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“What in the hell just happened to me?” Tanya said silently in between deep breaths.
Standing in front of the full-length mirror, she took one final glance in the wedding gown. The dress that once symbolized becoming a Mrs., represented pain, confusion, and doubt that she’d be able to bounce back. There was no backup plan for heartache with Kenneth. The wedding was supposed to happen. That day, a blank page was dumped on her to write a new plan, without a guide to help navigate through the turmoil.
Running her hands down the additional beading, freshly sewn, derived more reminders. Ms. Lucy wouldn’t have photos to showcase the beautiful masterpiece. Tanya fell deeper into sadness thinking about the wasted time she put into the dress.
“He didn’t even get to see this. I did this for him. I did ALL of this for him!” She wept.
As her breathing grew out of control, she grabbed her chest, feeling the dismay. Heaving in and out; disoriented in the wedding gown. Sadly, everyone downstairs was unaware of the demur chaos taking place in the master bedroom. Her feet moved back and forth in a tango motion; causing more disorganized body movements.
“I did all of this for him...I did it for him.” She repeated in a huff.
The panic attack dance ended with a stumble to the floor. Tanya laid on her back and watched the ceiling spin. The mirage of the ceiling circulating, helped the huffing slowly return to normal breaths. An imaginary dose of novocaine hit, which signaled a moment of meditation. Since that was the best she’d felt in the past few hours, Tanya sunk into the blank introspection.
Ironically, the mental vacancy gave her the strength to bathe. She managed a short crawl towards the nightstand to help her up. The zombie state allowed her to function.
Part of her wanted to dive into the tub, dress and all. Out of respect for Ms. Lucy’s over-worked hands, she peeled out of the gown and climbed in. Sinking into the hot water, the tears returned. The steam was the cure for the mini-trance. Tanya slowly started to feel again, thinking about the hours Ms. Lucy put in to create the dress. At first, the tears came at a moderate pace. No words, just tears building up to the much-needed release to begin healing.
A belted cry left her lips, getting the attention of Tamara coming up the stairs. She ran into the bathroom where she found her daughter weeping into wet hands.
“Baby.” She whispered. “It’s okay. Let it out.”
As the cries came in small and huge spurts, Tanya was bathed as if she was an infant. The room was silent as the calming waters splashed from her body sent contentment between them.
Following the bath, Tanya was left alone to get dressed as her brothers returned with food. She didn’t want to go downstairs to eat; it would’ve only led to unwarranted conversations and comments about the day. Taking one last look at the phone with missed calls from everyone except Kenneth, she decided to sleep the rest of the day away. Just as she placed the powerless phone to the side, an idea of how to get that needed sleep came to mind.
She hastily searched through bathroom drawers and the medicine cabinet. Behind bottles of rubbing alcohol and peroxide, she found allergy pills. Those pills were her only answer to getting through the day. The phrase, “May cause drowsiness”, printed in blue letters was the key to prevent more sadness. Two minutes later, Tanya downed three pills, with water scooped from the faucet.
Dressed in an old college t-shirt and tube socks, she climbed into bed and plunged deep into the covers. Her brother, Lewis, came into the room minutes later, finding his sister hidden by the white rose printed duvet. He left her alone, with hopes that a good rest would help ease her out of the shock.
The next morning, Tanya was awakened by a neighbor dragging the garbage can from the curb. 5:30 AM and the sky appeared as nightfall. Hair in a mess, she sat up in bed and looked at a broken soul in the full-length mirror. Not wanting to face the dreadful day after a canceled wedding, she scurried out of bed for more pills.
At 2PM, Tanya woke up, used the bathroom, and then took two more pills to remedy staying awake. Just as she finished swallowing, Shauna entered the room.
“Do you want anything to eat?” She hesitantly crept in.
“No, I just want to sleep.” Tanya answered in a raspy voice. “Has anyone heard from Kenneth?”
Shauna reluctantly shook her head, knowing the answer killed her friend’s spirits.
“I figured that.” She felt chunks of stress and agony rising within.
Shauna stepped out to take a call, which made Tanya remember that her phone was powered-off from the previous day. She threw off the covers and got out of bed but hesitant thoughts stopped her.
Why do I need to turn on my phone? He didn’t call.
Reluctant to face the possible reality of his name not appearing on the phone, she returned to the duvet cave to sleep.
Soon after, her brother appeared at the door with bags in hand.
“He little sis.” Ryan shook her. “Lewis and I are heading to the airport. I’m sorry, we can’t stay longer.”
