little research, seems to be considerably higher. Whether preceded by divorce, the death of a spouse, or a non-marital birth, I estimate that at least one-third of all weddings conducted in America today give birth to a stepfamily (it actually might be closer to 40 percent)[3] and that the current divorce rate for stepcouples is around 40–45 percent (most occur within five years).[4] Another way to view the impact of this statistic is through the eyes of children. A significant percentage of all children will watch their parents divorce at some time; half of those children will watch at least one parent divorce a second time.

Without question the stepcouple divorce rate is higher than the divorce rate of first marriages. But why? I believe the intersection of marital dynamics and complex stepfamily relationships, including issues around stepparenting, cause family stress that eventually erodes marital trust and commitment. To protect your marriage from this negative force you must get smart about managing the dynamics between you and surrounding you. That is the focus of this chapter.

The beautiful story of Genesis 2 is of a God who provided a partner for man and for woman. Two people who would complete each other, share intimacy, work side by side in child rearing, and reflect God’s love to each other. The mystery of marital oneness (Ephesians 5:31–32) was created by God for humankind. Marriage was created with purpose.

From the beginning God was at the center of the marital relationship. He was the focal point for Adam and Eve’s relationship, giving purpose and instruction for life. Marriage, like all of God’s activity in this world, is meant to usher people into relationship with him. He loves us with his whole heart and desires to be known by us. Marriage, then, is about knowing God and sharing his love with another, who, in turn, loves us in such a way that we are drawn toward God. In fact, the closer we draw to God as individuals, the closer we come to our mates; the closer we become in marriage, the more intimate we become with God.

This spiritual intimacy is at the heart of Christian marriage and forms the basic divine purpose of marriage for all times, places, and cultures. Healthy, growing marriages seek to build on this foundation. Couples who place God at the center of their relationship, whether a first, second, third, or fourth marriage, put him in charge of their wills, their choices, their money, their vocation, and their parenting. Such couples, while never achieving marital perfection, will undoubtedly experience some of God’s richest blessings. This holy love triangle has three parts: each partner’s relationship with God and their relationship with each other.

Loving God involves everything we are and have—our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Loving each other involves romantic affections, committed love, and a host of other practical life skills and qualities, including trust, a sense of companionship, a satisfying sexual relationship, and healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. It is beyond the scope of this book to address all the areas of a healthy marriage. For that I would point you to The Smart Stepfamily Marriage by David H. Olson and me; it provides a comprehensive look at marriage in a stepfamily based on the largest survey of stepcouples ever conducted (a study guide for groups is also available).

I will focus here on two key barriers to marital oneness in stepfamilies that, I believe, account for the higher divorce rate in stepfamily marriages. Drawing upon the love of God and loving each other through these barriers will greatly strengthen your marriage and help it to grow and mature.

To strengthen your couple relationship, attend a general marriage enrichment class, workshop, or conference every year.
In addition, attend a class or conference for stepfamily couples to specifically confront the stressors of stepfamily living.

God’s design for the family includes a man and a woman beginning their marriage by separating from their families of origin. As the two “leave father and mother” emotionally, financially, and psychologically and “be joined” to each other, a foundation is laid for their new home (see Genesis 2:18–25). The marriage relationship is established before children are born and continues as the foundation to the home throughout the child-rearing years. Scripture affirms the necessity of what some have called a honeymoon period as the couple solidifies their relationship: “When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken” (Deuteronomy 24:5). But stepfamily couples don’t have this bonding time. In fact, because parent-child relationships are bonded by blood and have more history, the marital relationship, instead of being the strongest bond in the home, is often the weakest.

The normal progression in a first marriage is for the couple’s relationship to broaden from one characterized by romance before children to one of partnership after children. Without a honeymoon period, stepfamily couples are forced to negotiate their partnership at the same time they are solidifying their romance. Needless to say, the process is complicated, and frequently the couple’s personal relationship gets lost in the stepfamily forest.

The challenge for stepfamily couples, then, is to make their relationship a top priority and position it as the foundation of the home. This does not mean de-prioritizing children or neglecting them. “Wait a minute,” said Carrie. “You mean I have to put my husband before my children? I understand your point, but they are my flesh and blood. He’s just someone I picked up alongside the road somewhere.” Her tongue-in-cheek meaning was evident, but so was her fear. “I can’t do that to my kids. I don’t ever want them to think I love him more than I love them.”

Her statement calls attention to a number of legitimate fears for biological parents that new spouses/stepparents must understand. First, children suffer significantly when a parent dies or their parents divorce, and biological parents feel guilty because of it. Guilt is a powerful emotion that can easily motivate parents to protect their children from future pain. This effort to protect children can take on many different forms both before and after a stepfamily is formed. Shielding a child from inconvenience, letting them off the hook from consequences, preventing a stepparent from having an equal say in parenting decisions, monitoring the amount of contact between stepsiblings, and controlling money so that children don’t go without are just a few examples. Many of these inadvertently align the child with the biological parent to the detriment of the parent-stepparent (and marital) relationship. This is very dangerous to the long-term viability of the family. Gary and Emily know what I mean.

