Mason dropped his newspaper to stare over at his wife. The stunned, hurt expression on Lily’s face tore through him like sharp-edged lace. Did he tell her part of the truth, that her not being able to conceive had played a part in his decision to marry her? Or did he tell her the whole truth and confess that he loved her, had always loved her, and he now wished for a child of their own? No, if he told Lily that now, it would only add to her misery, since she could never grant him that wish. But he could convince her that he loved her. Maybe.
But what if she wasn’t ready to accept his love? Maybe it would be better to keep things light, more businesslike, even though this marriage had gone way beyond a simple arrangement just for the sake of convenience. Torn and in despair, he could only sit there staring at her.
“It’s true, isn’t it?” Lily said, obviously taking his silence as a sure confession as she got up to pace around the room. “You said there were practical reasons for this match. And not having children fit right in with your own agenda, didn’t it?”
“Lily.” He reached out a hand to still her, while he tried to still his own fearful heart. “I’ll admit the thought crossed my mind. No, I never wanted children, never needed a family of my own. But it was because—”
“Because you’ve always had to put business first,” she interrupted. “You told me that going in. Told me you had your work and your life and all you needed was someone to organize things and give you a proper home—a proper wife to show off to all your executive friends.”
Before he could respond, she whirled away from his touch. “Well, I’m not that kind of woman, Mason. I’m not a trophy or a prize. I’m just plain-Jane Lily, from the wilds of Caddo Lake. I’m just a…a barren, backwoods widow, someone to pity and feel guilty over. You tried to convince yourself you wanted this, tried to believe you were honoring your brother’s dying wishes, but deep down inside you were just being Mason—looking ahead to the benefits. And apparently, the benefits of not having to deal with a child far outweighed any shortcomings I might bring into this marriage.”
Mason couldn’t believe she saw herself or him in the ways she’d just described. “Lily, that’s not how I viewed this. Not at all.”
But as he sat there, he had to admit that at first, that’s exactly how he’d pictured this marriage. Convenient, with a companion he cared about, with no strings attached and no children to force him to face his own shortcomings. Ah, but all of that had changed so very much.
But how did he tell her that now, when she looked so dejected, so hurt, so broken and vulnerable? If he told her that he loved her, she wouldn’t believe him. Not now. Maybe not ever.
So instead he said, “Since you couldn’t have children, I didn’t think it would matter one way or the other how I felt about not wanting them. I’m sorry.”
“So am I,” she replied, silent tears coursing down her face. “I—I had such hopes for us, Mason. I actually thought—”
He got up then to pull her into his arms. Somehow he had to make her see the truth. “Lily, remember I told you I’d never do anything to hurt you. That much is true. I told you I’d be here, that you’d always have me.”
She pushed at him, forcing him to let her go. “Yes, and now I can see how easy it was for you to make that promise. You figured you’d take care of me, pamper me, parade me around like some sort of glorified business asset, but you never really committed to our vows, Mason. You never stopped to think about the emotional side of marriage. You were just fulfilling some sort of misguided duty to your brother.”
“That’s not true—”
But Lily was done with listening. Lifting a hand to stop his explanation, she said, “We both came into this marriage for all the wrong reasons, and now it’s beginning to tell on us. We’re paying the consequences of our actions, Mason. We were wrong to get married, and now we can at least be honest about that.”
Mason watched as she left the room, his heart feeling as if someone had just put a vise to it and squeezed it in two. He told himself to go after her, to tell her that he loved her so much, he’d do anything to show her that love. But all he could do was sink down on the couch and put his head in his hands.
And that’s how Curtis found him.
“Everything all right, son? I thought I heard shouting in here.”
Mason looked up at his father. Not bothering to hide the tears burning his eyes, he wiped a hand across his face. “No, everything is not all right. Lily and I had a terrible fight, and I need to be by myself right now.”
“No, you don’t,” Curtis said as he sat down beside his son. “I think what you need more than anything right now is a father. And I’m here, son. I’m here.”
Mason fought hard to grip the flood of emotions breaking through the last of his bitterness. But like a crashing wave, all his hurt and anger came pouring out, seeking release. Paralyzed with the fear of losing Lily, he dropped his hands and slumped toward his father.
Curtis caught Mason in his arms and hugged him tightly against his skinny frame. “I’m here, son. At last.”
Mason shook as he gripped his father close, the sobs racking his body a gentle, cleansing release. “I love her,” he managed to whisper. “But I didn’t tell her in time. I waited and now it’s too late.”