Tanya emerged from the covers in a drowsy state. “It’s okay. I understand. Call me when you land.”
“We will.” Lewis replied. “Get some rest. Everything will be okay. If you want, you can join me and my buddies, backpacking in Dublin next month.”
“I’ll think about it.” She grinned.
Ryan gave Tanya a sincere look; wishing the pain she endured would disappear. “He never deserved you. Now you can live the life YOU want.”
“He’s right. That’s why you need to come backpacking with me. I have a few single buddies and..”
“Lewis!” Ryan exclaimed.
“It’s okay Ry.” She let out a soft laugh. “Hurry up and get out of here. Don’t want you two to miss your flight.”
“I can come back down if you need me to.” Ryan said grabbing his duffle bag.
“No need. I may be off to Dublin with your crazy brother.”
“Get some rest. I’ll call you later.” Lewis said, kissing her on the forehead.
As they left, Shauna re-entered the room.
“I’m taking them to the airport, and run some errands. Don’t worry about dealing with anything, me and your parents are handling it. Just rest. And make sure you eat something.”
“Thank you. I will.” Tanya replied, sliding back into her cave.
The pills kicked in, and she was back to sleep. Throughout the forced slumber, no dreams of Kenneth occurred. She dreamt of random adventures and crazy extremities that had no way of making itself into reality. The dreamy utopia was a huge relief.
Later that evening, Tanya woke up to her father and Rod speaking in the living room. The intense conversation prompted her to head to the top of the stairs and listen. Rod caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of his eye and stopped mid-sentence.
“Hey Tanya, you wanna eat something? Your mother cooked before she left.” He said abruptly.
“Where did she go?” Tanya asked, pushing hair out of her face.
“She and Shauna went to Kenneth’s house to go pick up most of your clothes.” Moses answered. “We would have gone but....well I just didn’t want to risk seeing him and do somethin’ stupid.”
“Has anyone talked to him?” She limped down the stairs.
“Yea...I have.” Rod replied, slumping his head to the floor.
“Are you ok baby girl?” Her father asked, rushing to assist his daughter.
“I’m fine, my foot’s asleep. So...So Rod, what did he say?”
Rod sighed deeply, before responding. “He called earlier, while you were asleep. He said he tried to reach you but kept getting the voicemail. Nothing else after that. Do you want to call him back? We’ll sit with you if you need us.”
“That’s it?! Kenneth didn’t even attempt to come over here?!” Tanya wept. “I’m going back to sleep.”
She moved away from her father and swiftly limped back up the stairs.
Retreating to her room, she downed the last three pills. Tanya looked at herself in the mirror and immediately loathed what she had become. She never thought things would get to the point of using meds to cope.
Tanya then focused on the engagement ring, shining on her finger. In a hate-filled rage, she snatched off the ring and threw it across the room. The sound of it bouncing off the wall sent her back into a pacing fit. Only that time, it wasn’t silent. She cried out with each step, alarming Rod and Moses. They rushed upstairs and found her in a state of panic. Moses grabbed his daughter, trying his best to provide support. Rod found empty allergy pill packets on the nightstand along with the box.
“How many of these did you take?!” He yelled, shaking the box in the air.
Tanya managed to hold up three fingers while the two men wondered if she was trying to kill herself.
“I-I....” She cried out. “I just want to sleep! All I want to do is sleep! I can’t face this mess!”
“I know baby girl. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But you can’t stay posted up in your bed, sleeping your days away. There’s a blessing in this baby girl. It hurts now, but you’ll be blessed when the pain is gone.” Moses said, rocking his distraught daughter.
“Your dad is right Tanya. We’re all here for you. Whenever you need to talk, vent, cry, whatever. But you have to let us be there for you. You can’t try to heal yourself like this.” Rod said.
He threw away the empty packets and searched for more pills to keep out of her sight.
“Don’t turn to bad habits to help you through this. Turn to God, turn to your family and friends. We won’t allow this to pull you down.” Her father said, wiping her tears.
“Thank you. I’m sorry. I-I just didn’t know what else to do. I wasn’t trying to hurt myself, honestly. I just wanted to sleep. This hurts so badly.”
“It’s okay baby girl.” Moses replied. “Come on downstairs, I’ll fix you something to eat and tomorrow, you’re getting out of this house for some fresh air.”
Just as they reached the bottom of the staircase, Shauna and Tamara entered the front door. Shauna took one look at her friend holding on to her father and was alarmed.
“OMG what happened?!?! Is she okay?” She asked dropping bags on the floor.
“She’ll be fine babe. We just needed to get her out of that room.” Rod replied in a calm tone.
