KEEP YOUR DOG MENTALLY STIMULATED by playing a game of hide-and-seek with food treats stashed in different rooms of the house. Or serve up interesting food puzzles, such as a peanut butter–filled, hard rubber hollow toy.In my days as a daily newspaper reporter, I marveled at how my favorite metro editor could juggle so many things so well. She seemed to take the hiring and firing of staff members and the changes in layout and design in stride. She shared her secret to survival: recognizing that the only constant in life was change. That adage certainly holds true when it comes to our dogs. Many of us adopt puppies or young adult dogs with the good intention of keeping them for the rest of their lives.
Sadly, life can interfere with our best intentions. Events like divorce, the birth of a baby, relocating, or the onset of pet allergies change our ability to provide a home for our pets. Sometimes behavior issues arise that seem impossible to cure. If our dogs do spend their whole lives with us, we must face that time we wish never would occur: parting ways with our canine friend because of his death or our own.
We can’t stop change and we can’t live forever. But we do our best to prepare for the unexpected curve-balls life hurls our way, such as divorce and death and other changes in our lives.
Q Zeke, my black-and-tan terrier mix, is 15. She used to love stalking squirrels, but now she would rather sleep all day. On walks, she can be only a few feet away from me but all of a sudden will start looking all around and acting as if she has completely lost me. In the house, she sometimes stares blankly at the walls. Can dogs develop dementia in the way people do?
A I am sorry to hear about Zeke. Memory loss and signs of confusion in older dogs may be symptoms of cognitive dysfunction syndrome, which is often described with the acronym DISH, for disorientation, interaction reduction, sleep difficulties, and house soiling. Zeke is clearly disoriented, because she wanders aimlessly, becomes lost in your house, and stares blankly at walls. You may have noticed other changes in her behavior as well. Sleeping more during the day, waking up in the middle of the night, and barking for no apparent reason are also telltale signs. House soiling by a senior dog can be caused by forgetfulness but may be a sign of a medical problem.
In the past, owners — as well as many veterinarians — usually dismissed these symptoms as normal signs of aging. But today, growing gray in the muzzle doesn’t have to automatically mean cognitive dysfunction. I encourage you to take Zeke for a thorough veterinary exam. As they age, dogs need more frequent checkups, and many veterinarians recommend a senior wellness exam. This particular series of tests at age seven (sooner for giant breeds) establishes a baseline of health and can uncover potentially serious problems before symptoms become unmanageable. Fortunately, treatments are now available that may not cure age-related canine dysfunction but can at least slow down the degenerative process.
In addition to a visit to your family veterinarian, you might consider consulting a veterinary specialist who can perform specific tests, such as ultrasound or MRI, to determine if there is a medical reason (age-related kidney or liver problems, for example) for changes in Zeke’s behavior or if Zeke is displaying signs of cognitive dysfunction syndrome.
You can’t put the brakes on the number of birthdays your dog accumulates, but you can take purposeful steps to keep her feeling years younger. Veterinary researchers are learning ways to manage canine senility with memory-improving medications and specially formulated senior dog foods to ensure that a dog’s final years are happy and healthy. There are several ways you can make Zeke’s final years truly golden.
KEEP YOUR DOG MENTALLY STIMULATED by playing a game of hide-and-seek with food treats stashed in different rooms of the house. Or serve up interesting food puzzles, such as a peanut butter–filled, hard rubber hollow toy.
MAKE A LIST OF ALL THE SYMPTOMS you have noticed before visiting your veterinarian, including, for example, if your dog seems to forget her name, fails to greet you when you come home, or wanders away from you in the middle of receiving affection. Also report any changes in appetite, elimination habits, and physical condition.
REINFORCE BASIC COMMANDS and add some new ones. You can teach an old dog new tricks, and doing so helps keep her mind alert and functioning. Teach her to sit before you head out the door for a walk or to shake paws before you set down her food bowl. (If her hearing is fading, you can teach her to look to you for hand signals.)
TAKE SHORTER BUT MORE FREQUENT WALKS, if possible. Regular exercise increases oxygen delivery to the brain, which can help your dog’s mental abilities and keep her aging muscles working more smoothly. Stick to smooth surfaces that won’t jar her joints. Vary the routes to stimulate her senses by exposing her to new sights, sounds, and smells.
