Remember: Nicknames should never be derived from first names. Instead, nicknames should be cruel reminders of your child’s physical flaws, like “Brace Face” and “Four Eyes” and “Fatso.”
Imagine the chill that soars up the spine of an Isabella Mom the first time her daughter is called “Izzy.” Mom nervously tries to steer the Titanic back toward “Isabella” or at least “Bella,” but it’s too late. The “Izzy” iceberg has been struck. Now, it’s fifteen years of “Can Izzy come out to play?” and “Is Izzy home?” Which will itself be shortened to “Is-zy home?”
Don’t be surprised if the daughter named for Spain’s greatest queen will hook up with a Charles and, together, they will be “Chuck and Izzy.”
NEVER SHORTEN YOUR CHILD’S NAME, NOT EVEN ONCE.
It’s the start of a slippery slope. If friends, family, or neighbors hear you call your Margaret “Meg,” they will take matters into their own hands and, before you know it, you’re the proud mother of a “Marge.” People are jerks that way.
MAKE YOUR FEELINGS KNOWN.
It doesn’t matter who the nicknamer is—devoted uncle, well-meaning grandpa. As Henry’s mom, you’ve got to get the word out that “Hank” is unacceptable. Slash their tires, key your child’s full name into their car. It’s send-a-message time.
STAY AWAY FROM THE CLASSICS.
People like to tamper with great names. Is it jealousy? It must be. How else does Maureen become “Mo” or Elizabeth “Betsy”? Maybe that’s why made-up names are popular. Once you put in the effort to crack the spelling and pronunciation of “Nevaeh” (it’s “Heaven” spelled backward, and it was the twenty-fifth most popular girl’s name in 2010), you don’t want to void all of your hard work by calling the kid “Nev.”
Remember: Nicknames should never be derived from first names. Instead, nicknames should be cruel reminders of your child’s physical flaws, like “Brace Face” and “Four Eyes” and “Fatso.”