Every single night, for the past three years, I've had to stay with my daughter until she falls asleep. If I try to leave when she's awake, she cries and carries on. I actually left her once—she cried and screamed, "Mommy, stay!" It took two hours for her to settle down on her own before she fell asleep on the floor in front of the door! I felt so cruel! I don't want to repeat that horrible night, but I'd really like her to fall asleep on her own. Help!
Before getting into the ideas and solutions part of my answer, I'd like to set the record straight on that television scene we know so well: parent tucks blanket around child, kisses child's forehead and says good night, shuts off the light, and leaves the room. Child smiles, closes eyes, and goes to sleep. You know, that scene? Pure fantasy. Unrealistic, inconceivable, la-la land. It just ain't gonna happen in real life.
According to the National Sleep Foundation's 2004 Sleep in America poll, more than two-thirds (69 percent) of all children experience one or more sleep problems. Two of the most common issues cited include having difficulty falling asleep and resisting going to bed. Among parents of toddlers and preschoolers, almost half report having to be present in the room while their child falls asleep. (Incidentally, for those of you with a baby in the house, 68 percent of you are staying with your baby until he is asleep.) Interestingly, by school age, more than a quarter of parents are still staying in the room at least once a week until their child is asleep.
In the same poll, parents and caregivers were asked if the children put themselves to bed. In the toddler age group less than1 percent did, and among preschoolers 1 percent managed this amazing feat. Only 12 percent of school-aged children put themselves to bed.
Mother-Speak |
"Even now, at nine years old, she needs one of us to walk with her to bed, tuck her in, and spend a few minutes closing the day, rubbing her back, and saying good night. She simply cannot fall asleep without this ritual. It used to bother us, but as she is growing up, we find that this special time keeps us connected to her every day, no matter how busy the day was." |
—Pia, mother of nine-year-old Gracie |
So what does this all mean? First, if you stay in the room until your child is asleep, you are not alone. As a matter of fact, you are clearly in the majority. Second, and more important, this indicates that the "problem" isn't really a problem at all, but normal childhood behavior.
There are a number of reasons why your child wants you beside him until he falls asleep:
• He loves you. You represent security, safety, and love. Falling asleep brings the vast unknown. If a big, strong parent is in the room, then all is well and a child can relax enough to sleep.
• She's scared. The dark brings frightening shadows. The quiet invites mysterious noises. The stillness brings scary thoughts. A parent in the bed, or beside the bed, is the ultimate protection from all things scary.
• He's worried. When the activity of the day grinds to a halt, your child's unoccupied mind begins to sort through the day's events. Worries enter your child's thoughts—things that have happened, "Oh, no! Where did I put my red truck?" and worries about upcoming events, "Did Daddy say we have to go to the doctor's tomorrow?" Preschoolers worry about bigger things—"Will my dog run away?" "Will our house burn down?" "Will Mommy or Daddy die?" These worries loom large when a child is alone in the quiet and dark. Having a parent nearby is the ultimate protection against scary thoughts.
• He's not sleepy. If you put your child to bed when he's not tired—or overtired—he won't willingly stay put. He's wide awake and would rather be doing anything else than lying in bed, so your company is the only thing that keeps him there.
• She nurses to sleep. The 2004 Sleep in America poll uncovered some very enlightening information about toddlers and sleep. When breastfeeding mothers were asked if their toddler fell asleep nursing, the answer was as follows:
67 percent | Every night/Almost every night |
11 percent | A few nights a week |
11 percent | About once a week |
This means that almost 90 percent of breastfeeding toddlers fall asleep nursing at least once a week and almost 70 percent do this every night or almost every night! Let me repeat that tidbit of amazing information for you: almost 90 percent of breastfeeding toddlers fall asleep nursing.
The sucking-to-sleep association is the most difficult and complex sleep association to change, and so this (obviously!) becomes a key component to your child needing you with her as she falls asleep. (For specific solutions turn to The Nighttime Nursling on page 165.)