Gary’s sixteen-year-old stepdaughter, Amy, walked into the kitchen while he was fixing dinner. He politely asked her to set the table while he finished the meal. She ignored him. A second time he asked, and this time all he got in return was a halfhearted, “I’ll do it in a minute.” Ten minutes later she showed no indication of helping, so he repeated his request, this time with tension in his voice. Amy’s mother, Emily, walked into the room just as he was raising his voice. At first, Emily remembered how important it was to support Gary, so she gave Amy “the look.” Amy grudgingly responded. Later, as the family sat down to eat, Gary made a snide comment about how Amy had forgotten the knives. Emily came unglued. “Why do you have to criticize her like that? Can’t you just leave well enough alone?” Gary felt that Emily was once again taking Amy’s side and became resentful. In an instant Gary’s conflict with Amy became Gary’s conflict with Emily and ended when he slammed the front door and shouted something about divorce.

Stepfamily couples can learn two things from this story. First, aligning with each other as a couple is delicate sometimes, so hold on to the “little victories.” Emily’s initial support of Gary’s request was a step in the right direction. But Gary, when he pushed for a big victory with a comment about forgetting the knives, turned the situation into a big defeat. Gary should not have criticized Amy’s effort at the dinner table. He could have voiced his concern to his wife later (behind closed doors), and together they could have decided on a standard of conduct for the future. Later he confessed that his comment grew out of his frustration that she hadn’t accepted him as her stepfather and because she refused to honor his authority. He should have settled for the “little victory.” Little victories or big defeats.

Second, Emily’s initial effort to support Gary was short-circuited by her need to protect Amy from more harm. Emily’s divorce had been difficult, and Amy got caught in the marital conflict often. Emily could have expressed her feelings about Gary’s negative comment behind closed doors or done so at the table without attacking, but she lost her ability to respond appropriately when her allegiance to Amy took over.

Let me point out that conflict over loyalty to children is not unique to modern-day stepfamilies. In Genesis 16 and 21, we read how Abraham, on more than one occasion, got caught in the jealousy and competition of Sarah and Hagar. Sarah even approached Abraham and insisted he cut his son Ishmael out of the will because he was born to Hagar. “Cast out this slave woman with her son, for the son of this slave woman shall not be heir with my son Isaac” (21:10). She was protecting Isaac’s interests and insisted that Abraham put her first. But the decision wasn’t so easy for him. The Scripture goes on to say that “what Sarah said upset Abraham very much. After all, Ishmael was his son” (21:11 NIRV).

Stepfamily couples experience countless instances where the biological parents feel caught between their spouse and their children. Perhaps it is a decision over what treat the family will pick up after Bible class. The kids want ice cream from Baskin Robbins, but your spouse wants pie from Perkins. Any one time this happens may not feel significant, but repeated over time choices like this feel like a statement of loyalty and priority. If you choose to get pie for your spouse, your children may feel slighted and get angry. If you choose ice cream, your spouse may complain. Either way, biological parents feel like they can’t win for losing. We’ll return to how to handle this situation in a moment.

Eventually biological parents must make choices that elevate the status of the stepparent, and more important, the couple as a unit. Ice cream or pie is not the issue; it is whether the marital team leads the home or not. The real culprit driving the barrier of parent-child allegiance is when biological parents refuse to take whatever risks are necessary in order to move their spouse and marriage into a position of leadership. What risks are involved? Making children angry, upsetting the delicate balance between households, and giving an ex-spouse a foothold to use against you in court. Or it could be feeling guilty about bringing a stepparent and stepsiblings into the child’s life, or even emotionally investing in the new marriage.

Notice that it’s the biological parent who ultimately has the responsibility to elevate the status of the stepparent and the marriage in the family. If they don’t, it probably won’t happen. I’ll say more about that later, but first, let’s recognize that stepparents with the wrong attitude can make this process even more difficult.

The parent-child allegiance coin has another side. Biological parents can feel resentful when stepparents pile on guilt trips or turn every little instance into a major issue.

Jennifer wrote to me, complaining that her husband focused too much on his daughter when she came to visit. At first I thought, Yes, that’s a common problem for fathers who see their children infrequently each month. She then described how the daughter had the gall to ask her father to take her to an art gallery—alone. The stepmother felt that the daughter was intentionally pushing her out; it felt even worse that her husband gave consideration to the request. At that point in reading her email I was feeling a little sympathy for the stepmom, especially if this happened repeatedly over time.