ENCOURAGE YOUR DOG TO STRETCH. Prior to playtime or walks, have your dog get into a play bow position — head down, front legs low and stretched forward, and back end up. Lure your dog into this fun posture by lowering a treat under her nose. This natural full-body stretch helps improve circulation and warm the muscles. After a walk or activity, gently stretch your dog’s legs and massage her torso.
PROVIDE PLENTY OF WATER. As dogs age, they tend to drink less and run the risk of dehydration. Add a few more water bowls around your home and measure the water in the morning and at night to make sure your dog drinks enough water. Wipe up spills so that she doesn’t slip and injure herself.
Unfortunately, our dogs don’t live forever, but these measures can make Zeke’s senior days better ones for the both of you.
Q About three times a week, I take Nugget, my certified therapy dog, on visits to a nursing home and a children’s cancer hospital. We spend an hour or two greeting the residents. Nugget has been a therapy dog for about eight years and at age ten, she’s a senior herself! Lately, I’ve noticed that she isn’t as excited as she used to be when I put on her therapy vest, and she takes forever to get into the car. When she comes home from a therapy visit, she seems to be sad and a bit down. Why is she acting this way?
A I regard therapy dogs as the canine versions of Bob Hope when he did his USO tours to troops. Nugget also has brought smiles and happiness to many nursing home residents and sick children who are lonely and away from home. Although Labrador retrievers rank at the top in terms of the number of certified therapy dogs, dogs of any breed can do this work if they have the right temperament and enjoy being around all types of people. Therapy dogs need a thorough grounding in obedience training; they must be able to sit patiently by a wheelchair or hospital bed, to withstand a lot of noise and distractions without fear, and to tolerate having their ears pulled and their tails yanked by people without reacting aggressively. Many learn to gently place a paw on a lap or to nudge a patient’s hand to encourage interaction.
Animal-assisted programs can change and even save lives. It is just as important, however, that the therapy dogs’ needs are met, too. Owners need to be on the lookout for signs of stress or burnout in their four-legged ambassadors of love. Therapy dogs are emotionally affected by sadness and pain in those they visit. They can get stressed and exhausted. It takes two to make a good therapy team, and both must be committed to performing the task. It sounds as though you and Nugget have done a lot of good together, but even though you may still love the visits, you need to respect Nugget’s wishes. She is showing signs that she is ready for retirement.
Therapy dogs who are ready to go home, or retire completely, will respond more slowly to cues. They will become more distracted on visits and may spend more time at the water bowl than working with the patients. Sometimes a dog will want to spend more time visiting one resident at the hospital instead of making the rounds.
Nugget, in her own sweet way, is letting you know that after eight years of service, she is ready to spend more time in your home than in a nursing home or hospital. You need to honor her message. In some cases, retired therapy dogs happily take on a new role of serving as a temperament test dog for other dogs being tested for therapy work. Perhaps Nugget can usher in a new generation of therapy dogs in your city.
Q The other day I was caught off guard when I took a close look at my dog, Benji, and realized how gray his muzzle has become. It seems like just yesterday that he was a rambunctious puppy, but he is nearly 10. He pauses now before he gingerly jumps up on the sofa or on my bed, and it takes him a while to loosen up in the mornings when we go on our walks. Are there any ways I can pamper him without spending a lot of money? I am a senior myself and on a fixed income.
A The graying of America has begun and that applies to both people and dogs. One out of every three dogs — about 18 million — is seven years or older. For most breeds, that equates to senior citizenship status. We get AARP cards at age 50; perhaps dogs should get AARF cards when they reach the equivalent milestone birthday!
Since Benji has been your faithful pal since his puppy days, he deserves a bit of pampering. One thing you should spend some money on is a checkup at the veterinary clinic. Two common reasons for aging dogs to require extra coaxing to get on or off furniture or in and out of cars are arthritis and hip dysplasia. You also should rule out an acute injury. Please book a senior wellness appointment for Benji to identify the reason behind his stiffness. The bigger the dog (and the more overweight), the greater the risk for hip problems, especially in the senior years. There is no cure for hip dysplasia or arthritis, but medication, weight control, and gentle exercise can minimize Benji’s pain and maximize his mobility.
