GOODBYE, Rachel.
Landon’s last words to me before he drove away…they keep playing over and over in my head, and with every second that passes, I can feel the distance between us stretching, growing wider, triggering a frantic desire to run after him, to tell him I was wrong, that he’s everything I want, everything I need.
You can’t give me what I want.
Regret floods me, deep and painful, at the thought that I said those words to him.
I could have told him what I really wanted. I could have told him that I am in love with him, and I would have, but I knew what his reaction would be. He told me himself.
As soon as a woman starts to demand more than I can give, I walk away.
He would have walked away from me too, and I wouldn’t have been able to bear it.
I did the right thing, I tell myself desperately. Being without Landon is a better option than being in love with a man who would never love me. Being without him is a better option than having to pretend that I don’t want more than he does, that I’m not aching for something deeper.
Being without him is a better option than waiting helplessly for the day he’ll tell me he’s done with me.
Only right now, it doesn’t feel like a better option. It feels like torture. It is agony, squeezing at my insides, tearing at my heart, and leaving scars I’m certain will never go away.
My memories don’t help. Landon is everywhere in my head. The first time I saw him at the Swanson Court hotel, the elevator doors slid open to reveal the last thing I’d expected to see on the other side: a man with the physical perfection of a Greek god and such undeniable sexual magnetism. Without even touching me, he’d made me forget everything but how attracted to him I was. He thought I was a hooker, and I played along. The result was the most intense sexual experience of my life up to that point.
I remember Landon at his club, letting me think he still believed I was a hooker, then the next day in my boss’s office… I almost smile at the memory. “I want to fuck you again,” he’d said. I’d been so angry, and yet, despite all my best intentions, I ended up in his office, half-naked on his desk, surrendering my body to his expert touch, letting him have his pleasure and taking mine, because when I was with him, it was impossible to deny that my body was totally his.
So many memories, all of them painful now-how long will it be before I stop thinking about him?
Staring unseeing at the door to my apartment, I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands. I have no idea how long I’ve been standing here, but I can’t seem to bring myself to unlock the door, to step over the threshold and go on with life…life without Landon Court.
I wish I could find a way to erase the last thirty minutes. I want to avoid the aching emptiness growing inside me. I want, more than anything, to regain the physical connection and the pleasure of being with Landon—not the man everybody sees, the billionaire hotelier and ruthless businessman the press makes him out to be, but the man I’d glimpsed inside, the man Landon Court really is, the caring, sensual, and incredibly gorgeous man who, from the very first, made me feel things, both physical and emotional, that I never knew I was capable of.
The man I now have to live without.
Isn’t this what you wanted? The voice in my head is harsh and taunting. Why else would you tell him you want more than he can give? Why else would you agree to meet with your ex? You wanted to show Landon you didn’t care. You wanted to leave on your own terms, not as one of the women he had to walk away from because they wanted ‘more than he could give.’
If it’s what I want, then why is it tearing me to pieces?
Goodbye, Rachel.
“He can’t give you what you want,” I whisper to myself, trying to find even the slightest sliver of strength inside. “You’re in love with him. He walks away from women who want commitment. You’re doing the right thing ending it now.”
The pep talk works somewhat. I take a deep breath and unlock the door to the apartment I share with my cousin Laurie. It’s a small place, comfortably furnished, my home and sanctuary, and yet, right now all it does is remind me of Landon. He was only here a few times—to pick me up for a night at the theater, to spend the night with me, in my bed, drugging me with his touch, making me lose myself in the kind of pleasure only he could give—but he has left his mark somehow, the same way he’s left a mark on my heart.
Closing the door behind me, I lean back on it and will my thoughts to find another direction, something else to focus on instead of Landon Court. At that moment, Laurie emerges from her room. She’s already dressed for bed in a thigh-length t-shirt. The name of her boyfriend, Brett’s gym is written on the front in big, bright lettering. Her curly hair is in a long braid, and as always, it’s difficult to look at her without being reminded of how physically striking she is.
There is a touch of sadness on her face. It’s been there since Brett told her they needed ‘some time apart.’ That and the t-shirt clue me in to the fact that she’s probably having a bad day.