• She wants Mommy—and nobody but Mommy will do! No matter how wonderful and loving Daddy, your partner, the baby-sitter, or Grandma is, nature and biology take a role in causing your little one to prefer Mommy above everyone and everything else in the world—especially when it comes to bedtime! Although parents may instinctually understand this preference, it can be a challenge when Mommy is also dealing with the child's siblings or when she's just all mommied out from a long day of child-tending. When it comes to bedtime, many mothers have conflicting emotions: they want to be a loving, comforting mother, but they also just want a moment (just one!) to themselves. This conflict can be conveyed to your child through both your conscious and unconscious acts and words. So if your loving partner offers to take over the bedtime routine, but your child inevitably rebels with tears or tantrums, it may hurt everyone's feelings, further complicate the stressful evening, and drag out an already too-long bedtime process.
• It's a routine. I've talked a lot about bedtime routines and how critical they are to a peaceful process, and believe it or not, you are demonstrating just how powerful these rituals are. You have a bedtime routine now that involves staying with your child until she is asleep. Remember that it takes about a month for a new routine to be formed. Whether you've been staying with your child until sleep from the day she was born, after her sibling was born three months ago, or after your move six weeks ago, you've likely been reinforcing this routine—night after night—for a long, long time. It will take patience and a plan to create a new routine.
When I interviewed parents to find out what exactly bothers them about having to stay with their children until they fell asleep, the following were the five most common answers (and many included a combination of all five):
1. "It takes a long time for her to fall asleep, and I have things I need to do, so I get very antsy about lying there."
2. "Sometimes I even fall asleep before he does, so I'm in bed much earlier than I plan to be."
3. "She gets used to my staying beside her, so if she wakes up during the night she wants me back."
4. "I have a baby and a husband that need me too, so I feel pulled in all directions."
5. "At the end of the day, I just don't have the energy to deal with bedtime. I want to just tuck him in and get on with it."
Before proceeding with the solutions, take some time to figure out what it is that bothers you about having to stay with your child until the sandman arrives. Understanding your own feelings will help you choose the correct plan of action to take as you begin to make changes to your current bedtime practices.
You may have never looked at it this way, but there are two paths you can follow. Either choice can work beautifully. But you need to make a decision and follow it up with a plan:
1. Continue to stay with your child until he or she falls asleep, but do so in a way that encourages your child to fall asleep quickly.
2. Take steps to help your child learn how to fall asleep on his own.
Very often parents feel "stuck." They don't want to stay, but they do it to prevent tears or a tantrum. So some nights it works fine— their child falls asleep peacefully and quickly. Other nights parents have pressing issues to get to so they try to rush the process, or their child is too wired to sleep, but either way, their child reacts by staying wide awake for far too long. The lying-with or staying-with ritual drags on for an hour or more, often with the parent becoming angry and the child resorting to tears. In the end, parents get stuck with both: they get to stay and they get the tantrum too.
This aspect can be further complicated when parents disagree about how to handle bedtime, each pulling in opposite directions, with a tired child in the middle. Parents tend to avoid talking about the situation during the day, but the stress and anger about the routine rears its ugly head every night at bedtime. This situation can also become confusing when a child lives in two households and each home has a completely different bedtime ritual, with no communication about bedtime rituals. If you waver between the two choices, or if different caregivers use different approaches, your child will never know what to expect, so bedtime will remain tense and perhaps even a struggle of wills. Two different plans can work, but only if both are intentional plans, not haphazard whatever-happens confusion.
There is no "correct" answer here—either approach works for many families. So decide which path you are going to follow, stay or don't stay, and have everyone involved be consistent with whatever choice you make. When you maintain a pattern, and apply other sleep-inducing ideas from this book, you will end up with a more peaceful bedtime hour.
Like the majority of parents, you may decide that when your child falls asleep quickly, it's not an inconvenience to stay in the room with him. Also, if you knew he'd always fall asleep promptly, you wouldn't mind the stay. If this is what you decide to do, let your child know and he'll relax into the new bedtime routine! Tell him in a very pleasant tone of voice, as if offering a gift, "From now on I will stay with you until you fall asleep. Then I will go to my own bed. We both sleep all night, and then we can cuddle in the morning."
