Remember: It’s always OK to ask “Which kid is yours?”
Note: While Sh*tty Mom is a book for mothers of every race, ethnicity, nationality, sexuality, and gender, the following chapter is written exclusively for white moms. Well-meaning white moms.
Let us first establish that you are a good person. You have only the best of intentions. You love that your white kids are friends with other-race kids. The black kid, the Hispanic kid, that Asian girl, that ethnically vague kid down the street with the brown curly hair (Arabian? Italian? Kardashian?). It’s all good! You fully believe that diversity produces well-rounded children who will succeed in an America where, soon, whites will no longer be the majority.
Yay, you!
Here you are, at your daughter’s Saturday morning gymnastics class, watching from the bleachers. In her class are two African-American girls, and in the bleachers with you are two African-American moms. One of the girls—the one with the cornrows—executes a nice, clean backbend. You are impressed. You want her mother to know that you are democratically excited about every child’s accomplishment, even if they’re black. (Don’t worry, you didn’t say that out loud.)
Unfortunately, you don’t know which African-American woman is the mother of Backbend Girl. However, your keen eye observes that one of the moms has cornrows. Just like Backbend Girl! What are the odds that—STOP RIGHT NOW.
Please.
This is one of those things that, even if it goes well, will net you a nearly pointless victory. Who are you going to tell? Is there a whites-only message board where you can post about successfully matching the African-American mom to the African-American child?
And do you think the African-American mom gives a shit? Will she go onto her blacks-only message board and post that “white people are finally getting us”?
There’s no winner in this scenario. There’s only a loser who didn’t lose as much as she could have.
Even worse: What if you guess wrong? What then? Will you panic and explain your cornrows theory? Will you realize how white you sound and overcorrect yourself by saying something worse? Or will you switch races completely and attempt to match the Chinese girl to the adoptive white mom? Only to find out that a) the Chinese girl is Japanese and b) she’s not adopted. Good God, woman, you’re spinning out of control!
A few things you can do:
* Say, “Oh, my mistake!”
* Stop talking.
Note to African-American moms: Please give Well-Meaning White Mom a break. She probably grew up in the last town in America to have no black people. She believes that your child’s very existence will enrich her child’s life. To her, you are the mystical mother of a fairy princess—with cornrows.)
Remember: It’s always OK to ask “Which kid is yours?”