Remember: If you want a new friend, open some wine. If you don’t, open the door.
The playdate is set. That mom you don’t know very well, but whose daughter plays OK with yours, is dropping her child off at one P.M. That means from one till about … three-ish, your child will be occupied. And, in the world of parenting (and Orwell), Occupation = Freedom. Oh, you may have to referee a fight or two, pour some juice, pass out cookies … but that’s a small price to pay for several ten-minute increments of solitude. You can Facebook, watch some 30 Rocks, and finish reading last month’s Real Simple.
Ahhh.
Mom and child arrive. You welcome them inside. Your kid drags hers to the bedroom. The mom follows. Yes, her child will be safe and happy here. You don’t cook meth—in fact you barely cook food. The floor is clean-ish and the toys are mostly lead-free. The mom approves. You leave the children to play, and you move to escort the mom out the front door and she … sits down on your couch.
“So,” she asks, picking up your Real Simple. “What do you do?”
It’s over. Instead of enjoying some semi-alone time, you are stuck on a mom-date. Two hours of what the husbands do for a living, how well your kids sleep through the night: the vague chitchat that women engage in when the only thing they have in common is similar-age kids. If you absolutely can’t fake it, you have two options:
1. Include the mom in your plans. Perhaps she thinks she has to stay over, and is as uncomfortable as you are. Pour alcohol. She’s probably also behind on 30 Rock. Best case: You make a friend. Worst case: The mom thinks you are a day drinker and never brings her kid over again. If she spreads the word, you will become popular with other day drinkers, and that can’t be a bad thing.
2. Just be honest, sort of. Say, “You know, there’s so much laundry and cleaning that I was hoping to get done while the girls played.…” Then just trail off and stand there awkwardly. Chances are fifty-fifty that she will respond with “Me too! Do you mind if I come back at three?”
And then you’ve made a real friend.
Remember: If you want a new friend, open some wine. If you don’t, open the door.