Have you ever forced yourself to go to bed when you weren't tired? Perhaps you had an early meeting or an airplane to catch the next day, so you went to bed early. You weren't tired, so you lay there staring at the ceiling, shifting positions on the bed, arranging and rearranging your covers. You knew you should sleep, but sleep eluded you. Your frustration in knowing that you should sleep may have made you more wide awake, so it took you even longer to settle to sleep.
What I've just described is how many children feel when they are put to bed. Mommy or Daddy says, "Go to sleep now," and the child lies awake, waiting for sleep to happen. Wide awake, she might decide she needs a visit to the bathroom, a drink of water, or some company. She hops out of bed and roams the house. A parent shows up to usher her back to bed with the same words, "Go to sleep." Not knowing how to respond, but feeling stressed and confused, she thinks, "I don't know how!"
Kid-Speak |
("Is it easy to fall asleep?") "Never ever ever ever." |
—Naomi, age six |
To catch a glimpse of how some children feel about falling asleep, here are a few of the answers I received from children as part of their sleep surveys:
I think that these answers demonstrate that many children get in bed but aren't sure what to do when they get there. It can be helpful to follow a soothing prebedtime routine (page 59) that helps create feelings of sleepiness. That is the first step, but sometimes a routine by itself isn't enough. It may help to teach your child exactly how to relax and fall asleep once in bed.
There are many different approaches to relaxation, and what follows is information on some of the techniques. Look them over and decide if any seem right for your little one; then spend a few weeks experimenting with the process. You can even customize your own approach based on what you learn.
A very common component in many families' bedtime ritual is storytime, and for good reason. A child who is listening to a book will tend to lie still and focus his attention on the story. This quiet stillness will allow him to become sleepy. In addition to the relaxation value of a good book or story, there are a number of other reasons that it's a great idea to end your child's bedtime routine with stories:
• A parent who can relax and enjoy the reading portion of the evening will find it a peaceful way to end the day with the child.
• Reading together with your child is something pleasant that you can share. It becomes an enjoyable bonding process.
• If you are putting more than one child to bed, you'll find that a reading session can keep everyone happy and in one place. (Many a mother—myself included—has nursed the baby while having a child cuddled on either side of her during storytime!)
• Reading to your child is the most important key to her future academic success.
Often the days get too busy to fit in much reading time, so reading books as part of your bedtime routine ensures that your child gains the benefit of a daily reading session. In our family, we've always had a very long and wonderful reading time before bed with all of our children. Part of the ritual involved going to the library every two weeks and filling a large plastic tub with a new assortment of books. (They are free, you know!) Not only has the bedtime reading become a tradition in our home, but all of our children have become superb readers.
While reading books is a great way to help a child relax for sleep, some kids who aren't tired enough will easily have you read book after book after book, and the only person falling asleep is the one reading them! If your child is like this, then you should definitely continue to read books, since it is such an important component to intellectual development, and one that he obviously enjoys. You don't, however, have to read for endless hours. Put a limit on the number of books or the length of reading time, and then shut off the light and play a children's story recording or tell a story yourself. Playing a recording or telling a tale in the dark will not only keep your little scholar happy but will also help him relax and fall asleep.
If you choose to be the storyteller, you may find your child becoming attached to a particular story or theme. If the story features your child as the main character, it's even more likely to happen. While you may find this boring, your child will love the predictability of hearing his regular nighttime story.
A wonderful assortment of children's audiobooks is available at bookstores, online, or at your library. Just choose soothing stories. Avoid those that are too exciting or rousing, and avoid any that could be scary or disturbing right before sleep.
Very often children are so full of energy that they find it hard to relax enough to allow sleep to happen. A lovely way to end the day and help a child settle to sleep is with massage. Massage can help promote relaxation and relieve stress or tension. Some studies have even demonstrated that massage can help young children develop a more regular, consistent sleep cycle and, in some cases, can help them sleep longer and more soundly.
A prebedtime massage can be as simple as a back rub or foot massage, or a more practiced full-body rub after the evening bath. There are many massage classes available to parents, often through hospital education programs or massage clinics. Also, a number of books have been written on the topic of massage for children. The key is to be gentle and to respond to your child's reactions. After a few sessions, you'll learn what works best with your little one.
Massage is often effective as a specific last step in the bedtime routine. You'll want your child to brush his teeth, use the toilet (or put on the nighttime diaper), and get that last drink of water before you begin your nighttime rubs. Then he can drift off to sleep after you've helped his body to relax. Having your child pop out of bed for a last-minute potty break can defeat the purpose of the tranquil massage!
