Remember: If you are the kind of person who thought to bring a backup pacifier, this book is not for you. Sorry.
Ugh. This is one of those mothery tasks that is done for appearance’s sake only. Public streets are not covered in anthrax and cocaine. Your baby will be fine if the pacifier goes right back into her mouth. In fact, she may grow stronger after ingesting the street’s unique nutrients. And while it is never advised to deliberately lick the sidewalk, no one has ever died from it.
But who has time to explain common sense to strangers? The next time you drop the binky, follow this two-step process.
Look around. Did anyone see the pacifier fall?
1. If no: Wipe the pacifier on your shirt. Stick it back in baby’s mouth.
2. If yes: Damn. You have a witness, who may just be filming it on her iPhone so that she can put it up on YouTube, tagged with the search term “terrible mother.” Well, the joke’s on her, because no one’s going to get you on film being a bad mother. All you have to do is add a second step to number one. After you wipe the pacifier on your shirt, stick it in your mouth. Take the hit, like a good soldier. Then stick it back in baby’s mouth. YouTube disaster averted.
Remember: If you are the kind of person who thought to bring a backup pacifier, this book is not for you. Sorry.