I love fall in New York. I love the crisp air, brilliant colors, clear skies, and beautiful sunsets—but today, as the car from the airport comes to a stop outside my building, I hardly notice those things.
Once again, I’ve walked away from the man I love, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. I still feel a strange kind of certainty from baring my feelings to Landon, but I can’t help wishing things had turned out differently.
But they didn’t. Landon reacted to my confession that I was in love with him not with pity and regret as I’d feared or reciprocation as I’d hoped, but with the fear that somehow, he was going to hurt me.
That meant something, at least. It meant I could hope, meant maybe, just maybe, he could conquer whatever fears from his past made him reluctant to commit to me the way I was committed to him.
Now I only have to wait. Sometimes, holding on is not the answer. Sometimes you have to let go and let love find a way to work. If Landon’s feelings for me are strong enough for him to want to build something with me, he knows where to find me. If he chooses to let me go, then I’ll have no excuse to keep dwelling on him. I’ll have no choice but to move on.
And I’m strong enough to do that.
With that thought, I start to fish for the keys to my apartment inside my purse. The Swanson Court driver who picked me up at the airport is still standing at the top of the stairs, carrying my luggage. “Thank you,” I tell him with a small smile. “You can leave it here.”
He does as I say, giving me a polite nod before leaving. I let myself into the apartment, pausing at the door when I see Laurie and Brett on the couch. They’re facing each other, their heads close together and their hands clasped.
When they notice me, Brett starts to get up, still holding Laurie’s hands. His eyes are glistening with tears, contrasting with the wide, heartfelt smile on his face.
I turn a puzzled glance to Laurie, who’s also standing now, facing me. She has definitely been crying, but like Brett, she’s smiling through the tears.
“Hi Rachel,” she says softly.
Her voice tells me it’s okay to hope something has gone right. I look from her face to Brett’s, then back again. “Please tell me you’re not fighting anymore,” I whisper.
Laurie shakes her head and lets out a happy laugh. “No, we’re not.”
Taking the few steps to where she’s standing, I envelop her in a hug before turning to Brett. “Glad to see you finally got it together,” I tell him, hugging him too.
“Me too, Rach.” He returns my hug and kisses both my cheeks. His eyes are still glistening. “Thank you,” he whispers.
“I’m just so happy for you both.” I roll my eyes at Laurie. “Finally!”
“We’re going to get married,” she tells me, an edge of excitement in her voice. She releases a shaky breath, as if she doesn’t quite believe it yet. “We’re getting married,” she repeats.
I turn to Brett, my eyes wide and my mouth open. He nods in confirmation and I scream, throwing my arms around Laurie again. “Oh Laurie! I’m so happy.” Now, I’m actually crying with happiness. “Wow!” I give her a pointed look. “A lot happened while I was gone.”
Laurie giggles. “Like you wouldn’t believe.”
“I have to get back to the gym,” Brett says. He’s still grinning, his chest swelled with happiness. He bends to kiss Laurie on the forehead and she leans into him, wrapping her arms around his waist. Their intimacy and emotional connection is palpable, and I might as well not even be in the room.
After a few seconds, they reluctantly pull apart. “I’ll leave you two to catch up, and I’ll come back later,” Brett continues, his hand lingering around Laurie’s. He finally lets it drop so he can give me another quick hug before leaving.
I wait for the door to close behind him then I scream again and give Laurie another excited hug. “How did this happen?”
She sighs happily and falls back on the couch. “Where do I begin?”
“At the beginning!” I throw up my hands. “Last night, you said…you and Chadwick…” I join her on the couch. “What the fuck happened?”
She covers her face, giggling behind her hands. “I couldn’t do it.” She drops her hands and gives me a shamefaced look before shaking her head. “I just couldn’t. I went there thinking maybe I needed to get under someone else so I could get over Brett, and I was ready to. Chadwick is cute and sexy, you know?”
“Yeah…?” I shrug. “So what happened?”
“We got talking, me and Chadwick. The food was horrible, God!” She grimaces. “Anyway, we drank wine, got slightly drunk, then I started talking about Brett, and even though I knew somewhere in my head that this was a date and I was supposed to be thinking about doing the dirty with Chadwick, I just couldn’t stop talking about Brett.”
“Poor Chadwick.” I sigh. “How did he react?”
“He listened.” Laurie smiles. “He’s really sweet, isn’t he? Underneath all that I can’t wait to get into your pants swagger.”
I laugh at her description of Chadwick’s harmless flirting. “He is,” I agree.
“Anyway,” Laurie continues, “At some point, it just became clear that what I needed wasn’t some quick fix to try to get over Brett. What I really needed was to tell him how I felt, to listen to him and try to make it work.”
I hug myself. “Awww, that’s so sweet.”
