SCENE 1

The Heron residence.

Enter GRETCHEN WIENERS and KAREN SMITH.

GRETCHEN The first ball held at Cady’s parents’ house!

How fortunate we are to be her friends.

KAREN Indeed! The luckiest of women we!

Enter CADY HERON.

CADY O, welcome, friends! Your outfits are supreme

And fit for any palace, hall, or court.

This night we’ll hold within our mem’ries. O!

We’ll have no more of slander, fraud, or con,

We shall be harpies neither, gossips nor.

GRETCHEN Thou art so wise, and beautifully attir’d!

CADY I am! ’Tis not a boast when ’tis the truth.

Tonight, I have secur’d a block of cheese

And wafers plentiful enow for eight.

Think ye that such a total shall suffice?

GRETCHEN [aside:] We have invited many more than eight,

Yet I would not upset good Cady. [To Cady:] Yea!

Enter many STUDENTS to the party, including JASON, TAYLOR WEDELL, and KEVIN GNAPOOR.

CADY ’Tis not enow, as now I plainly see—

The word of our small gathering hath been

Announc’d unto the world, as by a herald

Proclaiming some glad news of an event,

The tidings whereof all the folk would hear.

GRETCHEN My Jason is arriv’d, but comes with Taylor,

She of the cursèd family Wedell.

KAREN He doth but use the wench to drive thee mad.

CADY ’Mongst all who hither come, have ye seen Aaron?

JASON The music in this house is wondrous strange—

Let’s play the Ramayana Monkey Chant!

[The doorbell rings.

CADY [aside:] Who are these people ringing at the door?

A newfound group I do not recognize.

Enter more STUDENTS to the party.

Do I know ye, who unfamiliar art?

STUD. 9 [seeing a student inside:] Good Deek, thou dog!

CADY [aside:] —So burly

            and so odd.

’Tis not the gathering I did intend,

For did my parents know, they would be wroth.

Enter REGINA GEORGE and SHANE OMAN, outside the house.

REGINA Doth she imagine she shall hold a party,

Inviting ev’ry student save myself?

It shall not be—I am Regina George,

And, like my namesake, stand as queen o’er all.

What pretense doth she ply, to be so bold?

SHANE Thou hast it right, my fragile, fragrant flow’r.

REGINA ’Tis not absurd to say I made her—aye,

Just as the potter makes the jar of clay,

And may—an she so willeth—smash it, too.

Fie!

Enter AARON SAMUELS to the party.

AARON [aside:]   —Marry, ’tis an unexpected scene.

Methought ’twould be a gath’ring intimate,

With Cady and a few companions only.

My prior expectations I’ll adjust—

I may still author lines to sway the crowd.

[Gretchen approaches Jason.

GRETCHEN Dissembling Jason, may I speak a word?

[Gretchen falls, intoxicated.

TAYLOR This drama is too rich a spectacle—

I shall not be an actor on this stage.

[Exit Taylor. Gretchen starts to arise.

GRETCHEN I love thee, Jason, heartily.

JASON     —I know.

Pray rest thy head and heart in me, my dove.

[Two students begin playing catch with a vase.

CADY Pray, set that down, for ’tis a priceless vase!

[Aside:] O, where is Aaron? Hath he turn’d me down?

Shall I read absence as rejection total?

Another drink shall steel my worried nerves.

[Cady sips her drink.

KEVIN Good evening, Africa, how dost thou fare?

Thy friend, e’en Gretchen Wieners, told me all—

With thee I’ll share the product of our discourse.

CADY [aside:] Alas, hath Gretchen slyly told him of

Some false infatuation of my heart?

KEVIN While I am flatter’d by thine interest,

It must be circumscrib’d ere it expands.

When romance adds a lass unto my life,

She shall be someone bless’d with vivid hues—

To put it plain: thy palette is too white.

CADY Thy words do move—

KEVIN  —Thine undivided heart?

CADY My bladder; I must urinate anon.

[Exit Kevin.

My house entire is overrun and wild,

Each room suffus’d with hormones, japes, and fools.

In this one, here is Gretchen kissing Jason,

As if they hop’d to make their faces one.