Here are some other suggestions that won’t take a bite out of your wallet. Treat Benji to regular therapeutic massages. Just five to ten minutes a day can help maintain his muscle tone, range of motion in the joints, and comfort level. Practice a technique called “effleurage,” French for light massage. It is petting with a purpose. Have Benji sit, stand, or lie down on his belly. Start by putting one hand on his shoulder or side to comfort him and use the other to pet him front to back with your palm. You can use more pressure if Benji is not in pain, but for a dog with severe joint problems, gently stroke from the knee up to the hip and the mid-back to move that extra fluid out and reduce swelling.
You can also temporarily improve circulation in Benji’s hips by warming a damp, not wet, towel in the dryer for 10 to 15 minutes and placing it on his hips while he’s resting. The moisture in the towel retains heat better. This pampering works wonders on dogs of all ages. Don’t use an electric heating pad on a dog because he might chew the cord. You may also risk setting the temperature too high and burning him.
Take a sturdy box or plastic milk crate and place it upside down next to your bed or sofa to create a step for Benji to hoist himself up and down more easily. If you are handy with tools, you can create an inexpensive ramp using old carpet remnants or rugs and blocks of wood.
Pay attention to any signs of fading eyesight or hearing. Be sure to give him more frequent bathroom breaks and keep tabs on the health of his teeth and gums in case he needs to switch to softer food. With loving care, I’m sure Benji will enjoy his last years in comfort.
The old saying that one year in a dog’s life equals seven human years is roughly true, but the following chart gives a more accurate comparison based on the dog’s weight.
I FIRST MET RHONDA when she came to me for private lessons for Casey, her young golden retriever. Casey was not an easy dog to train and he exhibited aggressive behavior around his food bowl and bones. But with the use of positive reinforcement and the discovery that part of his behavior was due to treatable hypothyroidism, he blossomed into a wonderful sweet dog. About four years later, Rhonda got a second golden retriever puppy, an exuberant sociable girl she named Tasha. They did well in my puppy classes and advanced training classes.
Then Rhonda’s elderly parents, Frank and Dottie, came to live with her. Dottie had Parkinson’s disease and used a walker. Rhonda’s biggest fear was that her big dogs would unintentionally knock over her parents and injure them.
I recommended that we train Casey and Tasha to be useful in Dottie’s physical therapy. Casey learned to lay his head in Dottie’s lap so she could exercise her hands by petting him. She also brushed both dogs and tossed balls for them to retrieve.
I worked with Rhonda in teaching both verbal commands and hand signals to the dogs because Parkinson’s disease can sometimes make it difficult to speak. Casey and Tasha learned to wait for the release word or hand signal to move. This enabled Frank and Dottie to walk through the house without the fear of being knocked over.
The added training and responsibility of Casey and Tasha gave Dottie a sense of purpose. The dogs were her constant companions. She knew she had an incurable disease that would get worse with time, but keeping her mobile helped to extend her quality of life. Had it not been for the dogs and their training, her condition could have deteriorated to the point where she would have needed to move to a nursing home. She was able to take care of her basic needs up until she died.
Frank became depressed after Dottie’s death, but we convinced him to take Tasha to my training classes. He wasn’t keen on the idea at first but said he would give it a try for Tasha’s sake. After a few weeks, Frank began to look forward to going to class with Tasha. He would spend time each day at home doing his homework assignment, being certain to pass on what he learned in class to Casey, too. Frank and Tasha excelled, completing five levels of training before Frank died at age 86.
I share this story because, without training, Casey and Tasha could have caused injury to Rhonda’s parents. Instead, the dogs helped Frank and Dottie enjoy their final years.
Contributed by Pia Silvani, CPDT
Q Our two dogs, Bosco and Bubba, and our cat, Clyde, were inseparable buddies. We often remarked how lucky we were never to have to deal with jealousy issues among our loving trio. Bubba, our fun-loving bullmastiff, recently became very ill, and we asked our veterinarian to come to the house to euthanize him. We did this in the presence of Bosco and Clyde. Now both of them seem so sad all the time. They eat a little, but don’t beg for food, and Bosco is usually a chow-hound. Are dogs and cats capable of grieving the loss of another pet?