“Baby, mama’s here. I’m going to put your clothes up in the guest room. Eat something, please. For your mother. Please eat.” She begged. “Make her some soup Moses.”
“I got her.” He replied laying his daughter on the sofa.
As Tanya ate, she felt drowsy. The meds were surely kicking in. No longer able to fight it, she sat her bowl of half-eaten soup on the coffee table and laid down. Shauna came to her side, covering her with a blanket and rubbed her BFFs head as she slipped back into dreamland.
“Shauna, remind Tanya to call her boss tomorrow. She stopped by today to check on her, and they want to talk to her about a new job opportunity.” Tamara said washing dishes.
“Ok, I’ll make sure she does that.” Shauna replied keeping her eyes on her friend. “How long are you guys staying?”
“As long as she needs us. We’re both retired and our neighbors are watching the house. I don’t feel right leaving my girl here like this.”
“Right.” Moses chimed in. “She needs us.”
The next morning, Tanya woke up with a frown. Kenneth was on her mind. Her morning thoughts consisted of lying in bed next to him, living the life she had prepared for. Waking up on the sofa reaffirmed, once again, the pain of him abandoning her on their wedding day. Throughout that time, she had no clear answers. Deep down, she no longer wanted any.
“I’m going to love you forever.” The voice of Kenneth’s final sweet words danced in her head.
Anger arose from those words, along with a boost of energy that sent her upstairs to take a shower. She walked up to the engagement photo sitting on a table in the hallway.
SMASH! Tanya knocked the framed picture to the floor.
Gratification came over her as she stared at the broken glass sprinkled on top of the picture. To her, there was no need in keeping memories of happy times with Kenneth.
The noise woke her father, who rushed out of bed to see what was going on. He quickly found the frame, scattered in front of a bold Tanya.
“Whelp, guess I need to get the broom.” Moses smirked.
She walked into the master bathroom and started the shower. Not acknowledging her father and his small joke.
With all she was going through mentally, she refused to call Kenneth. He was also afraid to come to her home, as he knew Moses had words and fists for him.
As the water warmed, Tanya went into her room to find a nice outfit for the day. On her dresser, she found a note from Shauna to call her boss ASAP. She placed the note on the bed and returned to the bathroom.
As Tamara finished cooking breakfast, Tanya came downstairs with her phone and notepad in hand.
“Hey baby, I’m so glad to see you up.” She said. “Come sit down and eat.”
“Ok mom. Hey daddy.” She kissed her father on the cheek, then took a seat next to him.
“Hey, baby girl! How ya’ feeling?” He folded the newspaper.
“Eh...I’m okay. I just got off the phone with my boss. She presented me with a job opportunity to think about. They are shutting down their Paris office and moving operations to London. She wants me to go over there to work in the finance department.” She explained.
“London!? Wow, that’s a long way from here. Are you up for it?” Moses asked.
“It’s surprising but...yea. I have nothing else left here.” Tanya shrugged. “Might as well go.”
“Wait Tanya. I know Kenneth hurt you, but don’t make rash decisions based on his stupid choices. Plus, you need to talk to him and figure this all out.” Tamara joined them at the table.
“Tamara, what is there for her to talk to him about? He made his choice when he left our baby girl at the altar. Why are you thinking about Kenneth now?” Her father scolded.
“Look, I know what he did. But it’s Tanya’s heart. She needs to figure out whether this relationship is worth saving. Packing up and moving to London right now, won’t help.” She replied, trying to keep her cool.
“How much does he REALLY care about Tanya? Not one damn bit! Let that dumbass go baby girl. Go get that job, and we’ll be ready to visit you at any time.” Moses fussed.
“MOSES!” Tamara exclaimed. “It’s Tanya’s decision. Don’t push her into something that she may regret. She and Kenneth have a history and they need to set...”
“Mom, Dad stop it!” Tanya interrupted. “I don’t want you two fighting over this. And dad is right. Kenneth doesn’t care. I’m in pain and he caused it. He lied when he said that he’ll love me forever. He didn’t even give forever a chance. I need to start thinking about moving on with my life. I can’t sit around here crying, sleeping, and waiting for him to come to his senses. He made his choice and his choice was to leave me. I don’t need anything else from him. I passed up an opportunity like this the first time, FOR HIM, and look where it got me. Living in this country ass state, broken, angry, and alone. I put my dreams aside for him and he NEVER put anything aside for me.”
As she spoke those words tears formed again. But the tears weren’t from pain. Tanya was mad as hell.