He made himself say it. “You’re second-guessing already?”
She shook her head.
He didn’t call her a bare-naked liar. Even though it was the literal truth.
A moment later, she shifted enough to brush their legs together again. “Okay. Some.”
“Even though you second-guessed for like four months already?”
“Hey.” She flopped a chastising hand onto his chest. He couldn’t begin to mind.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, Professor. I’ve just got this theory that you and I just had mind-blowing sex and instead of that being a good thing, you went and worst-case scenarioed us to some vision of doom.”
Her fingers twitched, which he had a feeling she’d rather he hadn’t noticed. Too bad she’d left them lax on his body. “Okay, fine. The sex was mind-blowing.”
“You don’t have to sound so disgruntled about it.”
“I’m not. I’m too blissed out and turned on to be disgruntled.”
“But …?” He shifted his head to see her better. She wrinkled her nose at him.
“Just what you’d expect, really. This was amazing. The tacos were perfect. Talking to you is easy and fun. You are a fucking brilliant kisser.”
He huffed a laugh. “I see why you’re upset. That all sounds dire.”
“Shush.” Another thwap of the back of her hand. “I have no complaints. I want you to stay in this bed for hours. Days, even. And maybe there’s a tiny part of me that jumped to the last time we slept together and how Anton was crushed after even though he didn’t say anything. And it’s not your job to run your love life in a way that protects him.”
“Not yours either,” he interrupted. Emphatically. Because they’d done that before. Sure, anything could have gone wrong with them trying to fumble into a relationship back when they were college kids. But she’d cut them off at the ankles just because she’d decided Anton couldn’t handle it.
“Ouch.”
He flopped back and took her hand in his. “Gillian. I get it. It’s a thing we both do—look how we raced to him the other day. But don’t you think he’s not needing us to protect him from what we’re feeling anymore?”
She hummed a non-answer.
“Why can’t you believe him when he says we should go for it? Why do you think he’s bluffing?”
“Anton can’t bluff.”
“Well, he can’t bluff us. I get the idea he’s good at it with anyone else.”
She nodded, the pillow shuffling beneath her. “Probably so. But no, he can’t bluff us.”
“And he told me he knows how I feel about you. He told me I should let myself feel it.”
For another moment she was quiet, her hand squeezed to his. When she spoke, her voice was thready and raw. “I know. I believe you. But. He never told me.”
Oh, hell. She was not at all in the mood to face an upwelling of emotions.
There was no one—no one—she loved like she loved Anton.
Not Rachel, Serena, or Natalie, though they’d sustained each other in every travail and triumph for all their adult lives. Not her goddaughters Hannah and Cassandra, though she was prepared to cut down twelve thousand men to protect them, and also destroy the patriarchy so they’d find it easier to thrive.
Not her parents, who—even if she was around—would express their same adulation of their son. Gill couldn’t remember the time before him. Her parents claimed she pitched some only-child jealous snits when Anton was an infant, but her first memories involved hovering over his bassinet stroking his soft cheek with just her pinky like her mom taught her, and somersaulting across the dining room so he would clap from his high chair, and the time she decided to take him for a walk and got him into the stroller and down the front walk before their mom came racing after them.
Maybe that last one was a false memory, after all the times their folks pulled it out as a party piece to commend how fast she went from toddler snits to sisterly devotion. Point was, he was woven tight across her living memory. A pal once snarked about Gill’s whole family coddling Anton, but she hadn’t been brainwashed into some kind of brother’s keeper situation. She just really loved the kid. Enjoyed his solid, accepting presence. Respected how he’d worked all through school and into adulthood to find ways to fit into the world around him. Admired him for achieving so much in his career at such a young age.
When he got his signing bonus for the firm out of grad school, and she’d just taken the university job, it was his idea for them to buy the duplex together. They hung out most weekends, if they were both in town. Raided each other’s kitchens and bookshelves. Had a shed full of shared camping equipment.
She wasn’t his best friend, she knew that. Anton loved her, relied on her, but she didn’t compare to Vic.
Still, she thought she counted. She thought they talked. She thought if there were things to be said about her hooking up with his best friend, Anton would say them directly to her.
Vic broke into her mope. “You asked him?”
She blinked moisture into her eyes. “What?”
“Did you ask Anton what he thought about us? Did you mention to him that we’d been kissing?”
“You did?” Her mouth was a little dry, but likely that was from all the athletic sex.
“Well, obviously. How else could I get his opinion?”
Great, now she had to add chagrin on top of the jealousy and low self-worth. A real slog of positive feelings, that was her.
This was why she opted out of deep emotions, given the chance. The bad always accompanied the good. And was always more of a pain to process.
She sighed. Rolled to face him and get caught up in those pretty clay-and-clouds eyes of his. “You win. I’ll put aside my grump and revel in the part where we just had mind-blowing sex.”
He provoked goosebumps by smoothing back a hunk of her hair. “Gill. You’re allowed to grump. I don’t expect you to put up some false front of happiness just cause we’re having all this stunning fun in bed.”
“Don’t brag.”
“Ha. You want bragging, just wait another ten minutes or so.”
“Promises, promises.”
“This is the advantage of a younger man, you know. You’ll see.”
He was so cute when he smirked. It was obnoxious. She kissed him. It was a fuck-ton more energizing than dealing with whatever melange of nonsense was swirling in her head and heart. And when he flipped himself over her and pinned her to the mattress with his body weight, she settled in to enjoy the fierce pleasure of their bodies smashing with intent.