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Oh God, no! Did we just break up?
In disbelief, I watched Kyle’s supercharged Land Range Rover Autobiography rut the fresh snow as he drove away in haste.
Did Kyle just break up with me? Was it because I said I love him? Or because I pushed him away?
Why was I surprised?
Man-hater me had been so mean to him. Every weekend, I found something to whine about. I always used a sledgehammer to crack a nut when it came to him. I closed my eyes and let the misery take over. It was easier to give in to mind-numbing misery than to cut myself with illogical questions that had no answers.
I ran up, struggled with my keys, opened the apartment and found the living room empty. Static as ever, Mother was in her room reading an old Vogue magazine and Cypress was in his room playing games with virtual friends. It took a lot of effort to sit and chat with them. They were curious about my time with Kyle’s family and I gave them nothing but platitudes on how great it was—the kind of platitudes Kyle and his father would have hated.
I excused myself, went to my bedroom and flopped face down on my bed. I finally allowed myself to feel. The tears that I had held back since Denise attacked me now flowed free. I cried at Kyle’s reaction to my saying I loved him and at his reaction to his father’s words, but mostly I cried at our strange and unfinished conversation.
I did not know what had just passed. All I knew was...I felt rejected. I knew it was partially my fault. Kyle was trying in his own inimitable way to get close to me and I pushed him away. He had pushed back. But he had just taken it ten steps further. I had so little experience with men and—though he had so much experience with women—the two of us had little experience with relationships.
Thirty minutes of self-pity and wallowing later, I took a long bath filled with bath salts, suds and lots of tears. The bath did little to placate me. While sniffling, I put on a fuzzy bathrobe over my pajamas. I dried my tears and my hair, which I twisted in a topknot.
Once out of the bathroom, a fresh wave of sadness hit me.
My room was small, clinical, bare and lackluster—like my life. I had no life except for Kyle. And now he was gone. I debated if I should call him but my wounded pride didn’t let me.
I just stared at my phone for a long time, willing it to ring.
It didn’t.
I checked to see if he texted me.
He hadn’t.
Throwing my phone on my bed, I went to my window. Snow fell over the dark expanse of Silver Tree Lake. The sky was pitch black and the dark of the night unbroken with a few cars slowly winding down the road. I sat there, numb inside, pain washing over me like winter rain. I wished I were a swallow so I could migrate. Or a groundhog, so I could hibernate, indefinitely.
Animals are lucky.
My illogical feelings made me realize how much Kyle meant to me.
Way more than I had realized.
I decided to drown my sorrows in sugar. In the kitchen, I smashed six candy canes with a rolling pin and mixed them in a tub of vanilla bean ice cream. I took the ice cream to my bed and had snarfed down half the tub when the doorbell rang. Mom, Cypress and I came out of solitary confinement and stared at each other blankly. I walked over to the peephole in the front door and almost fainted when I saw who it was.
Kyle.
“Um. Hello,” I whispered as I opened the door.
He stood there with a sheepish smile, a muscular arm laced across the doorjamb. “Hi. Can I come in?”
Hell, yes!
Relief washed over me. I became a boneless bag of skin. “Come in. What a pleasant surprise.”
“Is it? I wasn’t sure you’d let me in,” he said with an indulgent smile.
I stepped out in the hall and let the door close behind me. We stood inches apart. The particles I never noticed when he was absent crackled in the air between us.
“Well, you are a clockwork man. I’m surprised you turned up without notice.”
“You broke my clock.” His navy eyes pinned mine.
I swallowed, using all my strength not to throw myself in his arms and weep with joy. We stared silently at each other for an inappropriate length of beats.
“Don’t you have a flight to catch?” I asked on recovering my senses.
“I did. But I couldn’t leave with my heart still in Michigan.”
“Kyle—” I stopped, not knowing what to say. Tears pricked at my eyes.
“Is this where you tell me to go because you don’t want me to meet your family?”
I stared at him in a glaze of tears. “No. Can’t you tell how happy I am?”
“Not really. You’re crying.”
“Mrs. Reilly across the hall is always cutting onions.”
We smiled at each other.
I forced my tears back.
“Good then, let me in.” He bent down to the green carpet on the hall and hefted up two wrapped packages.
“What’s all this?”
“A little something for your family.”
“You didn’t have—” I stopped at his raised eyebrow. “Come in, please.”
I grabbed his hand and drew him inside. Mother and Cypress were still rooted to their spots, where I had left them, and when they saw Kyle, they gaped with open mouths.
“This is my boyfriend, Kyle. Kyle, meet my better part, Cypress. And this is my mom, Cindy.”
