SCENE 3
At North Shore High School.
Enter REGINA GEORGE, dressing for the Fling of Spring, with LADY GEORGE.
LADY G. Your face, my daughter, is a book where men
May read strange matters. To beguile the time,
Look like the time; bear welcome in your eye,
Your hand, your tongue: look like the inn’cent flower,
But be the serpent under it. So shalt
Thou be the Fling of Spring queen as thou shouldst.
REGINA I am as regal as befits a queen,
Though crown’d by neck brace rather than pure gold.
Be gentle, Mother, ere thou hurt’st me more.
Enter GRETCHEN WIENERS, aside, dressing for the Fling of Spring.
GRETCHEN This hair, this dress, this necklace—each piece shall
Conceal me what I am, and be my aid
For such disguise as haply shall become
The form of my intent. I shall succeed—
Plain Gretchen by the day, by night a queen.
Enter KAREN SMITH, aside, dressing for the Fling of Spring in front of a mirror.
KAREN A perfect K form’d on my perfect chest,
Of diamonds made, in sparkling glory shines.
I strive not to be queen of Fling of Spring—
It is an honor that I dream not of—
Yet I shall be a faithful courtesan.
[Karen turns from the mirror, revealing that the K is backward.
Enter JANIS IAN and DAMIAN, dressing for the Fling of Spring.
DAMIAN Tuxedos made of purple cloth are ours—
Imperial in hue, like Rome of old.
JANIS We two, like twins, shall grace the Fling of Spring—
Thou Romulus, I Remus, we shall reign.
[Regina, Lady George, Gretchen, Karen, Janis, and Damian converge at Fling of Spring.
Enter AARON SAMUELS, SHANE OMAN, SIR DUVALL, and many other STUDENTS and TEACHERS at the Fling of Spring.
DAMIAN Forget not, ev’ryone, to cast your votes
For who’ll be queen and king of Fling of Spring!
The dismal court of popularity
Shall represent ye for the coming year.
It is your civic duty, by my troth!
STUD. 25 Methinks I shall vote for Regina George,
Who was unfairly wallop’d by a bus.
STUD. 26 Yet Cady Heron is my ballot’s choice,
For she did push Regina valiantly.
SHANE Come, sweet Regina, let us stand and pose
To make a portrait for posterity.
[Regina and Shane pose to have their photograph taken.
LADY G. [aside:] A moment pure, a couple purer still!
I cannot help but in the background stand,
That I may take my place in history.
Enter LADY HERON and SIR HERON. They approach SIR DUVALL.
LADY H. Have you seen Cady Heron, Sir Duvall?
She should be grounded, but my doltish husband
Releas’d her from our presence by mistake.
SIR H. I did not know! Do you know “grounding,” sir?
DUVALL Young Cady is not here; I’ve seen her not.
Behold! She cometh with the Mathlete team.
Enter CADY HERON, MADAM NORBURY, KEVIN GNAPOOR, TIM PAK, and other Mathlete STUDENTS. SIR DUVALL mounts the stage.
[To all:] Now ’tis the time to gather nominees
For queen and king of Fling of Spring on stage.
[Regina, Janis, Gretchen, Shane, and three other lads join Sir Duvall on the stage.
Ere I announce, hear this: you all are winners,
E’en ye who lose are winners in your hearts.
I could not gladder be that this year endeth,
And with it all the challenges therein.
Now to the prize: the Fling of Spring king is
Shane Oman.
[All applaud.
SHANE —Ha! My proper recompense!
For sans a doubt I am most kingly, yea,
King of all I survey throughout the school!
LADY H. I’ll signal Cady—she must hither come
And face our wrath for not remaining grounded.
DUVALL Your Fling of Spring queen—future cochair of
The board of student-led activities,
And winner of two gift certificates
Unto the Walker Brothers Pancake House—
Is Cady Heron.
LADY H. —What? My precious lass?
[All applaud.
DUVALL Where, then, is Cady? I did spy her once.
Ah, now I see her. Join me on the stage.
[Cady mounts the stage. Sir Duvall places a crown on her head.
CADY You have my thanks—this meaneth much to me,
You have my disbelief and wonder, too.
DUVALL ’Tis not requir’d that thou shalt speechify.
CADY I am near finish’d, sir, you have my word.
Half of the students in this room are angry—
Upset at me and all the things I’ve done.
The other only like me for the rumor
That I push’d someone in a busly path.
In neither case doth this sit well with me.
To all the people who were damag’d by
The Burn Book and its contents horrible,
I am so sorry—more than you can know.
[Cady removes her crown.
Ne’er in my life have I attended such
A fanciful event as Fling of Spring.
When I bethink me how this honor was
Desir’d and treasur’d by so many here,
How many tears were spill’d o’er what it means,
I wholly am bereft. For look around,
How lucky we are to be alive right now—
Each person here is dress’d like royalty.
See Jessica Lopez, with dress astounding—
Of orange hue, amazing to observe.
Good Emma Gerber there, thy hair is fine,
Undoubtedly it took thee hours to style
And thou dost brighter shine than ev’ry star.