Laurie swats me playfully. “Chadwick called me a cab, and on the way, I called Brett. I took my own advice and told him everything I was feeling, my fears, everything I thought he didn’t understand.” She smiles. “He came over, we fought, made up, cried…then it just kinda slipped out that he wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together. He didn’t plan to.” She holds up her hand. “See, no ring.”
I blink back tears. “I’m just glad you’re happy.”
“Me too.” Her eyes start to glisten and she blinks rapidly. “I can hardly believe how happy I am. I can’t believe I was going to throw it all away because of a stupid hug in front of a stupid diner.” She looks at me. “He explained all about that too. She left her boyfriend and moved here to escape the ‘small town life’ and she’s been incredibly lonely, struggling with the desire to move back home, trying to find reasons to stay, but she’s finally leaving, and the diner was her goodbye lunch. Brett wasn’t even the only one there from the gym. He just came out with her because he was leaving too. Everyone else was still inside.”
“Really?” I chuckle. “And you made me power walk almost the whole way home.”
“Sorry.” She gives me a sheepish look. “I feel sorry now that I didn’t listen to him, but maybe we needed to go through all that to get here.”
I sigh. “Maybe so,” I agree softly.
She takes my hand. “How did it go with Landon?”
I told him how I felt, but he couldn’t bring himself to say he feels the same way.
Because maybe he doesn’t.
“I…” I shrug. “I don’t really want to talk about it, not right now.”
Laurie gives me a long look, and for a moment, I think she’s going to insist. I really don’t want to talk about Landon. It’s not just because it would hurt me to remember, but also because I don’t want to tell her how last night went and be the one to ruin the happiness of the moment.
Thankfully, Laurie changes the subject and starts to tell me more about what she and Brett talked about through the night. She’s full of excitement and happiness, but she hasn’t slept all night, so it’s not long before she’s nodding off.
After Laurie goes off to bed, I prepare for a nap too, wondering what Landon’s reaction was when he woke up in the morning and found that I had left him yet again. When I called Tony Gillies to arrange for my return on one of the early flights back to New York, I was afraid he’d try to clear it with his boss, and some hopeful part of me expected Landon to do something, like try to stop me.
But he didn’t.
I flew back with Aidan, and even though we had a lively conversation on the plane, for some reason, we didn’t talk about Landon. It was almost as if he understood that there was something wrong, and that I would break apart at the mention of his brother’s name. In New York, a Swanson Court International town car was waiting to drive me home. During the drive to my apartment, I waited for my phone to ring, for Landon to call, to tell me something, anything to make me believe something good would come out of what I told him last night.
But there was nothing.
When I’m under the covers, my arms curled around a pillow, I allow myself to think of the way Landon held me after I told him I loved him, the way his body shook, the tenderness with which he made love to me, and the tears start to fall.
I have to face the fact that we may never end up like Laurie and Brett, because not every love story has a happy ending. Maybe his aversion to commitment will overshadow his feelings for me. Maybe he’ll choose to continue the way he always has and find someone else who would be willing to accept his terms of a commitment-free relationship, someone who wouldn’t make him face emotions he’d rather not feel.
Maybe he’ll forget about me.
Almost choking on the thought, I swallow my sobs and force myself to think of other, happier things. I close my eyes, willing myself to fall asleep, to believe that no matter what happens, I’ll be able to handle it.
Days pass, and my strength starts to falter. I don’t hear from Landon, and the longer his silence lasts, the more an empty numbness spreads inside me. Every day, Rafael picks me up from my apartment for the drive to the Gilt building, and in the evening, he’s there to pick me up again. I don’t ask him about his boss, and he doesn’t volunteer any information.
After a few days, Joe replaces him as my driver, a sure sign that Landon is back in town. The thought that he’s staying away from me even though he’s so close is almost too painful to bear. But, I continue to wait, trying to be strong, trying to convince myself that whether he comes to me or not, I can live with it.
He doesn’t come, but from all directions, I’m assailed with news about him. The media is ecstatic about the Gold Dust, and the reviews are beyond marvelous. He even makes the cover of a popular news daily. “Glitz And Glamour as Landon Court Opens New Hotel,” the headline screams, with a heartbreakingly beautiful picture of Landon on the cover.
I can’t resist reading that, as well as the numerous articles on the internet. Many of them dwell on the connection with Ava, whose family originally owned the hotel, and they pair their articles with pictures of Landon with her. Only a few of them mention me as Landon Court’s date, but why should they bother? I’m just one in the long list of ‘dates’ that have come and gone.
I read about Landon’s trip to Europe as the guest of the head of a corporate group with interests in hotels worldwide. There’s a party on a large boat, with lots of models and actresses. In the pictures, I can tell nothing from Landon’s face. As always, he maintains his detachment, his seeming lack of interest in the things going on around him, and looking at his face, I wonder if he’s thinking about me at all.