“You’re back.” She smiles, then she sees my face and the smile disappears. “Rach.” Her voice rises in alarm. “What’s wrong?”
Her concern makes tears rise in my eyes again. I’d like to tell her there’s nothing wrong, because what’s the point in compounding her pain with mine, but I’ve never been able to lie to Laurie. She knows me too well.
“Hi.” My voice is shaky.
“What happened?” she asks, coming toward me.
I shake my head, words catching in my throat.
“Hey.” Laurie puts an arm around me. “It’s going to be okay, whatever it is.”
No, it won’t. “I need to lie down,” I manage, pulling away and heading to the solace of my room. She follows me, watching from the door as I toss my bag on my chair and collapse crosswise on my bed, my eyes on the ceiling. In the dimness of the room, I give in to the tears, doing nothing to stop them from sliding down the side of my face.
“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Laurie’s voice is gentle. “Did Landon do something?”
I don’t answer. Inside, there is another surge of pain, followed by the now familiar temptation to go back to him and let him know that I was wrong, that I can’t live without him and I don’t want to try.
Goodbye, Rachel.
Laurie comes over to lie down beside me. She doesn’t say anything, but the silence is soothing. We lie side by side for a long while, saying nothing. I wonder if she’s thinking about Brett. The thought that we’re both nursing broken hearts is infinitely depressing.
It was your choice to walk away, I tell myself, willing the tears to stop. It doesn’t work. I should be able to let him go, I think miserably. We were never going to last forever anyway. We weren’t even supposed to last this long. It should have been just one night. It should have ended the moment I walked out of his apartment without leaving my number.
It should have ended when we returned from that week in San Francisco. It should have ended before I got to the point where I fell so hard for him, but I’d wanted him too much, and he’d been so relentless in his seduction and in his unwillingness to let me go. Now, even though I’ve tried to convince myself that I can live with whatever part of himself he gives me, I know I can’t. I want more. I’ll always want more—more than he can give, more than he wants to give.
“I shouldn’t have fallen in love with him,” I say softly, breaking the silence in my room. My voice is still breaking, and my eyes are stinging. “It was too soon, and we agreed that it was going to be just sex.”
“You don’t get to choose when, or how, or with whom to fall in love,” Laurie whispers, her voice gentle. “Sometimes it just happens and before you know it, you’re reeling.”
I am reeling. I draw in a shaky breath, fighting a new flood of tears. “After Jack, I should have learned to be more in control of my feelings. I don’t want to be that girl who repeats the same mistakes with men.” I’d thought I was in love with Jack Weyland, my ex. I still remember the hurt I felt when two years ago, Jack responded to my confession that I loved him with outright dismissal, but that hurt is nothing compared to the devastation I’m feeling now.
“Don’t beat yourself up about it,” Laurie sighs. “You fell for Landon, and there was an emotional connection. It’s only natural that your feelings grew.” She squeezes my hand. “What happened exactly? Do you want to talk about it now?”
As soon as a woman starts to demand more than I can give, I walk away.
I close my eyes. She warned me—what seems now like a long time ago—that I wouldn’t be able to bear being in love and not knowing for sure that Landon felt the same. I swallow through the tightness in my throat. “I couldn’t take it anymore, Laurie. I tried…but I just couldn’t bear not knowing—or rather, knowing he would never allow himself to feel anything for me.”
Laurie turns to her side, facing me. “Did you tell him you’re in love with him?”
I shake my head. I’ve imagined telling Landon countless times. I’ve imagined confessing my feelings to him, but in my head, I always see his eyes cloud with pity and regret, and I hear his lips form the words to convey how sorry he is, how he doesn’t feel the same.
“What would be the point?” I close my eyes. “He’ll just walk away, like he has from every other woman who ever wanted him to commit.”
“You don’t know that for sure,” she points out.
“Actually, I do.” I wish I didn’t. I wish I could have stayed blissfully unaware that there was no point in loving Landon. I wish I didn’t know, without a doubt, that our affair could only end one way—with Landon telling me he’s done with me.
“So…you just left without giving him a reason?”
“No, I…”
You can’t give me what I want.
I exhale softly. “I told him I wanted more than he was willing to give.”