And then I read the next portion of the email. It turns out that the daughter doesn’t visit a couple weekends a month as I had assumed, but only a couple times a year. She lives in another country. In my mind, that changed everything. Of course, the daughter and the dad want to make the most of their time together; of course, there is need for exclusive time together. And no, the stepmom should not be in competition for that time. After giving his daughter some focused attention, the father can orchestrate opportunities for his wife to join them, but for the stepmom to turn every minute into a competition for his loyalty is a poor choice. Rather, she should give the gift of time and permission for them to be together.

Share your torn-in-two feelings with your spouse; reassure them that the marriage is your ultimate priority.
Try to balance time and energy with each; don’t keep score, splitting every hair.
If you have different opinions about how time should be spent, extend grace to each other and try to meet in the middle.

One of the problematic thoughts in both biological parents and stepparents that pits couples against each other as it relates to parent-child allegiance has to do with comparing and ranking loves. Do you remember Carrie’s comment, “I don’t ever want them to think I love him more than I love them”? The love a parent feels for a child is qualitatively different than the love a spouse feels for his/her husband or wife. Carrie’s fear is misguided because it assumes she has a certain number of love points to give away and once they’re gone, everyone else will have to do without. This simply isn’t true. God provides us with an endless supply of love.

Children often feel insecure when their parent marries and may even attempt to play the “you love him more” card to manipulate parents into choosing them. But biological parents who know they can love many people at once won’t be manipulated. Likewise, stepparents shouldn’t force their spouse into an either/or position to determine his or her dedication. They should, instead, acknowledge their personal worth in Jesus Christ, realize that during the Crockpot years children need reassurance of their parent’s love, and work with their spouse to find time together. Stepparents cannot afford to be insecure. (Stepfamilies were not made for the emotionally fragile.)

One more thought: On a couple of rare occasions over the past two decades I’ve seen children who just wouldn’t let this issue go. The “I have enough love points for both of you” response from their parent wouldn’t cut it for them. If you run into this, give them what I call “the speech” and then move on. It includes a reframing of their concern into something that might make a little more sense to them:

Because you keep bringing this up, I can tell that you need some reassurance. I do love you. You are my child and I’m committed to you for life. And I’m committed to my husband/wife for life. It’s not about who is number one in my life—you both are. Just like all of my children are equally important to me, both you and my husband/wife are equally important. You kids are the most important children in my life and he/she is the most important adult in my life. You’re both number one. I hope you can rest in that.

Even if you give “the speech” and limit comparing the amount of love you have for spouse and child, and if stepparents relax enough not to make every circumstance a life-or-death dilemma, you may still feel caught in the middle and still have to work toward elevating the status of your “us-ness” within the home.

The answer to the parent-child allegiance barrier to marital oneness is unity. Stress in a stepfamily generally divides people along biological lines. When push comes to shove, the allegiance (or loyalty) between parents and children often wins out over the marriage unless the couple can form a unified position of leadership. If they cannot govern the family as a team, the household is headed for anger, jealousy, and rejection. Unity within the couple’s relationship bridges the emotional gap between the stepparent and stepchildren and positions both adults to lead the family. If a biological parent is not willing to build such a bridge with the stepparent, the children will receive an unhealthy amount of power in the home. All they have to do is cry “unfair” and their parent protects them from the “mean, nasty” stepparent. This almost always results in marital tension, conflict, resentment, and isolation.

As discussed in chapter 2, stepfamilies are divided into “insiders and outsiders,” that is, those who are biologically related and those who aren’t.[5] Insiders have a strong bond that pulls them together in the face of stress or conflict. Outsiders often feel that they don’t belong and frequently try to force their way in. The biological parent in stepfamilies maintains relationships with both insiders (their children) and outsiders (new spouse and his or her children), and therefore, must position the stepparent as his or her teammate. Including the new spouse in parenting decisions (see chapter 7), setting a date night and keeping it, and taking a few minutes each day to connect as a couple without interruption are a few simple but significant ways to communicate the unity of the couple to the children. If the biological parent doesn’t help the outsider stepparent take a leadership position, the stepparent is likely to try to force his or her way in. This almost always results in resentment and resistance from the insiders. Again, jealousy, rejection, and anger are common resulting emotions.

Now let me balance this truth by noting that biological parents must take a “both/and” stance with their children and new spouse. They must invest time and energy in both. Early in the marriage, it is especially important to stay connected with your children, but this doesn’t mean the marriage can’t be made a priority, even in front of the children.

