eighty-eight

Danny brushed his finger over the thin scab on Ellen’s neck. Two inches long, the cut would heal into a pink line as smooth as the rest of her skin. Ellen used to pick at scabs, rubbing them until they broke open or worrying them around the edges until they snapped off and exposed new skin not ready for its unveiling yet. She didn’t care about the scars they left. The dimples on her knees from dozens of falls over a lifetime, the shiny skin on her hand where she’d splashed hot oil on herself, the two divots on her arm from a dog bite. Unlike those, the scar on her neck would eventually fade into nothing. She wouldn’t notice it if she woke up.

But she wouldn’t wake up. At last Danny understood this beyond theory and medical statistics. He’d felt the truth of it the moment Zoe sliced Ellen’s skin. Ellen was destined for a slow and excruciating deterioration—placed on ventilators and poked, prodded, and manhandled every time an infection took residence in her body.

Danny picked up Ellen’s hand and rubbed his thumb over the thickened burn scar. He summoned Cecil, the straight talker. He’d have to be blunt. It would be like revealing that magic didn’t exist, and the children still believed in magic.

“I don’t believe your mom will be resurrected,” he said to Mandy and Petey.

The children were subdued for a change. Mandy had brought a book to read to Ellen. The Wind in the Willows. She lowered the book. She, along with Petey, turned wide eyes toward Danny.

“I’m not an expert on these things, but I do know that if your mother resurrects, it’s not like how you imagine, not like waking up. According to the Bible, even Jesus didn’t walk on Earth as a man after he resurrected.”

The children glanced at each other. They had a way of communicating without words that exasperated Danny at times.

“You’re saying that Mum won’t come back to us,” Mandy said. “Never again.”

“Yes, that’s what I’m saying.” He rushed forward with more words. “But we can help her resurrect up to Heaven. Like Jesus.”

Cecil would have disapproved of that bit of sophistry, but how to talk to his kids in a way they would understand? Ellen had raised them in a devout fashion. If he’d learned anything from the case of Zoe Tate the healer, Liam the healed, and Nathan the survivor of the healing, it was that belief trumped all. Belief became its own truth.

He decided to speak to Mandy and Petey in the language of their belief. “We can help her, and it will be better for her.” He pointed to the machinery that kept Ellen dosed with fluids and nutrients. “We turn off the machines. When her soul is ready, her body will”—he paused, still unsure—“her body will die.”

“She’ll die,” Mandy said. “She’ll go to Heaven. That’s what you mean.”

“Ah, sweet things,” Danny said. “Come here.”

The children climbed on his lap. They were too big to fit comfortably, but somehow they made it happen with limbs jumbled together and arms around his neck.

“I’m going to be blunt now, okay?” he said.

They nodded.

“Life sometimes serves us shite.” They nodded again like this was self-evident. “And sometimes because of that we have to make tough choices. We mere humans have to decide on the greater kindness. That’s the question at the bottom of it all. What’s the kindest thing for your mom? Stay like this or—or pass on? I’ve made up my mind which is kinder, but I’m going to leave the room now and you can talk privately.”

They stared at him with identical open-mouthed awe. Yes, he thought, I’m including you in an adult decision process. Please let me not be traumatizing you.

“You can stay,” Mandy said.

She grabbed Petey and led him into a whispered conversation in the corner of the room. They darted glances at Danny and cupped their hands around their mouths.

The hum of Ellen’s life-support equipment comforted him, Danny realized. When had that happened?

Mandy held Petey’s hand as they returned to him. “Dad?” Petey said.

“Ay?”

“You can let her go now.”

He hesitated, biting his lip. Mandy nudged her with his elbow. “Say it,” she hissed.

“Say what?” Danny said.

“It’s like this,” Mandy said. “We’ve been waiting for you to get your head out your bum.”

A startled laugh burst from Danny. Father Dooley had said the same thing. He tried to look stern, but it didn’t work.

“We always knew what Mum wanted,” Mandy said. “She said you knew, too, but you were so sad.”

“She talked to you about this?”

In identical moves, they rolled their eyes at him like he’d gone mad. Of course, you eejit.

“Dead people,” Petey said matter-of-factly. “We talked about it a lot. Mum said going to Heaven is a nice thing and that your work helped the dead people move on.”

Danny stood. He paced back and forth. It was either that or laugh again until he crumpled. Ellen had filled their heads with the most lovely nonsense, but here they stood, full of acceptance. No conflicts for them.

“What about resurrecting on Easter?” he said.

“That was a game.” Petey grinned at their sleight of hand. “We knew you were listening to us talk in bed. We were trying to trick you for earwigging.”

Mandy climbed onto Ellen’s bed and tucked the covers around her shoulders. “Mum always said you shouldn’t listen in on people. What a lot of nonsense, and you let us go on and on.”

“Of course Mum wouldn’t come back on Easter like Jesus!” Petey hollered.

“You gave us the best Easter ever, though,” Mandy said.

“You played me.” Danny collapsed back onto the chair and Petey climbed on top of him again. “I’m an utter eejit, all right. All this time I thought you were waiting for Mum to ascend.”

“Daddy? You know you can talk to us,” Mandy said. “All you had to do was ask and we would have come clean.”

Danny smiled at the phrase come clean. “I am duly chastised, and I think ice cream cones might be in order on our way home.”

Their identical smiles just about tore out his heart. Jesus, how he loved his urchins.

Petey shifted off of Danny and climbed onto the bed so he lay on one side of Ellen and Mandy on the other. Mandy resumed reading her book aloud while Petey drifted off to sleep. Danny picked up the silver hand mirror and tilted it toward a thin stream of light shining through the window. The reflecting surface caught the light and directed it toward the wall. Danny shifted it until the light illuminated Ellen’s face like a light from her Heaven.

the end