SCENE 1

At the George residence.

Enter CADY HERON, REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, and KAREN SMITH.

CADY [to Regina:] Thy house is nicest to the pow’r nineteenth,

Declare I sans condition or amendment.

REGINA ’Tis lovely, is it not? A palace noble.

GRETCHEN Be sure thou seest her mother’s ample breast,

By power of physician larger made.

’Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white

Nature’s own sweet and cunning hand laid on,

And like two stones they rest, both firm and solid.

REGINA Sweet Mother? Art thou here?

Enter LADY GEORGE.

LADY G.     —How are my girls?

Your coming has transported me beyond

This ignorant present, and I feel now

The future in the instant. Welcome home!

GRETCHEN Fair greetings, Lady George. May I present

A new lass come unto our school: ’tis Cady.

LADY G. Thou sweetheart, welcome to my humble home.

[Lady George embraces Cady.

CADY [aside:] The words of Gretchen prove entirely true:

Her breasts are like two violent batt’ring rams!

LADY G. If thou hast needs, but ask us. All our service

In every point twice done and then done double

Were poor and single business to contend

Against those honors deep and broad wherewith

Thy presence loads our house. Be thou not shy.

There are no rules within this house of mine—

I am no mother regular, forsooth!

A cool mom I, ’tis so, Regina, yea?

REGINA My tongue will tell the anger of my heart,

An thou dost longer speak. Pray, let us go.

LADY G. A treat for hump day shall I make ye four.

[Exit Lady George as the others repair to Regina’s room.

CADY This is thy room, palatial and ornate?

With “princess” writ in gold upon the wall

O’er where thou sleepest on thy silken sheets?

REGINA It once belong’d unto my parents two,

Until I forcèd them to trade with me.

Let us play station ninety-eight point eight.

[They adjust the radio and a song begins playing.

Dost thou, young Cady, come from Africa,

Know who doth sing this song of lutes and lyrics?

CADY Mayhap the Girls of Spice?

REGINA [to Gretchen and Karen:]—Ha! She is sweet,

Her innocence is brighter than the sun.

Like one who cometh from the planet Mars,

She knoweth little of our earthly customs.

KAREN How large my hips! I would thou hadst my bones.

GRETCHEN My legs do better understand me than

I wish to look on them—behold my calves!

How like two useless lumps they do appear.

REGINA At least ye two can wear a halter top—

With shoulders passing mannish, I dare not!

CADY [aside:] Methought, once, there were two forms: slim and fat.

Herein I better learn: there is no end

Of how the female form may errant turn.

GRETCHEN My hairline is bizarre.

REGINA        —My pores are craters!

KAREN My nail beds are disastrous.

REGINA [to Cady:] —What of thee?

CADY My breath is noisome in the morningtide.

KAREN Eww.

Enter LADY GEORGE bearing drinks, with her DOG.

LADY G.  —Happy is the hour from four to six!

CADY My thanks—yet, is there alcohol herein?

LADY G. By heaven, nay, what thinkest thou of me?

Am I no mother to a teenage girl?

Yet, honestly, if thou wouldst have a drink,

I’d happily provide, an thou shalt have’t

Within my house where I may o’er thee watch.

CADY Nay, thank you, Lady George.

LADY G.      —’Tis well, ’tis well.

Now, ladies four, what is the four-one-one?

How do ye spend your days, what is your news?

But screw your courage to the sticking-place

And tell me all the gossip that ye know!

[Lady George’s dog climbs into her lap and begins biting her breast.

CADY [aside:] This is a sight I do not love to look on—

The dog doth sense the forgery of meat.

LADY G. What music do ye listen to, what jams?

REGINA Pray, Mother, walk aside and fix thy hair!

LADY G. I shall. O ladies, how ye keep me young!

Yea, I do love ye more than I can tell.

[Exit Lady George. Karen pulls the Burn Book from Regina’s shelf.

KAREN By heaven, O, I do remember this!

Was ever book containing such vile matter

So fairly bound?

REGINA      —Not since forever have

I thought about that book upon my shelf.

GRETCHEN Come hither, Cady, feast thine eyes on this.

’Tis call’d our Burn Book, wherein we do take

The images of lasses from the yearbook

We have cut from the page with simple snip

And writ our honest comments thereupon.

Here is one entry from a bygone year:

“Trang Pak is but a grotsky little byotch.”

REGINA ’Tis true unto today.

GRETCHEN      —“Dawn Schweitzer is

A virgin maid of massive girth, forsooth.”

REGINA ’Tis true, at least by half.

GRETCHEN     —Ha, ha, such wit!

KAREN “One Amber, of the house D’Alessio,

Was wont to practice kissing on a hot dog.”

GRETCHEN And this one, simply: “Janis Ian: dyke.”

CADY [aside:] Alas, my friend is slander’d here, in ink!

Poor Janis, so abus’d. O, my heart bleeds

To think o’the teen that they have turn’d her to.

KAREN Who is that in the picture, next to her?

GRETCHEN Methinks he is a lad call’d Damian.

CADY His gaiety doth overwhelm his sense!

REGINA ’Tis humorous, indeed! Write it therein.

CADY [aside:] How quickly I betray him with these words,

Which Janis utter’d as a jest before—

Belike such speech is only suitable

When spoken by a worthy friend like Janis.

Anon I’ll tell my friends what I have seen—

This Burn Book tactless, fill’d with spirit mean.

[Exeunt.