A Not all pets suffer grief at the loss of another pet in the household, but your trio forged a strong and loving friendship, and the two that remain are definitely feeling the loss of their companion. One sure sign of that is loss of appetite. Animals may show their distress by sitting around and moping, sleeping more, and not enjoying your company. Some may suddenly act aloof while others become clingy and needy.
You did a wonderful thing by including Bosco and Clyde in this farewell act for Bubba. Top veterinarians and animal behaviorists tell me that animals view death as a natural process like birth. Whenever possible, allow other household pets to sniff and inspect the body of the dead pet. Although there is no scientific evidence to support the notion that checking the body will help the surviving pets to cope emotionally, at least it lets them know for sure what has happened and, at best, may help bring closure.
When a pet dies away from home, out of sight and smell of the remaining pets in the household, the surviving pets may keep searching in vain for their pal. In a survey taken by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA), researchers found that 36 percent of dogs ate less than normal after a canine pal died. About 11 percent refused to eat at all, and 63 percent began to howl and vocalize more than normal. Overall, more than half — 66 percent — displayed four or more behavior changes after the death of a dog or cat companion.
To help Bosco and Clyde cope with the loss of Bubba, introduce them to new toys, entice them to play a favorite game, and offer high-value treats. Spend more time giving them affection and hugs. If their grief-related behaviors persist, please consult your veterinarian about temporarily giving them medication to cope with their depression or anxieties. Don’t rush to bring home a new dog or cat, thinking that this newcomer will help ease their grief. Some people are so overcome by grief that they make mistakes during this “rebound” period and chose an inappropriate replacement pet. Introducing a new pet too soon may add to the sadness and confusion the survivors are feelings. Just as you do, Sammy and Clyde need time to properly grieve the loss of Bubba.
Q I love dogs but I hate that they don’t live as long as we do. My latest dog, Sparky, has been diagnosed with bone cancer in his front leg. He is a feisty, friendly Chihuahua who is only seven years old. I know that even if we do beat this cancer, Sparky will eventually reach that point when he dies on his own or I must make that painful decision to put him to sleep. How will I know when it is the right time to euthanize him?
A Saying good-bye to a loyal pet is one of life’s hardest decisions. If your dog becomes terminally ill or is critically injured, or the cost for treatment is financially beyond your means, euthanasia may be a valid option. Fortunately for Sparky, canine medicine has made amazing strides in treating cancer and other serious diseases. Cancer centers for companion animals now exist at veterinary schools as well as at privately funded research centers throughout the country. Bone cancer is serious, however, and it is wise to ask this question before it reaches the point where you don’t have the time to carefully consider all options. The more you are able to prepare for the possible loss of your pet, the fewer regrets you will have.
Before Sparky becomes seriously ill, make an appointment with your veterinarian. Ask him or her to describe the methods and details of the euthanasia procedure. You may be amazed at how peaceful and pain-free this procedure is. Preparing for euthanasia includes determining when and where the procedure should take place. Your vet may be willing to make a house call. You will need to decide if you want your pet’s body to be buried or cremated. Think about your own needs and decide whether you would prefer to be alone after the procedure or if you want to spend time with a special friend.
When is the right time? That is certainly an individual call, but quality of life is your guidepost in making the decision. You will probably know when it is right by paying careful attention to Sparky’s signals. He may stop eating, be unable to go to the bathroom on his own, or begin to sleep all the time. Look for signs of pain or dis-comfort that cannot be eased with medication.
Please keep this final thought in mind: The very definition of euthanasia means a painless death to end physical suffering in our animal friends. It is truly the last gift we can give them.
Q My elderly grandmother died recently, leaving behind a four-year-old papillon named Sugar, who was a wonderful companion to her. My grandmother doted on this dog, serving her food on china plates, dressing her up with ribbons, and letting her sit in her own dining room chair. Grandma was also practical and discussed with me in advance how to care for Sugar after she died. I love Sugar, but it is clear that she misses my grandmother a lot. What can I do to help Sugar understand that she now has a new loving home?
A Your grandmother showed foresight in making sure that her sweet dog had a good home after she died. You will never behave the same way that she did with Sugar, but you can love her in your own fashion.
