Remember: “If my kids are still alive at the end of the day, I’ve done my job.” —Roseanne
Whether you’re working from home because your kid is sick, you freelance, or you’re still looking for a job, there’s one thing you must do during a conference call: Get your kid to shut up.
Children hate anyone who takes your attention away from them. Like animals that can sense an impending earthquake, children can tell when you’re about to say something very important to a client. They have a superpower, and they use it for evil. You must prepare.
BEFORE THE CALL.
Lock the front and back doors. Make sure your child can’t get out of the house. It’s possible that, if she has a tantrum, you will be forced to hide in your bedroom closet. You need to know that your daughter won’t run into the street while you pitch ideas from under the winter blankets.
Prepare diversions. Set everything up before your child sees you holding the phone.
Food bribery. Now is not the time to avoid corn syrup. Better that your child gets cavities or diabetes than you lose your job. Ice cream, candy bars, chocolate, chips, gum balls, chips, leftover pizza: Any food that seems like a bad idea is a great idea. Ice cream should be pre-scooped into bowls, candy bars unwrapped, pizza reheated, all of it ready to be passed out, mid-whine.
Fill two to three sippy cups. Instead of pouring during the call, grab the next cup on the assembly line. This child will not win.
Eventually, you will train her to love your conference calls.
Put on a DVD. And have four alternates standing by. Even if your child loves her Thomas the Tank Engine DVD, she will demand you put in Winnie the Pooh, just to test your loyalty. (Because having her wasn’t enough.)
DURING THE CALL.
Hide. Stay out of her line of sight—let her sink into the food and TV. You have between ten and thirty minutes before she starts looking for you.
Mute the phone. After she finds you, put the phone on mute. She is about to launch her “Mom, I have to go potty!” grenade. It’s better that your coworkers don’t hear you than they do hear your child.
Give yourself permission to go nuclear. No one is going to call CPS if you end up barricading your kid in her bedroom. In fact, the other people on the call will wish that you’d done it sooner.
Remember: “If my kids are still alive at the end of the day, I’ve done my job.” —Roseanne