Yet, as I enter, Gretchen sees me here

And slappeth him, continuing their show.

[Cady enters her room.

Here is another room, mine own, indeed—

[To two students:] Be gone, I tell ye, I must take my

                  rest.

[Cady walks aside within her room. Regina enters the party.

REGINA I’ll find the base, deceiving little harpy,

Hiding her bitter jests in blunt behavior.

[Cady walk aside into her bathroom.

AARON [aside:] Regina! I had hop’d she’d not be here.

I’ll make escape and hide me in a trice.

[Aaron enters Cady’s room.

A party too unruly for my taste—

This room shall be a refuge for my mind.

’Tis Cady’s, if mine eyes deceive me not,

For these her garments are, and these her portraits,

The marks and wonders of her private sphere.

This photograph—the Plastics, one and all,

With Cady’s lovely visage in a scowl,

As if she’d learn’d Regina’s ev’ry move.

Behind it, though, another, better scene:

Young Cady, as a child, astride a beast,

An elephant of monstrous girth and weight,

Which holds its trunk aloft with mighty bray,

And almost smiles—if elephants may smile—

As though it knew what precious, charming cargo

It carried on its ample, potent back.

Sweet Cady, innocent and still a girl,

With hair in tails and knees unkempt with dirt,

Doth beam like one who ne’er was happier.

This is the Cady whom I’ve come to love,

Not she who is but plastic, fake, and cruel.

[Cady comes back into her room.

AARON Holla, kind Cady.

CADY  —Aaron come! But how?

AARON Most ev’rywhere throughout the house I search’d,

Yet could not find thee anywhere till now.

CADY For thee I look’d as well, I leap’d and lurch’d.

AARON Thy garments are a banquet for the eyes—

Hast thou obtain’d them lately? Are they new?

CADY My thanks, thy compliment is sweet surprise.

AARON Shall we downstairs, the party to pursue?

CADY With thee, herein, I’d happily remain.

[She pulls him to the bed, where they both sit.

AARON Thanks for the invitation for tonight.

CADY ’Tis pleasure to have thee in my domain.

AARON Too long I’ve let Regina blind my sight,

Mine anger over her hath work’d me woe.

No more would I have liars in my life.

CADY Ne’er would I lie to thee, as thou must know.

AARON Indeed I do; ne’er couldst thou bring me strife.

CADY Although, one word of falsehood I’ll admit—

I’ll warrant thou shalt laugh at the confession.

AARON What is it?

CADY      —I did feign to be unfit

At mathematics, though ’tis my obsession.

’Twas done because I hop’d I’d win thy favor.

Yet, truly, I’m not bad at math, but smart.

The truth is like fine wine that one may savor—

I am quite skill’d at math, more than thou art!

The situation grows yet funnier,

For now at mathematics I am failing.

AARON This problem must, in time, grow sunnier.

Thou fail’st on purpose? Foolishness prevailing!

CADY It was not purposeful, nay, by my troth,

Yet gave me reason for to speak with thee.

AARON Next time I bid thee—yea, make thou an oath:

Whenever thou desirest, talk to me.

CADY Nay, I could not, due to Regina George.

She stak’d her claim an ’twere a property.

AARON Her property? No shackles did she forge.

CADY Shut up thy mouth—

AARON    —Nay, it may never be!

CADY Apologies, I did not mean to say—

AARON By heaven, this is worse than I had thought.

Thou art too much in mean Regina’s sway,

As if thou wert a clone that she had wrought.

CADY Nay, listen, Aaron, thou dost not hear well.

[Aside:] Alas, it cometh—vomit in my words.

Nay, not in words—O torment come from hell!

[Regina enters Cady’s room.

REGINA What is this scene?

CADY [aside:]      —Real vomit, come in herds!

[Cady vomits on Aaron. Aaron begins to leave. Exeunt all except Cady as she pursues Aaron outside the front door of the house.

O, Aaron, wait! Call on me soon, my sweet.

Enter JANIS IAN and DAMIAN outside the house, driving by in Damian’s car.

[Aside:] Alas, ’tis Janis, whom I did betray.