After the pleasantries were exchanged, Kyle sat down with Cypress on the couch and I settled across from them in the ripped leather recliner. It was surreal to see Kyle’s massive shoulders contrasted with the tea-pink faded chintz couch, his magnetic presence taking hostage of every inch of our apartment. The packages he carried turned out to be presents. Unlimited gaming gift cards for Cypress and a colossal box of gourmet chocolates for Mother.
I shook my head with gratitude. “How in the world did you have time to do this?”
“You know I have a supernatural staff,” he said.
Deploying flustered hostess mode, Mother kept asking him what he would like to eat or drink. Kyle finally gave in to her and asked for an eggnog. She hurried off to the kitchen and Cypress just sat there smiling nonstop at us. After a few failed attempts, Kyle got him to talk. They found common ground in Capture and once Cypress learned Kyle was friends with the Capture CEO, the two were destined to become best of friends. Watching the two men I loved interact so effortlessly, I smiled so much my mouth ached.
Inside, I was a train wreck.
What the hell is Kyle doing here?
This is good news. Obviously, we are not broken up.
We had left things unfinished and he was here now. His coming back had put us twenty paces closer.
Mother magically produced baked appetizers and Kyle ate the stale crab rolls and spinach puffs out of obligation. Holding his eggnog, he walked around the apartment and admired the St. Petersburg gingerbread display we had made. He joked that we should have a gingerbread display in the museum around the holidays. Not sure he was real, I followed him around like a ghost haunting an old lover. I pinched my arm several times to make sure I was not still crying and daydreaming in my bathtub.
At last, Mother and Cypress went to their rooms and we were finally alone. Kyle turned to me and said, “I know my visit is a bit stalkery.”
Standing on tiptoe, I hugged Kyle, my chin propped on his shoulder. “No. Thank you, baby. You have no idea what your visit means to me.”
“It means the same to me, June-Bug. Let’s go to your room. We need more privacy.”
I stroked an idle finger across his full lower lip. “Privacy, huh? The global euphemism for action.”
“Action is always wanted. But I came to talk, not get laid.”
“What a letdown. And here I was all hot and bothered,” I said, fanning myself.
Kyle grinned slowly and gave me a quick kiss. “Stop distracting me, minx.”
“I can’t think straight with this hunk of ass invading my space.”
“I am more than my looks, you know. Objectifying people hurts society,” Kyle said with a wounded expression.
We stared at each other for a solemn moment before bursting out laughing. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into my room. After inspecting the books and photos on my shelves, he sprawled on my bed and patted the mattress. I slithered along his length, my breathing labored at his proximity in my personal space.
“What made you come back?”
“You. You. All you. The idea of leaving you tore me apart.”
My hands went to his chest and I fingered the buttons on his shirt. “I was a weepy-damaged-ice-cream-wolfing-mess.”
“I’d be a mess if you were anything else.”
I wondered how long this stolen chance with Kyle would last. “Do you have a private jet standing by?”
“I was taking a commercial flight. Some annoying voice of conscience told me to stop being ecologically reckless. Or else she’d mangle my limbs.”
I smiled smugly at this. He tangled his fingers in my hair and my breath hitched.
“I drove away from here in the worst state possible, June-Bug. Went to the house, picked up my stuff, and Stan dropped me at the airport. In the security line, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I ran out of security, and guess what, the TSA got suspicious of my behavior. I was pulled, isolated, frisked and questioned. Goddamn morons. When they let me go, I raced back to you.”
I giggled at Kyle’s airport experience. “So sorry about that. But why’d you come back?”
“Too many reasons. One, our last conversation sucked balls. Two, I wanted to make sure we talked before it was too late. Three, there was this weird distance between us. And four, I didn’t want to lose you.”
“I’m glad. I would hate, hate, hate to lose you.”
“Last week...the treehouse...I had the time of my life. Before that, I convinced Juniper Mills to be mine by the skin of my teeth. And then I ruined it. I should’ve taken you away and should never have taken you to my family. All we do is break up good things.”
“Kyle, our issues precede my meeting your family. Let’s forget about everyone else. Except us. I love my time with you.”
The L word? Really? Careful, Juniper.
Stroking my hair, he jerked to him. He cleaved me to his body, lowered his head and gave me a gentle kiss. “Good plan. Forget everyone else and spend every single second with you.”
I kissed him repeatedly until his chest was heaving. “Yes. Yes.”
His eyelids closed. “You know what you’re doing to me?”
“Back at you. You’ve ruined my life, Kyle Paxton. I do nothing but think of you. Like a sleepwalker under a love hex.”
Oh joy. There I go using the L word. Again. Why did I never learn from my mistakes?
“You’ve ruined me too. I don’t know if I can be with anybody afterwards.” Pulling up, he leaned against the headboard and arranged me so I was nestled against him.