His successes continue—rumors of the acquisition of a Vegas property, a news publication publishing a retraction and apology about a negative article written about him, investors courting him…
Five days.
Without a word.
And just like that, the sliver of hope I’ve been holding on to disappears, along with the belief that what he felt for me, the things I felt in his arms, would conquer whatever held him back. I have to face the knowledge that when I walked away from his suite in San Francisco, I finally and irrevocably ended us.
EVERYONE around me is ecstatic about Laurie and Brett. I am too, but in my current state of mind, I’m not strong enough to be constantly cheerful and excited. The effort it takes to hide my pain is draining, but I have to, for Laurie.
“Your Auntie Jacie thinks we should go to Barbados for the wedding. I think it’s an excellent idea, a change of scenery for all of us. What do you think?”
I’m on the phone with my mother, and we’re having yet another conversation about the wedding. Our parents are over the moon, of course, and my mom and Aunt Jacie have made and shelved enough plans in one short week than most wedding planners make in a year.
“I would love to go to Barbados,” I tell her. If anybody needs a change of scenery, it’s probably me. Laurie’s grandmother, Auntie Jacie’s mom, lives in Bridgetown, and over the years, we’ve spent a few holidays in the Barbadian city. Having the wedding over there would mean Nana wouldn’t have to travel, and Laurie could have her wedding on one of the most beautiful beaches in the world.
“It would be lovely wouldn’t it? Taylor and Jacie will iron it all out with Brett’s parents, and we’ll make a holiday out of it.”
“Is that what Laurie wants?” I ask, knowing my mom and aunt could very well make a plan and run halfway with it before checking with Laurie. It’s just their nature.
“Yeah…” she says slowly. “I believe Jacie’s talked about it with her.”
I chuckle. “If Laurie’s okay with it, I don’t see why not.”
“Exactly!” I can tell my mom is excited at the thought. She starts to go on about plans, color schemes, flowers, and so on while I do my best to pay attention.
“Laurie told me you and Landon have run into another hiccup,” she says finally, when she’s out of other things to say.
A hiccup? I sigh. Talk about making a molehill out of a mountain. “I don’t really want to talk about it Mom.”
“Okay,” she says quickly. “But if or when you do, I’m here, all right?”
“Got it.”
We’re both silent. “Are we going ahead with the engagement party?” I ask, changing the subject.
It works. “Of course!” she exclaims. “We’re thinking next weekend, and we’ll confirm tomorrow at dinner with Brett’s parents. We’re looking forward to seeing you.”
Laurie’s dad is taking us all to dinner at his old club—the three sets of parents, Laurie, Brett, and me. Another evening of trying to be cheerful and happy when deep inside, I just want to curl up somewhere and cry. “I can’t wait,” I say brightly.
“Good.” She sighs. “Your father says hi.”
“Hi Dad,” I call out.
I hear his voice in the background followed by my mom’s laughter. “See you tomorrow sweetheart,” she says. “Take care of yourself,” she adds softly.
ON Saturday evening, I join my family at the private club where we’re all having dinner, except for Dylan, who’s in school. Brett arrives with Laurie, and his parents join us a few minutes later. Hugs and kisses are exchanged all around, and dinner is served at the large table we reserved while the parents bond, talking wedding plans, retirement, and then wedding plans again.
After dinner, Brett and Laurie get up to dance to a slow song the band is playing. I watch them from the table, happy for them, and yet envious of their happiness.
“You look like you need a break,” my mom remarks, leaning toward me. Her remarkably youthful face is only marred by her expression of concern. “Have you been working too hard? You should come home and rest a little.”
I shake my head, wondering how much of my misery is evident on my face. “I’m fine, Mom.”
“No, you’re not,” she whispers. “I’m your mother, and I have eyes. I can see that you’re not fine.”
I paste a bright, fake smile on my face and give her a pointed look. “Do I look miserable? Mom, I’m perfectly happy.”
She looks at my dad for help, a sign that they’ve shared their concern about me. I take a frustrated breath and close my eyes, hating the fact that they’re worried enough about me for it to be an issue they’ve discussed. My dad gets up and comes over to take my hand. “Come on,” he says. “Humor your old man with a dance.”
“Your mother’s just worried about you,” he tells me when we join Laurie and Brett on the floor.
“I know,” I reply. “I’m not mad. It’s just…I’m fine, really.”
He nods, buying the lie, or at least pretending to. “Well then, let’s give your cousin and her fiancé a run for their money.” He signals to the band and they change the music to a livelier number. Somehow, for the rest of the evening, I’m able to let go of my pain and actually enjoy myself.