Our pets can’t tell us in words how they feel when a beloved person leaves them, but they do display signs of mourning. Some dogs show amazing dedication to their deceased owners, so be aware that Sugar may show signs of stress and anxiety for some time as she adjusts to her new life with you. Sugar may urinate in your house when you’re not around, not eat much, excessively lick her paws, or go overboard to greet you each time you come home. These behaviors can last days or weeks. Please consult your veterinarian concerning behavioral issues that affect your dog’s health, especially lack of appetite.
Help Sugar adjust to your home by letting her sleep in your bedroom at night. Dogs are den creatures and this will give her some comfort and feeling of security. Offer her healthy outlets by walking her daily, engaging her in games like fetch, and keeping the television or radio on when you’re not at home to provide some welcome human noise. Invite some dog-friendly guests over to dote on Sugar and improve her mood.
You cannot replace your grandmother in the eyes of Sugar, but you do have a wonderful opportunity to form a new friendship with her and to provide her with a loving and stable home that honors your grandmother’s memory.
Q Our 10-year-old daughter Kelly has never known a day without Jelly, our tri-colored Australian shepherd, in her life. Jelly greeted Kelly with a friendly tail wag the day we brought her home from the hospital and kept a close eye on her throughout her toddler days, even keeping her away from the pool when she ventured too close. Sadly, Jelly developed a rapid form of cancer, and we made a family decision to euthanize her to spare her any more pain. We are all devastated by the loss of Jelly, especially Kelly. How can we help our daughter — and ourselves — cope?
A Over the past two decades, we have redefined our notion of family to include pets. For many couples, a dog or a cat often precedes the birth or adoption of a child. In essence, that pet becomes an older sibling to their child. Children who grow up with loving pets are fortunate to have wonderful memories that won’t disappear. I still fondly remember my first dog, Nicky, even though I was just six when he died.
Grieving for a pet is distinct from other forms of mourning. There are no traditional ceremonies or social rituals for honoring a loyal dog or sweet cat. But a pet’s presence punctuates our daily lives, and the loss can be keenly felt. Your family should feel free to grieve openly and embrace the special connection you had with Jelly. Recognize that you need to grieve before you can truly heal. Sudden crying spells, feelings of depression, and other swings of emotion are normal.
If parents don’t show their sadness or grief, it sends a message to children that grief is wrong. Most psychologists and therapists agree that it is appropriate for parents to tell their children when they are feeling sad because they are missing their dog who died. Equally important is to tell your children that you love them and that you are open to talking about a deceased family pet.
According to Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, most people go through five steps of grief. These steps can apply to the loss of a family member or friend as well as a beloved pet. Here are the five stages.
DENIAL/SHOCK. “My dog is too young to die.”
ANGER. “How dare my sweet dog be taken from me?”
BARGAINING. “Dear God, I will go to church more often if you bring my pet back to me.”
DEPRESSION. “What’s the point in eating or having fun anymore?”
ACCEPTANCE. “I miss my dog terribly, but I now know that he is no longer in pain.”
Keep in mind it may take your children days, weeks, or even months to go through these stages. Recognize that not everyone experiences each of these steps or goes through them in a linear fashion. When grieving, be honest and avoid using euphemisms. Use the word died rather than put to sleep, particularly with children younger than 12. Otherwise, a child needing an operation in the future, for example, may hear the doctor say he’ll be put to sleep for the procedure and become unduly frightened. In addition, avoid saying that God loved your dog so much that he brought him to heaven. Your child may wonder why God doesn’t love him enough to bring him to heaven, too, or may become fearful that perhaps God does indeed love him enough to take him away.
Depending on a child’s age and level of maturity, therapists offer these general guidelines to help parents discuss family pets’ dying.
UNDER AGE 2. Babies and toddlers may sense the dog’s death, based on feeling the stress and emotions expressed by other family members, but are unlikely to feel directly affected.
BETWEEN AGES 2 AND 5. Young children may be sad because they miss the family dog as a play pal. They have trouble realizing that death is permanent and may respond to the heightened stress in the family by thumb sucking, tantrums, and other problematic behaviors.
BETWEEN AGES 5 AND 9. Children start to recognize that death is permanent but may fantasize that death can be defied. At these ages, some children may harbor resentment for having to feed or care for the family dog and may secretly wish at times the dog would die. If the dog gets hit by a car and does die, these children may be filled with guilt. It’s important for parents to let them know that accidents happen and they didn’t cause the death.
