Remember: It’s never too early to start resenting the kind-of-rich kids.
There is a special place in hell for parents who have their kid’s birthday party in a public park and rent a bouncy castle. (And that hell is a never-ending kid’s birthday party with two bouncy castles.) Unknowing moms and dads amble up to the park for a relaxing afternoon of texting and judging. Instead, they’re treated to endless whines from their children: “I want to play in the bouncy castle!”
Their kids’ tear-streaked faces pressed up against a giant plastic bubble.
How is a Sh*tty Mom like you supposed to keep her child from trying to crash a bouncy-castle party?
1. Don’t.
Talking your way into a place where you’re not wanted is a survival skill, and your number-one job as a parent is to teach your child how to survive. Look, Earth is doomed. One day, a meteor will hit the planet or a nuclear bomb will hit the country. So back off and let your kid take his best shot. The four-year-old who can fudge his way into a private bouncy castle will grow into the man who can talk his way into a locked fallout shelter. Or at least into a packed restaurant that won’t seat without a reservation.
This is bigger than you or this other kid’s birthday party.
* Keep a low profile until your kid gets busted. It’s best not to outwardly condone grifty behavior.
* Shift the blame. After the exasperated bouncy mom yells, “Hey, whose kid is this,” spring up from your bench and shout, “Hey, what the hell are you doing with my kid?”
3. Leave the park.
Your kid will probably be upset, and who can blame him? It truly is not fair. Greet him like Paulie did a young Henry Hill in Goodfellas, after his first pinch outside the courthouse. Give your kid a hug and tell him you’re proud because he broke his cherry (don’t explain what that means just yet). Then take him out for some ice cream.
Remember: It’s never too early to start resenting the kind-of-rich kids.