“What are you saying, Kyle? After six months I will be gone. The way you like.”
He chewed his lips. “Let’s see. It’s time to change the system.”
My heart stalled. “What do you mean?”
His legs trapped mine and his arms grew tighter, his face so close our breaths mingled—his eggnogy and mine candy caney. “Three weeks ago, Juniper, when you ran away after talking to Izzy, I thought I lost you. In those awful three hours, everything else in my life fell away. My world contracted to your existence.”
“I didn’t know that.”
My heart melted at his words. Three weeks ago, I had met Izzy and then run out of Kyle's home at her insinuation that they were still together. It was not something I was proud of, but ever since I was a child, I had run off at the slightest hint of trouble rather than face my demons. The only exception was my defending Cypress and confronting the pricks who bullied him.
“Everything else in my life seemed pointless that day, except you. And when I found you, I felt a bone crushing relief.”
“Also a lotta anger.” I recalled Kyle’s fury in his car when he brought me back to his house.
“Yeah. I was angry you ran away like a child. I do regret that. But I realized that day what you meant to me. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”
“Tell me. Tell me.”
“Juniper Mills, be in a relationship with me. Forget contracts and time limits. I want you. No one else. Not for a short time, but to see where it goes.”
Time stopped for a beat.
Every cell in my body reacted and paused.
Yes, that’s all I want. To be yours. Forever.
I love you Kyle. I love you.
Instead, I was silent. With great effort, I pushed off the weight of his muscular arm on me and put some distance between us. I perched on the edge of the bed and turned to him. “I think that is a fantastic idea, Kyle. But it’s just that—an idea. Let’s not ruin what we have.”
“It’s too late for me. I’m a goner,” he said with a raised eyebrow.
“Me too. But if this long term thing tanks, you’ll have a ton of regret.”
“Stop. Don’t overthink it, June-Bug.”
“I want my memory to be the best time of your life.”
“And I want you to be my only memory. I don’t want to be with anyone else. My system led me to you. That’s all I care about. That’s all I’ll care about in six months and next year and the year after.”
Had Kyle just agreed to explode his cosmos so he could be with me? For years? For real? “I may not be worth it, you know,” I said, gently. “This is my first relationship and I am learning my emotional quotient is quite low. Maybe I need more experience—aka the wisdom of time—before I’m ready for a serious commitment.”
“Hell to the no.” He scooted to me and settled on the edge of the bed, his arms going around my waist. “Two things. One, people with experience are not automatically better at relationships. Two, don’t even think about other men. Other relationships. You are mine only and I’m not letting you get away.”
I laughed and dangled my legs off the bed. “I like how possessive you are. Not creepy at all. Now, please flip it and apply it to yourself.”
The corners of his lips twitched. “Just did. I’m yours and I’m not going away.”
“Seriously...think this over, Kyle.”
“No, granny, no need to think over what I know.”
Lips parted and eyes sparkling, I stared at him. Irresistibly drawn to his body, I leaned against his shoulder and sighed in contentment. I could not stay away from Kyle, physically or emotionally. It seemed neither could he. We were both screwed.
“I don’t want you to be sorry a few months from now,” I whispered.
Kyle exhaled sharp and hard. “I will not be sorry. Listen, I’ll tell you about Chloe and how she died...when I’m ready. But for now...I want you to know...Chloe was my only relationship. And...it wasn’t a good one.” He looked at the ceiling, as if remembering something unpleasant, and halted until I prodded him on. “She will always be part of me. I don’t want to slander her memory. That is why I never talk about her. But you've come to mean much more to me in three weeks than she did in four years. That is a dick thought, but...it is the truth. Lately, I’ve had to confront hard truths about her. About us. I guess, in high school, we were happy. By the time I was in college, I was ready to end things.”
“Why?”
“For some reason, Chloe loved me...but I was unable to love her back. I tried and those years, months, days, hours, minutes and seconds ate away at me. I never told her I loved her because I thought I was unable to love. In reality, it was because I never did love her. I know that now. She was two years older than me...and in high school, she was the popular, cool but kooky girl. She was beautiful. Inside and out. All she wanted to do with her life was love. Everyone loved her. There was something about her...like a light in the dark...you could not help but be attracted to her. When we first dated, we had fun. We were both athletic. Skydiving. Swimming. Surfing. We did it all. She loved music festivals and concerts. I tagged along.
