Creating a specific bedtime routine usually isn't suggested or even necessary for newborns. When they are hungry, we feed them; when they are tired, we put them to bed. Not much preparation or structure to that process is necessary. The problem is that some parents are led to believe that routines are always a bad thing and that if parents would just let their children fall asleep when they are tired and wake up when they are ready, then there wouldn't be any bedtime or sleep problems at all. While free-form sleep and going-with-the-flow sound like good ideas, a number of problems can arise when there is a total lack of bedtime routine.
The first problem is that if your toddler or preschooler is sleeping and waking on his own erratic schedule, it can be difficult for you to organize your days. Busy parents often have other children to tend, car pools to drive, errands to run, and work to complete. Never knowing when you'll be getting your child ready for bed, how long the process will take, what time your child will sleep, or how long she will sleep, can make it difficult for you to feel in control of your day. Furthermore, if your little one is suddenly ready to sleep when you have other plans on your agenda, you'll be forever juggling your schedule as you go through your days. In addition, once your child starts school, the whole family will go through a major adjustment from free-form to a necessary routine. This will just add to the already major adjustments involved in beginning school, contributing stress to what should be a very exciting time in your child's life.
It may seem that if you follow your child's lead, he will naturally fall into a predictable schedule and pattern of activities. Although anything is possible, this result is unlikely simply because of an interesting twist to the internal human biological clock: remember, it doesn't run on a twenty-four-hour day. Numerous studies have been done where people volunteer to live in cavelike homes where they are isolated from the external world and given no cues to the time of day or night. These subjects are allowed to sleep and wake whenever they feel the need. The studies show that most people function on an almost twenty-five-hour day, and some settle on cycles that range anywhere from sixteen-hour days to thirty-hour days. These schedules also tend to gradually drift, so the test subjects become totally out of sync with the real world.
What these studies show is that allowing a child to sleep and wake on his own whim would most likely result in a chaotic non-schedule. Instead of becoming a relaxing flow, your days would rather resemble those times when you had a newborn in the house.
I've already discussed the biological advantage of using the same sleep time and wake-up time seven days a week. By adding a specific bedtime routine—a series of rituals performed at the same time each night before bed—you'll not only help your child's biological rhythm but also enjoy a predictable pattern to your days
Mother-Speak |
"We recently had another baby, and it totally disrupted Samantha's sleep. I realized that we had abandoned her regular routine. Once we returned to her usual before-bed pattern of activities, her sleep problems disappeared." |
—Wendy, mother of two-year-old Samantha |
and nights. You'll be able to schedule activities easier, knowing in advance when your prebedtime activities will begin. Your child will begin to expect and flow with the bedtime routine, instead of fight against it.
Consistency and routine create feelings of security and reliability in your little one's life. It's a very big world, and children learn so much every day that the enormity of it all can easily overwhelm them. When certain important key points always remain the same, they create anchors of security. Young children look for these anchors and thrive on their consistency. Children enjoy routines; they easily adapt to them and even look for them. I remember one Sunday morning when my husband woke early to discover our boys, David and Coleton, already awake. Since they were the only ones awake in the house, Daddy decided to take the boys out to breakfast. The following Sunday morning, our girls were away at sleepovers and I was busy writing, so Daddy decided again to take the boys out for breakfast. The third week, Robert and I were awakened by the boys standing at the side of our bed. "Daddy! Wake up!" they were whispering. "It's Sunday and we always go out to breakfast on Sunday!"
Sinéad, six years old, and David
In my sons' analysis of their world (time being a slow-motion version of how we adults view life), two weeks in a row equaled "always." If you think about this, it may bring to mind similar situations that have occurred with your child—a certain book that must be read, a specific path your stroll must follow, a certain order a game must take, and a particular phrase that must be said before you leave out the door.
Parents can take advantage of this natural desire that children have for routine by actually creating a very specific before-bedtime routine that naturally and easily ends with sleep. Since most children share the same reasoning as my two sons about always, it takes thirty days or less for them to adopt a bedtime routine as the normal and usual way to end the day.
Beyond the biology, convenience, and stability of a regular bedtime routine, there are lots of other reasons why you'll find this to be a helpful key to overcoming your bedtime woes.
• A consistent, peaceful bedtime routine allows your energetic child to transition from the constant motion of the day to the tranquil state required for falling asleep.
• An organized bedtime routine helps you coordinate the specifics that must occur before bed: taking a bath, putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, and so on.
• A specific bedtime routine helps you to function on autopilot at the time of day when you are most tired and least creative.
• Following a standard routine every night often replaces a disjointed and unhappy bedtime battle scene with a satisfying and peaceful process.
• An established routine helps you get your child into bed at the same time every night so he can get plenty of sleep and feel well-rested and happy.
Now that you know the reasons why a bedtime routine is good for both you and your child, you can take the steps to create and follow a plan that works best for you. Here are some tips:
• First, use Table 1.2 on page 12 to figure out how much night sleep your child should be getting. Based on this, and the details of your daily schedule, set a bedtime.
• Start your child's bedtime routine early: allow at least an hour from start to finish. Rushing through the process will create tension, and your child may not be sleepy by the end of the process. In most homes this isn't an extra hour you need to find; it simply replaces an hour (or more) of dealing with a child who is arguing, dawdling, crying, and fussing about going to bed.
• The entire hour of your child's bedtime routine should be relatively quiet, dimly lit, and peaceful. This creates the transition from daytime activity to sleep time.
• Reading books, listening to audiobooks, or storytelling are all wonderful ways to end the bedtime routine. In addition to being very natural sleep-inducers, they are critically important keys to your child's emerging intelligence, making this a peaceful, enjoyable, and productive use of your time.
• View your routine as a special time to be treasured with your child. The bedtime routine should be as much about enjoying the loving connection between you and your child as it is about donning pajamas and brushing teeth.
For more ideas on how to create and maintain your child's bedtime routine, go to Bedtime Battles on page 105.