Regular bedtime massage can help your child associate relaxation and sleep with his bed, and that association is an important factor in helping him fall asleep. Children love to be held and caressed, and incorporating massage into your nightly routine can be very special and bonding for both you and your child.
This effective technique has been practiced since the early 1940s. It involves focusing on each part of the body in turn and causing relaxation one part at a time. You can talk your child through the process for a number of weeks, and eventually he'll be able to do this on his own.
Here's one example of how this might work: At the end of your bedtime routine have your child lie in bed. Sit or lie beside him and talk to him in a gentle, soothing voice, giving relaxation instructions starting from the toes and working up toward his head. You can even use a gentle massage as you talk him through the relaxation exercise, either gently massaging the part you're talking about, or just giving a head or back massage throughout the process. You can say something like this:
Ewan, fourteen months old, and Ken
Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. It's time for your body to go to sleep. Wiggle your toes. They are really tired. Your toes are relaxed and sleepy. Your feet are tired now. They are warm and sleepy and comfortable. Your legs are tired. And so are your feet and your toes. They are tired and calm and warm and sleepy.
Continue this pattern up through his hips, back, chest, shoulders, arms, neck, face, and head, taking time with each body part.
There are many different ways to use progressive muscle relaxation. Some people envision a warm blanket covering each body part or the sun warming each section, or they imagine they are a sleepy cat or a rag doll. You can make up your own version or check out a book on the topic.
This can be a very helpful technique with young children, since they can be susceptible to your gentle suggestions of relaxation and sleepiness.
Just like adults, some children find that when they lie quietly in bed, their mind begins to race with a review of the day's activities or worries and thoughts about tomorrow or the future. Several techniques can be used to help a young child calm his mind so he can fall asleep more easily. You can try one of these with your little thinker:
• White paper. Have your child imagine a blank, white sheet of paper. She can then imagine a paintbrush with light-blue paint, and she can imagine painting dots or lines of light blue on the paper. Talk your child through the imagery for the first week or two when she is in bed. Then see if your child can imagine it all by herself.
• Quiet ears. Complete your child's bedtime routine, and have him relax and lie comfortably in bed. Have him put his hands over his ears and listen to the sound. When you try this, you'll see it makes a lovely, quiet white-noise sound. Depending on your child, you can just have him listen, or have him pretend he is hearing the sounds of the ocean or the wind. You can go one step further, if you like, and have him imagine that he is on the beach or standing in the grass and hearing the wind. He can do this for five to ten minutes until he feels sleepy.
• Peaceful imagery. Have your child lie on her bed with her eyes closed. Explain that you are going to tell her a story. In a gentle, soothing voice describe a peaceful place that your child would find familiar, such as a beach, swinging in a hammock, or lying on a blanket in the grass. You may want to enlist your imagination and be a butterfly floating in the wind. Describe the details of the surroundings quietly and slowly. Use this same place and this same story every night. Eventually, your child can use the story even when you aren't there to tell it.
If you use yoga in your own life to unwind and relax, then you may want to use some of the simple stretches to help your child, as well. Yoga movements, breathing meditations, and relaxation exercises can all be used to take children through a wind-down bedtime routine that helps them to stretch and relax every part of their body. You can even incorporate soft music, dim lighting, or aromatherapy into the routine to enhance the relaxing properties of the exercise. A number of books and programs teach yoga movements especially for children.
When in bed, either at night or early in the morning, many children are easily distracted by sounds from other family members, the television, dogs barking, or cars driving by outside. They hear something—anything—and they feel like they are missing out on the fun, or they're simply distracted from the process of relaxing, so they can't fall asleep. You can mask these sounds and create a sleep-inducing environment by using soft music or white noise (a subtle monotonous hum of sound).
Many children enjoy listening to soothing music as they fall asleep. Choose bedtime music carefully, though. Some music (including jazz and much classical music) can be too complex and stimulating. Also watch for how songs progress, since abrupt changes in rhythm or volume from one song to the next can disrupt the relaxing effect. For music to be sleep inducing, stick to simple, repetitive, predictable music, like traditional lullabies. Recordings created especially for putting babies to sleep are great choices. (Disney has a lovely collection of lullaby CDs worth investigating.) Pick something that you will enjoy listening to night after night, too. (Using a player with an automatic repeat function is helpful for keeping the music going as long as you need it to play.)
