Sixteen

J

o swayed from side to side as she cradled two-month-old Newell in her arms while Dani took care of supper cleanup. His toothless smile brought one to her own face. She’d learned to treasure little moments like this. The joy helped temper the grief brought on by her momma’s condition.

Several of her family members were praying for the end to come. She understood the sentiment behind it. They didn’t like seeing Ma suffer. She didn’t like it either, but she couldn’t pray the same thing. God would do what He wanted to anyway, and if she spoke to Him about it, it might not be in the reverent way she’d been taught.

Zane came into the kitchen, a deep scowl creasing his brow.

Jo studied the strained look of his eyes with the dark circles beneath, her whole body tensed on high alert. He was on the schedule just before her turn tonight so she knew he’d just come from Ma’s bedside. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just wondered if you’d mind taking over a little early so I can get ready for my gig tonight.”

His band had been playing at the local bar on Friday and Saturday nights. She’d seen them play right after they first got started. He’d been after the whole family to come see him perform again. Timing had been the hindrance before and that certainly hadn’t improved.

“Sure, I can do that.” She shifted the baby in her arms. “Dani, do you want me to— ugh!”

The sour smell of baby spit up wrinkled her nose. Jo held Newell out for Dani to take. She held her wet t-shirt away from her skin and a different smell hit her nose. The boy had decorated her with more than just spit up. “Looks like someone had a diaper blow out too.”

At least it got a laugh out of Zane and a smile from Dani as she handed Jo some wet wipes. Jo wiped away the solid part but nothing short of soap and water would get rid of the smell.

“I’ll bring you a fresh shirt when I come back from cleaning him up.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll just borrow one of Ma’s.”

Jo headed for the kitchen door where Zane still stood. She opened her arms wide as she came to him. “Aw, you’re waiting for a hug from your big sister. That’s so sweet.”

This drew another laugh from Zane as he dodged her touch. “I’ll pass. You smell like something the cat covered up.”

She was tempted to chase him down and hug him anyway, but it might mess up the light moment and she didn’t want to do that.

She eased Ma’s bedroom door open and peeked in. Ma lay on her side facing the door and it looked like she was asleep. Jo tiptoed to the bathroom, stripped the shirt off, and used a soapy rag to clean herself up.

Someone had left a dark blue t-shirt folded on the chair next to the bathroom door. It must belong to one of the guys because it was too big to be Ma’s. Jo held it to her nose for a sniff test to see if it was clean.

Micah.

She closed her eyes as she took a deeper inhale and gave in to the moment of imagining what it’d be like to be held by him. She pulled the shirt on, and it fell down past her hips, somehow making her feel more feminine in spite of the manly scent.

Jo made for the twin bed that had been set up temporarily across from Ma’s. She sat crossed legged with her back against the wall. It was too early to call it a night, so she pulled her phone out of her pocket. After catching up on social media, she could start back on the eBook she’d downloaded.

“Do you mind fluffing these pillows up a bit? They’ve gone flat on this side.”

Jo’s gaze connected with her momma’s. She hadn’t realized she was awake. “Sure, Momma.”

She eased her hand beneath Ma’s head and gently lifted as she willed herself not to show emotion. Not to frown over how thin her momma had become. Not to react should she cry out in pain. Ma only sighed as Jo laid her back down and Jo stifled her own.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad I am too.” Jo sat down on the side of Ma’s bed and held her momma’s frail hand.

“And I’m glad Dean isn’t.”

The frown she’d thought to hide before came on against her best efforts. Jo hadn’t been prepared for her momma’s words.

“I would never want your daddy to see me like this. Thank God, next time I see him, I’ll be whole.”

“Well, I wish he was here. He shouldn’t have died at such a young age. We needed him to be here. We need you here too.”

“Honey, we all go when we’re meant to, according to God’s timing, not our own.”

Jo shook her head. She didn’t want to have this conversation and she wouldn’t argue with her momma, but she couldn’t understand how a supposedly loving God could allow stuff like this to happen.

“I hated losing Dean when I did, but God took care of me after he was gone. He takes care of all of us.” A tear slid from the corner of Ma’s eye.

Jo grabbed a tissue from the nightstand and dabbed it away. “This conversation is upsetting you. Why don’t we talk about something else?”

“No.” That one word came out so strong, it was a surprise when no one came charging in. Ma turned her head to look into Jo’s eyes. “This is too important to leave off with. There is no thing or no one we need more than the salvation offered by our Lord. If nothing else comes of my death, I hope God uses it to finally get to you.”

“Ma…” Jo’s voice broke on that one word. She closed her eyes, trying to gain control. She didn’t want to cry in front of her momma. Not like this.

“Jo, one day God is going to take you from this planet. Where are you going to go? I pray you’ll come to be with me and your daddy in heaven, but only you can decide that.” Ma grimaced and then let out a breath.

“Ma, are you okay? Are you hurting?” Jo reached for the morphine bottle next to the bed.

“No. No more of that stuff. I’m just… tired and I’m cold. Could you get me another blanket?”

There was already a mountain of blankets and quilts piled on top of Ma’s frail body, but it didn’t matter. Jo would get her another blanket if she had to knit it herself. She pulled the one from the twin bed where she’d sleep tonight and spread it over her momma. Ma had already fallen asleep, her breaths slow and steady.

Jo kissed her cheek, then reclaimed her seat on the other bed but didn’t pick her phone back up. Her head was too full to even process her thoughts, so she watched her momma sleep and counted every breath.

Warmth finally encased her, and her body relaxed.

But this wasn’t like the warmth found curled beneath a blanket. This was like early summer sunshine. It reminded her of the times she and Dean used to sneak off to the pond. He would do a little fishing and she would lay out on a blanket in the sun reading a book.

And her body wasn’t just relaxed. It was more like her burdens had been lifted. All of her cares and worries had somehow dissipated. What had she been doing a moment ago? She couldn’t remember and it didn’t seem to matter.

Someone called her name. It sounded like they were far away. “Dean, is that you?”

Someone else, someone closer, cried out but she was too busy listening for the faraway voice that sounded like Dean to do anything about it. She opened her eyes to light, bright but not blinding.

That must be where Dean is. If I head that way, I’ll surely find him.

Indescribable joy bubbled up inside of her like nothing she’d ever felt before and she knew where she was headed.

Home! I’m finally going Home!