Curtis lifted his son by the shoulders and looked him square in the eyes. “No. It’s never too late when you love someone.” His own voice shook with emotion. “Look at us, son.”
Mason took a long shuddering breath. “You told me you believe Lily loves me. You said you could see it. Why couldn’t I?”
Curtis shrugged. “Maybe because you couldn’t look beyond your own pain and longing. Maybe because I hurt you so much, you were afraid to see that someone could love you.”
Mason nodded, everything crystal clear in his mind now. He wouldn’t let her walk away; he wouldn’t let her go. He loved her, and unlike his father had done all those years, he wouldn’t sit by silently. With a renewed hope, he fell back into his father’s strong arms and cried the last of his tears.
Lily slipped out the back door leading to the garage, a small suitcase in her trembling hand. She was going back to the lake. There she would have her child, there she would ask God to forgive this terrible, terrible mistake she had made in the name of honor.
There was no honor in this marriage. How could there be any honor between a man who didn’t know the true meaning of love and a woman who confessed to loving the wrong man?
She’d married Mason because in her heart she wanted to be with him. It was that simple, and that wrong. It didn’t matter that Daniel had condoned it, had requested it. She could tell herself that all day long, and it would never matter again. The only thing that really mattered now, was that she was going to have Mason’s child. Out of despair, she would find joy.
But she would do it alone.
With that thought, she cranked her truck and slowly backed it out of the open garage, all of her hopes and dreams turning as black and starless as the never-ending night lifting out before her.
Lily arrived at the lake house well after midnight. Tired and exhausted, she went in and went straight to bed. In spite of her broken spirit, it felt good to be back here where she’d always felt safe and secure, and loved. With her bedroom window open to the sounds of late summer, she drifted in and out of a fitful, tormented sleep. But somewhere between her tears and the breaking of dawn, she sent up a prayer for absolution, for redemption, for a second chance to make things right in her life.
“I’m leaving it in Your hands, Lord. I can accept that Mason will never love me, and I can accept that this marriage wasn’t meant to be. I only ask that You show me the way, and help me to raise this child with the love and faith that You’ve always shown me.”
About an hour after sunrise, Lily got up to make herself a strong cup of coffee. As she made her way down the hall toward the kitchen, a sharp, severe pain centered in her stomach, causing her to bend over and groan.
“No,” she whispered as a cold sweat popped out on her forehead. “Dear God, please no. Don’t let me lose this baby.”
The pains grew worse. In a panic, she made her way to the phone and dialed her parents’ number. Cora answered on the second ring.
“Mama,” Lily said, her voice weak. Feeling faint and nauseated, she managed to sink into a chair.
“Lily, sugar, what’s wrong? You don’t sound—”
“Mama, can you come? I’m at the lake house. I’m sick.”
“I’ll be right there.”
Lily heard the click. Then the ringing of the dial tone merged with the ringing in her ears as she gave in to the swirling blackness and fell in a heap on the kitchen floor.
She was having a beautiful dream where everything was colored in bright, sunny yellows and luminous, crisp whites. Mason was there. He was standing by the lake, a smile on his face. A small child stood beside him, and then another child ran up to greet them. Mason swept the little boy up in his arms and held the hand of the little girl. Oh, what a sweet scene. How precious. They all looked so happy. Lily wanted to go to them, to tell them all how much she loved them, but she couldn’t reach them. She couldn’t reach them.
She came awake, disoriented and drenched in sweat. Cora stood by her, a concerned look turning her usually serene expression into a frown. “Honey, you were having a bad dream. Are you all right?”
And then Lily remembered where she was and what had happened over the last twenty-four hours. Her parents rushing to her, a siren in the distance, a long trip to the hospital, pain, so much pain. Then sleep, rest, and…hope.
She tried to get up, but Cora pushed her back down. “Oh, no, young lady. Remember what the doctor told us. If you promise to stay in bed, you won’t have to go back to the hospital.”
Lily sank back against the soft pillows, a sigh of relief coursing through her system. “I didn’t lose the baby.”
“No, honey, you didn’t. And you won’t as long as you behave and stay in that bed for the next few days.”
Lily touched a hand to her stomach. “The pain’s gone and I’ve stopped spotting. The doctor said it would stop if I just tried to relax.”
“And the doctor is right. With all that gardening, you probably tore your placenta a little bit and separated it from the baby. It has to heal up.” Cora sat down in a chair she’d pulled up to the bed, a magazine unopened in her hand. “I called Mason.”
