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I managed to find an apartment in the next town over from Garner, close enough to where I could see Sam but not too close to Jack that I might be tempted to see him again. I had spent a few weeks in Garner after I’d left him and felt like I was always on the look-out to make sure that he was nowhere near. I didn’t think I could handle seeing him in person, though I was admittedly tempted to go into his restaurant every time I walked by. I had been constantly torn between my desire to see him and my desperation not to, and moving a town away made me feel more secure in the idea that I could move on from Jack once and for all.
I woke up one morning aching, my back feeling stressed out and sore as I climbed out of bed. The act of standing made me feel dizzy, and I was forced to sit down on my bed to catch my bearings before I could get up again. My stomach started to churn suddenly, and within an instant my mouth felt heavy. I ran to the bathroom, heaving over the toilet. It was the third morning in a row that I had been sick and I knew what that could mean, but I refused to think about it, instead throwing myself into my work. I had gotten several students with Sam’s help, and was starting to make good money traveling back and forth between Garner to teach music lessons and visit with my friend. Each time, I even avoided the block leading to Jack’s restaurant.
It was a few days later that my worst fears were nearly confirmed—the day for my period to start came and went, and I remembered vividly the last time I’d had sex with Jack, how we had been so caught up in the moment that we hadn’t used a condom. He had come inside me, and it had felt so good that I hadn’t worried about it in the moment.
I went to the doctor, who confirmed what I already knew. I was pregnant, and my life was completely going to change. Even though I had predicted it, I felt frozen when the doctor told me the news and congratulated me. I couldn’t speak for a long moment, and was still silent as I drove home. I stood in front of the mirror, looking at my body, knowing how it was going to change soon. There was no doubt that I was going to keep this baby, which meant that I would have to raise it alone without a father.
I took a deep breath, wanting to call Sam. I pulled out my phone, but for some reason, I found myself calling my mother instead. She picked up the phone, her voice sounding familiar and warm despite what had happened the last time I’d seen her when I’d walked out on both of my parents.
“Hi, baby,” my mom said, and something within me melted.
“Hi, Mommy,” I said in a small voice. Just hearing her on the other end of the line made me feel like a kid all over again.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. I should have known that she would sense something wrong in my voice. It didn’t matter how distant we’d become, she was my mother, and she knew me better than anyone. I needed the comfort that she could offer me, especially now that I was going to be a mother myself.
“I’m pregnant,” I said to her. There was a pause.
“Is it Jack’s?”
“Yes,” I said, my voice breaking. “I’m sorry, Mom—I just—I fell in love with him.”
“Oh,” she said. “Oh, baby.”
“It’s over now. I just found out today about the baby. I don’t know what to do.”
“Have you told Jack?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “I don’t think I’m going to.”
“Honey, you have to tell him that you’re pregnant,” she said. “You’ll need help. Child support. And you know that a child needs a father.”
“I know,” I said miserably. “But I can’t be with Jack. He’s not the kind of guy you settle down with. This whole thing was a huge mistake—I should have listened to you and Dad.”
“You can’t help falling in love, honey,” my mother said. “I think you should tell him.”
“No,” I said, making up my mind. “No, I can’t see Jack again.”
“But—”
“Mom, it’s just too painful. I fell in love with him. If I’m going to get over him, I need to never see him again. I can do this by myself.”
“I know you’re strong,” said my mother. “And I believe you. But I think you should consider telling him.”
I didn’t say anything to that. When I didn’t speak, she cleared her throat.
“Listen, sweetie, I’d better go. Do you need anything else?”
“No,” I said dully. I felt empty inside, blank. I told her goodbye and hung up the phone, sitting back on the couch. I felt lonelier than ever, but I knew that I would have to get over it if I was going to dedicate all of my energy to raising a child.