AGES 10 AND OLDER. Children understand that living things eventually die, but some may have difficulty accepting that death is permanent. They may express anger or guilt at losing their pet, or become curious about death.
Here are some ways that you might help Kelly deal with her grief. Conduct a ceremony or memorial service at home. The greatest way to honor a dog’s memory is to learn how you became a better person for having them in your life. Do this by acknowledging the ways in which your dog helped you grow and learn.
Spend some time with Kelly recalling happy, silly, fond memories of life with Jelly. Encourage her to write a letter or poem to and from Jelly. Putting words down on paper can sometimes ease grief. If you have time to think about this before the dog’s death, you can purchase a kit that allows you to make clay impressions of your dog’s paw print as a memento. Kelly could also make a special picture frame for a favorite photo.
Encourage Kelly to reach out to friends and other family members who can listen and recognize how sad she feels about Jelly’s death. I also recommend calling a pet-loss hotline, available at most veterinary schools, or check with your local churches or veterinary clinics for pet-loss help referrals. Gently remind Kelly and yourself that Jelly isn’t in pain any more. See Resources on page 315 for recommended readings that might help Kelly and other children deal with their sadness.
Q I share my home with a cocker spaniel, a pug, and two cats. I hope to be around to provide for them to the end, but I know that I should have a plan in writing for how to care for them in case I die first. I would never want any of them to be abandoned, taken to an animal shelter, or be separated. They love each other. What kind of legal protection do I have to ensure that my wishes are carried out if I should die before my pets?
A You represent a growing number of pet owners who are drawing up wills, living trusts, and other legal documents that specify how their pets should be cared for — and by whom — in the event they become incapacitated or die before their pets do. Legally, pets are considered to be personal property, which means you have a right to determine what happens to them in the event of your death. You are absolutely right that any arrangements should be made in writing, because verbal agreements cannot be legally enforced.
Far too many beloved pets end up in shelters after their owners die unexpectedly or become ill and need to enter a nursing home. In the chaos, trauma, and upheaval that often occurs when someone dies, pets can easily be overlooked while funeral arrangements are being made. Prearranging the care of your pets gives you peace of mind, and it’s never too early to make legal arrangements. The first step takes only a few minutes — and it’s free. Here’s what to do.
Keep a card in your wallet that specifies who should be contacted to take care of your pets in the event of an emergency. Include their phone numbers. Post this information on the front of your refrigerator or in another highly visible place in your home. Give a third copy to your veterinarian and to any pet caretakers, like doggy day care providers or kennel operators, and let family members know that you have made these plans. Make sure the people you are designating have agreed to be your pet’s guardian!
Keep a separate file on each pet. Include the pet’s medical history, a personality description, likes and dislikes, eating habits, how your pet relates to people and other animals, and most important, a labeled color photo. Provide a backup copy to your chosen caretaker. Separate files are important so there is no confusion about which pet needs which medication or special food.
Contact your county or state bar association for names of attorneys who practice estate planning and animal law. Be aware of the difference between wills and trusts. Essentially, a will directs who gets what after a person dies. A trust can be implemented while you’re still alive (should you no longer be able to care for your pet). Both can be changed or updated should you want to do so. There are many types of trusts, and they vary from state to state. With an honorary trust, for example, you can declare one person as trustee to be in charge of the money paid out for the care of your pets and another person in charge of the actual care of your pets. This can establish some important checks and balances.
If you do not have a friend or family member willing to care for your pets, look into pet retirement homes, sanctuaries, or shelters that set aside separate buildings that serve as long-term dog condos. Consult your veterinarian or animal behaviorist about a reputable shelter or animal organization you can designate to care for your pet. Ask for references and a written agreement that spells out your wishes. You can also name a shelter, veterinary hospital, or other animal agency as your beneficiary. In exchange for agreeing to be your pets’ caretaker, you bequeath them your home or other asset.
Providing legal protection for pets is a growing area of the law. As much as we do not want to think about dying, it is important to determine who will take care of the pets we leave behind. These steps can ease your worries and provide a healthy, happy future for your pets.
