* CHAPTER 17 *

Someone Stole Your Baby Name! aka Ballad of the First Aidan Mom

“I hope you don’t mind, but we were thinking of naming our baby [your child’s name].”

Imagine the plight of the mom who, pregnant with a boy in 2000, bravely decided to bring back the name Aidan (or Aiden). It wasn’t popular back then, and no one but the most fervent Aidan Quinn fan was even aware of it. A great name, a nugget of gold picked from a riverbed filled with the same twelve apostles’ names.

And how was this mom rewarded for her vision? By copycats, who nudged Aidan into the Social Security’s Top 100 list of boys’ names and then into the Top 10. Not to mention the creative spellings (Aaden, Aidyn) and the rhymes (Braedon, Caydon, and Jayden). Finally, in December of 2009, BabyCenter.com declared it the top boy’s name of the decade.

Aidan Mom had to wonder: Could she have done anything to stop it?

Don’t let that happen to you.

Look, you did all the legwork. You pored over books and websites, in search of a name that would prophesy greatness. You became an expert in Greek and Latin root words. Your first choice for a girl, “Sophia,” is Greek and means “wisdom,” and you deftly used that fact to shoot down your husband’s first choice, “Darcy,” which is French and means … “from Arcy.”

If you are an immigrant, you wondered if you should keep it ethnically real with “Liu Liu,” or go full-throttle all-American with “Jennifer.” Fit in, or stand out? If you are white, you convinced yourself that one Irish great-grandparent justifies naming your son “Declan” and your daughter “Maeve.”

You read Freakonomics and prudently avoided the middle name “Wayne.” In short, you researched, you argued, and, finally, you decided. And then some bitch comes along and steals your baby’s name.

If her baby is still in utero:

Speak up! In today’s world, there is no reason for any preschool to have more than one Holden (certain parts of Manhattan excepted). Remind your friend that this is the twenty-first century. Any noun can be a name. A fruit, a city, an IKEA product (when will their “Vika” line crack the girls’ Top 10?).

Provide substitutes. You can’t take “Maude” away from her without providing some imaginative alternates. Suggest one of your backup names. You and she obviously have the same taste, and c’mon, you aren’t having another kid. Let your friend have “Audrey.” (If your birth control fails, you still have “Caroline” in your back pocket.)

If her baby has been born:

End the friendship. What else is this bitch going to take from you? Your job? Your husband?

“Caroline”?

Remember: If you don’t say anything, your daughter “Stella” will instead be known as “Olivia C. The blond Olivia C.”

How to Tell When Your Friends Are Pretending They Like Your Baby’s Name

You went your own way with the baby’s name. You picked a name that you’re pretty sure no one else will touch. You like it, your husband likes it, and that’s all that matters. Besides, if first names were destiny, Condoleezza Rice would have been a stripper.

Back to your friend. Perhaps she is old-fashioned—raised to be a Jacob Mom or an Emily Mom. Your name has taken her by surprise.

She will ask you to spell it. This is a stalling technique. She really wants to say, “Uh, what the fuck did you just say?” Spellcheck is a gentle way for her to confirm that, yes, your son’s name is Z-e-p-h-y-r.

She may ask, “How did you come up with that?” She is giving you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was a family name. In fact, before you answer, she’ll suggest that very thing, and her voice will trail upwards: “Sounds like a family name …?”

Your response, “It is, now,” will not help her.