JANIS Thou dirty, lying knave.

CADY     —I shall explain!

JANIS Explain how thou didst somehow quite forget

To give thy friends an invitation, eh?

Friends are not for forgetting, Cady, nay,

And parties are where thou shouldst want us most.

DAMIAN The car’s progression, Janis, I’ll not stop—

I durst not flout the curfew from my parents.

CADY You know that I could not invite ye here—

My duty ’twas, pretending to be Plastic.

JANIS No pretense ’tis. Nay, ’tis reality.

Thou Plastic art: cold, shiny, and unbending.

DAMIAN My curfew’s one—the time turns to one ten.

JANIS Thy and thine awesome, newfound friends withal—

Did ye enjoy yourselves, I wonder? Ha!

Did ye drink alcohol that pleas’d your minds?

Did ye play music that amus’d your souls?

Did ye bask in each other’s awesomeness?

CADY Thou art the one who made me as I am,

To use me for thine overdue revenge,

Which thou didst cling to from an eighth-grade

               slight.

JANIS At least Regina George and I do know

That we are vicious, mean, and spiteful, too.

Thou dost pretend thou art an innocent—

“I liv’d in Afric,” thou dost gladly claim,

“The birdies and the monkeys were my friends!”

CADY ’Tis not my fault thou art in love with me.

JANIS What madness?

DAMIAN    —Say she did not speak those words.

JANIS ’Tis what you Plastics do with utmost skill:

Ye think the world enamor’d of yourselves,

When ’tis far truer ye are hated widely.

Take Aaron Samuels, whom thou fawnest for—

He broke with his Regina. Nonetheless,

He still doth not regard thee with love’s eye.

Then wherefore dost thou meddle with Regina?

Here is the reason: thou a mean girl art—

A wench, a strumpet, and a soulless rogue!

[Janis throws a rolled-up painting at Cady.

Take thou this portrait, for I want it not—

It won a prize that now turns sour to me.

Fie on it! I am gone, though I am here:

There is no love in thee. [To Damian:] Pray, let us go.

DAMIAN My tunic pink, thou must return to me!

[Exeunt Janis and Damian. Cady unrolls the portrait.

CADY Her portrait doth convict, an ’twere a judge.

Herein I see we three most happy friends—

Myself, kind Janis, we with Damian,

As if we were three tight-knit musketeers,

Inseparable as the trinity.

O, how I have behav’d—or misbehav’d—

The friendship they did freely proffer me

I have return’d at best derisively.

Have I become the evil I deplore?

Forgive me, friends; I shall yet make this right.

[Exit Cady.

Enter REGINA GEORGE and SHANE OMAN, approaching Regina’s car.

SHANE I prithee, calm thyself. Be thou not so fierce.

REGINA Existeth anyone I still may trust?

[Regina begins to eat a Kälteen bar.

SHANE Why eatest thou a Kälteen bar, Regina?

REGINA My stomach feeleth famish’d, verily.

To be betray’d is hungry work, indeed.

SHANE Those bars are most despicable to me.

Coach Carr gives them to us when he desires

That we increase our weight class for the team.

REGINA What didst thou say?

SHANE  —They swiftly boost one’s weight

And add onto one’s girth. Perchance to eat

Pure fat would better work, yet not by much.

REGINA Fie, fie, O monstrous, common-kissing lout!

That artless, lumpish, motley-minded flirt-gill!

[Exit Shane in dismay.

What, will none suffer me? Nay, now I see

She is the treasure, she must have a boyfriend;

I must dance barefoot on her wedding day

And for her sake to her lead apes in hell.

[Regina finds the Burn Book in her car.

Where is the Burn Book I have lately scorn’d?

It shall fulfill my purpose presently.

Revenge shall be most swift and terrible—

The world entire shall know how rank she is.

Let it be writ: “This girl’s a skanky whore,

The nastiest whom ever I have met.

Trust her no wise—she fugly is forsooth!”

These words, however, I pen not of her—

But place my picture underneath the words.

Thus shall the book become a Cady share,

Wherewith I’ll ruin her beyond repair.

[Exit Regina.