Remember: Oh, to be a babysitter, and live in a world where “Do Not Eat” means “Please Eat,” and “Be here at eight” means “Text me at 8:10 to say you’re running late.”
If you are in the market for a babysitter, you either just had your first baby, or your old sitter quit. You gotta break someone in, fast.
* Do not trust your friends. No one gives up a good sitter. If a “friend” recommends hers, rest assured it is her “C” sitter. Her backup’s backup. It’s the sitter that eats food labeled “do not eat” and turns the channel even though the DVR is recording, so that three minutes into the season finale of Breaking Bad, you will be watching Teen Mom. You are getting someone else’s sloppy seconds. Meanwhile, her “A” sitter, the one who shows up on time and never minds if you’re home late … that sitter is a secret, like a teen pregnancy in the ’50s.
You are on your own. You are Scarlett O’Hara after Rhett dumped her on the way to Tara. Helpless Melanie is nursing in your wagon, and your reins are steering a dying nag through Yankee-held territory.
* Scope out your neighborhood. Is there a clever-eyed thirteen-year-old, or an empty-nested fifty-year-old? Pick wisely, because this person will spend hours in your house, unsupervised. She may find your tax records or stumble upon your vibrator(s). She could take pictures of the scissors on the changing table and tweet them to CPS. You leave yourself open to ruin.
* Post an ad on Craigslist. Before you open the first response, decide how important it is that the sitter know the difference between “their” and “they’re.”
* Gender profile. Illegal? Yes. But this is not a federal job, it’s babysitting. No one will know. And while no one’s saying that a man should not be allowed to babysit, Sh*tty Mom is saying that men on Craigslist should not be allowed to babysit. What if he clicked on “childcare” only because he got no response from “men seeking women”?
* Lower your standards. It would be great if sitters got down on their knees and engaged their charges. But seeing as how your kid bores you, it’s a stretch to think the sitter will enjoy sitting on your floor, playing LEGOs. In fact, if she’s anything like the great 1970s babysitters of our youth, she will play with your kid until you’ve backed the car out of the driveway. Then she’ll drop the toys and let your kid watch TV while she talks to her boyfriend for three hours.
Just as the good Lord intended.
Remember: Oh, to be a babysitter, and live in a world where “Do Not Eat” means “Please Eat,” and “Be here at eight” means “Text me at 8:10 to say you’re running late.”