Remember: The Velveteen Rabbit only became Real after he was used up by a Boy. You aren’t stealing, you are making things more Real.
The three biggest wastes of a new mom’s money are new clothes, new baby furniture, and every single toy.
CLOTHES.
Admit it, the outfits are for you, not the baby. No judgment—dressing a baby in coordinated clothes is inexplicably satisfying. They do look cute. But toddlers are like grandfathers—they don’t give a damn if their clothes match.
FURNITURE.
C’mon. Who are you impressing with the Bellini nursery set? Your single friends can’t tell a new crib from a large UPS box, and your mom friends will praise your taste to your face while silently thinking you’re a rich jerk.
Don’t be fooled by furniture ads with the lovestruck new mom breastfeeding her newborn in a mahogany rocking chair in a peaceful, green nursery room. That will happen exactly twice—then Operation Breastfeed will move into the family room, or wherever you keep the big-screen TV and the comfy couch.
TOYS.
You can’t predict what your kid will play with. The Melissa & Doug farm animal puzzle will go unsolved while your kid snaps rubber bands for two weeks.
You need to get all of this shit in the form of hand-me-downs. In olden times, moms were generous with their old clothes. But now, thanks to fertility drugs and certain celebrities, everyone thinks they can have twins when they’re forty-five. Women knee-deep in perimenopause are holding on to all of it … just in case.
So, what do you do if you see a toy or a doll or a jacket that your friend’s child is no longer using?
1. Take it. If she’s like 99 percent of the moms, she won’t notice it’s gone. If she does, she’ll think it’s somewhere in the garage or that her husband lost it. Obviously, your kid can’t wear it or play with it in her presence, so be an organized thief and keep track of your stash on an Excel spreadsheet. Of course, this only applies to items that her kids have outgrown (according to you). You can always sneak it back into her house when your child ages up.
2. Borrow it. This is the same as taking it, except you’re doing it with her blessing. You both know that you aren’t returning the train station roundabout. In fact, you’ll probably lend it to another friend, and so on and so forth, until it falls apart. Then its final owner will donate it to Goodwill and write it off at its original price.
3. Ask for it. But only if you don’t have the balls to take it. If she says no, you are screwed. You have tipped your hand. She has something you covet. She will notice when it’s missing, suspect you instantly, and never invite you over again. And then how will you get your hands on that Emily train?
Unfortunately, asking is the only way to get furniture. Unless you are the kind of person who can smuggle a changing table in your purse. Then you should’ve written this book.
Remember: The Velveteen Rabbit only became Real after he was used up by a Boy. You aren’t stealing, you are making things more Real.