Lily twisted her head to stare at her mother. “I told you not to do that.”
“He has a right to know, Lily.”
“And I guess you decided you had a right to tell him.”
“No. That’s your place. I just told him that you weren’t feeling well and that you’d spent the night in the hospital.” She tossed her magazine down. “Of course, he’s on his way right now. He was full of worry and questions.”
Lily hated the tears forming in her eyes. “Mama, I’ve made such a mess of this marriage. The whole thing was a big mistake.”
Cora lifted a brow. “And this baby? Do you believe this was a mistake?”
Lily swallowed back the lump in her throat. “No, this is a…miracle. A gift.”
“Was this child conceived in love?”
That was hard to answer, but she couldn’t lie to her mother. “It was, on my part,” she said on a soft whisper. Then, as the tears spilled over and ran into a wet pool on the white cotton pillow, she added, “I never told Mason I loved him. I never told him, Mama.”
Cora came to sit on the bed, then leaned down to gather Lily in her arms. “He knows, honey. And I think deep in your heart you know that he loves you, too.”
“No, he doesn’t,” Lily sobbed. “This marriage was just another conquest to him, another way to reach a goal.”
“Nonsense,” Cora chided. “No matter what the two of you believe, you both wanted this, because you both had a deep abiding love for each other.”
Lily struggled to stop the tears. “But it’s wrong. It’s wrong of me to love Mason.”
“Did you love Mason when you were still married to his brother?”
Lily thought long and hard about that question. She had often asked it herself. “I loved Daniel and I was faithful to that love in thought and deed. But after he died, after he requested this marriage, it was as if he’d put into action everything I’d tried so long to deny.”
“So now you’re afraid of loving Mason?”
Lily gripped her mother’s hand, hoping to make some sense of her feelings. “I’m afraid, because I love Mason so much more than I ever loved Daniel. And that’s wrong. I should have given Daniel a child.”
Cora shook her head. “Honey, you can’t go blaming yourself for things beyond your control. You did the best you could with the love you felt for Daniel. But he’s gone now, and you’re married to Mason. Are you going to turn him away, turn away from a chance at real happiness simply because of your guilt?”
“I don’t want to feel this way,” Lily admitted. “But I asked God to show me the way, and then—”
“And then you almost lost the baby.”
“Yes.” Lily couldn’t imagine the pain if she did lose this child. How could she ever cope with that kind of grief? How could she accept something so devastating as God’s will? His will, or her punishment?
“But you didn’t lose the baby,” Cora reminded her. “And you won’t. You have to be strong, honey, and fight hard to nurture the life growing inside you.”
“How do I do that, when I have so many doubts?”
“Watch and pray,” Cora reminded her. Then on a practical note, she added, “And you tell your husband the truth.”
“I’m not ready for that,” Lily replied, turning to bury her face in the pillow.
“Well, you’d better get ready,” Cora retorted. “Mason’s car just pulled up in the driveway.”
He took the porch steps running, leaving Curtis to amble up the walkway by himself. His father had insisted on coming, but the wild, fast-paced ride couldn’t have done Curtis’s weak heart any good.
But right now, Mason’s only concern was his wife. He’d lived through several nightmares over the last few hours, and now he just wanted to see her face, to touch her hand, to know for himself that she was all right.
Bill Norton met him at the front door. “She’s resting, and I’d advise you not to get her all upset.”
Mason admired Bill’s fierce fatherly love, but at this moment, he didn’t care if the man punched him in the face. He wanted to see Lily. “I don’t intend to upset her. What’s wrong anyway? What happened?”
“We’ll let Lily explain,” Cora said as she came into the room and held a gently restraining arm on her husband. “She just woke up.”
Mason pushed past them to the big bedroom on the other side of the house. When he reached the door, however, he had to stop. Lily lay in the bed, surrounded by puffy cotton and patterned lace, her face turned toward the big, open window that allowed a perfect view of the shimmering waters of Caddo Lake. In spite of her paleness, she’d never looked more beautiful.
“Lily,” he called, waiting, his heart bursting with such a protective love, he knew he would have to be honest with her at last, or risk a completely broken heart. He was more than willing to take a risk on love, than losing her forever.
She turned at the sound of his voice, her expression guarded and vulnerable, her eyes dark and luminous with both hope and pain. “Hello, Mason.”
He came into the room, then sank down on his knees beside the bed. “Are you all right?”
Silent tears formed in her eyes. “I think I will be. At least, I hope so.”
