Remember: Instead of contributing to a college fund, get a good life insurance policy. You will probably die before your kid’s student loans kick in.
Congrats old gal, you did it. You had a career, and you had men. Lots and lots of men. Maybe even a woman. You ignored all that “biological clock” crap and partied on, postponing motherhood until the last possible second. And then—when every women’s magazine said your forty-four-year-old womb was finished—you cranked out a shorty.
You beat some insane odds.
So, let’s take a moment and look back on your accomplished life. You made partner, or headed a division, or became the first female-whatever in your company’s history. Or you released eight albums to critical acclaim, or discovered an element, or had groupie sex with a Smashing Pumpkin, or got a second master’s degree or a third husband. Your teens, twenties, and thirties are one long blur of doing whatever the fuck you wanted.
Your life was awesome.
And now it’s over. Hope you kept diaries. Remember that one decade, where you never woke up before eleven A.M.? It will never happen again—not even when your kid is out of the house. By then, you will be a senior citizen. And guess what old people do? They wake up early. Earlier than babies, earlier than toddlers. They put on velour sweats and powerwalk around the mall.
A few things to keep in mind:
IT’S NO ONE’S BUSINESS HOW YOU GOT PREGNANT.
Did that baby come from your last good egg, or someone else’s fresh ones? Was it fertility drugs, fertility treatments, or a night of wine with a young guy and his eager drone sperm? It’s no one’s business. The only thing that matters is that you did it. In the South, women your age are grannies.
YOU MAY BE THE OLDEST GRANDMOTHER SINCE GENESIS.
What if your daughter is like you, and waits until she’s nearly fifty? You’ll be a ninety-year-old first-time grandma. That is some Old Testament shit right there. On the bright side, it will be convenient. As your daughter goes into labor in the maternity ward, you will be close by, staring at the wall in the dementia ward.
OLD SH*TTY MOMS ARE GREAT SH*TTY MOMS.
You won’t resent your kid for stealing your youth, because you squandered it all by yourself. Unlike the young moms, you can’t blame any career setbacks on mommy-tracking. Your accomplishments are your pride, and the lack of them is your fault. But don’t be hard on yourself—if you couldn’t get it together before you had the baby, you probably weren’t ever gonna get it together.
YOU HAVE PERSPECTIVE.
You can appreciate little moments because you have proof that life goes by quickly: your own middle age. Does a twenty-year-old mom understand that life is short? Nope. To her, life is taking forever. (Mostly because she can’t drink yet.)
MAKE THINGS EASY.
Move to a coast. If you’re the only old mom at the park, you can’t possibly be living in New York or California. Move. Be among your people, old mom. There is strength in numbers, and other old moms need you to confirm the outside temperature, in case they have a hot flash.
Remember: Instead of contributing to a college fund, get a good life insurance policy. You will probably die before your kid’s student loans kick in.