Many, many toddlers and preschoolers are able to go to sleep with a parent's company and then sleep all night without further help. Some, though, continue to depend on a parent's company anytime they wake up throughout the night. Remember that all human beings have night wakings—it's how your child falls back to sleep that can create problems for you. As you work through the various solutions in all the appropriate chapters of this book, you'll learn what category your child falls into, and this will help you as you organize your own approach to your child's sleep situation. Also, the sleep routines you choose can change and modify over time. Just because you choose one path doesn't mean you can't change approaches later. Do give each plan enough time to work through the kinks before you make modifications. Unless you have a deadline for change, allow a month or so to judge an idea's true effectiveness.
The key to staying, and making it a pleasant routine for everyone involved, is to set up a plan that works. The plan should involve a specific bedtime routine that ends in quiet, peaceful darkness. The finale to your bedtime routine should be your quiet presence as your child nods off. If you continue to talk and interact with your child, you may be actually keeping him awake! So do all your usual things—reading, storytelling, nursing, back-rubbing—and then turn off the lights and be quiet. The only noise you should make is a quiet "Shhh, Shhh" in response to any movement or noise from your little one.
The exception to this is a child who falls asleep easily to a parent's quiet singing, humming, or storytelling under one condition, and this is an important condition: do this only if you enjoy it too. Don't get into a habit of doing something to please your child if you hate it! You'll just begin to resent the process, and your emotions will prevent bedtime from being the peaceful, loving time it should be.
When bedtime arrives, you want your child to be perfectly tired. If he isn't tired or if he is overtired, he'll struggle against your desire for him to go to sleep. Revisit the sleep hours table on page 12, and determine if your little one is getting the right amount of nighttime and naptime sleep. Take a look at your child's daily nap schedule, and make sure that naps aren't too long or too late in the day.
Look at your child's daily flow of activity and bursts of energy. You should be encouraging lots of energetic play between morning and dinnertime, and planning quiet time from dinnertime until bedtime. You'll want him to get plenty of fresh air and exer-
Sheila and Megan, two years old
cise during the day, and provide him enough time to wind down before sleep time.
Have an early enough bedtime so that your child doesn't become overtired. Make sure the time is consistent (try to stick with the set bedtime seven days a week) so that your child's biological clock is ticking in tune to his scheduled bedtime.
In the Sleep in America poll, it is reported that more than half the preschoolers and almost half the toddlers take fifteen minutes or longer to fall asleep once the lights are turned out. Add this to the time it takes to prepare for bed (taking a bath, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, reading books, etc.), and you'll need at least an hour dedicated to putting your child to bed. If you rush through this process, your child won't fall asleep easily or more quickly; the steps to going to bed are very important to a peaceful falling-asleep process. Of course, there are exceptions. On any given night, if your little one is truly tired, then a very short routine is in order! Don't keep a tired child awake just to make it through your traditional getting ready for bed routine. You may find it helpful to stick with your usual sequence of events, but shorten each step as much as possible—for example, pick one brief book rather than the usual three.
It helps to remember that it will likely take your child ten to twenty minutes to fall asleep once the lights are turned out. These twenty minutes seem like sixty when you're anxious to get up and get on to other things you need or want to do. Ironically, if you are quiet and peaceful yourself, your child will fall asleep much more quickly. So when you begin your new routine, glance at the clock when you turn the light off and then again when your child is asleep, noting how long it takes. Check again in a week, and compare the two. You may discover that it takes your little one far less time to nod off than you thought, particularly when he realizes that you will stay every night until he's asleep.
As you wait for your child to fall asleep, what do you do with the time? Do you tap your toe impatiently while waiting, telling yourself that you're wasting valuable time or that you wish you didn't have to stay? This is a common response and is part of the reason why parents so dread this little nighttime ritual. Once your sleep plan is ticking perfectly, it's likely that your child will take much less than fifteen minutes to fall asleep every night. So choose wisely how you spend those minutes. While you are waiting for your child to fall asleep, perhaps you'll want to do one of these things:
• Think about some of the highlights of your day; enjoy your memories.
• Plan tomorrow's calendar.
• Watch your child and enjoy the beauty. They grow up so fast, you know.
• Daydream about an upcoming event or something fun.