“I think I was an okay boyfriend. I never promised beyond what I could give...but Chloe always wanted more...so much more than I could give her. And that is because Chloe loved more than it is possible for any human being to love...she loved everything she met...the gelato flavor, the color of the sunset, a homeless person’s shoes. She made me believe in the beauty and light of the world. But there was something darker inside her that masked her beautiful light...and it drove me away. It drove her parents and her friends away. It drove her to clinical depression. In the end, it drove her to death. I had a part in it. I hold myself responsible for her death.”
I was silent. Trying to take it all in. Trying to understand. “What happened?”
“Juniper...she...Chloe committed suicide.”
“Oh my God.” Shock flooded through me and I shivered trying to process it all. “Why?”
“She wanted...it’s a long story. I’ll tell you. One day.”
“Kyle, I’m so sorry.”
“Her parents blamed me for her death. Everyone did. They were right.”
I searched his face, confused by his words. “You said she committed suicide. How could you have killed her?”
“I didn’t physically kill her but I killed her from the inside...” His voice trailed off and his hands on my body fell away.
With new dread eating my heart, I wondered what to make of this new information. Why did Kyle feel responsible for Chloe’s death? I saw in his eyes he was not ready to tell me everything. Arms of granite banded my waist as Kyle shifted behind me, his head in the crook of my neck. His breath fanning my neck like a summer breeze, he was quiet for a long time. I felt his pain rise and encompass me. An ache grew inside me. I suppose the pain of the people you love hurts more than your own pain.
I finally asked, “Is Chloe why you decided to have Summers and Winters?”
He nodded, his unshaved chin tickling my neck. “Yes. After her death, I was with no one for two years. And then I was with a few women...the year after. Just one night stands or hookups.”
A few women? I wondered how many women he had been with...I pushed back my childish jealousy and tried to focus on his words.
“I hated it. I felt like I hurt girls. Pushed them away. Gave them false hope. So I started my system. I never believed I’d meet someone like you. Juniper, you are my everything. I want you to know that I’m going to be around for a long time.”
My heart soared. I loved Kyle. And I would never stop loving him. Kyle was not making promises of a lifetime together. But it didn’t matter. He had changed it all for me and it was more than enough. “Kyle. You know how crazy I am about you. I love that you want more time with me but—”
“No buts unless it’s your booty. We’re good together, babe. Don’t forget that.” To hone his point, his hands found and squeezed my hips.
I smiled. “The more I’m with you, the more I feel. And it frightens me. And I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret next year.”
“No more objections, you silly thing.” In a fluid motion, Kyle lay back and dragged me onto the length of his body, gazing into my eyes with such unflinching force, I flushed.
“One more objection...” I began.
“Nope.” He twisted my face so his lips caught mine. When I pulled away, he sighed and said, “How about some alcohol? Let’s play a drinking game to your objections. One shot per objection.”
“We can play. We’ll run out of alcohol way before I run out of objections. Hey, I thought you didn’t drink.”
“I think you’re driving me to the bottle, June-Bug.”
“Fine, I’ll behave.”
“What is really bugging you?” he asked, not buying my frivolity.
“I don’t want you to give up your lifestyle for me. I am yours for the next six months. And if you walk away after that, I’m okay with that.”
“But I’m not. I can’t imagine my life without you. So say yes.”
“How about a soft yes?”
“Nope. I only accept a hard yes or a hard no.”
I smiled. “Yes, then. You belong to me now, Kyle.”
“That sounds ominous.”
“It is. Any rules?”
“The same old three—custom made for you. One, don’t run away. Two, if you have doubts, come to me for answers. Three: Us first, others later. You?”
“Honesty,” I whispered. “Never lie to me. Full disclosure is all I want.”
“Done. And done.”
From this point on, I never wanted to see or hear about Kyle’s past. And if I did, I wanted the truth from him so I could have a soft landing. If we were to be a couple, I had to learn to trust him and he had to be honest and fess up so his exes didn’t mess with us. “Is there anything I need to know, Kyle? Any other secrets from your past?”
“Okay, here goes. Let me tell you a secret no one else knows.”
“Yes?” I asked with bated breath.
“I. Want. You. Now.”
I pummeled his shoulder. “Kyle Paxton. I thought you were actually going to share for once.”
“Take off that robe. Please tell me you’re not wearing anything under it.”
“Only fuzzy mint pajamas. Sixteen T-shirts. Five granny undies. A chastity belt. And long johns and—”
Shaking his head, Kyle rolled me over and heaved himself on top of me. “Shut up. No amount of layers will keep you safe right now.”
His mouth clamped over mine and my objections floated away like balloons in the wind.
I wish our story had ended there. I wish I could say everything was going to be fine between Kyle and me. Sadly, it was not to be. And if I had known then what I found out two months later, I would probably not have let Kyle come into my apartment that night. At that time, though, all I knew was I was in love with the most off-the-charts man I had ever met.