Impatient and worried, he sighed and ran a hand through his tousled hair. “Just tell me what happened.”
She smiled softly, then reached a hand to her stomach. “We happened, Mason. Together we caused this.”
Misunderstanding, he put his hand over hers there on her stomach. “I’m so sorry, Lily. I didn’t mean to make you sick. I didn’t mean to make you run away.”
“I’m not sick,” she said. “Not in a bad way, at least.” As the tears streamed down her cheeks, she reached a hand up to his face. “I’m going to have a baby, Mason. Your baby. And yesterday I almost lost it.”
Mason felt as if he’d been hit by a tidal wave, his greatest fears colliding squarely with his best hopes. “What?”
“I’m pregnant,” Lily replied, sniffling back another flood of tears. “And I know you don’t want children, but you won’t have to worry. I intend to stay here on the lake and raise our child. I don’t want you to feel any obligations.”
Mason stared at her, unsure whether to hold her tight in joy, or shake some sense into her. “No obligations?” he said, the words rising out over the still room. “No obligations toward my own child? How can you even think I wouldn’t feel obligated?”
“Our marriage didn’t work,” she tried to explain. “But something good came of it. It’s just that—”
“Just what, Lily? Just that you think I don’t feel the same sense of commitment you do? Just that you think I’m not worthy enough to father a child?” At her surprised look, he continued, anger fueling his courage. “Well, let me tell you a few things, Mrs. Winslow. One, I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you.”
He saw the shock in her expression, but kept talking. “That’s right. I loved you when I left this lake, but because I respected what you and Daniel had together, I never acted on that love. I stayed away, stayed clear of anything that might be considered inappropriate, but I always thought about you, watched over you, loved you as a friend and a relative.”
She tried to speak, but he held a finger to her lips. “And then my brother gave me the one thing I never dreamed I could have—a chance to prove my love to you. So don’t ever doubt that love again.”
Lily again tried to say something, but he hushed her. “And two, this baby is mine. Yours and mine, and whether you want to believe it or not, I want a child with you. I didn’t want children before, that much is true. But because of you, because of the love and the joy you’ve brought into my life, I—I want this baby just as much as you, Lily. And that’s the complete, honest truth.”
Just to prove his point, he lay his head against her stomach and turned to face her, his own tears clogging his throat. “Whether it’s wrong or right, I don’t know anymore. I only know I don’t want to be without you in my life. I love you.”
Lily pulled a hand through his hair as a brilliant joy radiated her soul. “I love you, too, Mason.”
He brought his head up, face-to-face with hers. “You do?”
“Yes, I do. But I thought my love for you was wrong. I thought God was punishing me by taking away our baby.”
“Why would you think such a thing?”
She touched his hair, his jaw, his mouth, with her hand. “Because I love you so much. More than I ever loved Daniel. And I wasn’t honest about that love, not with you, and certainly not with myself. I entered into this marriage after finding a letter from Daniel. He said you needed me, but I was afraid to tell you that. I was afraid you didn’t really need me at all. So I married you to honor his request—not the one in the formal will, but the personal one he left me in his letter. But I felt so guilty. So guilty.” Her voice cracked and she stopped, a single tear slipping down her cheek.
Suddenly Mason saw everything she’d been fighting against. She loved him as much as he loved her, but she felt such a tremendous guilt because of that love that she had refused to acknowledge it.
“Lily,” he said as he pulled her into his arms. “Lily.” He kissed away her tears, then told her, “Let’s start all over. Let’s make a new commitment to our vows, to our love, to our child. Daniel wanted this for us, maybe because he saw what we couldn’t see, maybe because he was a kind, loving man who knew what sacrifice was all about. And I have to believe that if we ask God to guide us and forgive everything in the past, He’ll allow this for us, too. He wants us to be happy, Lily.”
“Does He?” she asked. “Do we deserve any happiness?”
Mason nodded. “If we make a new commitment to our faith, if we let go of all the old hurts and the pain, I believe God will give us this chance, Lily. It worked with my father and me, and now it can work with us.”
“I do love you,” she told him. Then she kissed him. “I thought I’d lost you.”
“I told you,” he reminded her as he guided her back down on the pillows. “You still have me, Lily. You will always have me.”
As she gazed into his eyes, a gentle breeze lifted the lacy curtains at the window, and somewhere off in the distance, a dove’s soft coo echoed God’s promise, sounding it right along with Mason’s words.
“I will not leave you.”
It was a pledge to both of them and to their child. And it was all the proof she ever needed.