twenty-nine

Monday, 22-Mar

Fact: I’m sitting here drinking midmorning tea with a shot of whiskey and with muscles tight enough to shatter.

I’ve taken to wandering the house late at night, peeking out the windows, carrying a fireplace poker. I had a man out to install motion sensor lights on every side of the house. Starkers I may be, but I insisted that all the lights be on the same circuit. If one triggers, then they all do, and the motion sensor alarm goes off on the keychain remote I carry on me at all times. I need to see PatientZ coming, you see.

Vanquishing my demon, yes. It must happen one way or another, but I can’t bear to be alone today. Yesterday Nathan cancelled an outing with me, no explanation. As his punishment, I’m going to visit him at Fox Cottage. I don’t care if this isn’t a healthy coping mechanism.

You were right about one thing: I’m using Nathan as a distraction from my fear. But he’s using me, too. Maybe he considers me a soul-healing balm he can rub all over himself. Which is fine. You know I like to be needed.

Fact: If something’s going to happen, it will be today—anniversary day.