Remember: Beware the man who’s too eager to become a stepfather. The good ones realize what a huge commitment it is. Anyone who isn’t scared shitless is a creep.
“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single mother in possession of her children must be in want of a nap.”
—Pride & Prejudice 2, in which Mr. Darcy leaves
Elizabeth Bennet and their two children for Caroline Bingley
Every single-mom book can be boiled down to these eight learned lessons:
1. Being a single mom is hard, but not as hard as living with an asshole.
2. Beware your next crush. Your taste in men is suspect.
3. In 1970s and ’80s TV icons terms, raising a kid on your own is 1 percent Murphy Brown and 99 percent Alice.
4. Most married women unconsciously believe that you will infect them with divorce cooties.
5. Learn to make basic repairs, or join Angie’s List and hire someone with four stars to do it for you.
6. During election cycles, politicians will use you to rattle their base. The Republicans will shit on you and the Democrats will lionize you. After it’s all over, nothing will change.
7. Cheer up. Lots of successful people were raised by single moms:
* President Barack Obama (the first African-American president)
* Michael Phelps (eight gold medals in a single Olympics)
* Louis C.K. (amazingly prolific comedian)
* Ted Bundy (amazingly prolific serial killer)
8. One day, out of nowhere, a married mom will say something along the lines of “Jim is gone so much because of work, I feel like a single mom!”
That statement is the mom equivalent of the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. The awful silence that follows could easily escalate into the war to end all wars. Advice to both parties:
Single Mom: Remember, it is illegal to put your hands around someone’s throat, no matter how ridiculous their comments.
Married Mom: Shut it. Shut your mouth. Shut your mouth before you are strangled to death.
Here’s the difference between a single mom and a married mom whose husband travels three weeks out of the month. The husband eventually comes back. The single mom, depending on her ex’s participation, never, rarely, or infrequently gets a day off. It’s the court case of Fucking Exhausted v. Totally Fucking Exhausted.
Remember: Beware the man who’s too eager to become a stepfather. The good ones realize what a huge commitment it is. Anyone who isn’t scared shitless is a creep.