Monday came quickly. Seth and Vance sat in the school’s front foyer eating their lunch. Vance stared at Seth.
“What?”
“Well? Did you?”
Seth smiled. “Did I what?”
Vance frowned. “You know!”
“Sorry, Vance, I’m pretty exhausted. It must be from the sex I had all weekend.”
Vance excitedly threw his hands up in the air and gave Seth a high-five. “All right! You’re finally a man! Okay, give me the details.”
Seth sipped his water. “I’m not the kind of guy to kiss and tell.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I’m not in the mood.”
Vance giggled. “We meet up, I buy you lunch, you tell me you had sex—you’re not in the mood? You get in the mood!”
For the rest of the lunch hour, Seth went into great detail about how he finally lost his virginity.
*
Oh great, Seth thought. New neighbours. When Seth got to the house, his mother was sitting on the couch, looking at him and shaking her head. “What is it?”
His mother crossed her arms. “The new neighbours!” Seth was just about to speak, but she continued. “Assholes! They’re nothing but a family of walking mouthpieces! Loud and filthy-mouthed!”
After dinner, Seth, his mother and older brother were sitting out back enjoying dessert, when out of the blue the new neighbours started arguing. First, the mother started yelling at the son, then the son at the daughter, and then finally the father at them all. After the 20-minute mark, things started to simmer down.
Unfortunately, after that, the neighbours decided to dine in the backyard as well. The father was Bart, tall with a bald head and a rattail, 32, with a tattoo on every visible piece of skin.
His wife, Elisa, was 28, average build, with white bleached medium-length hair with pink and blue streaks pulled into a ponytail. Their children were Rihanna, 12, thin with long brown hair and a mean attitude, and their only boy, Bart Jr., was 10, with shaved brown hair with a rattail in the back, pudgy, with bigger tits than his mother.
Just by looking at this family you could tell they were extremely mischievous and just people you didn’t want to associate with. After five minutes of perfect, beautiful silence, the Hyssop family started fighting yet again, this time louder and more aggressive, with every possible curse word thrown into the mix.
Unfortunately, over the next month it only got worse.
One Friday afternoon around four-thirty, a beautiful brown BMW pulled up in front of the Hyssop house. A drop-dead gorgeous woman wearing a gray skirt suit and pink rose-coloured silk shirt, with long, silky, flowing brown hair, got out.
She pulled out a black leather zipped folder and gracefully walked up to the house. Five minutes later, all hell broke loose. Yelling, cursing and loud crying could be heard from the Hyssop house.
Ten minutes later, there was a knock at the Zimmer house. Seth’s father answered the door.
“Good afternoon, sir. My name is Elizabeth Flint. I’m with children’s and social services. We’ve been getting multiple phone calls this past month from concerned neighbours about the Hyssop family.” She reached into her leather folder and handed Seth’s father her card.
“What can I do for you, ma’am?”
“We’re trying to gather as much information as we can about the Hyssops’ relationship with their children. For instance, do you believe they provide a stable home environment for their children? Or have you seen signs that they possibly abuse their children physically, mentally or sexually?”
Seth’s father took a long moment to think.
Elizabeth continued. “For example, have you ever seen them yell at one another? Have you noticed bruises on the children?”
Seth’s father looked in the living room at his wife and Seth. Since his retirement in 2006, he had become increasingly worse and was declining in many ways. His little habits and bothersome mannerisms had gotten way out of hand. The only way Mr. Zimmer could find pleasure in his post-retirement life was to become disruptive. Annoying his family was his biggest pleasure. He knew they hated the Hyssops with a burning passion, so he looked back at Elizabeth and smiled.
“No, ma’am, not at all. As a matter of fact, the Hyssops are a model family. They’re perfect, not one fault.”
Elizabeth stood speechless, shocked at the high praise. “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m talking about the Hyssops next door. We’ve gotten multiple complaints about them.”
Mr. Zimmer chuckled deviously. “I know who you meant. I can’t believe people actually complained about them, lovely people, quiet as church mice. What a shame.”
Elizabeth shook her head, clearly surprised. “Thank you for your time, sir.” She slowly walked away. Seth and his mother sit stunned.
Mr. Zimmer closed the door and smirked as he walked back into the living room. He sat his lazy ass back on the couch.
His wife and Seth stared at him.
“What the hell are you idiots staring at?” Mr. Zimmer asked angrily.
“Seth and I are staring at the world’s biggest bullshitter.”
A moment of silence followed.
“What the Christ do you mean by that?”
Seth shook his head in disappointment. “Why the hell are you defending these assholes for, Dad? Huh?”
Mr. Zimmer got up again. “I can say whatever the hell I want. You two stupid shitheads aren’t going to tell me who to defend or what to say!”
Seth’s mother turned and looked at Seth. “This is why he’s defending them—he’s the leader of the assholes!”
Like a child Mr. Zimmer stomped to the stairs to his room.