Q My husband and I are calling it quits after 10 years of marriage. We don’t have children, but we do have a wonderful boxer named Ali who loves both of us. Ali was the runt of the litter, but at five years old, he is all muscle, sports a ready grin, and has brought us much joy. Our breakup has been fairly amicable, and we have agreed on who gets what, with the exception of Ali. We both want him. We are thinking about joint custody, but would that be best for Ali’s emotional well-being?
A With the divorce rate at about 40 percent, more and more dogs are getting caught in an emotional tug-of-war between dueling spouses. When couples feud, the yelling, slamming doors, and icy silences can take an emotional and physical toll on their ever-loyal dogs. Just like kids, dogs can actually become physically ill because of the heightened level of stress in the house. Behavioral problems may develop, such as separation anxiety or signs of aggression.
Divorce often brings out the worst in people when emotions run high. Dogs can become pawns in divorce settlements, and they can become the real victims. I’ve heard of cases in which one spouse would not let the other spouse see the dog, and basically used the dog for leverage for a final settlement deal. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Like you, many couples work out an amicable agreement to share custody rather than using the dog as a weapon. To maintain a sense of normalcy for your dog, stick to your everyday routines as much as possible. Dogs are creatures of habit and look forward to regular activities, such as the Saturday trip to the dog park or their morning game of tug-of-war. They are adaptable, though, and can certainly adjust to different routines in two separate households.
Let me share the story of a couple who successfully kept their dog in mind during their divorce. This East Coast couple regarded their Labrador retriever as their four-legged kid and neither wanted to be without him. During their separation and ultimate divorce, Beau was the only topic the couple did not fight about. Neither wanted the dog to feel torn loyalties, so they worked out an informal custody arrangement in which Beau would switch households every six weeks to three months. The two now live about 250 miles apart, so they meet halfway to transfer Beau from one car to the other. Although he initially displayed confusion and sadness by barking and constantly seeking attention, Beau is always delighted to see the other person and has learned that he can be secure in two different places.
Sticking to familiar rituals is vital. When Beau is with the ex-husband, the two enjoy long daily walks. When Beau stays with the ex-wife, they play a favorite game called “Shoe for a Chew.” The rules are simple: Beau retrieves a shoe from the closet in exchange for a chew treat. During his absence, each owner occasionally sends Beau a small toy or treat with his or her scent on it, and they talk to him on the phone once in a while. Beau sniffs attentively when he receives a toy, card, or treat in the mail from one of his pet parents. Several years after the divorce, he happily moves between his households with no signs of stress or anxiety.
Q With our kids out of college and starting their own lives, my wife and I find that our house in Connecticut is just too big for the two of us and Emma, our three-year-old spaniel. We have decided to take early retirement and move to a much smaller condo in one of our favorite vacation places, Palm Springs, CA. We are worried about Emma, who is very much a member of our family. She gets a bit nervous when there is a change in the daily routine. We don’t know how she will react when she sees packing boxes all over the house and moving men coming through the front door. How can we make this move a smooth one for her?
A Congratulations on your plans to start over. Palm Springs is a very canine-friendly place with a dog park inside the city limits that is spacious, features well-mannered guests, and offers a spectacular view of the Santa Rosa Mountains.
Moving is one of life’s big stressors for both dogs and people. The break in the routine with furniture being moved, items being packed, and strange men coming in and out of the house can take a toll on a dog’s self-confidence and feeling of security. Fortunately, dogs tend to bond more with their people than zip codes. (Cats, by comparison, truly prefer to be homebodies.) The good news for Emma is that once she settles into the new locale, she will happily continue her great life with the two of you.
While you are in the process of packing your belongings and preparing the house for sale, maintain Emma’s usual routine as much as possible, especially your daily walks — the exercise will help all of you unleash some tension and stress. Speak to her in an upbeat, happy voice to reassure her. Help her feel more comfortable with the changing household by setting up cardboard boxes in rooms all over your house. As you pack items, let Emma sniff and explore. Point out the box to her, say the word box, and then hand her a treat. You are building up a positive association between the boxes and the treats for Emma. Take a break once in a while and pay special attention to her by reinforcing her basic obedience commands or having her perform one of her favorite tricks for treats.
