Remember: As a parent, you will do way more neglectful things than sleep through your baby’s cries. This is just the beginning.
When a mom tells you her baby sleeps through the night, what she’s actually telling you is that she sleeps through the night. All babies cry through the night. They are self-centered and ill-mannered, and they don’t give a shit if they wake you up. Even worse, mothers are hardwired to respond to their baby’s cries. There is one way to end this cycle of abuse: Make sure that you are unable to hear your baby cry at night.
1. The baby should sleep in his own room.
It is impossible to ignore your baby when he’s crying in a bassinet next to your bed (or even worse, sleeping in your bed). He exited your body for a reason—he’s ready to move on. Let him.
2. The baby’s room should be nowhere near yours.
For God’s sake, do not share a wall. Nothing conducts the sound of an infant’s wail like drywall. If you live in an apartment, move the crib to the farthest possible wall—preferably one he shares with your neighbor.
3. Traditional noisemakers don’t work.
Once you’ve got the baby as far away as possible, it’s time for some aural neutralization. Noise machines are ineffective. Like all animals, babies continue to evolve. Their vocal cords have adapted to modern times and it takes only seconds for their cries to pierce the white noise of fake crickets, fake birds, fake whales, and fake babbling brooks. Never forget: Babies are crafty, and they are on to us.
4. Buy a fan and leave it on until the baby turns three.
But guess what? Babies have an enemy, and it is the fan. Not the dainty, spinning fan of the 1950s, and not the sophisticated, noiseless fan of the future. No. Babies are unable to fight back against the boxy fan of the ’70s. The ugly, cheap fan with a filthy grille. The fan with three settings: “low,” “medium,” and “I just slept for eight hours and I feel great.”
DO NOT TURN IT OFF. The fan allows you to live in a fantasy world where your baby is a “champion sleeper.” But only if it’s on. Should you get cocky and flip the setting to “low”? Well, well, well … this is the moment your baby has been waiting for. He knows you are genetically programmed to come to him, and he will open his little mouth and strike your heart with a wail that will destroy your “champion sleeper” illusion.
Remember: As a parent, you will do way more neglectful things than sleep through your baby’s cries. This is just the beginning.