Returning to the ice cream or pie dilemma, I suggest that stepfamily couples purposefully choose ice cream for the kids’ sake early on and privately enjoy pie together. If the stepparent is agreeable to this solution, the couple is still unified in accommodating the children. As the Crockpot works over time, the biological parent can more overtly say no to the children while saying yes to the spouse. For example, “Sorry kids, we’re going for pie tonight.” Such a transition almost always elicits anger and insecurity from at least one child, if not all. But a stepfamily in which the couple isn’t working toward affirming the importance of their relationship before the children is one destined for mediocrity.

Waiting for this to happen is difficult for many stepparents unless you are in agreement about how to handle such matters early on and over time. I’m suggesting that early in the Crockpot you strategically choose your battles. If it’s just a decision between ice cream or pie, lean toward what the kids are used to, but if the decision is a parenting authority matter, lean toward making sure your “us-ness” wins. Try to keep in mind that biological parents in two-parent nuclear homes frequently make “ice-cream” sacrifices on behalf of their children. You must do the same. Be unified in your sacrifices for the children and make strategic choices to support your marriage.

As you can tell, the above advice requires a delicate balance of marital teamwork. It is a dance that takes harmony and practice. Now you know why I titled this smart step the “two-step.” Couples in Texas are well aware of a dance they call the two-step. Like all dances, it requires that the couple work together to stay in balance. Striving to make your marriage a top priority means balancing commitments to both the children and your spouse. As moving around the dance floor becomes more natural, greater harmony and enjoyment result. But as I’ve suggested, sometimes learning to dance means fighting some battles.

Not all stepfamilies struggle with the tug and pull of parent-child allegiance, but for most this developmental task is difficult. It takes a few to the brink of divorce.

I had been working with Jeff and his new wife, Kelly, for a few sessions when they walked in with worried looks on their faces. I had been trying to help them make room for Jeff’s fourteen-year-old daughter, Lauren, who had recently come to live with them. The transition had been difficult, to say the least. Prior to Lauren’s moving in, the couple had integrated quite well. Kelly brought four-year-old Becky to the marriage, and she had warmly accepted her stepfather. The couple enjoyed three relatively hassle-free years together—until Lauren moved in.

“Lauren wrote me this letter after our last session,” Jeff explained. Lauren was very jealous of her stepmother and had been cornering her father about his marriage. At my direction he had already talked with Lauren about how he could love her and Kelly without competition, and he reassured her that she didn’t need to be concerned about losing him. “She’s really forcing the issue now,” he said. He showed me the letter. It started with a classic adolescent manipulative tool—a guilt trip.

Listen, I’m sorry I’m such a screw-up! But I really don’t think I can do this anymore! I was thinking about what you said: It’s (1) God; then (2) your spouse; then (3) your children! I can’t live with you [believing] that the second Kelly and I get in a life-or-death situation you would save Kelly over your own flesh and blood. . . . I can’t live with you, knowing that would happen. I can’t live here knowing that you love Kelly more than me. And Kelly loves Becky more than you. And don’t tell me there are different kinds of love, ’cause you put her above me. I can’t take this anymore. I knew this girl in school who gave herself up for adoption; I really think I want to do that! I don’t want to, but it’s the only option.

Is it reasonable for a parent in this situation to be afraid? Absolutely. Everyone loses contact with someone when a family ends by death or divorce, and Jeff had lost a lot of time with his daughter. His time with her since the divorce had been very limited. Lauren had also missed her dad. The change of residence represented an opportunity for Lauren to reconnect with her dad, but now his relationship with Kelly appeared to be threatening her chances, so she resorted to guilt and threatening withdrawal to try to orchestrate closeness with her dad. (By the way, before you judge her tactics too quickly, let me note that many adults resort to guilt trips and emotional withdrawal in their marriage, too, with the hopes that they will foster closeness. They don’t.)

Before we developed a game plan, I asked the couple to put themselves in Lauren’s shoes for a moment. That was a stretch for Kelly, who only saw a manipulative teenager systematically eroding her marriage. Kelly hadn’t wanted Lauren to “invade” their home, but didn’t have much choice due to difficulties with Lauren’s mother. Kelly bristled when I suggested Lauren was frightened and simply trying to find her place in her daddy’s heart. She found it even more difficult to hear me say that neither of them should take it personally. “Please understand, Lauren didn’t ask for her parents to divorce, and she didn’t ask for you to get married. She needs some reassurance.” Kelly had to find some compassion for Lauren; the couple couldn’t afford to be divided by this maneuver or Lauren would conquer. Not taking this personally and finding compassion was Kelly’s task at this point. Jeff had to step up to bat and swing at the pitch Lauren had thrown.

And Jeff did just that. He took a “both/and” approach with Kelly and Lauren, giving personal time to each. He and Lauren spent exclusive time together and renewed their relationship. Jeff also made sure he and Kelly dated on a regular basis no matter how much Lauren complained. In addition, Jeff took a firm role in setting boundaries with Lauren and carried out the consequences even though he feared making her mad and driving her away. At one point he let her know without question that if push came to shove, his loyalties were with Kelly. But since her father had become so involved in her life as well, Lauren didn’t fear being forgotten. Eventually, with time and constant effort, Lauren backed away from competing with her stepmom.