Widely available and very lovely "nature sounds" recordings work nicely, too, as well as those small sound-generating or white-noise devices and clocks you may have seen in stores. The sounds of these—raindrops, a bubbling brook, birdsong, or running water —are soothing to adults as well as children. A ticking clock or a bubbling fish tank can also make wonderful white-noise options.
You can find some suitable tapes and CDs made especially for babies or children or those made for adults to listen to when they want to relax. Whatever you choose, listen to it first and ask yourself: Does this relax me? Would it make me feel sleepy if I listened to it in bed?
As always, though, children are unique, and sometimes you'll discover your child's own version of any idea works best.
Mother-Speak |
"We tried white noise, lullabies, classical music, and whale song, but Samuel didn't take to any of them. My husband thought he needed something more substantial, so he put on the Bee Gees—their greatest hits, to be precise. Samuel loves it and goes to sleep to it every time." |
—Frances, mother of three-year-old Samuel |
If you must put your child to bed in a noisy, active house full of people, keeping the music playing (automatic replay) will help mask noises. This can also help transition your sleepy child from a noisy daytime house, to which he subconsciously has become accustomed, to one of absolute nighttime quiet. If you are dealing with a child who wakes up during naptime or the nighttime, you can leave the music or sounds turned on for an entire nap and even all night (think of how peaceful it is when a fan, air conditioner, or heater is running all night).
Once your child is familiar with her calming sounds or music, you can use these to help her fall back to sleep when she wakes up in the middle of the night. Simply show her how to press the play button to turn on her music if she wakes in the night.
If your little one gets used to his sleep-time sounds, you can take advantage of this and take the tape with you when you are away from home at naptime or bedtime. The familiarity of these sounds will help your child sleep in an unfamiliar environment.
Eventually your child will rely on this technique less and less to fall and stay asleep. Don't feel you must rush the process; there is no harm in your child falling asleep to these gentle sounds. When you are ready to wean him off these, you can help this process along by reducing the volume by a small amount every night until you finally don't turn the music or sounds on at all.
Many families follow a tradition of saying nighttime prayers before bed. These can be very comforting to a child, and if done as a part of the bedtime routine, they can become a cue for sleep and set your child up for a secure and peaceful night's sleep.
A child's bedtime prayer can be a conversation with God; it can involve giving thanks for the day, asking for guidance, or reciting a prayer. A prayer time that you share with your child can be a very special way to end each day and can help your little one develop his faith.
If you choose to teach your child a nighttime prayer, try to avoid one that refers to death or fear, as many traditional children's prayers do. Look for one that creates feelings of security.
Garrison, nineteen months old, and Gabrielle, four years old
Don't be in any rush for your child to memorize a prayer; doing so may create tension and a negative association, and prevent sleep, as well. If you say a prayer to your child every night and over time begin to say it together, eventually your child will learn the prayer on his own. Take your time choosing a prayer that is uplifting and comforting, as it may become a lifelong prebedtime ritual. Here's a wonderful example:
A Child's Bedtime Prayer
Thank you, Lord, for the day I had.
Thank you for my mom and dad.
Help them take
good care of me.
God bless my friends
and family.
Help me sleep well,
all night long.
Guard me with
Your angels strong.
When I wake up
on a brand new day,
Help me love,
and learn, and play.
Amen
(Author unknown)
Aromatherapy is the art of using natural essences and oils of plants to promote peace and well-being. Young children are very receptive to smell, and children can come to associate specific smells with security and sleep. Certain scents—lavender and chamomile —are known to produce a relaxing response and are perfect for use at bedtime. These are available as fragrances, oils, and mists or as fillings in sleep pillows or teddy bears. It's best to use products specially created for children and avoid using aromatherapy for infants.
If your child finds it hard to relax at bedtime, take a look at how he uses his bed. If he plays in it, jumps on it, builds forts around it, and entertains friends there, it won't carry an association with sleep. Consider making a change to using the bed for sleep and only sleep. Save getting into bed for the last step in the bedtime routine. It's fine to include relaxing presleep rituals once in bed, such as reading, listening to soft music, massage, breastfeeding, or drinking a bottle.
Dr. Meir Kryger, chief editor of The Principles and Practices of Sleep Medicine, warns that toddlers and preschoolers who rely on relaxation techniques to fall asleep might have hidden sleep disorders. Therefore, if you have a good sleep plan, and a consistent nap and bedtime schedule, but your child still finds it difficult to fall asleep, you should review the chapter When a Sleep Plan Doesn't Work: Analyzing Problems and Identifying Sleep Disorders.