• Put on headphones and listen to music or an audiobook.
• Meditate or pray.
You may decide that you really do want your child to fall asleep independently and you don't want to stay in the room as he falls asleep. You can achieve this goal, but as with most sleep situations, no single right method works for every family, nor is there a quick-fix, easy solution. Merely leaving the room and letting your child cry to sleep isn't easy, and for the vast majority of families, it is not quick, either. In addition, new research is showing that such crying-it-out approaches may be only a temporary solution, because in many cases, sleep problems resurface and new ones appear.
What follows is a list of gentle, practical solutions and ideas for you to consider as you put together your own plan to encourage your child to begin falling asleep without your continued presence. Choose a few and add them to your current plan for better sleep based on Part I of this book.
Annette and Julia, twenty-two months old
If you have decided that you really would like to have your child fall asleep on his own, you can do so gradually. Begin by following your usual pattern. Once the light is off and your child is sleepy, however, use an excuse to get up for just a minute or two: "I have to go potty, I'll be right back." "I need to get some socks, be right back." "I have to check the time—be right back."
Return to your child in a few minutes—before he has a chance to get out of bed or to get upset. After five minutes or so, repeat the exercise. Because you continue to come back to him, he should relax and not keep himself awake waiting for you to return—since you always do.
If your child won't stay in bed should you leave the room, then don't. Get up to close a window, put socks in the hamper, adjust the blinds, do some yoga stretches or a few crunches, or do something that gets you up and away from your child, but still in the room, for a few minutes. After he gets used to this step, move on to leaving the room for short errands.
Gauge your child's reaction after you have done this for a few nights or a week, and if things are looking good, leave his side for longer periods. Eventually, change your phrase to, "I'll be back." (leaving off the "soon"). Before long this will mean, "I'll be back … in the morning."
If you are currently lying with or near your child in her bed until she is sound asleep, you can use a step-by-step approach to literally move yourself out the door. This idea involves expanding the space between you and your child as she falls asleep, and doing it over a period of time. You'll need to customize this, depending on your current routine, your goal, and your sleep arrangement.
What's important during this phasing process is that you also use many of the other sleep ideas you've picked up through this book, particularly the eight tips in Part II, which begin on page 41. Tips such as using music or white noise and making the room dark and cozy will increase your success. By creating a comfortable routine and a relaxing sleep environment, you will help your child adapt more easily to change. This phasing process can be used when your child first goes to sleep at night, as well as for any subsequent night wakings as well. (You can read more about using this technique for night wakings on page 160.)
As you move from phase to phase, don't make a big production out of the modification. Simply ease into it without much fanfare.
Here is a sample plan—again, this is a sample and is not intended to be followed religiously. You'll need to create your own plan based on your family situation.
Sample Plan for a Toddler Who Sleeps in Her Own Bed
• Currently. You lie beside your child until she is totally asleep. She's usually curled up tightly beside you, perhaps with an arm or leg draped over your body.
• Phase One. Move yourself an arm's length away from your little one so that you're in bed but not touching, except to place a hand on her to reassure her if she needs it. If you don't already use it, it's a good time to introduce a lovey (a special stuffed animal or blanket), white noise, soft music, or an audiobook as a sleep-time cue. This will help create a consistent thread for falling asleep as you move from phase to phase.
• Phase Two. Sit in a chair moved tight beside the bed. Place your hand on your child if necessary, or put your feet up on the bed near her. Allowing your child to listen to music, white noise, or an audiobook can help her stay peaceful and welcome sleep. You may want to use your own headset to listen to music or a book on tape, meditate, pray, or catch up on your knitting to keep yourself relaxed. If she resists this change, begin by doing it for brief periods, "I'll just sit here for a minute, then I'll lie with you." This will help her get used to your being farther away.
If your child has a lovey, put it in her bed with her. Some older toddlers or preschoolers respond well if the bed is filled with stuffed animals. This is also a good excuse for you to sit in the chair, "Gee, there's no room for me, I'll just sit right here." Invite her to say good night to each one and tuck them in, since this makes them more like friends to sleep with. They will become even more helpful as you move on to the next phases.