Kelly’s role as stepparent in this situation was to avoid fighting fire with fire. It is tempting for stepparents who are being pushed out by the stepchildren to fight back by insisting their spouse choose them in all circumstances. Unfortunately, that kind of stepparent easily falls victim to insecurity and resentment if the biological parent doesn’t do just that. Kelly needed to stand tall and support Jeff as he dealt with his daughter. She needed to give him space to spend time with Lauren and reassure her of his love. She also needed to express her fears to Jeff privately and appropriately instead of with accusation and contempt. Trusting that he was on her side and giving the Crockpot time to cook were critical. Together they made it through the Sea of Lauren’s Oppositions. And so can you.

A cat that sits on a hot stove won’t ever sit on a hot stove again; neither will it sit on a cold stove.

It is human nature to view new relationships in light of previous ones. But doing so is like putting on poor quality sunglasses that are tinted yellow or black—everything you see has a yellow or black hue. Viewing a current relationship through a previous marital lens (and family-of-origin lens) sometimes leads to negative assumptions and expectations. Specific behaviors can also be interpreted negatively. If these assumptions are not examined or the lens not taken off, a new marriage can easily be colored by the experiences of the first (or previous). That’s why it’s critical that people take time to heal and resolve the ending of their marriage, whether by death or divorce, before jumping into another relationship. The circumstances of the loss (death or divorce) make a difference in how long someone should wait before dating, but in general I recommend individuals wait at least two to three years before beginning a serious relationship. All too often, however, people rebound from one failed marriage into another and take their tinted glasses with them. When circumstances in the new marriage remind someone of negativity in a previous marriage, the person becomes frightened and reactive. This second barrier to marital oneness in the stepfamily is what we might call being haunted by the ghost of marriage past.

Terri’s first husband had an affair. She came home one day to discover he had packed his stuff and moved in with a woman half his age. The fallout from this rejection was almost more than she could handle. But with the help of a supportive church family, she and her eight-year-old son survived.

Bill made her feel good again. They met through a mutual friend and hit it off right from the start. He listened to her anger, supported her through the custody battle, and helped her son with his homework. Terri found herself trusting him with more and more of her life.

After the wedding, though, Terri would ask questions if Bill didn’t come home on time. When they talked, she shared her thoughts, but not quite everything. She often felt it wise to watch her step and not become too transparent. After all, look what happened last time. When they made love, Terri offered her body to Bill, but not her passion. In other words, she was willing to meet his basic sexual need, but guarding her heart meant never fully joining her soul to his. A year into the marriage, she deemed it wise to put money in a secret bank account, just in case anything ever went wrong. Finally, Terri invested much of her time in her son, “because his father hurt him so much.” Terri was haunted, and her marriage was slowly being sabotaged by her guarded heart and cautious love.

Don’s second wife misused money. She continually forgot to record checks in the ledger, maxed out their credit cards, and bounced numerous checks. Even before the divorce, Don’s credit was ruined; he had to borrow money from his parents to buy a car for his third wife, Heather. The first time Heather forgot to record an online billpay in the ledger, Don starting sweating bullets. He withdrew emotionally and demanded control over the checkbook. Heather was granted an allowance, but all expenditures beyond that had to be preapproved by him. Taking control seemed to be the only way to prevent another bad situation. But Heather resented Don’s controlling behavior.

What’s truly ironic about being haunted by the ghost of marriage past and responding out of fear is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you treat someone as untrustworthy in spite of their efforts to love and please you, frustration is sure to set in. In his frustration, Bill found himself repeatedly trying to change his wife’s mind about his being untrustworthy; she saw this as his being defensive. I wonder what he’s trying to hide? she thought. Heather’s resentment of Don’s control became disrespect; she began pulling away emotionally and sexually.

I have a cartoon of a man shouting at his wife as she drives off with her luggage: “Marie, don’t leave me. My ex-wife will think she’s right when she says no one can live with me.” That’s a man who is married to one woman but emotionally tied to another. His divided attention has left him unable to meet his current wife’s needs and haunted by a ghost. No one can live with him.

Do you know what your ghost is? Can you recognize its voice and the fear it imposes? Maybe you have more than one. Whether you have experienced the death of a spouse or a divorce, here are some common ghosts that you might be able to relate to:

What this ghost fails to realize, of course, is that this relationship can’t be compared to the previous one. Yes, you’re the same person, but it’s the combination of two people that make up your “us-ness.” Yellow and red make orange. But yellow and blue make green. Of course, your marital color is going to be different. Judge this relationship on its own merits.