THE final consensus is that there’s going to be an engagement party the coming weekend. We’re home on Sunday evening when Laurie receives the news while on the phone with her mother.
“What does an engagement party even mean?” She grumbles, pretending to be pissed, though it’s clear to me that she’s enjoying all the attention. We’re eating chips from a bag, passing it back and forth while we watch a bunch of hot-ish guys talk about how excited they all are to be vying for one ‘lucky’ woman’s love.
“Usually it means parents want any excuse for a party,” I tell her, laughing. “But this time, it makes sense to have one. There’s bound to be a few people who won’t be able to make it to Barbados for the wedding.”
Laurie makes a face, then spends a long moment admiring the stunning yellow diamond on her finger. Brett quickly remedied the absence of a ring during his proposal, and Laurie was in love with the spectacular ring he bought her. “Do you think it’s silly, going all the way to Barbados to get married when we could just go to Vegas and be done with it?”
“Of course not! Your Nana would never forgive you if you pulled a Vegas stunt. Neither would your mom, or mine for that matter.” I shake my head, imagining the catastrophe that would result if she did something like that. “At least nobody’s asking you to be part of the preparations for the engagement party. They’re probably having a swell time planning it.”
“I know.” She sighs and reaches for the bag of chips. I hand it to her, my eyes going back to the TV. One of the guys is earnestly telling the camera why he thinks he’s the right one for the woman in question. I roll my eyes at the ridiculousness.
“He still hasn’t called at all?” Laurie’s voice is soft.
I shake my head without looking at her. It’s been a week and one day now. “I don’t think…” I pause, willing myself to say the words without falling to pieces. “I don’t think he’s going to call again.”
Laurie is quiet. “I’m so sorry,” she says finally. “I thought…I really thought that if you told him how you felt…”
Frowning, I turn to face her. “It’s not your fault. You were exactly right. I had to tell him and I’m glad I did. Imagine if I hadn’t. I’d still be hanging on to him, losing a bit of myself every day. If I’d left him without letting him know I was in love with him, I’d be torturing myself with the questions, possibilities, and regrets, wondering if telling him would have made a difference.” I shrug. “Now I know for sure that the only way he wants me is if there’s no deep commitment.”
“It’s his loss,” Laurie declares, her voice defiant. “I was convinced he had enough sense to fall in love with you, but if he can’t see what you’re worth then he doesn’t deserve you. You are beautiful, clever, funny, and all-around awesome. Landon Court has no idea what he’s lost.”
I only smile in reply. I’m grateful for her support, but somehow, it’s much better when I don’t talk about Landon at all. I think about him. I miss him. Sometimes, I allow myself to remember how it felt to be happy, in those blissful moments when I was actually happy with him. I will always have those moments to draw on, those memories to treasure, and there’s some sort of consolation that comes from that.
I finally tell Joe I don’t need him anymore. At first, he looks as if he’s going to argue, and he actually follows me all the way to work, driving slowly beside me. He also does it on the way back home, and the next day too, but I ignore him.
I’m doing my best to stop thinking about Landon, but I see him everywhere I go.
Sometimes, I feel as though he’s only just a few feet away, on the other side of a crowd on the street. Every car that passes seems to be one of his. Every hazy face behind the tinted windows appears to be his. I can’t seem to stop conjuring him into my consciousness.
But I have to, because I can’t continue to view my separation from Landon as temporary, and the sensible thing to do is to wean myself off everything that has to do with him.
I work feverishly, researching, writing, and editing articles with Mark, who welcomes my hectic pace and doesn’t hesitate to increase my workload.
Every day, I work until I’m exhausted, with barely enough energy to talk with Laurie when I get home. Luckily, she’s spending most of her time with Brett, so I don’t have to pretend all the time that I’m not fighting the huge block of unhappiness weighing me down.
Every day ends the same, with me trying to sleep while my lack of Landon tortures me in my dreams. Every song takes on a new meaning, and even my favorite books lose their appeal. I wake up every morning with tears on my cheeks and an ache in my heart, and even though I tell myself it’s getting better, that I’m getting better, it takes all my strength to push myself out of bed and go on with my life.
One morning, Joe isn’t waiting for me downstairs. The absence of the car on the street outside my building is like the final note in the sad song of my relationship with Landon. It’s proof that as far as he’s concerned, we’re really over.
For a long moment, I stand at the door, looking out at the empty street, a shaft of pain lancing through my heart. I want to go back upstairs, curl up in my bed and cry until there are no tears left, but somehow, I command my body to move, to take the steps to the sidewalk, and then to work.
It’s all right, I tell myself over and over. Even if Landon doesn’t want to have a place in my life, he’ll always have a place in my heart, and that’s all right.