There’s a long pause from Laurie. “But he doesn’t know what you want exactly.” She sounds confused. “And you’ve never bothered to ask him what he’s ‘willing’ to give.”
I don’t answer.
“Rachel,” she murmurs. “Do you ever think that maybe the fear of rejection is costing you more than anything you might lose if you’re frank with him about your feelings?”
As much as I’d like to cling to the fantasy that telling Landon I love him would make any difference, I can’t allow myself to be so foolish. I wipe my eyes with the back of one hand. “It’s not the fear of rejection,” I tell Laurie. “It’s the reality of the man. I’d be a fool to continue to hope for a happy ending that’s never going to happen.”
“So that’s it?” She sounds almost as sad as I am. “It’s over?”
It’s over. The finality of those words rip through my body, and I fight back the surge of panic. It’s over. It’s over.
“Yes,” I whisper.
Laurie is silent. She squeezes my hand lightly. “I’m so sorry,” she says gently. “But, I still think you should have told him how you feel. It’s only fair that you let him know what you want from him.”
I pull my hand from hers. “Maybe what I want is a man who would be willing to fight for me. Maybe I want a man who wouldn’t walk away as soon as I indicate that I want something more from him, or accuse me of…” I trail off, my mind going back to Landon’s reaction to my phone conversation with Jack.
Laurie rises from the bed and leans on her elbow.
“Accuse you of what?” she asks, clearly prepared to hate Landon on my behalf if he has dared to say anything unfair.
I sigh. I purposely kept silent about the part Jack played in my argument with Landon. Laurie’s reaction to anything that involves Jack is never positive—not that I blame her. Right now I’m not feeling very good-natured toward Jack, even though nothing that happened tonight was his fault, really.
“Jack called me while we were on our way back,” I admit. “He asked me to get a drink with him tomorrow, and I agreed. Landon didn’t like it.”
Laurie doesn’t reply. Her dislike for Jack is intense, and she never pretended to support my friendship with him after he dumped me.
“I’m trying to understand,” she says slowly, “but I can’t. Why on Earth would you do that?”
I close my eyes. I’ve been torturing myself with the same question. “I don’t know… Maybe I wanted a reaction. Maybe I wanted him to see that my life isn’t all about hanging on to him, that I could walk away too, if I wanted.”
“With Jack?” Laurie makes a frustrated sound. “Clearly you didn’t get the reaction you wanted.”
If you’d rather be with your ex, you don’t have to conjure up vague reasons why we shouldn’t be together. Just let me know and I won’t stop you.
My eyes are aching with unshed tears, and right now, I just want to close them and try to forget everything. “Does it matter?” I sigh. “It’s over anyway.”
Laurie gets up from the bed and stands at the side, looking down at me with her hands on her hips. The light from the open door illumines her face, and I can see the frown of disappointment on her brow.
“I don’t understand you, Rach.” She walks to the door, and then comes back to the side of the bed. “If you want Landon to commit to a real relationship, why not just tell him?” She throws up her hands. “I don’t know. Maybe deep inside, Jack is who you really want to be with.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Laurie.”
“Am I being ridiculous?” She snorts. “You let Jack keep you on a string for two years—two years of your fucking life. Now you’re letting him come between you and Landon, who, from what I’ve seen, cares more about you than Jack ever did.”
I don’t have the energy to argue. “Laurie, this is not about Jack.”
“From where I’m standing…” She makes a gesture of exasperation. “I don’t know what kind of hold he has on you!” she exclaims. “Maybe you should call him now and tell him that you’re available again, that you’re still in love with him, and that you’re ready to take whatever crumbs he throws your way. It’s better than pretending you’re ready to move on with someone else.” She shakes her head. “I’m going to bed. Enjoy your date tomorrow.”
I watch her stalk out of my room. She’s so wrong about Jack, because he’s the least important thing to me right now. I close my eyes and immediately, I see Landon’s face in my mind, hear his voice saying those words that make me want to weep.
Goodbye, Rachel.
I find a pillow to bury my face in and curl up into a ball. You made the right decision, I tell myself. One day, you’ll get over him.
There’s no consolation in that, and I’m still crying when I finally fall asleep.