Your ghost, of course, might not sound exactly like these common examples. And that’s the point—you have to find your ghost(s). Jennifer’s first marriage was physically and verbally abusive. She never knew what to expect. “My ghost says, ‘Is he going to snap one day and become the angry man? Keep your guard up and be ready to run.’” She continued, “I still live with fear from the past. It really haunts me even though my current marriage is peaceful. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

After reading the first edition of this book, Veronica, a mid-forties remarried widow, started observing her emotional and behavioral patterns in order to identify her ghosts. She made a list of her fears and shared them with me. In her case, one of her ghosts had roots in the family she grew up in.

“Ghost #1,” she wrote in her journal. “See what happens? Husbands get sick and die. You’ll be abandoned again, and alone. Better not get too attached. Better keep some financial resources for yourself. Better act tough.”

“Ghost #2: It’s obvious that your husband doesn’t love you as much as he loves his kids. Now, here you are . . . and this after your dad left you when you were eight and wasn’t interested in you or your activities. It hurts to see your stepchildren have the love and security you always longed for but never had, doesn’t it?”

“Ghost #3: You were hoping your husband would be able to make up for what you didn’t have as a child and the horrible pain of losing your first husband. But he won’t. He’s a person with his own past, needs, and priorities. Who’s really going to take care of you?”

For many people, having an open, trusting posture toward your new spouse and treating them fairly requires becoming a ghost buster. Jennifer and Veronica can teach us a lot about ghost busting.

First, they were humble enough to look deep in the mirror at themselves, and brave enough to write down what they saw. One reason most people stay haunted is that they focus their attention on the actions of their spouse; that’s actually part of the haunting, that is, they are looking for evidence that they can’t trust their spouse, so their attention is on the other. Let me skip to the obvious at this point: There’s no doubt that you will find qualities or behaviors in your spouse that concern you. They are imperfect. Be less focused on the imperfections of your mate and focus more on becoming the person God has called you to be in the marriage. Love and trust will come much easier to both of you if you do.

A second lesson we learn from Veronica is looking beyond the ghosts of the previous marriage to the ghosts from childhood. All of us have some emotional residue coating us from childhood because our parents and families were imperfect too. Sometimes our family of origin residue is thin, sometimes very thick. But when it gets reinforced with similar experiences in marriage, it hardens into a protective coating that we must crack and shake off if we are ever to become free of it. Veronica was abandoned by her father when she was a child; her husband did the same. Even though the circumstances were very different—her father left her by choice and her husband because of an illness—her experience of abandonment, of being left alone, was the same. This theme in her life story led to the fear that it would happen again. The result? See Ghost #1. Don’t get attached (withhold yourself), keep some money (don’t invest everything you have or are into this man), and act tough (maintain your protective coating). There may be a number of character defects in Veronica’s husband, but even if he were Jesus, she wouldn’t trust him or give herself sacrificially to the marriage.

You must examine how you have been influenced by your previous relationships and strive to adjust your responses to similar circumstances. Here are some tips for recognizing your ghosts and then busting them.

If you are married to someone who is haunted by a ghost, here’s how you can help them bust it.

Spotting a ghost. I’ve often said that the answer to the question How does someone know if they have a ghost? is that their spouse will tell them! If you are feeling like something unseen is infiltrating your marriage, say so, but do so carefully. If you are feeling unfairly attacked or prejudged by your spouse, softly say something like, “I’m pretty confused about why this subject sets you off the way it does. I’m wondering if it reminds you of anything.” Let your spouse process your observation over time; if they haven’t spotted the ghost yet themselves, they may need time to make the connection. Again, be soft in your observations. Remember, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1).

Once a ghost is identified, be patient. Naming the ghost is an important first step toward change, but don’t expect your spouse to corral that thing immediately. Because change is difficult, you will see it haunting again and again as they strive to move out from under its influence. Offer support, not quick judgment. “But I shouldn’t have to suffer for the sins of their ex-spouse,” you might object. Unfortunately, marriage means we join ourselves to each other’s past—positive and negative—for better or worse; remarriage is a package deal. Stop feeling victimized and start helping.

Don’t take responsibility for their ghost. Ultimately you cannot do enough to bust their ghost; it’s their ghost and they must do the work to manage it. But here’s what you can do to be supportive:

Pray with and for your spouse. Taking ghosts to the Father together as a couple and asking for his wisdom and power to overcome can bring powerful healing. Besides enlisting the power of the Holy Spirit, praying together reminds you that you are a team attempting to chase, face, and displace the ghosts. Prayer strengthens your resolve and unites you.