On moving day, you have two options: taking Emma to a doggy day care, a kennel, or your veterinary clinic, if it offers boarding facilities, or keeping her in a closed room in your home. If Emma already likes doggy day care, this provides a perfect outlet for her to expend some energy with canine chums in a safe, supervised setting. When you pick her up at the end of the day, she will be tired and relaxed, even when walking into a near-empty house. Even if she is not used to being away from home, it might be less stressful for her to spend a few hours (or even a day or two) being cared for by professionals while you focus on the activity back at the house without having to worry about how Emma is doing.
If you do opt to keep her at home, choose a room that has already been cleared of all furnishings. Place a big sign on colored paper on the door to alert the movers that your dog is inside. During the hustle of moving items, you don’t want to risk Emma escaping in fright and getting lost or hit by a car. If she likes her crate, let her stay in there with her favorite chew toy and water in a closed room. If she doesn’t have a crate, provide her with her familiar bedding, a couple of favorite toys, a chew toy, and water. Turn on a portable radio to mute the sounds of the moving crew. Make sure she is wearing a collar and ID tags (or even better, a microchip ID).
It is very important that you take her for a 10-minute walk every few hours. Make sure you put her leash on before you leave the room. Encourage her to meet and greet the movers if they are willing. Speak in happy and calm tones. Dogs are masters at picking up our emotions.
Before you move into your new condo, see if your realtor is willing to place one of your used T-shirts or towels and a couple of Emma’s saliva-slobbered toys inside the condo before you arrive. Just mail them in advance of your cross-country trek. That way, when Emma steps her first paw in your new place, she will immediately smell and see familiar objects to help her feel more at home.
Q We’re in a dilemma. My wife and I adopted a two-year-old collie for our three children. They are now between the ages of nine and thirteen and have pestered us to get a dog for many years. They finally reached the ages where we felt they were mature enough to help with the responsibilities of having a dog. The problem is that Buster isn’t fitting into our family. He barks constantly, chews the kid’s toys, is hard to walk, and generally causes havoc in the house. We’ve taken him to obedience classes and worked with a behaviorist, but nothing has helped. What’s worse, the dog doesn’t seem to show much affection toward us, especially our kids. He does his best to avoid them. He is a real handful. We don’t want to surrender him to a shelter, but this just isn’t working out. Even our children don’t want him any more. What are our options?
A Sometimes, despite all efforts, things do not work out with a particular dog. Even though you have made a concerted effort to make this situation work, this is a case of the wrong dog in the wrong household. It is telling that the dog does not appear to have bonded with any of you. Perhaps he feels overwhelmed by the number of people in the house.
Your first option is to contact Buster’s breeder if you know who that is. A conscientious breeder will usually take back a dog who doesn’t work out, or will at least help you find a new home. If you did not buy the dog from a breeder, I suggest that you contact a collie rescue group. You can find one in your area by checking the Internet for a national collie rescue organization or asking local collie breeders to put you in touch with a group in your area. Breed rescue groups, for the most part, do a wonderful job of matching the right dog with the right home.
Rescue groups are most successful when they are armed with detailed and accurate information. When you speak with the representative, be as specific and as honest as possible. List Buster’s habits (good and bad) and the efforts you made to try to train him. Instead of staying in a cage at an animal shelter, Buster will probably be placed in a foster home with people who know the collie breed until a suitable permanent home can be found. It sounds as though he may fare better in a household without children or one in which there are definite daily routines for him to heed.
Don’t automatically discount shelters, however. If there is one in your area, call and ask if they euthanize dogs and what the chances are of Buster being adopted. Even if you do not surrender him, the staff may be able to provide you with some good information.
Another option is to find a new home for Buster on your own. Although feasible, this can be time-consuming and frustrating. Plus, there are no guarantees or assurances that Buster will stay in home number two before being booted out to a third home, or worse, a shelter where he may face euthanasia. Still, it may be worth the effort to solicit the help of friends and relatives to alert others about the need to find Buster a better home. There may be someone out there who proves to be a better fit with Buster.
Whatever you do, please do not place a “free to a good home” ad in your local newspaper. You are just inviting people who are not serious about adopting a dog or making the financial commitment that pet ownership requires. They may neglect Buster or sell him to places that perform lab tests on dogs. Finally, do not be in a hurry. Yes, Buster is a handful, but you want to place him in a safe environment and one that will last.