Remember: A life spent wincing at dead baby jokes is not a life worth living.
You’re at a comedy club, having a good time. You haven’t gone out much since the baby and it’s nice to be around adults. Then the comedian tells a dead baby joke. Instead of laughing, like your old self would have done, you take it seriously. Your stomach tightens and you visualize your baby being put inside that joke’s microwave oven. My God, how can people laugh at a time like this? You look around. No one else is joining you in this grim fantasy. They’re laughing, they’re groaning, they’re groan-laughing. In fact, the only thing they’re not doing is texting the babysitter, to make sure the baby is not being microwaved.
Put your cell phone down. You are pathetic.
What happened to you? Back in the day, you loved yourself a dead baby joke. In fact, you loved jokes about dead people of all ages! And movies, TV shows, and hip-hop. You knew all the words to Eminem’s “Stan”—yes you did. You sang along as Stan tied up his girlfriend, threw her in the back of a truck, and drove her off a pier. “Stan” was your jam!
And look at you now. Cowering in the corner, watching Law & Order: SVU through a blanket. Shame on you.
There is a way back. You have to desensitize yourself again. Build calluses on your bleeding heart. The Sh*tty Mom Media Guide will have you enjoying the fictional death of innocents in no time.
1. Over-the-top ridiculous
Start with violence that is so ridiculous that even you can laugh at it. The Saw movies are just what the doctor ordered. The protagonist is a lunatic who exacts revenge on douchebags by killing them with comical savagery. The Saw maniac chooses his victims precisely because they are assholes. They all deserve to die. In this oeuvre (there are at least six), your heartstrings are safe.
2. Watch YouTube
Let’s step away from fiction and turn to YouTube. Specifically, videos on YouTube that feature people hurting themselves in the pursuit of something stupid. You will feel no empathy for the dumbass who miscalculates how far he needs to jump off his roof in order to land in a pool. Unless your kid is a dumbass. Then you must:
2a. Stay Away from YouTube
If you suspect your child may one day attach jumper cables to his balls just to see if he can charge them with the car battery, stay away from YouTube. For you, a click on this site is a terrifying glimpse into the future, which is filled with hospital visits, broken bones, and second-degree burns.
Protect yourself. Like carriers of the Huntington’s gene who refuse to get tested because knowing the truth would be too awful, the mother of a dumbass must stay off YouTube.
Proceed to step 3.
3. The Old Testament
It’s time to move on to nameless people being killed by their jealous God. Open up the Old Testament and head over to Genesis. Start with the Flood. God kills every person except Noah’s family. Then go to Exodus, where God kicks off the first Passover by killing every first-born Egyptian male. If you’re really feeling cocky, go back to Genesis where God nearly talks Abraham into killing his son, Isaac. This story will be especially challenging for moms who underwent multiple IVF treatments, as Isaac was conceived when his mother, Sarah, was ninety years old. How many cycles is that, if you start at age forty?
Once you polish off the Old Testament, you are ready for your final challenge.
4. Dexter
Dexter is a show about a wry serial killer who kills other serial killers. The violence is often Saw-esque in its ridiculousness, and Dexter is very likeable, plus he has a backstory that will break your mom-heart. However, the other serial killers are reprehensible. They kill women, children, and nice people. Season 4 (with the Trinity Killer) is the equivalent of your finals, your LSATs, and your MCATs combined. Dexter’s season 4 will make you long for the carefree days of Cain killing Abel. But if you can watch the whole thing … you are officially back.
Now you can go to a comedy club again.
IF YOU STILL WINCE AT VIOLENCE …
Just wait until you are elderly. You’ll be all over these shows when you’re a senior, because old people love to see young people get killed. They love their NCIS, their Law & Orders, and their CSIs. The brighter the victim’s future, the more satisfying his murder. Why? Because old people are jealous cranks (not unlike God in the Old Testament).
When they’re not watching Law & Order, they’re watching Judge Judy. They love it when Judge Judy yells at people. It’s their Super Bowl. They make dip, and cheer and holler when Her Honor scores a touchdown. Because that’s the only thing old people want to do: yell at young people, then have them convicted of stealing their newspaper. As if young people even read newspapers.
One day you will be the old woman cheering on Dexter and highlighting the slavery parts of the Bible.
Remember: A life spent wincing at dead baby jokes is not a life worth living.