Focus on improved behavior before softened emotions. The process of change for your partner requires them to “act better than they feel.” Don’t be discouraged when you notice negative emotions set off by the ghost. Instead, focus on their effort to change their responses toward you (behavior). Offer encouragement by saying, “I’ve noticed you trying to [identify the positive behavior], and I appreciate your commitment to our relationship. Your effort is bringing us closer together. Thank you.”

Ghosts are hovering, irritating pests; they are about the past. Love and service are about the present and future. That’s where you are headed. Follow God and he’ll take you there, ghost free.[7]

I would be doing all of the dating couples a disfavor at this point if I didn’t make an important observation (married couples may also find this section insightful as you consider in hindsight the origins of your relationship): Culture has a collective ghost, and it is selling you a lie on how to avoid getting stuck in a bad marriage, while still having a loving, intimate relationship. Ironically, much of it is driven by fear.

Stacy’s dating career could be described as casual. She would meet a man and throw herself into getting to know him while, in her heart, simultaneously keeping her options open. The dopamine brain-rush of meeting someone new and connecting through physical touch made her feel wanted and important, but the idea of being tied down to someone made her nervous. She often found herself caught between hope and doubt, between the accelerator and the brake, between sex and the hope that he would want to leave her apartment afterward. After a while, her relationships would fizzle; she would lose interest because the relationship just wasn’t going anywhere or the guy would tire of waiting for her to make up her mind about their future.

After being tossed aside by his wife and mother of their two children, Caleb declared to friends in his divorce recovery group, “Never again will I be hurt like that. Never again will I fall in love.” Bitterness and fear built twenty-foot walls of self-protection. Fast-forward life a few years and, to his surprise, Caleb found himself attracted to someone. He wondered if he could love and trust again. As quickly as hope would say, “Yes, you can,” fear would shift his heart into neutral. Just imagining being vulnerable made his heart tremble. The combination of Caleb’s passion for his new girlfriend and simultaneous fear of being hurt again found expression in a “stayover” arrangement. A few nights a week he would stay at her apartment; occasionally she would stay at his, but both kept their separate residences, separate rent responsibilities, and ultimately separate lives.

People like Stacy and Caleb are in a dilemma: They want to be in an intimate committed relationship but don’t want to take on the risks of marriage. Their solution? Strive for independent togetherness.[8] And they aren’t alone.

Commitment is a tough sell these days. Americans prize our national and economic independence, but now that mentality has dramatically invaded our social psyche about marriage, and it’s confusing us. We want to be with someone, but don’t want to be really with someone.

Half of U.S. residents are single (whether never married, divorced, or widowed) and nearly one-third of all households have one occupant.[9] And yet, we don’t necessarily like being alone. On one hand, we value and cherish marriage—it is still a highly sought-after goal—and yet, we fear the vulnerability it creates. Nearly three generations of people now have suffered under a high divorce rate and many have watched their parents have multiple marital or cohabiting partnerships—and breakups—creating an increasing social fear and distrust of marital relationships. In this collective fear, we’ve drifted toward dating strategies that supply the benefits of marriage while protecting us from potential pain. Essentially we have normalized a variety of dating arrangements, such as cohabitation and “stayover” relationships that allow us to have sex while at the same time hiding from the risks of permanent commitment. Taking off clothes is how one hides. Carelessly, we are hiding naked.

Relationships that make independent togetherness the primary guiding force behind the level of investment from each person remain surface and, ironically, vulnerable. Noted family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said, “Marriage, like a submarine, is only safe if you get all the way inside.” I say it this way: When I am protecting me from you there can’t be an “us.”

The dark hole inside independent togetherness is fear. Sex becomes the hiding place, an external behavior that gives the appearance of intimacy, but is really striving for self-protection. Let’s consider this observation by comparing it to marital sex. One function of marital sex is renewing the emotional bond of the couple and reminding them of their covenant to each other. From within the safety of permanence, the couple is free to engage in sexual touch that sustains and reinforces the specialness and safety of their relationship.

Outside of marriage, sex has a very different function: It creates a pseudo-bond between the couple that blurs the definition of their developing relationship and confuses physical closeness for emotional safety. Couples with little foundation to their relationship can be fooled into thinking they have more in the bank with each other than they really do. Physiologically we can explain it this way: The hormone oxytocin, sometimes called the cuddle hormone, facilitates bonding in mammals (e.g., between a mother and her newborn child). It is also released when couples are affectionate and escalates dramatically after orgasm, especially in men. In short, it makes you feel connected even when there is no substance to a relationship. Couples having sex outside of marriage are quite possibly writing checks with their lives based on a bankrupt account. In the end, they get hurt and waste a lot of time on a quick but shallow high.

But then, who cares? At least you have a little fun and don’t open yourself to soul-level rejection that way, right? Wrong.

