Remember: This time you will “turn this SUV around RIGHT NOW!”
First, let’s figure out how this happened. What series of bad decisions led to this terrible morning, where you are packing the minivan with juice boxes, sliced apples, cheese sandwiches, edible Goldfish, small coolers, chapter books, crayons, and portable DVD players? How could it be that, hours from now, a smart cookie such as yourself will be changing your baby’s diaper in a truck-stop bathroom usually reserved for $20 hand jobs?
Did you fail to consult Google Maps before you agreed to go to the in-laws for the holidays? Or Disney World as a family? If you live in Ohio, did you forget that, in order to get to Florida, you have to drive through Kentucky, Tennessee, and Georgia?
That is some brain fart, sister. Here’s a few things to try:
* Cancel. And not just this Thanksgiving, but every Thanksgiving, until your youngest is at least six.
* Skype. Hire the Geek Squad to set up Skype on your mother-in-law’s computer. It will cost less than what you’ll spend on gas.
* Check airfares. It’s possible to get reasonable last-minute airfares (if you’re not traveling on a holiday). While flying with kids is its own kind of hell, it is at least a shorter one.
* Save time, pee on the side of the road. If you have more than one kid, you can’t pull into a gas station every time a juice box is digested. Pit stops can add as much as an hour to a trip, when you factor in the tantrums that come from saying no to mini-mart candy.
Find a nice ditch, off the side of a wide shoulder, and teach your little one to squat or pull it out. Being able to pee outdoors is an essential skill that every American ought to have. It’s how many of us will urinate in the future, as our nation slides further into debt. Soon bathrooms will become like universities, with the public ones defunded and the private ones hugely expensive.
* Give up and turn around. This is a golden opportunity to let the kids know that Mom doesn’t take shit. Because let’s face it, somewhere along the way, you’ve lost their respect.
You’ve threatened to leave a movie theater when they’ve acted like brats, but then stayed because it was less a hassle. Over the years, you’ve become exhausted and predictable. They know how to play you. Your bite is toothless.
Well, today the joke’s on them, because you didn’t want to go to Disney/Thanks/Christ/Hannu/Flags/Land anyway. This time when you yell, “I swear to God, if you hit your sister one more time, I’m turning this car around,” you will actually turn that car around. They will be shocked at your coldheartedness. They will scream and cry, but you will not cave, because this time it’s easy to follow through.
And then, they will fear you.
* Make them suck it up. Our kids are unskilled in the dark arts of entertaining themselves during a road trip. They sit comfortably in special seats, with their sippy cups lodged in convenient cup holders. DVD players unfold from the minivan’s ceiling, and they are entertained like child emperors in the last days of Rome. If you can handle the whining, turn the radio to your favorite station and teach them how to be alone with their thoughts by providing no distractions at all.
Remember: This time you will “turn this SUV around RIGHT NOW!”