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“I’m gonna head up to bed. Just yell when you’re ready to go to bed, and I’ll come help you.” Mave locked the front door and flipped off the outside light.
“I thought we could watch a movie or something.”
Mave shook her head and feigned a yawn. “I think I’m just going to call it a night. It’s been a long day.”
She wouldn’t look at me, and I could tell she was trying to get away from me. Something had changed. The Mave I had come to know was gone, and in her place, was indifference and coldness.
“Sack out on the couch with me. We can pop some popcorn and watch a few episodes of Designated Survivor.” Make out for a few hours. The usual. I wanted the usual.
She pulled the cardigan she was wearing tight around her middle. “I think I’ll pass, Roc. Just holler when you need help getting into bed.”
She climbed a few stairs, and her steps faltered when I called her name.
“What the hell is going on, Mave?” I called.
She looked over her shoulder. “I’m just tired, Roc.”
“Bullshit.”
Something had happened, except I didn’t have a fucking clue what it could have been. Everything had been fine before dinner, and then, it was like a switch was flipped and Mave was gone.
“Not sure why that’s bullshit,” she said evenly.
“It’s bullshit because I can tell something is wrong but you’re acting like you’re fine. I’m not a fucking idiot, Mave.”
She laughed flatly. “No, Roc. I’m the fucking idiot. Call when you need me.”
She marched up the stairs and didn’t stop when I called her name again.
I ran my fingers through my hair and slammed my hand down on the couch next to me.
I couldn’t even chase her because I was a fucking cripple who couldn’t even walk. Mave had parked my wheelchair by the front door, and I couldn’t even reach it.
“How the hell am I supposed to tell you when I want to go to bed when I don’t have a walkie talkie?” I shouted. I was pissed and I was going to say anything to get her back down here.
I wanted her back down here. I wanted to know what the hell was going on in her head.
“Just like that,” she shouted back.
“Fine,” I grunted. “Then I want to go to bed right now!”
If the only way I was going to get her back down here was if I told her that I wanted to go to bed, then that was what I was going to do. I just wasn’t going to let her go to bed until I found out what the hell was going on.
Her feet treaded lightly down the steps, and I watched her walk over to the wheelchair and push it toward me. Wordlessly, she helped me into the chair, and I let her roll me into the bathroom.
“Did I do something, Mave?”
She flinched but didn’t say anything.
She grabbed my toothbrush and squirted toothpaste on it.
“Mave.”
She held the brush out to me and turned on the water.
I didn’t take the toothbrush. I didn’t want the damn thing. I wasn’t tired at all and only told her I was ready for bed because I didn’t want her running from me.
I rolled back and reached for the door. I pushed it shut and positioned myself in front of it. “We’re not leaving this bathroom until you tell me what in the hell is going on in your head.”
“Nothing is going on in my head.”
“Now that’s a damn lie.” She was treating me like I was an idiot who didn’t notice anything. “You barely looked at me during dinner, and anytime I tried to talk to you, you gave me one-word answers and avoided me like I wasn’t even there.”
She shook her head. “No, I didn't.”
“Cut the fucking shit, Mave. Tell me what the hell I did. Tell me what is going on in your head.”
Mave turned to the sink and set down the toothbrush. “Roc, can we please not do this? There isn’t anything going on.”
“You know, I thought we knew each other a lot better than this. I thought we both respected each other enough to not lie.”
“Lie?” she laughed bitterly. “Pretty sure you were the first one who lied to me.”
What in the hell was she talking about? “Lie? Mave, I haven’t lied about a damn thing with you. Hell, I’ve probably been more honest with you than I have been with anyone in my life.”
She shook her head.
“Tell me what the hell is going on,” I demanded. I was done playing whatever fucking game this was.
She sighed and dropped her chin to her chest. “I think we just need to go back to me just being someone taking care of you and leave whatever this is, out of it.”
“What? You wanna just be some employee? Someone I pay to take care of me and doesn’t talk to me?”
She nodded and sniffed. “Please, Roc. That’s all I want.” Her voice was desperate and on the brink of breaking.
“Just tell me what I did, Mave. Tell me what happened.”
I wanted to fix it. Whatever it was that had happened I just wanted to make it better.
She shook her head. “Just please stop, Roc.”
“Fine. If that’s what you want.”
It wasn’t what I fucking wanted but that obviously didn’t matter.
I wheeled forward and grabbed the toothbrush. She stepped to the side and watched me. After I brushed my teeth, I finished in the bathroom with her help and wheeled into the bedroom.
Tears stained her cheeks as she lifted me into bed, and I felt a pain I hadn’t experienced in a long fucking time. I had hurt Mave, and I didn’t know how to fix it. I had done the same thing to Harlyn's mom and dragged it out for years.
I wasn’t going to hurt Mave for that long.
I wasn’t going to be the reason why she lost the brilliant light in her eyes.
“Night, Roc,” she said softly.
I didn’t reply.
There wasn’t a right answer to her broken voice.
She flipped the light off, and I listened to her softly pad up the stairs.
I had lost Mave before I even had her.
*