In a blind act of self-sabotage, sexuality in dating is not viewed by today’s culture as something that contributes to vulnerability; rather, the assumption is that you can enjoy it while maintaining your separateness. You can have your cake and eat it too.

But this line of thinking is completely faulty. Independent togetherness strategies actually foster pain when what seemed to be real turns out not to be. Sometimes dating couples figure this out and break up (because “he just wasn’t the one”), while other couples don’t realize what has happened until they have already married and discover they really don’t know—or like—each other. Either scenario is completely avoidable.

What is needed is the courage to date well (intelligently and romantically) and make a clear decision for marriage so that each person takes responsibility for leaping into the deep end of the pool. There are, of course, no guarantees of long-term marital success. Intimacy is inherently risky. But without the courage to take risks, love will remain a distant dream.

Here are some quick tips to help you avoid an independent togetherness dating arrangement. For more, read my book Dating and the Single Parent.

Date with an eternal purpose in mind. Recognize that one ultimate purpose of marriage is to further disciple us into the image of Christ. This reality should change everything. Pursue relationships that keep you connected to God, not withdrawing from him in shame.

Get healthy. Does your relationship history testify to the presence of fear in your life? Have you settled for independent togetherness relationships in order to “play it safe”? If this section has you examining yourself, take it before the Lord and ask the Spirit to help you to get healthy. Peel away the layers of your emotions and see what the Lord wants to redeem in you so you aren’t paralyzed by it any longer.

Take off the blindfold. If you have been hiding naked in sexuality, it’s time to move back to sexual purity until marriage. Even if you’re in a cohabiting situation and regularly engaging in sex, it’s time to stop. The only way to recover an objective perspective about the health of your relationship—and more important, about your true priorities—is to remove the mirage that sex before marriage produces. This level of obedience is very difficult and at times costly (e.g., increasing couple conflict), but I’ve never known anyone who regretted it (even if the other pulls away in anger because of your obedience—then their true motives have been revealed and you, ironically, are less vulnerable to disappointment).

Maintaining a desire for the best in your dating life—and in your future marriage—starts by trusting that God has your best interests in mind when it comes to his boundaries around sex. God knows what a powerful force our sexuality is. After all, he designed it. By declaring sexual intimacy before marriage a sin, he is not being a simpleton or killjoy; he is trying to protect you from a shallow relationship and personal pain. The only question is, do you trust his motives and his insight? Saving sex till after marriage protects the objectivity of your dating, ripens your commitment to each other, and after marriage becomes a symbol of marital oneness that blossoms into a pleasurable celebration of love. That’s worth waiting for.

Choose to risk, choose to love. At the end of the day, there are no guarantees in love. We live in a fallen world and you and I are fallen, imperfect people. Because of that, being in a loving relationship sometimes hurts. Marriage, to be successful, needs to be an all-in experience. Dating, on the other hand, is progressively moving toward the all-in experience. Each new depth requires a little more openness, a little more trust, a little more risk. To pull up short of the risk required is to revert back to hiding. If you find the relationship unsafe at the new depth, then by all means, pull back. But then again, maybe a lack of willingness to risk has made it seem unsafe.

Knowing when to risk and when to pull back is never easy. One thing is sure: Love that is motivated by self-preservation never matures into selfless love, and independent togetherness dating relationships never find oneness. If you are dating, this is one ghost you must bust.

Marriage is tough under any circumstance. Stepfamily marriages can fall prey to the common issues of escalating conflict over money, sex, and in-laws just like all other marriages, yet it’s the unique stepfamily challenges that are so insidious for many couples. That’s why stepfamily couples must make their relationship a priority and must work harder—and smarter—at their marriage than anyone else.

The above barriers can quickly or subtly destroy a marriage, especially when they work in concert with one another and compound their impact. For example, why would a wife want to make her husband a priority and risk alienating her children when she is haunted by a ghost of mistrust? If she’s not sure her husband will be there in two years, why not stick closer to her kids? After all, they’re not going anywhere. Truly, the risk of marriage is vast. But so are the rewards for those who keep God at the center of their relationship and love like they have nothing to lose.

FOR PARENT-CHILD DISCUSSION (Discretion based on the age of the child and the quality of adult-child relationships is advised.)

While conducting pre-stepfamily counseling, I asked a couple what ghosts might be haunting them. They, like most couples before marriage, quickly dismissed the possibility. “I’ve got a decent relationship with my ex, and he just lets the stuff with his ex roll off his back,” she said. He agreed, “Yeah. I just put things behind me and go on. I don’t let it affect me much.” I doubted that and was soon proven correct.

Within five minutes the couple was arguing about a current issue in which each felt the other was acting like someone from his or her past. The truth is this: We don’t want to believe that previous relationships will impact our future ones, but they do—especially if we deny the ghosts that haunt us. Give careful attention to the following questions and honestly identify your ghosts: