Remember: The only thing they’ll say when you get home is “What did you get me?” In the end, it’s all about the airport snow globe.
After you have kids, business trips suck. In addition to packing your things, you have to sort out theirs. Sitters are arranged, grandmothers are flown in, phone numbers are written down, clothes are washed and folded, car pools are covered, and food is prepared. You are a warden leaving inmates in the care of a substitute.
If you’re heading out of town, it must be important.
In this moment, as you try to make up for your absence, you are vulnerable to guilt. And your kids know it. It’s probably some evolutionary crap, with babies doing whatever they could to convince their mothers not to leave them, vulnerable to a dingo attack. But we don’t live in huts or squat in caves. We have mortgages, and we pay them with jobs that might require travel.
Do kids care? No. If kids had their way, you would quit your job and the gym and hang out with them all day, eating Goldfish.
As you zip your suitcase closed, they are doing anything to make you stay. Cute and cuddly one moment, hysterical the next. Children truly are shape-shifters, deserving of their own show on HBO. When the cab pulls up, your kids will say horrible things like “Don’t leave, Mama, we love you.”
DO AS MUCH BUSINESS AS POSSIBLE WHEN THEY ARE INFANTS.
Contrary to popular wisdom, a baby’s first year is when you should double down on the hard work. Make partner, go to conventions—shove it all in before he can ask you to stay home.
When your kid says, “I love you,” she means it as much as she did yesterday, when she said it to an Elmo doll.
THEY HAVE AN AGENDA.
Kids know that guilt, like Santa Claus, brings gifts. When you feel like a Sh*tty Mom, they get a present. It is in their best interest to make you feel terrible.
THEY ARE DISLOYAL TO A FAULT.
Within five minutes of your departure, Dad will give them ice cream and they’ll be like, “Mom who?”
DAD IS THEIR FAVORITE.
Unless their father is the Great Santini, a week alone with Dad is spring break for kids. It’s a vacation from brushing their teeth and taking baths. It’s M&M’s for breakfast, frosting for lunch, and sugar cubes for dinner. And a ten P.M. bedtime.
AND YOU AREN’T EVEN NUMBER TWO.
Not only does Dad occupy first place in their hearts, but second place goes to anyone who lets them watch TV. As you sob in your hotel room, unable to enjoy quiet and solitude, your kid is telling the babysitter that she’s prettier than Mom.
Remember: The only thing they’ll say when you get home is “What did you get me?” In the end, it’s all about the airport snow globe.