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A few months went by and my body started changing. My pregnancy still wasn’t really showing—I had a small roundness to my belly, one that could only be noticed when naked. I was grateful—I wanted to hide my pregnancy as long as possible, keep it low-key in order to avoid as much as possible any questions as to who the father might be and whether or not I was still with him. I still thought about Jack all the time and was finding it impossible not to, despite the fact that I had hoped things would get better as time passed. It seemed like no amount of time was going to make things better, but I pushed forward, knowing I had to keep it together if I was going to be a mother.
I kept seeing music students and my client base grew. I felt confident that I didn’t need Jack’s money to raise the baby, though I knew there was no way to fix the fact that my child would grow up without a father. I would just have to do my best to make up for the absence—I had no desire to date again and wasn’t interested in men. Since I’d gotten pregnant, it seemed like more of them were interested, and it was irritating to have to deflect their attention without finding myself longing for the type of attraction that had existed between Jack and myself.
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I WAS SITTING AT MY computer when a notification popped up. My heart skipped when I saw that it was Jack’s email address. I moved the mouse, the cursor hovering over the ‘trash’ icon. I found that I couldn’t bring myself to do it, though. The curiosity was overwhelming. I steeled myself for the onslaught of feelings that I knew would come with reading any words he’d written, but what I found there wasn’t what I thought it was.
Dear Lauren,
This is Corina writing a letter for Ivy. Hi, Lauren. I want you to come to my play. I am going to be a daisy. My daddy will be on a trip and there is nobody here to see my play. I wanted you to see it. Please come. I love you, Lauren.
I felt a twinge in my chest reading the words and read them again. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed Ivy before I’d gotten the email. The feeling was one that had been pervasive but I knew I needed to push it away. Losing Ivy had felt a little like I had lost my own daughter, and it was a pain that I couldn’t bear to suffer any longer. I pressed it down as much as I could in general, but it all came flooding back to me when I picture Ivy in her little daisy costume, a bright smile on her face.
I then thought about Jack. It was good to know he wasn’t going to be at the play, but at the same time, it was somewhat disappointing to know that I wouldn’t run into him. Sometimes I found myself craving just a moment to look at his face again, to see his smile and know that I had caused it.
I decided that I would go to the play. I wanted to see Ivy, and there was no way I could tell her ‘no’ even if I wanted to.
Dear Ivy,
Of course I’ll come to your play. I wouldn’t miss it! I love you too. I’ll see you soon.
I sent the email, pleased to receive one back right away with the date and time of the play. It was just coming up this weekend, and I hoped that was enough time to prepare myself to see Ivy knowing that it would only be a little while before she disappeared from my life again. I would hide the pregnancy in case Corina was there—the last thing I needed was for them to know and report it to Jack. I knew that if Jack asked, there was no way I would be able to keep his child from him, so it was better if he never knew about the baby in the first place.
I showed up to the play early and smiled when I saw Corina sitting in the middle row, fanning herself with a program. I joined her and she smiled at me brightly, hugging me tight. I hoped she didn’t notice that I’d gained a little weight. I wore a baggy sweater over a pair of leggings that I knew would hide the slight bump that was my belly. Still, I was nervous, especially when she pulled back and seemed to study me for a long moment. I knew that I didn’t look well—I had been so stressed about the pregnancy and the thought of raising this baby alone that I hadn’t been sleeping well at all, and lately it had been hard to keep food down without getting sick. Pregnancy was making me miserable, but what was making me even more miserable was the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about Jack and remembering how he’d been with Ivy, what a good father he would be to my child if only we could make it work.
“How are you?” she asked, frowning at me. She didn’t look suspicious, nor did she look down at my belly, and I felt relief pass through me. The only person I had to fool after that was Ivy, and then I would be off and free to have my baby in private. “You look tired.”
“I’m pretty worn out,” I said to her, trying not to meet her eye. It was hard to keep things from Corina, who reminded me of my mother in her better moments – kind, warm, and soft. “I’ve been taking on a lot of students.”
“For music?” she asked. I nodded.
“Ivy misses you,” she said. “She talks about you all the time.”
I swallowed, unable to respond to that. It killed me to know that Ivy was still in pain from when I’d left her. I had hoped by now that the little girl would have moved on for the most part, hopefully finding a new nanny that she would like at least as well as she’d liked me. That didn’t seem to be the case, and it made me feel overcome with sadness.
The lights went dim then and the music started. Little girls dressed like daisies poured out from either side of the stage, dancing as they went. I kept my eyes out for Ivy, and when she found me in the crowd, she started to jump up and down, and wave.
“Hi, Lauren!” she cried. The audience laughed at her outburst and I waved back to her, nearly in tears. I had missed her so much, and just seeing her face again was making me emotional.
The girls started to sing and perform, and I delighted in watching Ivy light up the stage with her dazzling personality. I heard the gym door open in the back and everybody turned around. My heart stopped when I saw that it was Jack hurrying in. His eye caught mine as he took his seat and a look of surprise passed over his features. I couldn’t look away from him for a moment, caught up in just the sight of his face. He started to wave at me and I quickly looked away and back up front, my heart racing. All I could think about was going to him, throwing myself against him so that he would wrap his arms around me. But I couldn’t do that. I sat nervously on the edge of my seat, waiting for the play to be over. As soon as the lights went on, I jumped up and rushed out of the gymnasium, right past Jack as he tried to call for me.