Why are we, then, distress’d about this token?
It is mere plastic, which doth eas’ly break.
[Cady breaks her crown into pieces.
DAMIAN Alas, to see it break doth rend my heart!
CADY What if we shar’d the honor, all of us?
[Cady begins throwing pieces of the crown to others.
A piece for Gretchen Wieners, earnest lass,
A partial queen of Fling of Spring most charming.
A piece for Janis Ian, friend most true.
DUVALL Most people take the crown and leave the stage.
CADY A piece, as well, for our Regina George,
Who spine was fractur’d, yet she gloweth still.
More, too, for all the other lasses here—
Each one of you a spirit beautiful.
[All applaud as Cady continues throwing pieces of the crown.
LADY H. [aside:] How can a mother’s angriness endure
When pride o’erwhelmeth anger in her heart?
CADY By heaven, Sir Duvall, has this not gone
On long enow? Pray, end the ceremony.
DUVALL Ha, ha! Thou hast done admirably, Cady.
Enjoy yourselves, you young ones. Strike up, pipers!
[All students descend from the stage to dance.
JANIS [to Damian:] Behold, I am a queen, with crown to
prove’t!
DAMIAN I also am!
CADY [approaching:]—Holla, my friends.
JANIS —Holla.
CADY Are we still fighting, or shall truce be call’d?
JANIS Art thou still ass-like, or be callèd kind?
CADY My days of assery I leave behind.
JANIS My days of fighting thee I leave as well.
DAMIAN This song that plays—I love it, yea, I do!
JANIS This song that plays—I hate it, yea, I do!
CADY This song that plays—I know it, yea, I do!
DAMIAN Behind thee, Cady, comes man candy hither.
[Aaron approaches. Janis and Damian turn away to give Cady privacy.
CADY Good even, Aaron.
AARON —By my troth, I thought
Thou wouldst not make it to the Fling of Spring.
[He pulls certificates from his pocket.
As agent of the seniors, ’tis my spot
To thee two gift certificates to bring.
[Janis and Damian grab one gift certificate.
JANIS My thanks, thou jester!
DAMIAN —Sooth, we fly like fairies!
AARON ’Tis then a single gift certificate
Unto the Walker Brothers Pancake House.
CADY My thanks, sweet Aaron. I shall treasure it.
[They begin to dance.
AARON Congratulations on thy win, sweet mouse—
I hear the Mathletes beat the state entire.
CADY How nervous was I! Limits near did end me.
Indeed, methought some vomit might transpire.
AARON How is thy stomach? Say if I should fend me.
CADY It feeleth fine.
AARON —Not e’en the smallest grumble?
An thou art nauseous, wilt tell me so?
CADY Indeed.
AARON —No drinking, neither?
CADY —I’ll not stumble.
AARON Then all is grool—I fear no greater woe.
[They kiss. Aside, Janis and Damian dance.
JANIS Shall we endeavor kissing, as they do?
[Janis and Damian kiss.
DAMIAN Foul, foul!
JANIS —’Twas a profound mistake!
DAMIAN —Forsooth!
[Exit Damian. Kevin approaches Janis.
KEVIN Where one departs, another takes its place—
This fraction is mine opportunity.
JANIS May I help thee?
KEVIN —Art thou, lass, Puerto Rican?
The island hath a quotient of my soul.
JANIS Nay, Lebanese.
KEVIN —I feel that in my bones—
A function of my reverence for thee.
[All freeze as Cady comes forward.
CADY Our tale concludeth for the present moment.
Yet, ere we go, we’ll tell the futures of
The characters ye witness’d in our play.
The Plastics were disbanded, happily,
A mercy for the school and for each one.
Regina’s spine did heal from tip to tip.
Her therapist help’d her to channel rage
By playing contact sports with eager will.
’Twas perfect, for the jock girls lov’d her so,
Were not afeard of her great vehemence.
Meanwhile, sweet Karen us’d her talent rare
To make prognostication of the weather.
Each morning she could tell the town entire—
By using the two sensors on her chest—
The temp’rature and likeliness of rain.
Kind Gretchen found herself another clique,
A new queen bee to serve and praise withal—
Wherein her vast Korean language skills
Were treasur’d by her newfound Asian friends.
Mine Aaron went to university—
Northwestern, near enow that I may see him
When swiftly run the days from week to weekend.
And last, I went from homeschool’d jungle freak
To shiny Plastic—fake and terrible—
To the most-hated person in the school,
To, finally, a normal human soul.
Our Janis and her Kevin were as one,
And ev’rything was happily resolv’d.
The drama of the year did pass us by
And seem’d not so important in the next.
Once, school was like a shark tank, baring teeth,
Yet now ’tis simpler, letting us each float.
Girl World hath found a peace within itself.
And though the Junior Plastics did arrive,
Repeating the mistakes we once did make,
A solid bus careening through the street
Shall set them in their place most ardently.
Nay, ’tis not so—I purely am in jest.
Although the world, like tempest, ’round us whirls,
We dwell in peace, no more to be mean girls.
[Exeunt omnes.