• Phase Three. Move your chair a few inches from the bed. Remember to keep the rest of your bedtime routine the same, and keep all the other sleep cues consistent, such as white noise and stuffed animals.
• Phase Four. Move your chair to the other side of the room. (You may want to provide a simple reason for moving your chair, such as, "I'm going to sit here by the night-light and read tonight. Can you and your stuffed animals be quiet for Mommy so I can read?")
• Phase Five. Move the chair so that it's just outside her door, but she can still see you. ("I need more light to read, so I'll just put my chair here tonight.") When you do this, make little noises, like gentle coughs, humming, or rustling page turns. This helps your child know that you are still nearby.
• Phase Six. Move the chair so that it's outside her door and she can't see you, but close enough so you can talk to her if she needs to know that you're there. For the first few nights you can make your quiet noises so she knows you aren't too far away. If all goes well, sit quietly for a few nights. If your child falls asleep without calling out to you, then you're free to go about your business after putting your child to bed from then on. (Hurray!) Keep an ear open or a baby monitor tuned in, though. If she has a nightmare or wakes calling for you and you don't appear, this could set you back, and you won't want that to happen!
You can spend a few days, a week, or even a month on each phase; there's no set rule. This will vary depending on your child's age and personality, and on your own patience and goals. It also may take longer to complete some phases than others. But keep in mind that parenting isn't a race, and sometimes the harder you push, the longer the process will take. Be patient.
Once you decide on how you are going to handle bedtime, communicate the news to your child. Of course, every parent knows that telling a toddler or preschooler something one time can be about as effective as not telling him at all! The key is to find a way
Ty, two months old, and Chad, two years old
to explain to your child what exactly you'll be doing and to remind him nightly of the plan.
You can explain the parts of your bedtime routine each night to your child, one or two steps at a time. Begin before the first step, and let your little one know what's happening at each point, giving forewarning before each major item. The preparation in advance is important because it allows your child to anticipate what's next and to prepare for it mentally. I call this the power of 5-3-1. Here's what your announcements might sound like:
"We're going to have a bath in five minutes."
"Sweetie, bath time in three minutes."
"One minute 'til bath time!"
At this point you escort (or carry!) your child into the bathroom while announcing, "Bath time!"
When it's time to get out of the tub, follow the same pattern:
"We're going to get out and put pajamas on in five minutes."
"Sweetie, time to get out and put on pajamas in three minutes."
"One minute 'til pajama time!"
At this point you gather your child out of the tub while announcing, "Pajama time!"
As you are putting on pajamas, tell your child what comes next, "After pajamas we'll brush teeth, then read books, then go to sleep."
You can use the 5-3-1 counting technique when it comes time for you to turn off the light and again when you leave the room. If you use this tool several times throughout the day, too, you'll find that your little one will be cooperating with all kinds of tasks!
The verbal reminders keep you and your child on track, but adding a bedtime chart, as described in detail on page 114, can be the most effective way to teach your child the steps involved in your bedtime routine. You'll illustrate all the steps, including the evening snack, brushing teeth, nursing, back rubs, reading, and whatever else is involved in your nightly getting-ready-for-bed routine. Include the specifics about when you will leave the bedroom. You may even want to include a picture of what you will be doing after you leave—sitting at your desk, cleaning up the house, or going to your own bed. If your child knows what you will be doing and understands that you'll be close by if he needs you, he may be more willing to let you leave without a fuss.
If you have two or more children over eighteen months old, and if they welcome the idea, you can switch your toddler's bedtime alliance from you to his sibling. Many cultures routinely use this technique as a natural way of helping children learn to sleep without an adult nearby, and many families discover the ease and beauty of this arrangement quite naturally.
An effective routine involves tucking both children into bed with stories and cuddles and then leaving them to snuggle and whisper until they drift off to sleep. A word of caution! If this is new to your children, they may find playtime more fun than sleep time. To prevent adding an hour or more of listening to yourself say, "Shhh! Go to sleep now!" you may want to stay with them a little longer. Read to them, play soft music, or tell them a story in the dark so that when you leave the room, they are relaxed and sleepy and will actually sleep.