SCENE 4

At the All Hallows’ Eve party.

Enter GRETCHEN WIENERS and KAREN SMITH.

GRETCHEN I can say little more than I have studied—

This question’s out of my part: what art thou?

KAREN A mouse, of course, I bid thee see mine ears!

[Exeunt Gretchen and Karen.

Enter CADY HERON.

CADY In normal world, ’tis Halloween when the

Kids dress for candy’s sake. By feminine

Rule, lasses dress with purpose and mystique.

Enter REGINA GEORGE and LADY GEORGE above, on balcony.

LADY G. How well thou look’st, my dear! How innocent.

REGINA My bosom and my derrière are fine,

And on display to celebrate the dead!

[Exeunt Regina and Lady George.

CADY It is the one night in the year entire

When lasses are array’d most wantonly

And other girls say nothing of the fault,

For all declare ’tis nothing but a costume.

The boldest lasses dress in lingerie

And furry ears of little animals.

Yet none did tell me of th’unspoken rule

By which a lass may wear a strumpet’s outfit.

Thus, like a soul awoken from the grave,

I have arriv’d array’d beneath death’s veil.

Enter REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WIENERS, KAREN SMITH, AARON SAMUELS, SETH MOSAKOWSKI, and many STUDENTS in costumes.

The ball begins and I am out of place.

I stick out like the sorest thumb of all—

As if a legion full of blacksmiths had

Ta’en out collected vengeance on a thumb.

Behold my classmates watch as women kiss,

An ’twere a spectacle for all to see.

Ah, there is Gretchen next to Karen talking—

Familiar faces shall be welcome now.

[To Gretchen and Karen:] Good even, friends!

KAREN      —Why art thou so attir’d,

In clothes wherewith to scare the bravest person?

CADY It is All Hallows’ Eve and thus it suits.

GRETCHEN Hast thou seen Jason? I expect him here.

KAREN One lad I know is looking fine tonight:

Seth Mosakowski.

GRETCHEN  —What, that simple fop?

KAREN The same, indeed. He kisses by the book.

GRETCHEN He is thy cousin.

KAREN      —Yea, but only first.

GRETCHEN Indeed.

KAREN  —There are mere cousins and first cousins,

Then second cousins and so on from there.

GRETCHEN Nay, sweet.

KAREN      —This is not how a fam’ly works?

GRETCHEN ’Tis wrong in ev’ry way.

[Aaron approaches Cady.

AARON    —Thou hast arriv’d,

And bringest, too, a zombie bride withal.

CADY Ex-wife to be precise.

AARON      —Original.

Wilt thou a drink, which I may bring to thee?

CADY With pleasure.

AARON      —On the instant I’ll return.

CADY My thanks, kind Aaron.

[Aaron walks aside. Karen waves at Seth.

GRETCHEN    —Karen, cease at once.

Be not so taken in.

KAREN    —O Seth, I come!

Did ever dragon keep so fair a cave?

[Karen approaches Seth. Regina approaches Aaron.

REGINA Good evening.

AARON   —O, how well thou look’st tonight.

Did no one tell thee thou shouldst wear a costume?

Couldst thou not bear All Hallows’ Eve t’observe?

REGINA Asses are made to bear, and so are you.

Pray stop thy tongue: I have some news to share.

Thou knowest Cady, newly come to school?

AARON Forsooth, she seemeth sweet and passing kind.

Upon my invitation hath she come.

REGINA Be careful, for she has a crush on thee,

Each night doth pine for thee upon her pillow,

And sigheth, “Aaron, make me soon thy bride!”

AARON Indeed? How cam’st thou by this knowledge rare?

REGINA [aside:] My strategy doth fail, he is not mov’d,

Except unto a greater interest!

Therefore I’ll dig the hole e’en deeper yet.

[To Aaron:] The lass hath told me—ev’ryone, in fact.

It is naively cute, how heartily

She bareth all her feelings to the world.

She hath the wisdom of a little girl,

Who writeth on her notebook constantly,

With hearts declaring “Madam Aaron Samuels.”

She fashion’d, too, a tunic with thy face,

Which doth proclaim “My heart for Aaron e’er!”

She wears it always underneath her garments—

E’en now, I’ll wager, doth she sport the tunic.

AARON Thou art in jest.

REGINA      —Yet who could blame the lass?

Thou e’er wert gorgeous to mine eyes, thou know’st.

Take heed: I do not say she stalketh thee,

Yet she did save the tissue thou didst use,

An ’twere the relic of a holy saint,

And said she would perform some Afric voodoo

With which to turn thy heart unto her own.

[Cady waves at Aaron from afar.

AARON Can this be true? Yet there, across the way,

A zombie bride—ex-wife—doth wave at me,

Portending some strange fate that may be knit.

CADY [aside:] E’en yonder doth Regina speak for me,

Her words fall gently on his waiting ears,

For see, he waveth like a lad in love.

REGINA ’Tis true the lass is socially inept

And strange beyond all natural degree,

Yet she hath been a constant friend to me.

Thus, promise thou shalt not make sport of her.

AARON ’Tis certain I shall not make sport of her.

CADY [aside:] How can kind Janis hate Regina so?

For look how she doth take my suit to him.

She is so good and decent, by my troth.

[Regina kisses Aaron.

Alack and rue the day! Thou harlot rank!

AARON What art thou playing at, Regina? Cease!

’Twas thou who ended our relationship.

REGINA Thou speakest foolishness—why would I so?

Thou art the finest lad at North Shore High.

[Regina kisses Aaron again. Exeunt all except Cady.

CADY Ne’er have I felt betrayal such as this—

O, woe the day! My heart rings in mine ears,

My stomach shall escape straight through my bowels.

The lump that rises in my gorge is like

A bulky pill one swallows sans a drink.

Regina George, how I despise thee so—

My hate for thee doth only grow and grow!

[Exit Cady.